Marriage issues - I don’t know what to do. Please be kind

[sunflower751]

Husband and I have been together 14 years, married 8. We got together young (19 and 21).
He cheated on me a year into the marriage with a work colleague we both knew. We had a lot of therapy afterwards (couples and individual for him) and chose to reconcile. I know people will say I should have left then, but as my therapist said today, maybe I would always have wondered “what if” if we hadn’t tried. That’s done now.

Fast forward: we decided to try for a baby two years ago and have been struggling with infertility. I have PCOS and he has low sperm morphology. We did medicated cycles privately but they didn’t work. IVF would be the next step.

Things got tense around August. Out of nowhere he snapped and said he didn’t want to continue with any fertility treatment, needed a break, and wasn’t sure he wanted a child with me. We were also in the middle of selling our house, which actually sold just after this big row. We both went back to individual therapy, and he told me he’d been suffering emotional burnout from the fertility treatment and major pressure at work after moving into a very senior role.

We decided to keep going with the house sale and put an offer in on a new place. We haven’t exchanged yet but everything has been moving along in the background.

Then last week we went on holiday. It was awful. He made no effort, barely seemed to want to be there, and we bickered the whole time. When we got home a few days ago I gently asked if we should reassess the house move if we’re this unhappy… and he blew up again.

He’s now totally emotionally withdrawn. He refuses to talk without getting angry or storming out. Tonight he booked a hotel to “have time away to think”. (My therapist actually suggested that maybe he should take the space he says he needs, rather than him being half-in/half-out at home.)

The thing that’s really knocked me: I noticed he’s recently reconnected with an ex-colleague on Instagram and has been liking some of her suggestive photos. I confronted him and he just got defensive and angry. Given the past, I’m terrified he’s cheating again or on the brink of it.

I feel completely lost. I’m not even sure he loves me anymore.
I know people will say I was stupid for taking him back 6 years ago, but please be kind. I have no family nearby I can stay with, a decent but not amazing job, and we have pets I adore and don’t want to lose. I honestly can’t see a way through this right now and I’m so sad.

What would you do in my situation? Has anyone come out the other side of something like this? The way he is treating me is so unfair, he just says he doesn’t know what he wants and won’t talk.

I don’t know what more you need to consider ending the relationship. He cheated during your honeymoon period in the prime of your life, because he was never that interested in you. Now that you’re both older, he’s pulling away again and it’s really just the same feelings on his behalf manifesting again. Him not wanting children with you now is a huge red flag that maybe he just isn’t wanting to stay in the relationship.

I think you now know your ‘what if’ and can say you’ve tried it all. Now put yourself and your happiness first. Before the house goes through go your separate ways.

To trot out the old line of life is short but it’s true and too short to be flogging a dead horse when you could be building a life you love. Find your happiness op it’s no less than you deserve.

He’s draining you emotionally. I think I would also be concerned who is meeting at the hotel.

It will get worse if you have kids with this man OP. Given his history of infidelity and recent awful behavior it sounds like he used up all his credit for more understanding. If you put up with this now you will set an example of what is acceptable in a relationship for your children, which isn’t healthy. His awful behavior, the house sale, him connecting with that colleague seem to be corresponding perfectly, perhaps he is making excuses to get out. I do believe it’s a blessing in disguise for you - with no kids you can get out easily and sorry to be brutally honest you can find a nice man with good sperm count. Be selfish.

What would I do?

Sell your home.
Pull out of the one you are buying.
Separate.
Get a lawyer.
Begin divorce and either get looking for a new partner to have children with or go it alone (sperm donation / adoption) if children are a priority.

You arent stupid or wrong - You honored your vows - you tried, you found out what if.
Now you can see what your future looks like and its not good.

Walk away now before you damage yourself further.

If you must stay longer - move into rented for a year. If nothing else please do this. Do not buy a new house.

Stop fertility tereatment / dont have a baby with him.
It would also be a huge mistake to have a child - your marriage WILL fail at the point and you will be in an emotionally and financially vulnerable state with a small life to maintain.

Ps unless shes hoping the penny drops and you get to divorce faster your current therapist sounds a bit shit.

Let him have his space. Stop the fertility stuff. Think about what you want. It sounds utterly miserable. He sounds miserable.

It sounds like you are being held by fear
Fear of "failure", fear of unknown, fear of getting it wrong.
That's a mistake. Not choosing to leave is still a choice.

This man is literally running away to a hotel (to do who knows what) instead of being an adult staying, working on the marriage, talking and connecting with you.
You know its over and i think you posted here for confirmation.

I hope you know you deserve so much better than to be treated like this ❤

Some really good advice here. Split now, take your proceeds from the house sale and count your lucky stars you have escaped this horrible man who is treating you like shit and has done for years by the sounds of things.

I'm sorry. It looks like the relationship is over. It honestly doesn't need to be this hard. It's good you got together young. Many people are only just getting together with their life partner at the age you are now. Whatever comes next will be better, trust me on that.

Alternatively, imagine 10 years from now, possibly with a child, possibly not, still wondering if he loves you. Be brave and take a chance that life without him could (almost certainly will) be better.

@Summerhillsquare

You're young enough to have the chance of a good life. Grab it.

Nailed it

I agree with this. He is treating you very badly. From what you said, there does not appear to be anything in this relationship for you.

Go through with the house sale, as long as everything is financially clear. Look for your own place.

I’m afraid I agree with the others. Also, I think you need a new therapist.

Ah OP, as others have said, press pause now. Go and see a solicitor about divorce. Don’t buy another house.
it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. You are still young and will very likely meet someone else and be able to have kids with them. You don’t need to cling to a man who isn’t good enough for you and apprently doesn’t want to be with you.

You can’t have kids with him. Choosing the father of any potential children is one of the most important things a Mother can do.
You are still young, I’d leave if I were you.

How do you mean?

It really seems like you’ve given this your all and have done everything you can to make it work. Despite that, it clearly isn’t working and it shouldn’t constantly be this hard.
You're in a good position to leave for a better life.

How do you mean?

He cheated halfway through your relationship which was only a year after hewde marriage vows with you. You've both been in counselling and therapy since.
Your husband admits to being stressed out due to selling the house and moving into a senior job role. The holiday should have been a relaxing time for him but he didnt/couldnt relax
Is say you are flogging a dead horse.
It's time to move on. You've had couples therapy for half of your relationship and it hasn't improved things. Infact his eye is wandering again despite all your efforts. Leave for your own sanity. You'll have half of the sale of the house, you can buy yourself and your pets a new property of your own.

It has just occurred to me that it looks like he doesn't want commit to buying a new property with you as he himself has also come to realise he wants to leave the marriage but clearly isn't very good at saying so, so is being ratty and difficult to live with.

You stayed 6 years ago and gave things a chance.

It didn't serve you well, even though it's understandable why you tried.

If you try stay again (& let's be honest, I'm not sure that's even an option), you'll find yourself no further on in another 6 years.

Now is the perfect time.

You're young.
The house is being sold anyway.
The opportunity to have a child is still possible. (Even alone of you don't meet someone).

Now is the time to get out. You deserve better.

Don't try back a bad horse for a second time. You'll only get the same result.

As a therapist, whilst my goal would be to enable you to enact change without shaming you for your previous decisions (ie you gave it another chance - in no way do I think you were stupid for doing this, you did the best you could at the time) I would also be challenging you as to why you are contemplating staying and working hard on your self worth. Your therapist saying that you should let him “take the time he needs” is a red flag for me.

disclaimer: I am making assumptions based on the very limited info you’ve given on this thread - just something to think about (ie. You are contemplating staying in a relationship with him and giving him chances and I would be wary of echoing that slightly passive dynamic with a therapist.)

It’s a relationship that’s had too many downs and not enough ups, you tried and fair play but it sounds miserable. Time to part.

You know its over. He's messing you about. Its time to let go. I hung on and hung on it made everything so much worse.

I don't think you should try for a baby with him, for starters.
Your kids are adults - how about a life for yourself, without your cheating, flaky weakling of a ball and a chain?
❤️