Marriage issues - I don’t know what to do. Please be kind

[sunflower751]

Husband and I have been together 14 years, married 8. We got together young (19 and 21).
He cheated on me a year into the marriage with a work colleague we both knew. We had a lot of therapy afterwards (couples and individual for him) and chose to reconcile. I know people will say I should have left then, but as my therapist said today, maybe I would always have wondered “what if” if we hadn’t tried. That’s done now.

Fast forward: we decided to try for a baby two years ago and have been struggling with infertility. I have PCOS and he has low sperm morphology. We did medicated cycles privately but they didn’t work. IVF would be the next step.

Things got tense around August. Out of nowhere he snapped and said he didn’t want to continue with any fertility treatment, needed a break, and wasn’t sure he wanted a child with me. We were also in the middle of selling our house, which actually sold just after this big row. We both went back to individual therapy, and he told me he’d been suffering emotional burnout from the fertility treatment and major pressure at work after moving into a very senior role.

We decided to keep going with the house sale and put an offer in on a new place. We haven’t exchanged yet but everything has been moving along in the background.

Then last week we went on holiday. It was awful. He made no effort, barely seemed to want to be there, and we bickered the whole time. When we got home a few days ago I gently asked if we should reassess the house move if we’re this unhappy… and he blew up again.

He’s now totally emotionally withdrawn. He refuses to talk without getting angry or storming out. Tonight he booked a hotel to “have time away to think”. (My therapist actually suggested that maybe he should take the space he says he needs, rather than him being half-in/half-out at home.)

The thing that’s really knocked me: I noticed he’s recently reconnected with an ex-colleague on Instagram and has been liking some of her suggestive photos. I confronted him and he just got defensive and angry. Given the past, I’m terrified he’s cheating again or on the brink of it.

I feel completely lost. I’m not even sure he loves me anymore.
I know people will say I was stupid for taking him back 6 years ago, but please be kind. I have no family nearby I can stay with, a decent but not amazing job, and we have pets I adore and don’t want to lose. I honestly can’t see a way through this right now and I’m so sad.

What would you do in my situation? Has anyone come out the other side of something like this? The way he is treating me is so unfair, he just says he doesn’t know what he wants and won’t talk.

I think they mean your therapist is being quite wishy-washy in their "advice". In fairness they are not going to tell you to leave your partner, given that you are there to try and fix your relationship.
Their advice is geared to saving the relationship. But my view is that it's not worth saving.
But, to be quite brutal, if you both want children, you both stand a better chance with other partners. And you'd be happier with a partner who cares about you. This one doesn't. Whatever he says, his actions say otherwise.

he doesn’t love you. He demonstrated that when he cheated and he’s now acting like a dick to get you to do the hard bit and call time.
and this way he gets to tell everyone it was a mutual thing, not because he cheated and preserve his image, entirely classic. Sorry OP.

Split up and have a baby alone.

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update this thread. Thank you to everyone for supporting me before.
We have now separated (he told me he wants a divorce 3 weeks ago and walked out).
Last Monday (as I suspected all along) I found WhatsApp messages between him and his affair partner (work colleague). I also found receipts for jewellery and gifts (photos of her and her young daughter!) for her 😢

I am relieved in some ways I haven’t been going mad but terrified at the prospect of being alone and financially fending for myself on a salary of 30k.
He is avoiding me, I’ve just been abandoned so I’m having to work with a solicitor moving forward to sort the mess he has made out.

I’m so angry he’s treated me like this after 14 years together, in the middle of us having fertility treatment and buying a new house. I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust someone again - he has ruined my life.

OP: I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

1. Responding to your original post: you are NOT stupid for originally taking him back. He made it seem at the time like he was taking steps to repair the damage caused by cheating, he went to therapy even. You loved him and you had dreams for this relationship and family and fair play to you for going for it and trying to trust him again. Kindness and understanding is your strength as a person, not a weakness.
2. Responding to your update: he has NOT ruined your life. Looks like he did you a favour in the end. This is a man who cannot stop cheating and lying even after doing therapy. He seems like he has no emotional intelligence and in general is not a good partner. Not a loyal one. Not a considerate one. Even though you've dedicated so much of your life to him.

Let the affair partner take this burden from you. You can still have a baby. Who knows, maybe you will meet the right person and it will happen. You can still be happy.

My DP cheated on me when I was pregnant so it was too late at that point. I wish I knew his real character before we had our son. I stayed and I will probably be on Mumsnet in your shoes in 6 years time.

We all do what we gotta do when we're presented with a situation BUT seasons change my dear and happiness will return.

OP, he has not ruined your life, he has ruined the future with him that you thought you had. I’ve been where you are and I can promise you that it will get better. You will have to stay strong and wade through the chaos that he has created but you can do this. I was surprised at how much money was available when my ex had left, even without his money. You’ll get there 💐

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Sorry sorry, iPad playing up!

The only way is up sweetheart. Sending hugs x

Your life is the absolute opposite of ruined! Time to hold your head up, breathe, heal, take time. Great things await x

A man who is liking/commenting on suggestive posts of another woman knows how that looks to his wife and anyone else who sees it. And yet he's doing it anyway and doesn't care. This behavior is unacceptable even if he had never cheated on you in the past. It's even worse because he has cheated.

If this is how he's going to behave when the relationship hits a rough patch - this is his true nature. He hasn't changed. He's still a cheat.

I admire you for going with what you felt was right for you at the time when it first happened a uear into your marriage...but take this as a big red flag now and decide if you really can deal with this for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't, and I didn't. I never had proof that my exH had every physically cheated (although I had my suspicion) but his online behavior was enough of a disrespect and lack of loyalty to me and our marriage for me to end it.

As a pp said, someone who is being so emotionally distant and behaving the way he is won't make a good father/parenting partner anyway. You're still young and have so much opportunity infront of you. I wouldn't stay in this situation.

Just read your update. I know it hurts but you will be better off without him. The only way from here is up and you will be happier in the long run * hug *

Oh bless you, really Look you've been talking to your therapist now listen to your head. This marriage has run its course, you have to fez up, its over. Yes youre scared and frightened for the future, even a baby coming along won't fix this. You need to move on. Be strong sell the house. Use your half of the equity to sort out new accommodation for yourself and your animals. Its time to move on, he foes not love you, hes betrayed you be proactive. If you stay, the situation youre in with his infidelity will destroy you. You're young enough to make the change. You have to be decisive, nothing uou say tells me you can come back from this as a hsppily married couple, its over. He'll deceive you over Christmas..Will you tolerate this? You have no children to make this decision difficult ( thats a pro for you) so do it. In time you might find a new and happier relationship and a chance to have the family you so much want..maybe a step family with a man who will love you. Do it.

OP, I'm very sad for you. You're obviously disappointed and hurt. I agree with the other posters that this is an opportunity to start again. Still, you probably need to grieve what you thought your life would become first. That's painful.

You shouldn't beat yourself up OP, personally I wouldn't have ditched my ex for an affair because that kind of thing isn't really important to me, what is important is the lack of communication, it looks like he wants to leave but doesn't want to be the bad guy so is making it all very drawn out and miserable. If he is unable to tell you what he wants or speak the truth about what he is up to you can't really fix it.

Christ, my teeth are clenched reading about this utter jackass. You are intelligent, articulate, kind, decent…you are worth a million of this man, and although I know it doesn’t feel like it now, your life is the furthest thing from ruined. I think you’ll be surprised how much your life improves, in every respect, once you get over the shock. You just need a bit of faith to get you through this part.

From a male perspective... Im an old fashioned kind of fella, my partner is my world and I see my role as protector, best friend and lover all wraped into one. But its the best friend part thats the most important, being there for one another and working through the tough times... if you don't have that then you don't have anything.
Sounds like you need to take a good hard look and ask is this man capable of this? If you are afraid of him cheating is he actually worth it? Aren't you worth more than that? If you had a child by him what kind of man is he? What kind of father would he be?

If being honest it sounds like you need to take a step back and see that he should be your rock, unwavering in lending his love, support and strength to you. You shouldn't have to chase this you are worth more than that, maybe you need to ask what you want without worrying about him.
Separation is hard and painful but if he cannot be the man you need the relationship has run its course, worry about you, your own happiness, health and future.
Take it from someone who had his heart ripped out once, I thought I would never get over it and that was it for me, I focused on just being me on my own and building my life again. Then bingo a woman who was not my type, completely different to what I had previously looked for walked into my life... 20 years and 3 kids later it turned out to be the best thing I ever did... funny things happen when we stop trying and just let life unfold.

OP I know it’s painful but better now than later. I was with my XH for 24 years (from being a teen) and he cheated. I’m now in a lovely relationship and moving forward with my life, while still dealing with my grief.

Find a new therapist who can help you with this next chapter and a damn good divorce solicitor to make sure you get a fair division of joint assets.