Advice on relationship with alcohol dependent bloke?

[Londonlark]

I have had quite a year of it - divorce, selling family home, new job and major surgery. During this time I have been seeing a guy that I adore. He is funny, kind and caring. He has been my rock and best friend throughout and we have had amazing days out and weekends.

The difficulty is he is alcohol dependent; drinks a few beers and a bottle of wine at least every night. He never doesn’t drink. He rarely seems very drunk and he is never a nasty drunk. He functions in some ways - works (for himself) and is adored by his beautiful family. My parents and grown children think he’s a thoroughly good bloke. My son has commented on our connection and affection and said he had never seen me like it with ex husband. In other ways, he doesn’t function well - he is exhausted, flat is a tip etc. He sees drinking as part of him, something he has always done. He says it gives him comfort and joy. He has multiple health problems which are caused or exacerbated by alcohol.
In my head I know a long term future together is not possible. His drinking makes me feel anxious and distressed if I’m around him for too long - I feel so worried about him. I keep boundaried and lead my own life; I am very independent.

This weekend we had made no plans. I said I was doing stuff and would see him next weekend. This was discussed in a phone call - all seemed well. He later texted me (this would have been after drinking) saying he had been looking forward to seeing me and he rarely shared feelings like that. He then said ‘I think our time is done’ He wouldn’t pick up the phone. He then texted saying he was exhausted, that he had been propping me up and had neglected his life and family - the people that need his love and that I don’t need his love.
He won’t speak to me and I am distraught. This has triggered real attachment issues for me (for which I’m receiving therapy)
Is it possible to reconcile? I know a long term future with drinking at the centre of our lives would be bleak but would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?
Anybody with any experience of similar?

Don't. Just don't. Let him go.

This will not end well. At best he muddles along for a while before getting one of the many health related complications of heavy drinking, including alcohol induced dementia, and you become his carer. That's not a life.

Never get into a relationship with an addict. It NEVER ends well.

Is it possible to reconcile? I know a long term future with drinking at the centre of our lives would be bleak but would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?

This is cloud cuckoo speak.

Just let it go! You are a million times better without him.

The only advice is to end it, but he's done that for you already. He'll be back though - don't open the door

“he is alcohol dependent; drinks a few beers and a bottle of wine at least every night. He never doesn’t drink”

OP, and he never will. My DB is a functioning alcoholic, and it’s not something that’s easy to live with.

“In my head I know a long term future together is not possible. His drinking makes me feel anxious and distressed if I’m around him for too long”

OP, unfortunately this will only get worse. My DB had a really lovely GF - the whole family loved her - and in the end, she just couldn’t cope with it. I hate to say this, but you’re on hiding to nothing. You need to call time on this relationship, otherwise you’re just laying yourself open to disappointment and heartbreak. I’m really sorry to have to be the bearer of bad tidings, but alas, it’s true.

I work with substance misusers alcohol is the hardest to deal with. For your own sanity and well being walk away now you will never be as important as alcohol.

You can't fix him, if he truly wanted a future with you he would fight for it and do his best to avoid the alcohol and find that "comfort and joy" with you not at the bottom of a bottle...
If you stay this will only be the first in a long line of guilt trips and emotional blackmail.
Get out while you still can ((hugs)).

You’ll never have peace of mind or emotional stability with an addict. What worries me too is the emotional manipulation in that text/not picking up the phone. That’s designed to cause pain, it doesn’t matter if it was done drunk or sober.

You’ve had a tough time and you’re receiving counselling, take this time to feel comfortable with yourself whilst you heal.

He rarely seems very drunk and he is never a nasty drunk. He functions in some ways
Anybody with any experience of similar?
would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?

Yes I have experience and no, it would not be possible. His primary relationship is with alcohol. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that because he’s not obviously drunk then it isn’t a problem. It is.

He probably is a decent bloke but that’s not the point. You can’t rescue him from alcohol abuse.

Look at your relationship history and look at this man. You’re wanting to repeat unhealthy relationships.

Get out now, before you’re in too deep.

Block him and hide your phone from yourself. No good will come from this, so take this opportunity to free yourself.
Your future self will thank you.

Good god no. As soon as you got to the bit where he switched on you - absolutely not. I am a child of a parent who drank heavily.

Give yourself a 2 week time period to feel all your emotions on this and then get on with your life. He will be back BTW to try and make amends. Don't go there.

He's an alcoholic. He's done you a favour by finishing the relationship. His primary relationship is with alcohol. You would be best to delete his number and block him. If you take him back, this will give him the message that you'll accept anything.

Oh hell no. Let him go. He's shown you it's possible to find a good connection with someone after divorce. Take that forward and when you're ready, find it with someone way less problematic.

You’ve ended the relationship - which is very sensible but of course he isn’t going to talk to you now as there is no need. You need to block him and delete his number.

This is a test to see how controllable you are.
If you do as he (secretly) wants and beg him to give it another go with you, he knows he can control you with emotional manipulation and he’s got you right where he wants you.
The alcohol is an entire whole other red flag factory by itself.
Why are you grabbing onto this guy after just getting out of a divorce? Put some time and effort into rebuilding your independence, self esteem and boundaries BIG time.

No. Keep away and keep firm. Block and delete.

Why on earth do you want to be in a relationship with a drunk? Do you have serious self esteem problems?
Everyone on here can see it will end badly. Except you.

Avoid. Long term drinking never ends well and going through a divorce as dh wont stop drinking. Is ill and lost his home job kids wife etc but still drinks

don’t go down this rabbit hole

I wish I hadn’t

yes dh was a lovely man who I fell in love with and had dc but hindsight at times I wish I hadn’t - but then I would have dd
……

dh will die through alcohol and dd won’t have a dad

I walked away after 14 years. I realised it would never change and an alcoholic death isn't pleasant and I loved him too much to stay and watch it happen. It did happen, I knew about it because my kids saw it happen. It's sad but alcohol will always be more important than anything else.

That way misery lies OP.

My OH was alcohol dependent. He came through the other side, has been teetotal for 17 years now, but we went through hell to get there. I would never put myself through that again. Not for anyone.

Didn’t even read it. Don’t get involved with an alcoholic. Crazy work.

As someone with an alcohol dependant family member, you will face heartache. What’s worse is he doesn’t want to change.
please block him. He will 100% be back in touch. He is no good for your family long term.

Exactly this.

Oh God just don’t. Don’t. Unless you want to spend your whole life distraught and being jerked around by this self-obsessed self-pitying loser.

Noooooooooo! Run for the hills!