Advice on relationship with alcohol dependent bloke?

[Londonlark]

I have had quite a year of it - divorce, selling family home, new job and major surgery. During this time I have been seeing a guy that I adore. He is funny, kind and caring. He has been my rock and best friend throughout and we have had amazing days out and weekends.

The difficulty is he is alcohol dependent; drinks a few beers and a bottle of wine at least every night. He never doesn’t drink. He rarely seems very drunk and he is never a nasty drunk. He functions in some ways - works (for himself) and is adored by his beautiful family. My parents and grown children think he’s a thoroughly good bloke. My son has commented on our connection and affection and said he had never seen me like it with ex husband. In other ways, he doesn’t function well - he is exhausted, flat is a tip etc. He sees drinking as part of him, something he has always done. He says it gives him comfort and joy. He has multiple health problems which are caused or exacerbated by alcohol.
In my head I know a long term future together is not possible. His drinking makes me feel anxious and distressed if I’m around him for too long - I feel so worried about him. I keep boundaried and lead my own life; I am very independent.

This weekend we had made no plans. I said I was doing stuff and would see him next weekend. This was discussed in a phone call - all seemed well. He later texted me (this would have been after drinking) saying he had been looking forward to seeing me and he rarely shared feelings like that. He then said ‘I think our time is done’ He wouldn’t pick up the phone. He then texted saying he was exhausted, that he had been propping me up and had neglected his life and family - the people that need his love and that I don’t need his love.
He won’t speak to me and I am distraught. This has triggered real attachment issues for me (for which I’m receiving therapy)
Is it possible to reconcile? I know a long term future with drinking at the centre of our lives would be bleak but would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?
Anybody with any experience of similar?

Apart from the alcohol issue this stood out to me:

He then texted saying he was exhausted, that he had been propping me up and had neglected his life and family - the people that need his love and that I don’t need his love.

Did he really say that you don't need his love? Sounds like he might be someone who likes to support a new partner going through a tough time, but loses interest when the person is "fixed" and no longer dependent on the saviour partner for emotional support. Would you say you're now in a stronger emotional position than at the start of your relationship?

This relationship would never end well . I’m also sceptical of this ‘ joyous ‘ family / friends around him because I think excess drinking always creates conflict , I don’t think he’s being honest .

Op see it for what it is.
you had a lovely few months and know that you can move on from your divorce. It was a trial run. He’s not the man for you, and you know it.
he has issues other than alcohol dependency and you don’t need them in your life.

This.
It’s clear you want him to be your happy ever after following your divorce, but you really need to wake up and see his behaviour as it really is.

You can’t fix or change someone. They have to want to do it for themselves so you need to stop wasting your time thinking that if you love him every he’ll turn into some Disney prince and magically change.

Love yourself more than you love him and want more for yourself. Raise that bar.

Take on board the comments and experiences mentioned @Londonlark You’ve had a tough time and i get the reliance and confidence boost but this will not end well. I also don’t like the emotional manipulation of how you don’t need him but others do and how it’s your fault he hasn’t been there for them. When in reality the alcohol is the one affecting his life and his choices.

He won’t change and you’ll end up in a cycle of hurt, break ups and stress. Now is your time don’t waste your life on an unsuitable man

Please don't continue with a relationship.
This is abusive behaviour after drinking.
My high functioning alcoholic husband says these things after drinking.
I misread the early red flags.
It doesn't get better, just a circle of abuse.

Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by poor life experience and or abuse, are being further eroded by this msn who showed you some interest.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. Do not see him any more and block him from being able to contact you. He will bring nothing but misery and pain to your door.

Read about codependency and see how much of this fits in with your behaviour towards him.

He already has a 'relationship' and that's with alcohol. You will always come after that, unless he dumps the alcohol.

OP, he's dumped you after telling you that he's been 'propping you up' - those are not the behaviours of a lovely man. And if he only did it because he was drunk then it's still just as true because that's who he is. He's told you that's who he wants to be and you need to believe him.

It sounds like you're emotionally dependent on him though and so have been ignoring the 101 red flags he's been waving. He's set you free, concentrate on yourself for now OP, that's what you need. Neither of you are in the right head space for a relationship IMO - but you can get to that place, I'm not sure he ever will.

That’s an interesting reflection. I am in a much better place now. I think me seeing a counsellor and voicing concerns about what his future might look like have unsettled him. I think he could be spooked and feels that now I am better I will see things as they really are and him for what he is.
I do need to focus on my life now. I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like! There was zero emotional support in my marriage. My ex used to tell me I was demanding and that he wasn’t my carer or counsellor if I ever asked for support.

Sounds more like a Mills and Boon pipe dream.
For goodness sake OP, you’re heading for a disaster, just wait until his ‘wonderful guy’ facade slips and you realise he’s a sad, pathetic drunk alcoholic.

I get it’s hard @Londonlark as you want the relationship to work

I wanted my marriage to work. And not to be a single parent but in the end I had to do what was best for dd

and even now dh still lies saying he isn’t drinking - so convincingly as well but I know him well so know he is

OP
I once was going out with a wonderful chap, very popular locally with a good following for his band (he played drums and bass guitar for different songs) he was gentle, a huge 6 foot something man who was a soft as a kitten.
However
He was entirely addicted to alcohol, a pleasant drunk, never violent or rude, always 100% gentleman. He was ruled by alcohol. One morning I woke to find him rooting round under my kitchen sink looking for his "Emergency Vodka" he had unknown to me, hidden. He was withdrawing.
He then fell into a huge seizure crashing around, obviously ended up in hospital where they found his kidneys were failing.
He was treated for it and is OK now but when he'd got well again I gently finished it with him. We are still friends now, though he is a shadow of his former self.
You don't want a full grown man crashing around your house while you have no control.
With love, op you know what to do xx

Even without the alcohol, you shouldn't stay with someone who makes you feel shit, he has cut you off, won't answer his phone etc.

He will do this again and again if you let him; what did you even do wrong in his eyes to warrant him hurting you like this so that you need to "reconcile"?

Add in the alcohol and no, just no.
He seems attractive because he has some attributes your ex didn't. But there are good men out there without addiction issues.

Don't call him, don't try to reconcile with him, just let him go. His relationship with alcohol is the most important thing in his life, and you will always be second best. His health issues will get worse as will his living conditions. Be glad this has ended and tell yourself you have dodged a bullet.

No OP. Don't get into any sort of relationship with an alcoholic. It will destroy you too. Anyway this particular alcoholic has literally dumped you, so how many red flags do you need!

You’ve had some good advice here OP but it’s also worth saying that he’s lovely, kind and a joy to be with for one reason - he’s always drunk. Fun drunks can be good company - they don’t take things too seriously, they’re open with their feelings and to them, life feels good. It’s all fake though because a) underneath that they’re quite likely a massive bag of issues and b) the thing that makes them happy is the thing that’s slowly killing him.

The him you think you know is actually the drunk version. Who knows who he really is?

Both my grandfather and two of my uncles were alcoholics. All three died of it. When gently inebriated, you couldn’t wish to meet three nicer men but without it, they each had their own horrible demons. One of my uncles died the kind of death you’d not wish on your worst enemy.

This is totally heartbreaking for you - I fully understand this - but for as long as he’s addicted. nothing good can come from this.

Agree

Sorry OP but you’re romanticising bring with a chronic alcoholic like you’re on a Mills & Boon novel. You’re living in cloud cuckoo land if you think there’s a way forward here.

Hes not an amazing man - he’s an addict who would choose alcohol over you every single time.

Sorry but as much as you’re hurting now, he’s done you a huge favour. Walk away it won’t get better

did he ever get back in touch with you @Londonlark?

You are very much looking at him through rose tinted glasses. He is an alcoholic. An alcoholic can only keep up the charade for so long. Everything will be a struggle for him, work, relationships, kids, housework, life in general. Drinking everyday is his crutch, his addiction and whilst he needs it to function in some ways it’s also the reason he can’t function in others. So it’s common for one or several of those balls he’s juggling in the air to drop. Him being unable to maintain his home is a common sign of an alcoholic and often hygiene is another thing that gets neglected too. This man’s primary relationship is with alcohol, which is why he can end things with you in the way he has. Because the most important thing to him is drinking and if he is struggling to juggle his addiction alongside a relationship with you then it’s you he would give up. He may not seem drunk but he’s under the influence every single day. You have no idea what his personality would be like if he was 100% sober. You need to question why it wasn’t you who had ended this relationship and why you are now begging for crumbs from an alcoholic.

An alcoholics life revolves around drink.

Ask yourself why you think so little of yourself that you're lowering your worth so much.