Advice on relationship with alcohol dependent bloke?

[Londonlark]

I have had quite a year of it - divorce, selling family home, new job and major surgery. During this time I have been seeing a guy that I adore. He is funny, kind and caring. He has been my rock and best friend throughout and we have had amazing days out and weekends.

The difficulty is he is alcohol dependent; drinks a few beers and a bottle of wine at least every night. He never doesn’t drink. He rarely seems very drunk and he is never a nasty drunk. He functions in some ways - works (for himself) and is adored by his beautiful family. My parents and grown children think he’s a thoroughly good bloke. My son has commented on our connection and affection and said he had never seen me like it with ex husband. In other ways, he doesn’t function well - he is exhausted, flat is a tip etc. He sees drinking as part of him, something he has always done. He says it gives him comfort and joy. He has multiple health problems which are caused or exacerbated by alcohol.
In my head I know a long term future together is not possible. His drinking makes me feel anxious and distressed if I’m around him for too long - I feel so worried about him. I keep boundaried and lead my own life; I am very independent.

This weekend we had made no plans. I said I was doing stuff and would see him next weekend. This was discussed in a phone call - all seemed well. He later texted me (this would have been after drinking) saying he had been looking forward to seeing me and he rarely shared feelings like that. He then said ‘I think our time is done’ He wouldn’t pick up the phone. He then texted saying he was exhausted, that he had been propping me up and had neglected his life and family - the people that need his love and that I don’t need his love.
He won’t speak to me and I am distraught. This has triggered real attachment issues for me (for which I’m receiving therapy)
Is it possible to reconcile? I know a long term future with drinking at the centre of our lives would be bleak but would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?
Anybody with any experience of similar?

Take him ending it as the blessing it surely is.

He will come back and I strongly advise you stay away from him. It NEVER ends well.

You’ve had a tough year, often that leads to low self-confidence and self-esteem, which is not the time to be entering a new relationship, particularly with a man who drinks excessively.

Let it go, when you look back in 6 months you’ll be pleased you did.

As the daughter of an alcoholic I can say for certain that they will not give up alcohol until they want to. Your (hopefully) STB exDP is one step away from blaming you for his alcohol dependence. He is already playing the blame game. I would walk away now before your happy memories of this relationship are tarnished.

Run now!

Exactly this! OP read this post again and see his behaviour for exactly how it is.
You are worth so much more than this.

He sounds like an unstable, manipulative twat. He can't be trusted if he comes out with things like this when drunk.

Just end it now before he messes with your head and ruins your self esteem.

Even if he didn't act that way his health will suffer and he'll either get really sick or drop down dead in an unpleasant way fairly young through booze. So you'd end up bereaved anyway. Sad but true.

He'll more than likely come back, just don't take him back. I'm 100% sure he's lovely and all the things you've said but he'll never be a normal person while he drinks and your life will be full of shit like this.

My alcoholic ex never ended it with me but I can’t even remember how many times I left him and went back as I loved him and he always promised he’d change. He never did.
I know what a death through alcohol looks like all too well and I finally left him when I knew this was going to happen. It took a couple of years (the last 2 months bed bound, incontinent and his mum was his carer). He eventually died when his liver gave way, a shadow of his former self. He was 45.
Don’t ever go back. If he can’t accept he has a problem you won’t be his priority, the addiction is. It consumes people and you need real strength to step away.
Google Al Anon and check out their website. It’s for loved ones of addicts and there are many. Some good advice there and whatever happens look after yourself.

Thank you. I think I needed to hear some straight mumsnet talking.
Addiction is so sad
He really is a lovely man and has really been there for me.

An alcoholic's main relationship is with alcohol.

Until he isn’t. He wasn’t.

Stay strong.

Don't do it OP. I've just watched a close family member bereaved by alcoholic liver disease. It's been dreadful every step of the way.

Dh was a lovely man when I met him. He was supportive to me and fell in love

years on he drank far too much

looking back there was signs - his family said he always drank tho they didn’t know or reliese the extent of it

He’s not a lovely man. He’s thrown a strop and punish-dumped you for not seeing him this weekend!

Alcoholism is often regarded as progressive. Functioning alcoholism is hard. Non-functioning alcoholism is something I couldn’t have imagined without seeing it.

Even if you don’t see a progression your anxiety will rocket unless you can completely detach from caring about whether or not he is drinking. You will want to control it. You can’t.

Addicts can be wonderful people, but you cannot romanticise it - and when in active addiction they are really not capable of being in a relationship. That can be true when they are not in active addiction too & recovery doesn’t just happen and then be sorted. If something someone has to want and choose every day. This man doesn’t even want to change let alone be anywhere near thinking about recovery.

I also have experience of this op and I can assure you, no matter how strong and independent you think you are, he will break you down to a shadow of yourself
that questions yourself, your values and your standards to the point you’ll think you can’t live without him. Also you’ll believe that if you leave it would be the beginning of his demise so he’s thus dependent on you just as much. He’s opened the door, run out it and don’t look back. I’m 4 years clear of my ex and he’s no better, I survived him for 17 miserable years.

Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you.

Hi is not a lovely man. He’s got a really mean side to him. He has deliberately tried to upset you and hurt your feelings - ‘lovely’ people don’t do that.
You seem to be excusing his behaviour and blaming the drink but that’s a big mistake.

Accept that you had fun when it was good but that it’s over now. It would be a really bad decision to do anything other than leave him for good.

Choose a good future for yourself which does not involve this person.

Why would you adore an alcoholic you don't even know what he is like sober. Move on

I know you adore the nice side of him but the alcoholic side is absolutely massive and will overtake the nice side in time. Alcohol is his first love and you come a very pale second. Alcohol will kill him and will destroy your life if you stay with him.

Yep. But I am the drinking one. Not easy.

So sad. I had an ex who was amazing in so many ways but had a dark awful temper when drunk. Even his old friends kindly warned me off him. But 90% of the time he was fab - charismatic great company really adored me. Ended it thankfully but it is so difficult.

There was a horrific thread on here about the deaths of alcoholic family members. As you get older it catches up with you.

Run.

I think he’s doing you a favour but be aware that he might also be playing a game here. If you take him back this will become part of a toxic cycle. He won’t change and with some distance and time between you, you’ll begin to pity him.

but would it not be possible to have this man in my life as a beloved companion and lover?

Errr, how has it worked out for you so far. You know there is no future in this entanglement but here you are desperately throwing good money after bad, looking for the win. Continue with therapy and hopefully you will see that your involvement with this man was doomed from the start and you should have recognised this from the moment you clocked his addiction. Do your children and wider circle know that he’s a barely functioning alcoholic? Or have you ‘protected’ them from that significant piece of information.

You should want better for yourself, which begs the question, why don’t you?