DS13 wants to go to a different school in the UK

[SugarPlumpFairyCakes]

We live in the EU. Dual citizenship and been here six years now.

Current school is fine imo. And my other dcs were/are fine with it.

They all used to go to private school but since divorce, they go to state. It’s an international school. All in English. iGCSEs and A levels.

My youngest says he hates it. Says it’s “shit”.
They have actually been very supportive to him. He’s been deliberately misbehaving because he doesn’t like it there and they have offered him psychological support and have been generally kind and understanding.

He wants to go to school in the U.K. where his father lives. Doesn’t know which one. It’s all a bit vague. His father is delighted at this prospect. I am not.

His father attacked me in front of the DCs nearly three years ago. Verbally abused them all. He hasn’t done it since. He generally pleasant to the DCs as they blanked him for nearly a year after all the violence. It was vile marriage with his rages and mostly verbal abuse more often directed at me but not always. Plus financial abuse but that’s another thread.

I feel like this move would be a huge mistake on ds13’s part. He seems to think schools in U.K. are amazing. I have a feeling maybe stbxh is going to get his dad to pay private fees even though stbxh owes thousands still to a private school here. That would piss me off and also what about the other dcs? Why would ds13 get this special treatment? If he doesn’t go private, then it would be a bog standard comprehensive as I doubt think he could get into grammar at this stage. Plus are they oversubscribed?

My other dcs and relatives think ds13 is mad to even consider living with his dad.

I feel it’s a real kick in the teeth to me too after I have held everything together when stbxh kicked off and created huge dramas and trauma for us all three years ago. I can’t help but take it personally. I am angry.

Stbxh wants a psychological evaluation of ds. A psychologist of his choice. I have refused this as I think if we did that we should both choose. Psychological support has often been offered to ds here but he rejects it. After the assaults, all the DCs had to see a psychologist. One of them had PTSD and another was in a psych unit for ten days.

I don’t know what to do. A court here would not really see the rationale for moving to the U.K. on this vague idea that schools in Yorkshire are amazing in comparison to the school here. Clearly someone has been talking to him about them. But he’s 13, old enough to express an opinion, old enough to deliberately misbehave at school because he hates it.

If I made him stay, he would resent me forever more. He can’t come back either. If he voluntarily leaves the school, he cannot get his place back as it’s so competitive to get a place. I was amazed I got all my DCs in after the debacle caused by my ex.

I feel like a total failure as a parent.

Here he has me, his siblings, a good network of friends, a sports club he likes and plays three times a week. He has freedoms here he would not have in the U.K.

I just don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that I despise his father. But I try to keep that out.

Ds is cold and unfriendly to me. Maybe that’s teenager but he hangs on every word of his dad. That is painful too. Perhaps I should let him go. Face any consequences. And keep my distance. He clearly is not interested in any real sort of mother son relationship. Actively rejects me when I suggest doing things together.

And he can’t come back because he will have given up his school place here voluntarily.

You seem adamant that he couldn't come back to wherever you are now - I suspect UAE/Dubai if there is a choice of schools. Are you saying that only because of school? Presumably as your child and dependant, he COULD come back if needed but you would have to find a new school. If you got all your children into this school against the odds previously, surely it's possible that he might get a space there again? Or in another school? Or online if absolutely needed?

Perhaps I should let him go. Face any consequences. And keep my distance. He clearly is not interested in any real sort of mother son relationship. Actively rejects me when I suggest doing things together.

No you should not let a child go to a violent, abusive man. Your DCs being exposed to and witnessing DV is classed as child abuse by the NSPCC.

Your STBXH is clearly grooming your DS so that he can weaponise him to continue to punish you.

Do not let this happen to your DS. He cannot be exposed, exploited and utilised by this abuser.

You should do everything in your power to prevent that until he is 18. You need to take legal advice and be one step ahead in preparation for any antics of your ex. Isn’t there The Hague Convention?

Your DS is highly vulnerable and needs continuity and community to keep him grounded through his teenage years.

It appears he has this with his friendships and sports clubs already. Peer support is critical at this age and I would be encouraging him to socialise more and do even more sports - even if this was a temporary cost of some of his education for the next year or so - to boost his confidence and enjoyment in life rather than be fixated on his DF.

He has some serious emotional wounds to repair, grounding and growing in to his identity to do in the next few years. This would not be possible in a new unsupported environment with an abusive father.

Also don’t worry about him not wanting to be your friend or to hang out with you right now -
neither of my sons were appreciative or communicative with me at that age. But you can still be an excellent mother in the background ensuring he is surrounded by emotionally healthy, stable and fun peers and activities in his environment to keep him busy, outward looking and emotionally growing.

He has already been abandoned by one parent (his DF) and if you ‘let him go’ you will be doing the same and when it all falls to shit you will be blamed anyway.

I don’t know the best way to address it with him - you could keep kicking the can down the road, let him believe it’s all up for consideration under specific timeframes and conditions? But you know that you are running down the clock.

You seem defeated and frustrated by this child and maybe projecting the abuse from your STBXH on to him - when he is as much a victim of him as you are - with what he experienced/ witnessed, his family falling apart and now him being targeted to be groomed by your X. He is very vulnerable and needs treating with compassion not discarding because you are exhausted by the ongoing antics of your X.

Irrelevant if he chooses the psychologist Op, presuming the specialist is indeed a certified psychologist

All this sounds absolutely horrific for the children involved.

your boy sounds very unhappy and desperate. Let him go

Of course he can come back. Not to that school but given he hates that school, that would never be on the cards anyway

Not Dubai to UAE. WE are EU based. Limited number of English speaking schools. And only one that does A levels and GCSEs.

I have not finished reading the thread, but having SEN/ALN does not mean he cannot score highly in tests. It's even more telling when you say that he only scores badly in a subject which he does not like - this is very common in academically able autistic kids for example. This might totally not be the case for your DS, but behavioural issues at school, high academic ability, refusal to talk about issues, black and white thinking etc would have me getting him checked by an Educational Psychologist at the very least. Could you make this a pre-condition to further moving on the conversation about him going to school in the UK?

Are the courts involved with who has custody of the children? What would their view be of DS moving to the UK to live with ExH who has history of committing DV?

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Do not be hard on yourself. It is most likely being driven by ExH stirring DS's teenage feelings, and not because DS does not love you. He is however 13, and cannot be made wholly responsible for his decisions due to the whole mad brain rewiring that goes on at this age. It is very hard for you that you seem to have to deal with a difficult ExH, but think about what will be best for DS long term, rather than let him do whatever he wants because you are feeling hurt and rejected. Even if he does go, you (and he, when he wises up later on) will know you put his interests first. DS deserves to have at least one parent capable of that.

He could always come back and do online schooling though? I would honestly let him go, and tell him that your door is always open, he can move home in a heartbeat etc. Even if you have to get a tutor for him for a while waiting for a place to come up in a school, or he has to repeat a year something, you’ll be able to find something.

I suspect that saying “there’s no coming back again” will not help your relationship- he may feel that this is an ultimatum that he has to choose his dad as his dad is currently the great fun Disney dad and you are making scary and sad demands about how this is a final choice. And it isn’t - the schools are competitive but you got your kids in once, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that you will again, or find another option while waiting for a place to come up.

I have DSs in year 7 and year 9 - they are tough when they get an idea in their heads and they think they know all the implications, they just don’t. But they are also old enough to self sabotage and resent you and you risk driving them further towards the parent that appears to be giving them everything they want. I’d let him go for the holiday, if he is still adamant he wants to move and there is a school place arranged I’d tell him you respect his wishes and you’ll let him give it a go, but that he will only need to call you and you’ll be on the next plane to bring him home.

And if your ex is as awful as he sounds, the mask will drop pretty quickly.

What do his siblings think? It sounds like they remember what your ex was like a bit more?

But under 16s cannot tell their mums what they want if she has the rights? It is up to the OP. All hell would freeze over before I let a year 8 make that kind of decision.

I think that there is a real risk that ds will simply refuse to get on the plane after his trip with dad in Feb.

I would suggest that you get legal advice. In the UK, ds would be allowed to choose because of his age and as the violence was against you rather than the kids, a court would allow contact. Your ds lives in EU country so subject to the laws there but I would ask a lawyer if the police would retrieve ds from the UK or not.

Out of interest, what has he watched that gives him the impression that UK schools are great?

If he messes up his education it really isn’t the end of the world. He can go to college and then uni when he is older if he wants.

The more you fight it the more he will push back.

There was verbal violence against ds. All recorded by ds. It was deeply unpleasant.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes I think that @Trinko's advice above is very sensible.

Siblings think he’s bonkers and have told him so.

With this in mind, I think it is your responsibility to protect DS.

Are the courts involved? If not, why not?

Not involved yet.

How has custody been agreed? Does the DV affect that? Would a court mandate that he is not to live with Ex long term due to the DV?

Have you spoken to a family lawyer about this issue with Ex encouraging DS to want to move to UK? I think I would.

Moving to any school at that age isn't easy. Have either your ex or your ds actually looked at schools? Can they point to a school and say "this is where he will go"?

Could you say to him: I'm willing to consider it, but what is the detailed plan? Which school? What clubs will you do there? What friends will you have?

Do you think there's something else going on in his life that he doesn't want to tell you about?

Is there a reason why the courts would deem your ex unfit to have him live with him? If not at 13 U.K. courts would allow the child to move, no idea about where you live.

school in the uk will not be easier unless it’s a preferred language issue, and state schools will be quite different to an international school but it’s not insurmountable. Ultimately even if you think it’s a bad idea it may be impossible to stop so perhaps keeping him talking to you is important too. If it really didn’t work, why can’t he move back?

What about a state boarding school like Cranbrook, where you only pay boarding fees? At least he would be the other end of the country from his dad.

Ripon Grammar School also does state boarding but I guess that might be too near ex.

A boarding school in another country for an emotionally unstable and vulnerable child with a history of trauma is not a great idea.

This child needs proactive healing from what he has been exposed to not fed to his abuser and removed from his long established friends, culture, sports, community, siblings etc. He needs more of his emotionally familiar and grounding not for him to be stripped of it.

@Trinko thats probably all true but it's not the OP removing him from what he knows is it, its her Ex. How does OP keep him safe if exH is dripping poison in her DS's ears and DS won't engage with any counselling less alone talk to her?

OP, I'd tell him all the reasons you've given about why you are concerned about a move and repeat ad nauseam that you don't want him to go, will miss him, think its better for him to stay where he is.

BUT, if he goes, I wouldn't stand in the way. A legal battle under the Hague Convention at his age isn't a given and even if you won, he'd hate you.

Instead, tell him you will always love him andif he chooses to go, your door will always be open to return if the move doesn't work out, no recriminations. Yes it will be hard get him back into a local school but if he keeps going like he is sounds like he could get expelled anyway. Do try to get the 'psychological asessment; with a mutually agreed person but if necessary, let it be with whoever Ex chooses, so long as they are suitably qualified and you are permitted to send them some background information about the reason for the split, how Ex behaved. results of the previous psychologist assessment etc. A good professional should be able to see what is really going on. It might even help DS change his mind about going, so worth trying.

As for your depression, if he leaves, get help and get it fast. You are no use to him if you start shutting down and feeling sorry for yourself. You act as if it's inevitable you'll collapse and it isn't, you have a choice to make and must fight the temptation to spiral.

If he goes, you will need to keep contact frequent, light and open. Messages, cards, stories of what his friends & siblings are up to, the weather, whatever. You want him to miss the EU (and you) without being too heavy handed about it. You can also do this during the February break as well as summer, which might make him think a bit more about what he really wants.