DH and Dad fallen out and I can't see any way forward

[PumpkinTwistyWindToots]

I’m really struggling with an ongoing fallout between my DH and my dad. It all started last Christmas, the first one after my mum died, and I hosted. It was such an emotional time, and there was a row caused by my dad. Everyone was grieving and on edge, and dad behaved badly .

In April my dad tried to make amends, but he never actually apologised - he just wanted to sweep it under the carpet. DH was rude to him when he tried, and since then they haven’t spoken. I can see both sides: DH wasn’t wrong to be angry, and my dad’s behaviour did trigger a lot of DH’s own family trauma. But DH’s refusal to let it go has made my life so much harder, even though I respect that he’s entitled to his boundaries.

My dad now directs his frustration at me because he won’t talk to DH directly, and I’m just drained. I’ve decided to spend Christmas with my brothers this year, which dad is invited to, (DH’s staying home), but dad said at the weekend that he wanted to stay home and I should 'forget about him'. DH doesn't mind me leaving him for Christmas by the way - he doesn't enjoy the season much and he can see his kids Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Has anyone else been stuck in a situation like this? How do you protect your peace without feeling like you’re betraying someone and your own integrity? Dad wants an apology which he won't get from DH and I feel like if I give him one I'm being disloyal or something. I am desolate at the idea that dad and DH will never be in the same room again together but I want to put it behind me, but dad can't let things go if he thinks he's been wronged. He won't accept that he did anything wrong at Christmas and just focused on DH refusing to let it go.

You have to let it be, your dad is the older one and was wrong in the first place. Your husband is right and i would stick with his side if i was you and get your ad to bury it and do it for you

While you say your DH would be fine staying home without you for Christmas, for this year at least I’d quietly choose to be with him. Your DS can still have lots of fun, we spent the Covid years making new traditions, and this year my DC have asked to stay home rather than being on someone else’s timetable and to have it our way. We can see other family on Boxing Day or the days after Christmas.

while you say he’s not bothered, by staying together you are quietly showing him that you are a family unit, and it may undo any damage done in the heat of the moment earlier in the year. Actions (over words) can have a huge impact on relationships and show people what they mean to us. One year without your siblings will not be harmful to your DS, you can make the day fun together.

Does your DH genuinely not want to spend a day quietly with you? Would he really not enjoy the two of you just sharing time together, having a meal together and perhaps watching TV together? Getting up when you want to? Going for a walk together?

This is an opportunity for precious time for the two of you, and my respectful suggestion is that you both make the most of it.

I need to learn how to do this. It's so hard when you've got 45 years of conditioning to placate your father and caretake his feelings :/ someone asked if he has a history of behaving badly - absolutely yes. Picking on my DH was very much in his playbook, which is partly why I'm so angry with him for his behaviour.

Whenever someone posts on here about their obnoxious MIL everyone tells them to go NC with her and let their DH deal with her alone - so I can understand why your DH has decided to wash his hands of your father really.

Honestly, I'm with your DH on this one and I think you need to put him first. I realise it's not easy when it's your dad, but... he sounds like a colossal arsehole, frankly. If I were in your shoes, I'd rather stand up for my own partner rather than let my dad bully him.

I haven't considered that because I've known him for 7 years and I know him pretty well.
I'm sorry but this is really quite annoying. You'll have to take my word for it that he really doesn't mind, he would not want me to stay home with him instead of going to family.

No! He really wouldn't. We are going away on the 30th for a lovely new years trip just the two of us, that will be our holiday time. I promise you, honestly, he doesn't want me to stay with him for Christmas Day. He really doesn't enjoy anything about Christmas and he doesn't see it as a special day. He would rather I be with my extended family. It's not about choosing my dad over him, there are other family members there too. Please trust me on this.

I don't think that OP's DH is to blame for this at all. OP's dad is an aggressive bully and OP's DH is his chosen prey/ victim. OP's dad obviously enjoys belittling and mocking her husband in front of an audience, including her DH's own children.

OP's DH's strategy is to just withdraw from the situation and I don't blame him.