DH and Dad fallen out and I can't see any way forward

[PumpkinTwistyWindToots]

I’m really struggling with an ongoing fallout between my DH and my dad. It all started last Christmas, the first one after my mum died, and I hosted. It was such an emotional time, and there was a row caused by my dad. Everyone was grieving and on edge, and dad behaved badly .

In April my dad tried to make amends, but he never actually apologised - he just wanted to sweep it under the carpet. DH was rude to him when he tried, and since then they haven’t spoken. I can see both sides: DH wasn’t wrong to be angry, and my dad’s behaviour did trigger a lot of DH’s own family trauma. But DH’s refusal to let it go has made my life so much harder, even though I respect that he’s entitled to his boundaries.

My dad now directs his frustration at me because he won’t talk to DH directly, and I’m just drained. I’ve decided to spend Christmas with my brothers this year, which dad is invited to, (DH’s staying home), but dad said at the weekend that he wanted to stay home and I should 'forget about him'. DH doesn't mind me leaving him for Christmas by the way - he doesn't enjoy the season much and he can see his kids Christmas Eve and Boxing Day.

Has anyone else been stuck in a situation like this? How do you protect your peace without feeling like you’re betraying someone and your own integrity? Dad wants an apology which he won't get from DH and I feel like if I give him one I'm being disloyal or something. I am desolate at the idea that dad and DH will never be in the same room again together but I want to put it behind me, but dad can't let things go if he thinks he's been wronged. He won't accept that he did anything wrong at Christmas and just focused on DH refusing to let it go.

I like this advice

So your dad has a history of bad behaviour (which means it can’t be blamed on losing your DM), he acted like a prick and is refusing to apologise. This has nothing to do with your husband. Your dad’s an arsehole and a bereavement doesn’t change that. If he brings it up again you need to stick up for your husband. He does not need to apologise just to placate some stubborn, grumpy old arse.

Thank you all for your advice, it's really helpful. It helps just to be able to talk about it really.
I have to start work now but I'll read any other responses when I can.

Like others are saying it Sounds like 100% of the drama is coming from your dad and dh isn’t doing anything to continue it, he just doesn’t want to put up with your dad, who frankly sounds like a PITA.
You need to just tell your dad you don’t want to hear it and you’re not talking about it. Stop engaging, Stop trying to pacify him. I know that goes against everything you’ve ever known but the cycle clearly isn’t working for you so something needs to change. Maybe see a therapist and chat about why you are taking responsibility for your dads feelings and actions and trying to manage the world around him to keep him happy, you might feel really free if you can let that go.

No, you need to get away from your bully dad. At least remove yourself from under his thumb.

Yes :( I don't want to want it, I am fighting it but it's there. I hate it.

In April my dad tried to make amends, but he never actually apologised - he just wanted to sweep it under the carpet. DH was rude to him when he tried, and since then they haven’t spoken.

tell them both to meet you in a garden center and tell them the person that is hurting from this is you, can they sort out their differences

Yep, I pointed that out.

You're basically caught in the middle of two men’s egos and they’re treating you as the go between ( because you allow it).

Refuse to be the go-between and accept they won’t be friends again unless they both take responsibility and sort it out themselves.

Just shut them both down as soon as they start trying to vent off at you. You've tried, OP, but their male pride is getting in the way so leave them to it. Life’s too short !

I don't think you are stuck between two stubborn men at all. The problem here is that your DH didn't just lay down and accept awful treatment from your dad. If he just sucked it up like you do then everything would be “fine". Your dad is actually outraged that someone finally didn't stand for his shit. Good on DH.

The thing that really stands out is that neither of them have any consideration for you. You're not even really thinking of yourself. It's all about them. Let them both sit and stew on Christmas Day and forever after, if that's what they choose. It's not your job to try to convince them to act like reasonable people.

Thank you all
I just want to clarify my DH isn't expecting anything from me at all. He never brings my dad up, he listens if I want to talk but he isn't pushing me to do anything. He just wants to absent himself from the narrative. He sees it that he's married to me, he's not obliged to be treated badly by someone who happens to be related to me. I see things a bit differently- I would be much more inclined to keep the peace for the sake of family harmony in his place but that's partly conditioning. I feel in the middle of them because that's where my dad is positioning me. I feel like dad wants my loyalty and he's angry that he's not getting it.

Really? I'd say OP shows too little concern for her DH in favour of keeping the peace with her bully boy father.

He's an abusive prick. Why should her DH put up with that?

I'm truly shocked that so many posters think this is OK.

You absolutely are, you initial rage at your DH was because he ‘was making your dad leave’ basically because dh wasn’t kowtowing to the wonder of dad 🙄 so daddy dearest was stropping off. Am assuming the dc that your dad was horrible in front of are your step dc?

if dad was a similar dick to the dc either step or yours would you still champion him?

This was my reaction in the moment, which I recognised and addressed and apologised to my DH for. Over the 11 months since that date I haven't done anything like this again!

But he can’t bring it up if there’s no one to bring it up to. I’m not taking about it dad, if you do then I will put the phone down/leave your house. You’ve got agency in this.

It’s not the Christmas bit it’s how you write about it, oh that’s how dad is kind of thing. Yep dad is like that and his little world has been upended as this upstart your husband has not responded in the way he is used to ie he blows up , doesn’t apologise or address it and expects the passage of time to sort things. It’s classic low emotional maturity.

I'm honestly open to understanding more about my behaviour - but how am I supposed to detach from my dad's behaviour if I don't learn that I can't change it? That's why I am saying that's just how he is - he's not going to change. I'm trying to change my responses to him and set boundaries. I'm not trying to prioritise him at all but short of going NC which isn't going to happen what else can I do?

What advise would be different?

Pretty much every single poster has told OP to support her DH?

I work with a woman with a similar father. The years of subtle parental abuse (sulking, raging, silent treatment, demands for compliance) have made her hypervigilant, overly compliant, fatalistic.

To be totally honest I think you need to reconsider Christmas and choose your husband for once. You know full well you are pandering to your dad to keep the peace, not because you think anything you dad did was valid. Whereas you know your husband is in the right here, so you should support him.

Its about Christmas but its not about Christmas. Don’t get sidetracked. Go to Christmas if you want but make up your mind not to treat your father like he is a child. If he says anything about dh not being there: let him have it.

Tell him outright he is a spoiled, rude, old man and if he doesn’t like hearing the truth he can stop bringing up his past bad behavior.

Stop catering to him. Just stop.

Thanks.
i honestly, honestly know I'm not choosing dad over DH by spending Christmas separately. DH doesn't like Christmas, he doesn't want to participate, he never has. I have a DS and he would be sad if he wasn't with family. By going to family for Christmas I am doing the right thing for me, for my DS and my siblings, and DH is absolutely fine. He wouldn't want me to stay home and spend it with him. I know this is difficult to get heads around but it's genuinely the truth.

I’ve decided to spend Christmas with my brothers this year, which dad is invited to, (DH’s staying home), but dad said at the weekend that he wanted to stay home and I should 'forget about him'.
Hi Dad, if that's your decision then so be it. We came up with this offer for your sake, but of course we can't make you come. If you have another idea that takes everyone's needs into account, including mine, let me know. Love, ...

The thing is, have you ever considered that maybe your husband is saying that he’s okay with being alone at Christmas to you, to pander to you in all this? He might appreciate the gesture of you being there for him, regardless of the Scrooge persona he may be putting on to save face.