Friend and “soul mate”

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

So DH has a hobby, which is fine. I’ve always encouraged it and have gone with him to some events etc even though it’s not my thing. He belongs to groups on social media who post about it regularly, a mixture of people who can happily talk about it for hours.

A while ago we spent some time apart, not relevant except during that time he started messaging one of the women on the group on WhatsApp, rather than on the open forum. He showed me their chat and it was the usual hobby stuff, nothing inappropriate.

Fast Forward, and in the time since: she sent him an absolutely amazing present for a milestone birthday. I mean amazing - a piece of artwork she did herself. She is clearly super talented.

She came to his major birthday party. They spoke in a slightly awkward way and to me she was trying very hard to agree with everything he said, but there was nothing dodgy.

Then when she got engaged she told him but added “I was going to say no, but …” which he said was a “joke” but to me read like she was trying to play down the significance. Then the night before she got married she messaged him saying “You’ll always be my [hobby] soulmate.” He stressed that it is just about the hobby, that’s all she meant. But who sends messages to anyone like that just before they marry? They have apparently never exchanged any other gifts apart from that one from her, but they message several times a week. They have taken to calling themselves “King and Queen [Hobby]” which they shorten to KHobby and QHobby. They want to meet at an event shortly where he is going with a male friend. They arranged it months ago though he only thought to tell me a couple of weeks ago because I was arranging the diary.

I’ve not said he can’t go or anything but he gets annoyed if I even mention her. Is this all fine and normal? Shall I stop thinking about it? Or is it a bit much?

Too much

It doesn't sound normal to me.

It sounds far too fantasy gf and bf like.

And definitely not the type of behaviour appropriate for two married people.

I wouldn't be happy about their up coming date.

I think.you should be talking to your H along the lines of the fact he is a married man and he should think anout growing up instead of playing fantasy games with this woman.

I think I had these kind of talks with some boys I was friends with when we were both not single and dating other people but would have dated each other if we were, indeed one of them is now my husband.

It's kids stuff, would I do it now? Not a chance in hell, it's very immature to be going on like this in adulthood. We can all feel attracted to other people at any point but that is usually a sign to keep your distance not send little loved up messages to married men!

Thanks both. He’s been open with showing me the phone and she doesn’t say inappropriate come ons or anything but the whole “King Hobby” and “Queen Hobby” is tedious to say the least. So is the “soulmate” remark. I don’t want to be controlling etc I just want him to have some sensitivity and boundaries.

Another ‘no’ from me.
Khobby and Qhobby are being just plain knobby, if you ask me. Their nicknames make me feel a bit bleurgh, what are they? 16?
Too close for comfort and messaging that the night before the wedding, suggests way beyond friends and screams emotional affair territory to be honest. A friend from your hobby wouldn’t be a priority on the night before your wedding, surely? Your husband was in her mind in a romantic sense and I feel that they’ve either had an affair when you were apart but he ended it, or had an emotional affair where they were a hair’s breadth away from starting a fully romantic relationship.
I think what you’re seeing is the fall-out after the explosion that happened a while ago. They’re not in a ‘relationship’ any more but still want the connection.
I would want this to stop. Completely.

I don’t like his 1:1 messaging outside the WhatsApp group & her ‘soulmate’ message is inappropriate.

Knobby and Jobby need to be dunked in cold water and reminded that they're not 15 years old anymore

Thanks all, I’m glad I’m not overreacting. The event is next week and it will be quite revealing how they act there - I can’t go so he’s having a full day with her and his friend, who no doubt will feel like a third wheel. I will make clear my feelings and if they are ignored then we are going to have a different conversation. I just don’t see why I have to be disrespected in my own life.

Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood, or missed something, but how will you know how they acted there if you can’t go? Will the male friend tell you?
You’re absolutely not overreacting and no, of course you shouldn’t be disrespected in this way. It’s perfectly reasonable and not unexpected that you should object to all this. There’s only ever room for one queen in a relationship, and you’re it.

You say “A while ago, we spent some time apart”- do you mean as in taking a break from your relationship, or just that one of you was working away, say, and you were maintaining the relationship at a distance?
It is relevant because if it was the former, perhaps there were already cracks in the relationship which led him closer to her through the hobby?

She is trying to tie herself to him with 'king and queen hobby' - and the word soulmate absolutely 100 per cent inappropriate to say to someone in a relationship.

Personally I would not be waiting or interested in seeing how they choose to behave - can't you tell him straight up this is breaking a boundary for you?

Completely inappropriate. I'd go with them to see how it is. Think I'd go to everything and watch them.

This is the same dynamic as a “work wife”.

Thanks all, we were apart but still committed to each other, there had been problems but we worked through them at the time so there wasn’t a period when he was fully single and I’d have expected him to have told me if he was seeing someone else.

He has always let me see his phone and probably more than 90% of the time they just talk about this hobby to the Nth degree. Otherwise a small amount of bland stuff but as I said I’ve not found anything sexual or otherwise massively inappropriate beyond this pathetic King and Queen name and the fucking offensive reference to “hobby soulmate” the night before her wedding. They are both obsessed with this hobby and so obviously feel a connection of some sort.

It all sounds like she’s very into him but he’s keeping it friendly.

This really reminded me of a similar recent thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

(and then the follow on thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5395906-something-isnt-right-thread-2?page=1)

In short no, I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

I'm generally quite comfortable with opposite sex friendships in a relationship, but the soul mate thing is too much. My ex had a female friend who used to describe him as her "best friend" in quite a pointed way, and frankly it annoyed me. And later on I did find they had been meeting behind my back. I also believe they shagged (tho he denies it fervently and I will never know for sure).

My ex-husband also had a female "best friend" who is now his partner!

I think normal level friendships with opposite sex are ok, healthy even, but when some level of emotional exclusivity is introduced (like a best friend or soulmate) that crosses a line for me, and I think usually indicates something is afoot.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to resolve this in a way that makes you happy.

This fucking soulmate shite. It’s always the beginning of an emotional affair.

Spot on !
I just ended a relationship where he had a female ‘best friend’ took him the best part of 2 years to introduce me to her and I just never felt comfortable with it at all. It was well over the top and well beyond friendship as far as I’m concerned.
I also have no issue with opposite sex friendship and one of my best friends of 30 years is a straight male but I’d never call him my ‘best friend’ or soul mate ffs

They're teetering on the very edge of an affair IMO.

OR they've ventured there already and decided to pull back to 'just friends'.

The bit you said about him getting irritated if you mention her made my ears prick up.

Do you mention her in a confrontation or sarcastic way often?

Do you ask to see his phone (because of her) often?

I think you need to piss or get off the pot here. Have the talk and say it's unacceptable for you and you're thinking of ending the marriage over it. Put the ball in his court to try and save the marriage.

I wouldn't put up with all soulmate shit either.

So these problems that led to your separation, did they occur at a time when he met her, or got to know her better ?

Iagree with Wookie, there is a timeline and you don't know the full details.

Ditch him, he's a liar.

Definitely read the linked thread if you want to see where this is going. It's nowhere good.

Id not be happy either tbh ! I’ve been with my husband for 30 years / since teens and there is no jealousy at all but I do feel you have to have boundaries in place to prevent going on to a slippery road ! It doesn’t appear that anything has happened but I don’t think the soulmate and nicknames are appropriate - just seems a tad intimate !!

It’s all a bit star crossed lovers isn’t it? Like a Hollywood film where the 2 protagonists want to be together but can’t because of their evil spouses/noble duty.

Yes, a man and a woman are allowed to be friends but all this intensity: her spending a million hours over a painting and making up pet names? That wouldn’t happen in a same sex friendship.

Fuck that shit.

That’s why affairs are always more exciting than the real world. It gives the people involved the “us against the world” mentality and because they can only exist inside the affair bubble, it adds a special secret frisson to the whole thing and the bubble takes on a fantasyland magical quality that real life can’t provide. The beginning of any relationship is always the most exciting time and affairs make those feelings last longer because if the obstacles and need for secrecy and special code words and in-jokes/ nicknames. These things deliberately exclude existing partners and relationships from the affair ‘couple’ and strengthen the bond. The longing, limerance, obstacles and thrill of the risk/ secrecy make people feel literally like they’ve never felt before, because any out in the open, honest new relationship, whilst still new and exciting, doesn’t have these dynamics. The feelings produced in the situation of the affair get projected onto the affair partner, they think the affair partner is causing these feelings, not the fact that they are in an affair bubble. This gets mistaken for an extraordinary, once in a lifetime love and the ‘soulmate’ crap starts for a person that in reality they have spent very little time with and usually in a perpetual date situation. The hobby, in this case, creates a further exclusion zone with shared experiences and subject knowledge pushing out existing partners. It does t have to be physical to create these feelings, emotional affairs are just as bad. Reality usually bursts the bubble and the excitement, when the affair is exposed for the sleazy fakery it is, disappears like scotch mist. “Soulmate” makes me cringe, it really does.