Friend and “soul mate”

[Dexysmidnightstroller]

So DH has a hobby, which is fine. I’ve always encouraged it and have gone with him to some events etc even though it’s not my thing. He belongs to groups on social media who post about it regularly, a mixture of people who can happily talk about it for hours.

A while ago we spent some time apart, not relevant except during that time he started messaging one of the women on the group on WhatsApp, rather than on the open forum. He showed me their chat and it was the usual hobby stuff, nothing inappropriate.

Fast Forward, and in the time since: she sent him an absolutely amazing present for a milestone birthday. I mean amazing - a piece of artwork she did herself. She is clearly super talented.

She came to his major birthday party. They spoke in a slightly awkward way and to me she was trying very hard to agree with everything he said, but there was nothing dodgy.

Then when she got engaged she told him but added “I was going to say no, but …” which he said was a “joke” but to me read like she was trying to play down the significance. Then the night before she got married she messaged him saying “You’ll always be my [hobby] soulmate.” He stressed that it is just about the hobby, that’s all she meant. But who sends messages to anyone like that just before they marry? They have apparently never exchanged any other gifts apart from that one from her, but they message several times a week. They have taken to calling themselves “King and Queen [Hobby]” which they shorten to KHobby and QHobby. They want to meet at an event shortly where he is going with a male friend. They arranged it months ago though he only thought to tell me a couple of weeks ago because I was arranging the diary.

I’ve not said he can’t go or anything but he gets annoyed if I even mention her. Is this all fine and normal? Shall I stop thinking about it? Or is it a bit much?

Good post Wookie

Yeah it's quite amazing though really how so many of them cannot get it, I could never be tempted by such a false situation, an unwholesome situation. I personally think it would kill my desire, lying about your whole life basically, fooling yourself.
I do think there are still different wants and needs within that affair bubble and out of the two sexes it seems men's desires wane faster and they bore of it quicker.
Anyway it's nasty stuff for the outsiders, usually an ordeal that you never fully recover from and most certainly never fully forgive, but at least you truly find out who the peolple you are dealing with, are. It's a hard lesson I wouldn't wish on anyone.

It's crazy because when asked at the height of their affair they would 100% say they want that other person forever and then it just goes.
Such shallow people, fickle in nature with such little sense of duty or loyalty.

Once you come across a person like this try to keep your distance they enhance nobodies lives but their own.

Why did you have time apart?I'm afraid that is relevant. Did the a time apart mean he think he was free to see someone else?

Immediately NO

You say he always lets you see his phone - aside from this, you need to work on your lack of trust

It’s already gone too far, they’re having an emotional affair. You are not okay with a 3rd person in your relationship. If he’s not prepared to cut her off immediately & that bin that hobby group, you’re gone. You’re married and he’s treating you like poo. It’s disrespectful, and hurtful. If you don’t take yourself our of this dynamic, he’s going to leave you for her.

King & Queen - that’s infuriating. She wants your man! And the fact that he’s okay with this language, is very telling.

Dont grovel, don’t beg, nor argue about it. These are your terms. If he doesn’t like them. He knows where the door is. His answer will tell you everything you need to know. Take back control and your life.

You deserve better OP & I’m so sorry

A soulmate suggests an emotional connection, and not just friends. Also, the day before the wedding, she was obviously thinking about him, hence the message, and because of him, was tempted not to get engaged.

Possibly, it’s a one way thing. She has feelings for your dh, but he’s not reciprocated. He enjoys the friendship, and goes along with her in-jokes, but as far as he’s concerned,it’s platonic.

We went to a wedding once, where the bride said to my dh, and in front of me, ‘it’s too late now’!

Thanks all. So I said last night that the soulmate thing was too far and no married person should ever say that about another, even though it was confined to the “hobby soulmate”. He got defensive and said was I going to go on about it for the rest of our lives. He went on about how there is nothing there, it’s a hobby interest and nothing more, he doesn’t have many friends and why would I stop him having this one.

The fact is I can’t tell him not to have a hobby and I can’t really get interested in it myself - I go to the odd event but I will never compete with her knowledge so don’t feel like getting in to it more.

Equally, I don’t want the marriage to end - everything is good otherwise - I just don’t want her in it. The problem is that all interactions with her are fun, whereas I also come with all the boring stuff like running the household, doing the budget etc.

He was always free with the phone, and genuinely seems to think there’s nothing off about the King / Queen Hobby thing or anything else. They’ve only met once in person - I was there and it was frankly a boring occasion for all concerned - none of her friends showed any interest in either of us, and his conversation with her wasn’t setting the place alight either, but then it wasn’t in a private setting. So I don’t think there’s anything close to a physical affair, just the tedious shared obsession with the hobby.

She definitely fancies him. You don't message another man the night before your wedding to tell him he's your soulmate even in a hobby sense of the word

I guess the question is if its reciprocated or not

“The fact is I can’t tell him not to have a hobby and I can’t really get interested in it myself - I go to the odd event but I will never compete with her knowledge so don’t feel like getting in to it more.
Equally, I don’t want the marriage to end - everything is good otherwise - I just don’t want her in it.”
This is what he needs to hear, you don’t want her in your marriage. The way she refers to him and hints what she feels about him (night before wedding is ridiculous) is totally inappropriate. It’s not having friends and hobbies that is your problem, the way she ring fences and interacts with him, with his encouragement and participation, is. That’s what he doesn’t get.

I wonder if their hobby is either some sort of gaming, LARPING, or exotic pets.

“You’ll always be my [hobby] soulmate.” He stressed that it is just about the hobby, that’s all she meant. But who sends messages to anyone like that just before they marry

Jesus no. That's normal, and he knows that. That message was to reassure him that despite marrying, he's still her man.

An affair might not have happened yet, but the reason why men don't shut down this type of situation when they already have a partner, is because -

a) It's a bit awkward
b) They might love the attention
c) They're fond of the woman and know that if they start putting appropriate boundaries in place, the dynamic of their relationship will change, they'll have more a distance and will lose some of their company and close support.

I'm afraid when you have a parter though, you do have to accept this loss because if you don't. If people don't, they end up risking the breakup of their relationship. I

I wouldn't be all reassured by the fact they've only met once (apparently) in person. I know someone who developed an inappropriate relationship with a woman in another country through online gaming, and he only met her in person after his wife kicked him out because she found out about them.

he doesn’t have many friends and why would I stop him having this one

No you can't tell him not to have hobby, and not to have friendships, but you can damn well expect him to maintain appropriate boundaries with women without having to ask for them. That's the problem see, is that you're in this situation in the first place.

Also, it's up to him who he associates with. That's his right.....but it is also perfectly reasonable to want to be in a relationship where you feel emotionally safe & security, and with a man who prioritises that.

Honestly, OP, this all seems like a rather mad overreaction to me -- I think in your shoes, I'd primarily be embarrassed that it all sounds so terribly naff and sickly. And juvenile. The King/Queen Hobby thing is pure cringe. They've met once, to LARP or play some dull boardgame or do macramé or whatever.

I think I'd be mostly concerned that he doesn't have other, more normal friends to balance this all out.

I once befriended a man I liked at work, and thought literally nothing of it. I have a lot of friends, male and female. To me he was just one person among many that I liked and had lunch with weekly at work.

Then he asked me to come by and visit him at home when I'd mentioned I would be in the vicinity for an event on a weekend (he lived a long commute away from our joint workplace.) I realised quite quickly when I met his wife why she'd wanted to meet me (the impetus had clearly come from her).

And it was because he didn't have any other friends at all, and clearly I was suddenly cropping up in conversation at home as 'TheBirches said' a lot, because I was literally the only person he had any form of social interaction with. The people he'd talked about to me as his 'friends' were people he'd been friends with at university 30 years earlier, and whom he'd barely seen since. So I suddenly loomed large in their home, and it made her suspicious.

It was a weird visit, because there's no polite way of saying 'No offence, but while I do like your husband, he's also a dreadful, disorganised colleague who is notorious in the department for dropping the ball, and hasn't the best personal hygiene.'

What is it on here with partners and hobbies. Always leads to trouble.

You should read this thread; then the 2nd one ! www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5391850-something-isnt-right-emotional-affair-or-just-friends?page=1

Well, I think it's partly that they're so often unspecified as 'too outing', so they sound rather mysterious, compared to if an OP said it was golf/macramé/ model building/painting little Warhammer figurines.

Though personally when someone says, like this OP, 'DH has a hobby, which is fine' and goes on to describe something that appears to fill all his waking hours, I always think of Charlotte Lucas encouraging Mr Collins to be in his garden as much as possible, so she doesn't have to see him.

@Dexysmidnightstroller- I'm the OP in the threads that have been shared here.

I had some life changing advice from incredible women on those threads, some of those women are giving you advice on here too.

@EarthSight is spot on.

Hold your ground. If it disrupts your peace, fight for it back. It is not okay. You know it, he knows it - and she fucking knows it too.

Thanks so much to you and all the others who have given support. I want my marriage to work and am just so exasperated to have to deal with something like this. Why the hell can’t she just be a normal shared interest person? He talks to others - men and women - with the same hobby without the need for asinine nicknames, let alone messages the night before weddings for crying out loud. Maybe it’s an ego boost or whatever, and as I’ve said he struggles to make friends (of either sex) but again I’m not wanting him not to have friends. I just don’t want him acting in a way that looks stupid and makes me feel stupid .

@Dexysmidnightstroller @FourAndFive is a very smart, wise woman and her thread will certainly be useful to you.
It’s clear to me that you’d be fine with this friendship if that’s what it was: a friendship. Don’t feel you have to justify your objections to his relationship with this woman, she’s not just a random hobby friend, she’s certainly not your friend or a friend to your marriage.
Call it out for what it is: if it’s not an emotional affair, (I think it probably is) it’s heading that way, and it’s an inappropriate relationship with a woman for a married man. End of.
So look at it this way: you are not objecting to your husband having female friends, you are objecting to your husband having inappropriate relationships with other women.
Not the same thing at all and a completely OK and justified stance to take.
Nicknames which join them as a ‘couple’, and a reigning supreme couple at that; messages reminding him that despite her getting married he’s still in her thoughts, on a night when you’d think the only man who would be in her thoughts was her fiancé; defending her and his relationship with her and prioritising this over your feelings are not what you do for A.N Other hobby pal. This isn’t a friendship and it’s time he stopped calling it that, distanced himself from her and all of it without a murmur and apologised for sidelining you in favour of all this.
I’d love to see her explain all this to you. You’d think if she heard it out loud she’d see how pathetic it looks to proper adults. He’s deaf to the lot of it and needs to wake up and explain why his hobby mates Colin or Dave don’t call him Khobby. Or maybe they do but it was a typo.
Shes not just his friend, not one bit.

She’s in love with him and he’s enjoying the ego boost at the very minimum. Not on. He needs recognise that this has crossed boundaries and do something about it if he wants to stay married to you.

Thanks so much again for everyone who has supported and commented, it has really helped me believe that I am not in the wrong. So after getting defensive he is now turning on the charm, having just come back from (of course) a hobby event. She wasn’t there (they’re going to one Monday, he is going with his mate but will be seeing her there). He knows I’ve got a load of stress on with other things - work and family. I don’t know if he is being nice because he thinks he’s done wrong, time will tell.

He asked you why can't he have a friend.

Because she's not just a friend. She's got feelings for him. Anyone who contacts another man the day before before they get married, come on. She's inserting herself into your marriage and she's hoping for a lot more.

And he knows it. Maybe he's just flattered. But he's still getting all this emotional validation from her that he's not from you because you're married and go through daily life together and you know him in a way she doesn't. She sees the him he projects to the world and reflects that back to him with a huge dose of admiration, along with being good at their hobby and being linked, so to speak.

Their connection is inappropriate on both sides. This is fast turning into an emotional affair. That's why he can't have Queen as his friend.

I can guarantee you he’s being nice because he’s hoping that’s the end of the matter and the second you mention her again, the niceness will vanish in a puff of self-righteous frustration that he can’t get his own way.
Being nice needs backing up with “I’m sorry I’ve been such a twat and hurt you.”
Hopefully it’s a clumsy apology but whether it will stick or is enough, only time will tell.

Stop having sex with him.
In fact stop everything.

He's not giving you what you need which is love, loyalty, security and feeling safe so don't give him anything.

Ok so he was doing the whole charm thing last night after being off beforehand. I asked him for his feedback on what I said but he didn’t want to discuss anything. So I got frustrated (clearly he was never going to admit anything or concede any ground). I poured out exactly what I thought and why. Silence. No reply. I’ve hardly slept.

Today we have stuff to do that will mean being in each other’s company. If I get the cold shoulder it will hurt. I guess I will have to wait and see if anything I said meant anything. As I have said, I want my marriage to work. I want everything open honest and respectful between us. I don’t want to have my life damaged by this or anything else. I really don’t think I’m in the wrong and it seems everyone here agrees.