DH suggested sex elsewhere

[Jmess]

So a little va k my fb out of the blue whilst getting trainers on for gym says maybe he ought to have sex elsewhere - with someone else as he and I do rarely do
his sex drive has been higher than mine always-
he said it kinda with humour but was clearly questioning it -
I told him ok yeah go ahead , decided not to play into it other than “ok mate you try it crack on “
which seemed to baffle him he thought I was serious -clearly not what he anticipated!
off he goes to the gym
afterwards
he says he wasn’t really meaning it
and laughed at himself for not knowing what the hell to do in that situation anyway!
we moved on
seemingly forgot about it.
but it has pissed me off and I never believed for a second he would do something - I know he’s really not the sort in 30 yrs to be unfaithful with anyone else. He never had the time anyway and pretty useless on social media doesn’t do fb
I’m not being naive
I know him
except for the fact he brought it up like that at all.
he has a reputation for saying things without thinking within the family .
just wanted some thoughts on this. X

HE SAID IT
I think you misread it not helped by my typos in first line.

Morning OP 🙂

You’re not in a sexless marriage, apologies , I thought you were .. I kinda read your original post wrong last night, & picked things up wrong .

Your husband sounds like a good man , you mention he would not like to disappoint his children, so I’m guessing he would not like to disappoint you either ..
It was a funny one to come out with though out of the blue ( not literally funny ) ..
It would kinda play on my mind too ..
I do think you need to say this to him & tell him his comments have bothered you , ask him is he not happy with how things are sexually, suggest going for a walk, coffee & a chat ?. Clearly you guys are still attracted to one another or there would be zero sex ..
Sex aside , is your marriage happy ?

You asked peoples ages , I’m 50 Tuesday . x

He is cheating 100 percent. He has basically already admitted it . going by you first post.

It hasn’t been forgotten you are annoyed with him so you need to tell him I think. He isn’t good at intimacy other than sex. Now the kids have left can you both work on dating again and seeing if you can get on track. I guess affairs happen when needs aren’t being met. Have you considered couples therapy?

Sorry Op....but you're being naive.

My OH of 30 years, was never the "type".
The shock of finding out about his affair was horrendous. I'm 56.

You need to talk about this with him, and find out what's going on with him.

Are there really women lining up to have casual sex with random 50+ married men? Suspect it may be somewhat easier for him to fantasise about this than it is to actually make it a reality!

He’s shit at intimacy without sex that’s my issue with him!

I’ve found that intimacy and sex tend to go hand in hand. It’s a two way thing - more of one leads to more of the other.

We started going for walks after dinner in the evenings and just listening to each other everyday. It’s a great way to build emotional intimacy and connection with absolutely no expectations of sex.

It’s also much easier to have an awkward conversation when you’re walking side by side, and it’s helped us communicate better.

It sounds to me like you aren’t comfortable speaking directly - you’re scoring points, or competing in some sort of game of strategy?
I told him ok yeah go ahead , decided not to play into it other than “ok mate you try it crack on “
which seemed to baffle him he thought I was serious -clearly not what he anticipated!
Of course I’m extrapolating from very little. But it feels so defensive. I’m going to guess that sex, for you, either the thought of it, or the act itself, might have come to feel more like an ambush than an expression of intimacy?

It also doesn’t sound like you like him very much right now. (maybe that’s too strong?). But it happens.

Ignoring this isn’t wise if you want to stay married. Forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want is an even worse idea. You need to have a conversation, but you’re probably not in a place yet where either of you have the skills to tackle that. Therapy is one option, but my suggestion is go for a walk. Listen to how his day went. Tell him about yours. Chit chat about the mundane. And just make it a habit.

@Jmess, I too think his head has turned toward another and you are going to bitterly regret not taking his remark seriously. I highly doubt that he has ‘seemingly forgotten about it’. I think he has been given an opportunity elsewhere and is considering going ahead, and may have already done so by now.

You say he wouldn’t be interested in anyone at the gym as ‘it’s not that kind of gym it’s a little local one’. Are you saying that women don’t go there? Surely he comes across various women during his everyday life.

In your shoes I would try to get to the bottom of that shocking comment.

With respect you’re wrong
i know his remark is alarming but it’s less to do with if he’s strayed , he hasn’t, more hurtful crass and insensitive like he’d just mentioned getting more milk 😑

Not sure what you want from this thread? People don’t make jokes about something they don’t believe. I think he’s saying to you he’s unhappy with how frequently you have sex. I’d sit down and have a proper conversation rather than you both dancing around the subject.

To everyone who’s kindly replied
my dh has not strayed I was more hurt by the flippant way he addressed it and that he thought he could emotionally manipulate our situation.
I know if I’d read this post from someone else I’d probs think her dh had gone elsewhere already or was seriously considering it.
i know where my dh is daily and who he works with we run our own business and there’s two women employed. And it’s not them!
im 57 he’s 59 which i think also helps inform better of the situation.

I don’t know why you posted, OP, if when everyone points out the obvious to you, you’re just going to say you disagree.

You’re being incredibly naive OP. There’s no such thing as ‘not that kind of gym’. Wherever people are there are opportunities. And you have given him the green light to do whatever he chooses with whoever he wants. If you’re happy with that fine. If you’re not you need a conversation to let him know you’re not. You’ve had some good suggestions on here for ways to open up the conversation about your sex life with your DH. Unless you want your marriage to end due to his infidelity you’d be wise to get the conversation started. Being offended by the way he brought the subject up when you were changing your shoes isn’t going to make the situation go away. Start talking before he starts a full blown affair.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him about this.

You don't just blurt something like that out so he's clearly been thinking about it or watched the open house on channel 4 and thought brilliant.

Either way it's not one to sweep under the rug as clearly he's thought about it and clearly it's still playing on your mind.

I’m 56, but dp and I have only been together 5 years so that’s different.

I think he felt awkward bringing it up, so did it spectacularly badly. Tbh someone lacing up their gym shoes as they are about to leave the house and announcing they are considering fucking other people deserves the kind of dismissive response you gave it. We’re not 18 any more, he should have been able to do that better.

However, there it is. Up to you if you want to do more to promote the intimacy you say you want. I agree with a proper discussion on a walk or at the pub, somewhere it is very obviously not foreplay and where you are both willing to really listen and let the awkward silences work themselves out. Sounds as if you need a full relationship reset.

Ive been in the situation where I am ‘providing’ sex every fortnight but really would rather not bother at all. Is that you? Different now and I would be devastated with that infrequent a pattern.

As for people willing to have sex with married men in their 50s - motivation is everything and if he goes looking for it he will probably find it. I do t think that’s the issue tbh, the quest is whether you actually want to be together any more.

Older than you, female, further on in life, have a DH of the same age who’d would like more sex.

You need intimacy. He needs more sex. That's the bottom line. Discuss it fully without reservations.

You admit a lower libido but the short gap between your children and the fact that two have lived at home until recently are excuses not reasons. Time and opportunity can be found.

Do you find the prospect unexciting but the act thoroughly enjoyable? Wish you’d initiated it but he always does?

Don’t be naive. And you are OP. Massively. His remark wasn’t crass or flippant. It embarrassed him but was so important to him that he said it, gave you a chance as he wants to stay in the marriage but he’s sexually unfulfilled. He’s even suggested a solution.

Take him up on his chance before he takes you up on your response because you’re heading for a very shaky future. Don’t take him for granted, believe the only thing to prevent him is disappointing his children. Unwise thinking from you.

It’s rare to find so many posters agreeing. Listen to us OP. Listen to your 59 year old still sexually aroused DH and find a way forward.

OP, could he just have been trying to raise the issue but said it in a flippant way to provoke a response? Have you had a proper discussion about it? Maybe now your kids have left home he was hoping for more intimacy. You both need to talk about it. Also, importantly, do you still like and fancy him?
I lost interest in sex in my long marriage but this was due to numerous issues ( caused by him) where l built up resentment and then refused intimacy as l didn't even like him at that point. Of course finally he went elsewhere and yes, she was over 50. We divorced and after a recovery period l found out that l hadn't gone off sex, l had just gone off him.

I don't know why you think your ages change everything? I'm mid 40s and have had sex with men in their 60s with really high sex drives, are you saying that after 55 nobody is interested in sex?

No but I think some menopause considerations might be warranted

I'm in perimenopause and still want sex all the time, but it's not about me or other people, it's about you and your DH. And I think you'll regret it if you just ignore the fact he's raised the issue so you NEED to communicate and find out if it's something he's not happy about. Otherwise you may well be back here in a year or two saying you're blindsided because DH has cheated/left you.

@Jmess lf your lack of interest is menopausal then, if you havent already do see your GP and get hrt as it can make a big difference.

I’m on estrogel testosterone and Cyclogest

I’m past peri
and I’m genuinely surprised at how many of you tell me he’s shagging elsewhere for sure!
I know he’s not
but if I had doubts or less secure in that regard you’d all be freaking me out ☹️

I personally haven't said that, but I think you're burying your head in the sand to the fact he's possibly (probably?) trying to raise the fact he's not happy with his sex life. And of he's not happy, do you think he'll stay unhappy about it for the rest of his life, or do something about it? YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE.

After i stopped thinking I’d had some sort of aneurysm, i thought it was probably: so, a little talk with my fb [fuck buddy].

But i dunno. 🤷🏻‍♀️