DH suggested sex elsewhere

[Jmess]

So a little va k my fb out of the blue whilst getting trainers on for gym says maybe he ought to have sex elsewhere - with someone else as he and I do rarely do
his sex drive has been higher than mine always-
he said it kinda with humour but was clearly questioning it -
I told him ok yeah go ahead , decided not to play into it other than “ok mate you try it crack on “
which seemed to baffle him he thought I was serious -clearly not what he anticipated!
off he goes to the gym
afterwards
he says he wasn’t really meaning it
and laughed at himself for not knowing what the hell to do in that situation anyway!
we moved on
seemingly forgot about it.
but it has pissed me off and I never believed for a second he would do something - I know he’s really not the sort in 30 yrs to be unfaithful with anyone else. He never had the time anyway and pretty useless on social media doesn’t do fb
I’m not being naive
I know him
except for the fact he brought it up like that at all.
he has a reputation for saying things without thinking within the family .
just wanted some thoughts on this. X

I didn’t say that lol

We’ve had lots of chats over the yrs it’s always been unbalanced
I had three kids only 16 mths between the second two.
it was the way he literally came home from work and said it whilst changing shoes to bk out
wtf 😳

I think (it was said earlier) this is a very clumsy way of trying bring the subject up again (I've been there many times...)

I am guessing that his perspective is that it has not "always been unbalanced" though - and that when you first got together things were much more in sync. I get that stuff happens in life to derail us - but the bit that hurts is that that the LL partner starts off by trying to explain things away as a way of ending the conversation - the bit the HL partner is looking for is for the other partner to feel some sense of loss as a starting point - even if this is false hope you've a better chance of understanding each other.

Check out the deadbedrooms group on Reddit.

How old are the kids now though?

Put the boot on the other foot... What would happen if it was YOU feeling sex-deprived? You've gotta deal with it somehow - DIY? find a fwb? It can't go on forever with one partner unhappy.

Also it’s not sexless!!!
we manage once a fortnight probs on average
sometimes each weekend or other times a month without

Well actually it’s probs averaging every other weekend

They’re in twenties.
but our youngest has been living at home the past 15 mths only just left for travel
and our middle one moved home in June and has only just left near end of Oct so wasn’t easy to manage
I think he forgets the situation and gets self absorbed

If you yourself want to de stress and enjoy a sex life then you can sort that out for yourself outside of your marriage after all he gave you permission to do so but maybe that is me being passive aggressive
you can start by paying for massages

I think you do need to have another conversation about it, it's obviously on his mind. Maybe he's panicking about another 30 years with a sex life he's not completely satisfied with (I realise he'll probably get too old for it by the end of that time, but you get what I mean 😂), and is ready to do something about it. Or it may mean nothing at all, but either way, communication is key.

'Rarely' isnt every other weekend

I would say twice a month is pretty rare.

it certainly wouldn’t be enough for me and for someone who has been in relationship with missmatched sex drive it can be difficult. I think he is clumsily trying to bring up options. I think a sit down conversation is needed.

I think it's healthy to be able to discuss it, which you kind of did.
We have had this conversation. I e we arent having much sex, would either of us like to have sex with other people. We have pondered it and decided that no we would not.
I think its fine to have a discussion, kind of confirms that you do or don't. If neither of you wants to have sex with other people, then you can discuss any issues with your current sex life and sort them out.
Surely it's good to check in now and then, especially during a dry patch.
We will have conversations like, do you still fancy me and want to have sex with me, do you want to have sex with other people. Ok so what is the issue, oh its tiredness, stress, hormones or not feeling great about yourself etc. Then you can be patient and help the other person who is struggling and pulling away.

Have to admit I stopped reading after this sentence. It is just gibberish.

I disagree
he’s obvs not that happy but I know for sure he’s not seeing anyone and wouldn’t because it’s too important what his children think of him

I disagree
he’s obvs not that happy but I know for sure he’s not seeing anyone and wouldn’t because it’s too important what his children think of him

Once a week sometimes
or once a fortnight
or now and then once a month 🤷🏼‍♀️

The numbers don't matter - it's whether both people are happy with their lot. Once you start quoting numbers at each other I think that's a big sign that aspect of your relationship isn't working any more - just think if that was the case to start with? Would you have continued or would you have just thought "they aren't that interested" or "they are never satisfied". Either way you wouldn't have decided to continue as it just didn't work. Fast forward a number of years and the exactly the same applies (as far as I see it anyway, I personally feel cheated that things changed too much in that department)

I second this , anyone in a sexless relationship is the sort to cheat .
You say he has a high sex drive but you guys rarely have Sex , makes no odds if he isn’t on any social media , people still meet one another in real life , isn’t all just on line ..
He goes to the gym ..
Talk to him ..
Also , people come to a certain age & if they’re in relatively sexless relationships, they freak out & think “ I don’t want to live the rest of my life with little to no intimacy “ ..

CentreParcs is good if he wants it elsewhere.

Maybe after thirty years your relationship has run its course. That does happen.

Why do you call him your 'fb'? Is he not your partner and/or husband?

It’s not gibberish
dh not fb
I didn’t notice the auto correct!
if you didn’t want to read more why bother staying on thread and commenting at all
bye

Initially you said 'maybe he ought to have sex elsewhere - with someone else as he and I do rarely do'

So, if you rarely have sex he will cheat given the opportunity. If it's once a week I doubt he'd bother. Not guaranteed obviously some cheaters do have regular sex at home but it's the ones who don't who tend to look elsewhere.

How old are the people replying to my original post ? Out of curiosity?
Im 57 …