DH temper

[puppymaddness]

I can't live with my partner's temper. He is so lovely in so many ways but his temper is so extreme and it's constant. We have a joint mortgage and a kid so things are complicated. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried and tried to emphasise my boundaries and how things are affecting me. He just won't listen and won't change.

The only thing you can control is yourself, it may not be easy but it is time to go.

Is it fair for the kid to live with his temper?

Houses can be sold, children can be co-parented. He won't change so you must.

Get legal advice and plan your new, calm life.

He is not lovely at all if he has a temper.

Time to put in motion a plan to leave him. Get legal advice and find out your options re the joint mortgage.

This is no atmosphere for your child to be raised in. The house can be sold and you two need to go your separate ways. Do not remain with him for the sake of the child.

I’m in exactly the same position. It’s awful and I completely get it. He ignores my boundaries too but can be good in so many ways . It’s not fair for suffer this and have dhs who give the bare minimum emotionally. I’m just hear to listen and see the advice given as unfortunately I’m not equipped to give much more. Are you thinking of leaving him? X

No. It's not fair at all. 😢. Tbf she's very little and he doesn't direct his anger at her , but it can't be good for her witnessing/ absorbing that around her.

Thanks for your message, it makes me feel less alone. I'm so sorry you are going through this too. It's exhausting. I think of leaving a lot but there are so many reasons not to.
Do you?

None of the reasons not to leave are better than the main one TO leave, which is that you’re bringing your child up in an environment where men are allowed to behave that way. You’re setting her up for a lifetime of having her boundaries trampled on. If you can’t do it for yourself you have to do it for her.

P.S., he’s not lovely. He’s not, and you know it deep down.

Do any of those reasons matter than the one big one to leave - You might end up dead one day.

Abusive relationships only escalate, they don't get better. If you stay with him, right now is the best it's ever going to be. Do you want to live with that?

I’m living in this situation too so unfortunately I can’t help much but hear to gain insight into other women’s views x

Speak to women’s aid with regards help getting him out your house or you leaving with your child

So hard to let go. I’m sorry. I hope you find the courage to do what you know you have to.

I also live with a man like this and it’s taken me 30+ years to realise that these are childish attention-seeking temper tantrums. Instead of cowering in a corner wondering what on earth can cause such apoplectic aggressive reactions and trying to reasonably calm the situation - fuck boundaries - I call him out for what he is. Trust me, it won’t change. But we can x

I was you 5 years ago. Stop wasting your life. It won’t get any better. It will likely get worse. And your child will blame you for not leaving.

What happens when he’s angry, OP?

I’m in the same situation.
16 years.
A little one.
I’m so done. I won’t expose myself and little one to it any longer.
kick myself for not doing it sooner really.

he won’t change.
dont risk the impact on your child.
just leave and stop wasting your life.

Thank you all for your comments. It's so hard because when he's not angry is lovely and there's a lot in the relationship that is good. But I just can't deal with the temper and I can't bear the idea of my baby growing up with that . It's constant, scary and explosive. Over the littlest and most pointless of things. Then there's all the practical stuff- the house, the finances, the childcare. I keep telling myself that things will improve if I do this or he does that, or I explain how this and that is affecting me, but nothing is getting any better . I've asked him to leave many times but he refuses to go. The house is majority owned by me but we have a joint mortgage. I can't afford the mortgage alone but I could get a lodger. I don't want to leave this house I've poured my life into it 😢

He won’t change OP. Please don’t let your DD grow up in this environment, it will affect her entire life. If you can’t afford the house on your own, sell, you can make somewhere else your home. What matters most is a safe environment for your child. Speak to women’s aid for advice on ending the relationship and staying safe.

I agree that you can't live like this, nor should your children have to. This anger is so often carried on by them when they grow up. Can you tell him, one last time, that he needs to get help and change or your leaving? It sounds ridiculous, but is there a film you could watch together that might shock him into realisation? If he's not even willing to try, do what you feel you need to do for yourself and your kids. The house and everything else will be worked out, don't feel trapped. Good luck

Go and see a solicitor with all your paperwork ans get your firm options for leaving selling, splitting thr equity etc. Definitely ask the solicitor what will happen if he doesn't agree.

Once you can see how it will work practically speaking you might feel a bit calmer. It might see a bit more doable.

Re money can you increase your hours or job hop to get yourself in a better position?

He’s not lovely. He’s not lovely at all.

Is the temper towards you? How does he show his anger? Is there violence towards anything, presume none toward you or you would have said that. I am wondering if there is pinching walls slamming doors etc, could grow in small ways towards you?

This in spades.

How long are you going to subject your child to this? Stop making excuses. You’re complicit in his abuse and you know it IS abuse.

Do the right thing.

I bet he doesn’t behave like this at work. Or with his mates. So he can control it when he wants to. He just doesn’t want to with you. That’s not lovely, that’s abusive.