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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH temper

52 replies

puppymaddness · 07/11/2025 20:51

I can't live with my partner's temper. He is so lovely in so many ways but his temper is so extreme and it's constant. We have a joint mortgage and a kid so things are complicated. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried and tried to emphasise my boundaries and how things are affecting me. He just won't listen and won't change.

OP posts:
gettingreadyforChristmas · 09/11/2025 10:27

If you care at all for the wellbeing of your child OP leave. I grew up with an 'angry' Father. It was hell. I was terrified of him. Do not subject your DC to this. You have a choice your DC doesn't. I ended up walking to a police station at 15.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 10:28

OP

So he can be "nice" sometimes. Many abusers are because if they were not no-one would want to be with them. This is who he is though and he is not going to change. If anything he will further escalate his behaviour as he has already done. And such men always but always refuse to leave. They also hate women, ALL of them. He likes having you around to abuse whilst you do the vast amount if not all the cooking, cleaning and childcare and that is also why he has not left. You will have to employ legal means here to get him out.

I would also contact Womens Aid for their support. Abuse like this can take a long time, years even, to recover from. And such men too can and do damage boundaries and yours are being skewed at his hands.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home when you were a child?.

What he is showing you here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. This is not going to improve any for you or your dd; would you want her to be with such a man as an adult?. No you would not and you would want better for her. You are currently showing her that this is acceptable to you on some level.

A house is but bricks and mortar and you can rebuild your life as well as your child's without him in it. She could not care less that you have poured your life into this house; she just wants a home where mum is not emotionally preoccupied all the time but happy and to live in a calm house free from abuse where her dad shouting at her mum. Sound travels so do not think she cannot hear the shouting or rows.

kiwiane · 09/11/2025 11:12

Plan to divorce; pay for an initial advisory session with a really good feminist family lawyer - ask around for recommendations. You need someone that’s on your side and will push for you to keep the house.
Once you’ve decided and told him what’s happening it should get easier; if his temper leaves you feeling in danger then you’ll need legal support to get him out before the divorce is finalised. The sense of relief you’ll feel once it’s over will be amazing - just work towards that end goal.

unsync · 09/11/2025 11:45

You'll end up tying yourself in knots and walking on eggshells to not aggravate him. It will destroy your mental and physical health. He won't change, but he will likely escalate.

You and your child are far more valuable than any of your physical possessions. Go and see a solicitor to see how you can unwind the joint possessions, make a plan, have some support in place and enact the plan. You deserve better.

BTW he's not lovely. Lovely people don't behave like this. What he is, is abusive. The 'lovely' bit is only there to keep you from leaving. If it was awful all the time, you would leave. It's the 'lovely' that keeps you in. It's a well recognised domestic abuse technique.

Original poster
puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 14:09

DeadBee · 09/11/2025 09:58

This in spades.

How long are you going to subject your child to this? Stop making excuses. You’re complicit in his abuse and you know it IS abuse.

Do the right thing.

Show quote history

Most of the responses on this thread have been helpful and supportive.
I was wondering when the blame and judgement would start.

OP posts:
Original poster
puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 14:10

BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2025 10:04

I bet he doesn’t behave like this at work. Or with his mates. So he can control it when he wants to. He just doesn’t want to with you. That’s not lovely, that’s abusive.

I've pointed this exact thing out to him as it's always "it's just a reaction, I can't control it etc".

OP posts:
Original poster
puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 14:11

BonneMaman77 · 09/11/2025 09:57

Is the temper towards you? How does he show his anger? Is there violence towards anything, presume none toward you or you would have said that. I am wondering if there is pinching walls slamming doors etc, could grow in small ways towards you?

Shouting , use of verbally abusive language, punching walls/ throwing objects etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 14:13

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 10:28

OP

So he can be "nice" sometimes. Many abusers are because if they were not no-one would want to be with them. This is who he is though and he is not going to change. If anything he will further escalate his behaviour as he has already done. And such men always but always refuse to leave. They also hate women, ALL of them. He likes having you around to abuse whilst you do the vast amount if not all the cooking, cleaning and childcare and that is also why he has not left. You will have to employ legal means here to get him out.

I would also contact Womens Aid for their support. Abuse like this can take a long time, years even, to recover from. And such men too can and do damage boundaries and yours are being skewed at his hands.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home when you were a child?.

What he is showing you here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. This is not going to improve any for you or your dd; would you want her to be with such a man as an adult?. No you would not and you would want better for her. You are currently showing her that this is acceptable to you on some level.

A house is but bricks and mortar and you can rebuild your life as well as your child's without him in it. She could not care less that you have poured your life into this house; she just wants a home where mum is not emotionally preoccupied all the time but happy and to live in a calm house free from abuse where her dad shouting at her mum. Sound travels so do not think she cannot hear the shouting or rows.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar at home when you were a child?

yes. Which is why I can't tolerate this for my kids.

OP posts:
Halfquarterbag · 09/11/2025 14:17

You sometimes find a bloke who can only control his temper when he’s in the company of men bigger than him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 14:25

All of that in your post of 14:11 are examples of domestic violence.

It can be the case that people as children saw similar at home and you did. I am so sorry no one ever bothered to protect you from that. You went onto choose someone just like that violent parent because it was familiar to you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You have a choice re him and they do not. You cannot indeed tolerate this for your kids. They need to learn that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

KIttyKat1999 · 09/11/2025 15:38

I actually just ended a relationship due to something similar, he would always shout and get his point across, dismiss mine, he would get so angry if i 'answered him back'. It isnt worth it, these are bullies and not men. He appears as nice when he gets what he wants and when things go his way, your needs do not matter, When you do leave you will see his true side completely.

Original poster
puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 15:42

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 14:25

All of that in your post of 14:11 are examples of domestic violence.

It can be the case that people as children saw similar at home and you did. I am so sorry no one ever bothered to protect you from that. You went onto choose someone just like that violent parent because it was familiar to you.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You have a choice re him and they do not. You cannot indeed tolerate this for your kids. They need to learn that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Thing is he wasn't like this at all until I got pregnant. So I don't think it's a case of me "choosing" him because of this. He's a totally different person to how I understood him to be.
But I do think there's something about my past experience that has enabled this in some way. Maybe I'm less able
to express or assert healthy boundaries or something, so he feels emboldened to act like this. Of course I've tried but clearly there's something that other women know how to do that I don't. :(

OP posts:
KIttyKat1999 · 09/11/2025 15:47

puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 15:42

Thing is he wasn't like this at all until I got pregnant. So I don't think it's a case of me "choosing" him because of this. He's a totally different person to how I understood him to be.
But I do think there's something about my past experience that has enabled this in some way. Maybe I'm less able
to express or assert healthy boundaries or something, so he feels emboldened to act like this. Of course I've tried but clearly there's something that other women know how to do that I don't. :(

Show quote history

Men like him never act like this to begin with or you would have never bothered with him to begin with, a lot men will lie about their personality to get women and it can take a while to show. As you have a baby he assumes you are for keeps and locked down. Its a common misconception some men have, they assume they can treat us whichever way they want when marriage/children are involved

CurlewKate · 09/11/2025 15:50

Remember that you and your dp are the adults and the relationship your children learn how to be adults and how to do relationships from. Do you want them to replicate what you’re showing them in the future?

GiddyStork · 09/11/2025 15:55

You're certainly not the only person to be in this kind of relationship and won't be the last. It's easy to convince yourself that it's a one-off, explain it away or convince yourself that things will change, when most of the time your partner is lovely, you love them and are setting up a life together. If he changed after you got pregnant, what happens next time you have a baby? Or if there are money troubles or an illness? Will he up it another gear? You know from your own life experience that this isn't the life you want for you or your girl. You know it's time, follow your gut, see a solicitor and leave him. The more times you let it go, the more you end up letting go xxx

Dontlletmedownbruce · 09/11/2025 15:56

I don't agree with the posts saying he will never change and he will escalate to physically abusing you. That's not necessarily the case, people are different and each situation is unique. If he is shouting and slamming doors because he lost his phone it's entirely different from calling you names or threatening you. The first situation shouldn't be minimised though, it's not ok to live with that anger and he should be addressing it. He could get anger management counselling and learn coping strategies. I don't think a person should be written off entirely for a behaviour in times of stress. If its more of the second example and aimed at you then sadly I think you need to leave.

SquareHead37 · 09/11/2025 16:28

Abusive men aren't nice or lovely. The most they are is normal in between episodes of abuse.

Starrystarrysky · 09/11/2025 16:39

OP, there is nothing that you can/can't do here to change his behaviour. He has to choose to change, and he won't recognise the problem, so won't do this. The most dangerous period for anyone in a relationship an abuser is when they leave. So please plan this carefully, if this is what you choose, and stay safe.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2025 16:55

Pregnancy and birth are often flashpoints for abusers to really ramp up and power and control against heir target. He was in all likelihood showing red flag behavior prior to this but that behaviour was not recognised as abusive.

Boundaries can and do get skewed by seeing abusive behaviour within the home.
i would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme going forward as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

BonneMaman77 · 09/11/2025 18:17

@puppymaddness
His actions are threatening and intimidation and a definition of domestic violence.

As you say yourself his actions are new to you and therefore you don’t know how it can grow or change form towards you. Or your child.

You are unfortunately in a potentially dangerous situation, along with your child. It doesn’t sound like you have another option but to leave before it’s too late. Finances can be built back up but you need to be in sound health and mind to do that for yourself.

AmITheLastOne · 09/11/2025 18:32

I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this. It must be horrible. My advice would be to leave. I don’t say that lightly. You can’t go through life treading on eggshells and worrying about the next outburst. Your child may not notice now but she will. You also have to consider what might happen as your child gets older. What happens if she isn’t a perfect child? Kids can be incredibly challenging even for the most level headed parents.
Also, do you really want to be with someone with a temper for the rest of your life? Think about your retirement when your kid/kids have left home. It will just be you and him as you get older. It’s not worth the risk staying with him.

Beefjerky · 09/11/2025 18:51

NC for this, because….MN!
My now DH had a hideous temper. Lovely 95% of the time but when he lost it? Shouting, screaming, total fucking idiot. Beyond unattractive and unacceptable.
I knew exactly where it came from but I wasn’t having it. I gave him a copy of Why Does He Do That and told him to read it. And if he didn’t sort his shite out, I was off and away. And by fuck, I meant it.
He did read it, he recognised himself and was beyond mortified. He arranged therapy, properly engaged with it, recognised the fact that he had been an abusive dick and he totally changed. He hasn’t raised his voice in decades.
People absolutely can change, if they want to. If he doesn’t want to? Or he pays lip service and stays the same? Get out.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2025 19:09

puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 15:42

Thing is he wasn't like this at all until I got pregnant. So I don't think it's a case of me "choosing" him because of this. He's a totally different person to how I understood him to be.
But I do think there's something about my past experience that has enabled this in some way. Maybe I'm less able
to express or assert healthy boundaries or something, so he feels emboldened to act like this. Of course I've tried but clearly there's something that other women know how to do that I don't. :(

Show quote history

Pregnancy can trigger abuse as the abuser relies on the fact that the woman is now trapped in the relationship and feels more comfortable showing their true colours. These men often also see the child as competition for their parter's love and attention.

BountifulPantry · 10/11/2025 14:38

puppymaddness · 09/11/2025 14:11

Shouting , use of verbally abusive language, punching walls/ throwing objects etc.

Show quote history

This is domestic violence OP, no doubt about it.

You poor thing you need to get out as safely as possible.

BountifulPantry · 10/11/2025 14:40

Beefjerky · 09/11/2025 18:51

NC for this, because….MN!
My now DH had a hideous temper. Lovely 95% of the time but when he lost it? Shouting, screaming, total fucking idiot. Beyond unattractive and unacceptable.
I knew exactly where it came from but I wasn’t having it. I gave him a copy of Why Does He Do That and told him to read it. And if he didn’t sort his shite out, I was off and away. And by fuck, I meant it.
He did read it, he recognised himself and was beyond mortified. He arranged therapy, properly engaged with it, recognised the fact that he had been an abusive dick and he totally changed. He hasn’t raised his voice in decades.
People absolutely can change, if they want to. If he doesn’t want to? Or he pays lip service and stays the same? Get out.

I’d say your DH is an outlier and actually saying this to OP isn’t necessarily the most helpful. 99.9% of abusive people will not change, and so we don’t want to give OP false hope.