DH has done nothing for my birthday

[Sycomore1]

AIBU to be annoyed at DH not making my day special? My birthday is tomorrow and he normally does a card from himself, and gets one from the kids. He’ll get flowers and a few gifts. This year he’s done nothing and I don’t expect anything huge as we don’t have the finances at the moment, we’re struggling a little but even a written card would have been nice. He told me last night he doesn’t have the money to do anything he’s afraid and that was that. Just felt cold and mean.

If your birthday is not until tomorrow, OP, how do you know he has "done nothing"?
At least wait until it actually is your birthday before you start trashing the poor guy!

Erm, your bday has not arrived? Would uou celebrate Chistmas on 24/12

It's shit to be told in advance to expect nothing for your birthday. He still
might pull something homemade/free/cheap out of the bag for tomorrow, though...

Can you tell the kids that you're really looking forward to a nice homemade card from them and get them to ask daddy for help if they need it?

I’m guessing the marriage generally isn’t in the healthiest of states

Sometimes people can be married long enough to know they shouldn't have high hopes. Especially when he's already announced he won't be doing anything for her birthday, and didn't seem bothered.

And no, OP, you're not asking too much.
There are so many cheap presents you can get someone.
I once wrote my ex-bf a list of my top 10 favourite memories of us.
I once put together a calendar for someone with a special quote on each page
I once gave my husband a bunch of vouchers to use (think: not having to apologise when he was wrong, sleeping in sunday morning with no interruptions, one free ass slapping without me rolling my eyes, skipping his turn to change a dirty diaper, ...).

There is literally no excuse.

I think that’s what’s got me, telling me to expect nothing. He’s known to write long messages in cards, hes written me lovely things in the past and I’ve kept them, but to be told he can’t even stretch to a card this year? I don’t understand. I went out today and bought myself flowers, a cake and candles, my little one loves blowing candles so thought that would be nice.

I can understand your concerns. Cards are not expensive. I am sure he will learn next time, its good to stay supportive and try couples counselling, finances is a problem you guys are facing and its ruining the relationship.

Read the post again...

Maybe you need to pool finances. If you have money for flowers he should too. If money is tight then it's best to see all the incoming and outgoing funds to budget better

It sounds like he's not bothered anymore about making you happy. Writing a message in a card isn't expensive.

I think you’re right, it feels like he isn’t bothered about making me happy, that’s what has upset me. He knows that I love birthdays and I like to celebrate mine. Finances are an issue at the minute but it should be resolved in two weeks time, however I know he had some money to get a card, he just hasn’t prioritised it. Well it’s my birthday today and has left for work, there’s nothing downstairs for me and he said nothing about the balloons I scattered around the living room, I mainly did them for the kids to enjoy. I doubt he’ll come home with anything.

He could make you a nice meal and/or breakfast in bed

i wonder how he treats his wider family and the kids re birthday presents and Christmas? I think you need a good talk with him as I sense he may have problems in other areas of his life

He doesn’t bother with anyone’s birthday or Christmas. The kids he leaves to me but does make sure he gives me the money for it, like goes out his way to remind me to sort the birthdays and Christmas presents for the kids and his mum and dad. I am just gobsmacked about today. That’s a good idea to have a proper talk with him.

You definitely do need to discuss this. My ex husband started doing this about a year or two before he left so I think its a really bad sign things are not going well.

Happy birthday 🎈 🎂 to you for today x
He's being totally unreasonable to not get you anything. Even with limited finances, you can organise a card and some sort of 'treat' free with a little imagination.
Having said that, my DH will always sort a card and flowers/some gift for me for my birthday but I organise what I'll do for the day and my mum makes my cake 🎂! My DD is of an age now where she will ensure she has been out and bought a present for me, done something special.

Have a proper talk and during it tell him his mum and dad’s Christmas presents are on him, he can’t expect you to put more effort into your in-laws than he does into his wife. Do. Not. Buy, Think or Suggest Anything For Them. Look blank if he brings it up, shrug and say I don’t know.

Hate to say it @Gettingbysomehow but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s going to come home and tell me he’s leaving me, I’m not being dramatic but he knows how I feel about birthdays. This is now about how he isn’t bothered.

Thank you @Mumofoneandone xx

@99bottlesofkombucha I have to agree with you. I am so done with buying his family gifts from “us”. I hate doing it.

We’ll see what he has to say when he gets home. He’s texted me saying saying happy birthday and to please call him. If I’m totally honest I don’t want to speak to him so I’m thinking of texting back saying something along the lines of we need to chat later when kids in bed.

I wouldn’t tex him back that . You’ll prepare him for all of his excuses . I’d just speak to him about it tonight and see his natural reaction .

Happy Birthday OP, sorry your DH has made no effort today. Do treat yourself to something nice and celebrate with your children. I had one of these low effort types ( now an ex) who used to leave everything to me re his families birthdays too ( l think it's pretty common sadly!) though on mine l did get a card and usually some money but it was a lazy get out.
Please listen to pps re not buying for his family any more. If they get nothing so be it, let them see his true colours. If he's texted you now he's probably now feeling guilty but he has made you feel rubbish and modelled poor behaviour to your children so you have a right to feel disappointed. A card and some lovely words from him would have cost very little. What happens going forward is now on your terms.

whats his recent behaviour like? Is he stressed with money worries?
Just on the off chance!
Your hurt is totally understandable and it’s good you got yourself something.
Your text is a good idea as it keeps the conversation door open.

and Happy Birthday. I hope your turns better.

Well I hope it doesn't come to that Sycomore but its not good. Happy birthday from me try and do something nice for yourself today xxx

Happy Birthday xx and I hope you can get this sorted

Thank you for the lovely messages. I’ve dropped toddler to nursery and planning on treating myself with a voucher my mum sent me in town today with the baby. When I pick toddler up we’re going to the park with a friend if the weather holds out and back home for cake.’

@Seaoftroubles This is what has upset me too, he’s shown the little ones a shitty example, my toddler understood it was my birthday. This Christmas I won’t be buying for his family when he asks.

@JetFlight He has been very stressed lately, his behaviour has been generally normal but he’s had money worries. He’s got a new job that pays very well, he’ll be paid in the next few weeks so I certainly didn’t expect a big effort at all.