How do you cope when you just want to escape from your own life?

[Wearentthereyet]

I feel like relationships might be the best place on balance. I’m really in a low place at the moment and filled with sadness and regret.

I am in my mid forties and have two beautiful children. I know I should feel so blessed to have them and I do in a way. I had my first when I was forty; I was so unbelievably excited to be having a baby after having waited so long but it didn’t take long for things to go sour. Covid was part of this but also generally I found the sleep deprivation and the loss of freedom so difficult.

Two years on and life had sort of settled down, although I found the toddler years VEEY challenging. I had really wanted another, which seems so odd when I look back as I hadn’t massively enjoyed it first time. But again we conceived another baby who was born when our first was 2 years, 7 months old.

It’s this I’m struggling with. I have to admit to myself I just don’t have the emotional capacity to cope with two. The children have this terrible effect on one another where they are just absolutely horrific together. They scream, fight, shout, do stupid stuff that they don’t do alone, wind one another up and scream; have I mentioned screaming?!

At first, I was ‘hanging in there’ until DS started school. I told myself once he was in reception and I only had DD at home it would be OK. And since she was born summer 23 and I took a year off on maternity leave I only had the one year with them both before DS started school. Only … things haven’t massively improved. Of course, my days are easier but the mornings, evenings and weekends are just as bad.

I am constantly edgy, irritable, jumpy and snappy. I am not the kind, patient and gentle woman I am with just about everybody else. I feel like a bad parent because my kids’ behaviour is terrible.

My own mum was the same and it did affect me. I don’t want to be that person but I’ve read the books and I’ve followed the advice and I’ve tried what I should do and it doesn’t work and now I’m just kind of … despairing.

I realise the mistake was having two. I know this because alone, my children are lovely. Sweet and well behaved and nice, friendly, not perfect (who is) but nothing out of the ordinary. But I can’t do anything about that now and that’s why I just sort of feel like I’m trapped in this horrendous life with screaming kids fighting and arguing and yelling and I feel absolutely helpless to do anything about it.

So this might not be relevant to you, at all. And if it's not just regard. But it's an easy fix if it is. I was super grumpy and easily irritated and I thought it was the kids until I stopped drinking. I wasn't drinking crazily excessively either, never hungover, just a glass or two a night. But it turns out it really shortened my fuse. Takes about a week to see a difference I'd say.

I don’t actually drink at all, so I’m afraid that isn’t relevant to me.

There were days and most especially nights when I wanted to get in my car and just drive away. Most nights in fact for the first 5 years of my eldest child’s life.

Some days, I admit to feeling utterly utterly exhausted, inadequate, lost and overwhelmed. Overstimulated, over touched, the screaming, the noise, the nonstop trying to keep him safe from himself.
I wished he would sleep for longer than an hour, I wished he was like friends kids at his age, not climbing curtains, jumping on furniture, smashing toys into skirting boards, doors, chunks of plaster off walls. Emptying cupboards, dismantling safety gates, door stops, his cot, the gas fire.

My only released and respite was a trip alone to Tesco at 9pm at night. I lived for that hour each week.
So, I get you OP. I also feel for you. It’s brutal when they are small.

OP, just to consider all the possible outside influences that could be adding to the stress.... do you perhaps need HRT? I felt a lot like you and whilst it was mostly due to 2 very active and inquisitive children who also wound each other up a lot, it was also that I had entered peri menopause without knowing. In hindsight I should have started HRT at age 38 or 39. Instead, I had about 4 years of symptoms such as utter exhaustion and mental symptoms which made me less able to cope, which were alleviated once I started HRT. It might just give you a bit of a helping hand. Not saying your children aren't causing you a lot of stress, I don't want to minimise that, but it could help a bit.

Also is your partner around? Does he help?

I can relate to a lot of that @Pottersciderbar82

I often find myself in a very negative cycle with my eldest child especially - I actually mostly enjoy being with him when it’s just him. He’s an active, energetic child who thrives outside and loves climbing, cycling, anything active really. But he gets hyped up and silly if confined. A lot of my friends’ children are girls and seem so much calmer.

My youngest child is a girl and she is calmer - a more chilled soul but also prone to being screechy and dramatic. But this is what I mean when I say they bring out the worst in one another. DD is nowhere near as screamy and dramatic away from DS; he is nowhere near so wild and silly barely covers it, it’s almost manic.

I don’t know about HRT, I probably could do with looking into it a bit more. It isn’t minimising though; thank you.

DH is … He is a good, kind, patient man but I do find the kids are worse when he’s around. Especially DS; I don’t know why. He isn’t around much in the week but weekends are hard.

I think it gets easier as they get older OP when they are younger it is super tough and relentless. Mine are a bit older now 6 and 10 and mostly manageable but still fight a lot. I find going to the gym or to see a friend for coffee to get me out the house for a couple of hours, helps me relax and be less highly strung at home.

Do you work or are you a SAHM?

Where is your partner in this?

Agree about looking into Peri menopause symptoms.

My kids are kind of a nightmare together and very easy separately.

I didn't take long mat leaves because work was easier! Grandparents will often have one at a time, not both. It's better as they get older although still a big handful and wind each other up. Solidarity!

I am an older Mum but my children mid teens and twenty now.
Child one seemed a breeze. Almost magical it was! Child 2 did change the dynamic and I was much more tired.

However, I want to talk about my Mum. There is 18 months between me and my nearest brother. We were a nightmare together. He was physical and I screamed - piercingly. My Mum said she didn't know how she coped with us. We were awful together. She shouted at us once about getting one of us adopted. She didn't...
In fact she had more of us!

My brother and I are fine now (both in our 50s!). Our awful stage did pass.

I started hrt in my 50s. I should have started earlier I think...

@Mumlaplomb that’s kind of what I’m praying for, but equally it seems that might not be the case … so many threads on here insisting teens are worse and the fighting doesn’t stop.

Mine are challenging in such different ways. DS seems to trigger me more. He is 100 miles an hour, charges and zooms around, has a temper and gets angry and worked up quickly, can be really irritating to others. He was a very difficult toddler as he would be aggressive to other children and so I felt very isolated. He has come through that stage thankfully and on his own he’s a lovely boy. But with DD all the above seem to somehow get exacerbated and while he isn’t aggressive as such I have seen him be a bit mean to her, hiding toys or pushing / tripping her.

DD is generally quite a laid back little girl and enjoys playing, music, Frozen … but like a lot of toddlers she can get frustrated quickly, especially when tired and DS massively winds her up which results in screaming. She is no saint either though and constantly constantly tries to take DS’s toys off him, I do feel sorry for him as he literally can’t look at anything without her screaming and wanting it. So my stress levels are just permanently through the roof.

Sorry cross posts.

I do work but only two days a week. The rest of the time I have DD and obviously DS before and after school.

DH works full time and often is away with work. Next week, for example, he is in Scotland. We are used to it but it does mean he has the novelty factor - DS really gels with DH, to the point where I thought our relationship was damaged forevermore at one point. This summer, I managed to spend a lot of time with just DS and I felt like it was good for us both but this half term has been horrible and on quite a few occasions I’ve just wanted to either walk out or burst into tears (or both!)

It’s destructive but I do keep longing for a life with only one … obviously if something did happen to one of them I’d be devastated, it isn’t that I want harm to come to one of them. I just can’t bear them together, I really can’t.

Meditation got me through my forties and early fifties filled with 16 operations, life changing injury and kids with SEN. I had someone teach me, and it is a game changer for me. Probably the only thing to keep me sane when in immense pain day to day, and running a stressful business and family life. Recommend you look it up and try. It took me a while to get into it but I realised I was sleeping better and thinking clearer, and less angry when I did that undisturbed for 20 mins a day.

How to cope? I guess remembering that it is usually finite? I personally have to tell myself it could be worse.

They won't be toddlers forever. I remember feeling overwhelmed at times with 3 under 5 but I'd give anything and I mean anything to be back there now in the bubble I was in then. My life, all our lives, are immeasurably harder now because our youngest has severe learning difficulties, nearly as tall as me, insanely strong, non verbal and incontinent.

I never ever pictured my life as it is now when mine were toddlers 😓 not after sympathy or anything, I just wish life was as easy as it was back then!

OP , have you ever heard ‘ they are fine when they’re on their own ‘ ?..
I mean it’s quite common for toddler siblings to be like this ..
You say things like ‘ they bring the worst out in one another ‘, that’s really not fair , it’s cause they’re so young ..
I think OP , & please believe I’m saying this very kindly, but you didn’t have your kids until in your 40s, & it’s hard going especially when you were use of a chilled life ..
All of this does get better , times flies , they’ll be getting older & more relaxed with one another ..
I’m sorry you’re finding this so hard & feelings of despair, is your partner supportive?
Hang in there OP x

Please don’t use when I had my children as a stick to beat me with: it isn’t fair.

have you ever heard ‘ they are fine when they’re on their own No, I haven’t. That isn’t intended rudely, I really have never ever heard that. Only child threads on here tend towards the mawkish - ‘should I have another to give DC a brother / sister’ ‘I’m worried my DC will be lonely’ - I haven’t really heard anyone talk about how horrible having two is. Mostly it’s about how they have given their eldest a ‘best friend’ which I know is largely nonsense but still worlds apart from what you claim is common.

Try and stay part time when your youngest starts school if you can OP, so you get some child free time back to yourself. That will make a massive difference to your resilience and mental health overall.
I think unfortunately it just is super hard parenting two younger kids mostly on your own if you partner is at work/working away. But this time will pass.

No wonder you are struggling with a spouse who works away. Can you put DD in childcare an extra day? That would give you a breather and maybe put DS in after school club one of your non working days? That way you'd limit the afternoons you have with both of them.

I’m definitely going to be part time! I’m really hoping things might improve when DD turns three but still, it just feels … horrible. The worst thing is that I so enjoy them both alone, most of the time anyway.

Putting DD into childcare wouldn’t really help the time I have with them both, though … although she probably will go up to three days either next September or January, not sure which yet, as I think going from two days in nursery to five in school would be a bit too much of a contrast,

Consider HRT I had a mid 40s baby and my first was a mid 30s baby and the difference was immense. My tolerance was low and for me it was based on my cycle. I had immense rage at ovulation time and low level misery and intolerance the rest of the time. HRT really made life bearable again. I still have regular period and I stil get PMS but I am considerably more balanced moodwise than I was.

OP , I didn’t mean ‘ they’re fine when they’re on their own “ as in not having a sibling , I meant when they’re literally on their own as In playing or whatever ..

Sorry I didn’t realise your husband works away , I never saw where you said that .
Well it is very hard then trying to do on your own ..
Talk to him , you need his support & he needs to know you are struggling x

So if you work two days does DS use wrap around care on those days?
What time do you get her from childcare? Would it shorten your evening with them both if she was in that extra day? Could DS do a club one of your non working days after school? You could potentially get it down to one day when you have both after school?

A day when she's in childcare but you're at home would give you time to catch up on life admin and replenish a bit so you might feel more patient?

I could have written this myself OP. I had my two children in my 40’s and it’s been a long hard slog. I was a raging mess until I started HRT a couple of years back, i wish I’d have started it sooner.
They are 10 and 8 now and I still want to run away sometimes especially as they are both SEN children. No real advice, just know you aren’t alone.

I wonder what freedoms you feel like you have lost?

that might be crucial as then you can work on getting those back so you can feel better.

Its work that makes me want to escape from my own life, not my kids - I am free when I am with them, and never freer than when they were tiny - maybe that influences what I got from your post. What freedoms do you want to have?