How do you cope when you just want to escape from your own life?

[Wearentthereyet]

I feel like relationships might be the best place on balance. I’m really in a low place at the moment and filled with sadness and regret.

I am in my mid forties and have two beautiful children. I know I should feel so blessed to have them and I do in a way. I had my first when I was forty; I was so unbelievably excited to be having a baby after having waited so long but it didn’t take long for things to go sour. Covid was part of this but also generally I found the sleep deprivation and the loss of freedom so difficult.

Two years on and life had sort of settled down, although I found the toddler years VEEY challenging. I had really wanted another, which seems so odd when I look back as I hadn’t massively enjoyed it first time. But again we conceived another baby who was born when our first was 2 years, 7 months old.

It’s this I’m struggling with. I have to admit to myself I just don’t have the emotional capacity to cope with two. The children have this terrible effect on one another where they are just absolutely horrific together. They scream, fight, shout, do stupid stuff that they don’t do alone, wind one another up and scream; have I mentioned screaming?!

At first, I was ‘hanging in there’ until DS started school. I told myself once he was in reception and I only had DD at home it would be OK. And since she was born summer 23 and I took a year off on maternity leave I only had the one year with them both before DS started school. Only … things haven’t massively improved. Of course, my days are easier but the mornings, evenings and weekends are just as bad.

I am constantly edgy, irritable, jumpy and snappy. I am not the kind, patient and gentle woman I am with just about everybody else. I feel like a bad parent because my kids’ behaviour is terrible.

My own mum was the same and it did affect me. I don’t want to be that person but I’ve read the books and I’ve followed the advice and I’ve tried what I should do and it doesn’t work and now I’m just kind of … despairing.

I realise the mistake was having two. I know this because alone, my children are lovely. Sweet and well behaved and nice, friendly, not perfect (who is) but nothing out of the ordinary. But I can’t do anything about that now and that’s why I just sort of feel like I’m trapped in this horrendous life with screaming kids fighting and arguing and yelling and I feel absolutely helpless to do anything about it.

I'm not saying it's easy or I'm doing great btw, it is totally exhausting when they are like this. Just wanted to share a few of my strategies in case they help. I agree that divide and conquer is the way as much as possible.

Op i hate the only child threads on here. They almost push people into having more kids the adult only children i know are fine. I only have 1 because I became a single mum when they were 1. I dont know how people cope with 2. You're doing amazing.

Your examples op make me think of myself and my brother. I am the eldest by 18 months. He always competed with me. That continued to adulthood even when by society success standards he had won!
Is dd jealous of any attention to older ds? She won't be able to articulate that but could come out in her behaviours eg, grabbing book you are reading to ds or switching off his program.

It sounds tough OP, and you’re right in the trenches of it. You made me think of the theory of marginal gains- no one “silver bullet” answer but maybe more a long list of things that all improve it by 1%.

You’ve had loads of good suggestions here that might fit that bill. Can i suggest you make a list of all them somewhere - even if you don’t think they’ll make much difference- and try them all as and when? Even if they only work for an hour or for a few days, it’s a few more % than you had before.

In addition to the many excellent suggestions above, all I’m going to say is that:

I never regretted getting mine out into the fresh air- and still don’t, actually! It helps more than the sum of it’s parts.

Help yourself be as resilient as possible. Are you getting enough sleep, do you need to consider medication? Limit your own screentime- I am trying to do this again for myself as I think it just overloads my brain and makes me snappier. Consider taking up a sport or class that helps you burn off your frustration.

Mine are all teens now but I still find loud and chaotic days hard. It’s ok, it doesn’t make you a shit Mum. Hang in there 💐

@CusionFort the thing is I’ve been lectured extensively on here before for just that. Apparently they should read books together. They don’t. And I wasn’t trying to read together with them. The whole point was I was trying to do one thing with one and the other ruined it; plus ca change, every day all day. If I had just one I would read to them no issue. See also wobble boards, whatever it is one child spoils the experience for the other one. Which is why alone they are fine.

@EmeraldJeanie she is, she’s jealous and possessive towards me but she gets loads of alone time, it’s definitely DS who misses out in that respect. I only work two days so she has three full days with me in which we go to toddler groups, playgroups, swimming, the park, have done theatre trips (obviously for toddlers, we haven’t gone to watch Macbeth!) and the like. With DS, I went back to work full time when he was 9 months (not by choice) and he was 19 months by the time I got part time and then I got pregnant when he was just under 2, then of course had DD. So he’s not really had me at my ‘best.’ I think that’s why this summer was good for us both; we got solo time and he realised I don’t just whinge and moan all the time!

@Shutuptrevor it isn’t that they don’t work. I agree with you the fresh air is life’s own paracetamol so to speak and it’s good for the mother as well as the kids. A lot of the conflict comes with getting out and ready, the car (fucking nightmare) and even when out and about it’s problematic. DS runs off, not in a defiant manner but say I’ll be putting DD in the pushchair and he’s shot off to something that looks interesting. (No, I’m not putting my nearly five year old on toddler reins and it would defeat the object of going out; I’d have to literally tie him up.) Yes, I’ve told him a thousand times not to and he still does it. DD regularly starboards and refuses the pushchair but also refuses to walk so I’m shoving a pushchair and carrying a toddler. I know other people don’t have these problems, I know, I know … I do. Managing DS is easy on his own. DD isn’t exactly easy but she’s two … she’s definitely manageable and can be fairly placid but the pushchair is an area of difficulty. I like being with them both alone, it’s together they are almost unmanageable,

I did smile a bit ruefully at the suggestion to do a sport that lets me burn off my frustration. I have no time, really, literally none. In a couple of years yes possibly but
right now it’s just not possible.

@NoMorePleaseNow thats very kind … I think there tends to be little nuance with only child threads; it’s either ‘my kids are one another’s best friends’ or ‘I hate my brother and haven’t spoken to him since circa 2002.’ I think for most people siblings are part of a big stage of childhood comings and goings, people wandering on and off the set.

I sometimes wonder if the dynamics would be as challenging if I had same sex siblings or if DD had been born first. It’s hard to say. My personal experience of people who can’t imagine not giving their first child a sibling tend to be women who are very close to their sisters or men who are very close to their brothers. That’s not to say all same sex siblings are close, of course: my DH isn’t especially close to his brother although they get on fairly well but they are ‘chalk and cheese’ and one of my closest friends barely speaks to her twin sister!

Tbh OP I think you are far too fixated on what ifs, what if I had an only child/ bigger age gap/ same sex siblings but it's all a bit academic as you have to parent the kids you actually have. There's no point theorising on if it would be easier in difference circumstances.

Your main issues seem to be lack of support from DH and lack of wider family or a "village". You need to find practical ways to make it easier like using extra childcare or after school clubs.

@Allswellthatendswelll i agree and that’s largely what I’m posting for. I don’t really walk around all day thinking like this. It’s just that sometimes it feels too hard, beyond my capabilities, and then those feelings kick in.

There aren’t any practical ways to help. All extra childcare will do is reduce my bank balance as I don’t have a problem having just DD, or just DS. Ultimately, unless I explore boarding school as a realistic option I have to parent them both at some times and it’s horrendous and I want to escape … but I can’t!

I just wanted to post with my sympathies and empathy! Mine are 6 and 9 now and life is SO much easier. You really are still in the trenches. I feel like I was a really snappy, irritable parent, like you mention in your first post, and I totally get the guilt. Your situation, with the behaviours you’re describing, sound hard. It doesbt help practically but I found it useful in a way to acknowledge that the reason it feels hard is because we actually aren’t evolved to bring children up on our own like this. We are supposed to be surrounded by the rest of the adult tribe, and the chikdren are also meant to be off playing with a bunch of other children, or roaming around near other aunts and uncles. Not two children squabbling over the attention of one lone adult .

It might be worth paying an extra 20 quid a week for an after school club for your DS if you can afford it at all? Also you said your DD is going to go up an extra day at nursery to prepare for school?

I find the 3-7 shift hard and I have a 4 year gap between mine and a husband who is sometimes able to be back at 6.30. Going to the park on the way back from school helps! Anything to keep out of the house. As @anotherdayanotherpound says we weren't meant to do this alone!

DD will ultimately do another day at nursery but not until shes three which isn’t until summer. I will either increase her days in September 26 or January 27; will see at the time.

After school for DS doesn’t sit easily with me at all. He’s only in reception, he’s already missed out on enough to be honest (and it largely negates the point of dropping my hours at work if they are going to be in childcare anyway!)

From my perspective, the biggest contributor might be a lack of support. It's also possible that you're dealing with post-partum depression or a hormonal imbalance, which could be affecting your mood and energy levels. I’m really surprised no one has suggested this yet, but one or both of your kids could be neurodivergent, which could also be contributing to the challenges you’re facing.

I’d recommend reaching out for as much help with childcare as you can get, and also seeking medical advice for both you and your children. That way, you can get a clearer picture of what's going on and start addressing the root causes.

I almost have written your OP down to 1st and 2nd child sex, personalities. I am on HRT, doesn’t really seem to help. On antidepressants, do a bit but not a lot. I can’t give any good advice but I completely understand and send my best wishes 😔. It’s a horrible feeling.

And you yourself OP could possibly be ND as there is a very strong genetic link. Which means it's very easy to get overstimulated. High functioning ND women often struggle in peri menopause.

This is mental. I know MN can be a bit pushy with being ND but in three pages my kids have been diagnosed and so have I. FWIW, none of us are ND.