How do you cope when you just want to escape from your own life?

[Wearentthereyet]

I feel like relationships might be the best place on balance. I’m really in a low place at the moment and filled with sadness and regret.

I am in my mid forties and have two beautiful children. I know I should feel so blessed to have them and I do in a way. I had my first when I was forty; I was so unbelievably excited to be having a baby after having waited so long but it didn’t take long for things to go sour. Covid was part of this but also generally I found the sleep deprivation and the loss of freedom so difficult.

Two years on and life had sort of settled down, although I found the toddler years VEEY challenging. I had really wanted another, which seems so odd when I look back as I hadn’t massively enjoyed it first time. But again we conceived another baby who was born when our first was 2 years, 7 months old.

It’s this I’m struggling with. I have to admit to myself I just don’t have the emotional capacity to cope with two. The children have this terrible effect on one another where they are just absolutely horrific together. They scream, fight, shout, do stupid stuff that they don’t do alone, wind one another up and scream; have I mentioned screaming?!

At first, I was ‘hanging in there’ until DS started school. I told myself once he was in reception and I only had DD at home it would be OK. And since she was born summer 23 and I took a year off on maternity leave I only had the one year with them both before DS started school. Only … things haven’t massively improved. Of course, my days are easier but the mornings, evenings and weekends are just as bad.

I am constantly edgy, irritable, jumpy and snappy. I am not the kind, patient and gentle woman I am with just about everybody else. I feel like a bad parent because my kids’ behaviour is terrible.

My own mum was the same and it did affect me. I don’t want to be that person but I’ve read the books and I’ve followed the advice and I’ve tried what I should do and it doesn’t work and now I’m just kind of … despairing.

I realise the mistake was having two. I know this because alone, my children are lovely. Sweet and well behaved and nice, friendly, not perfect (who is) but nothing out of the ordinary. But I can’t do anything about that now and that’s why I just sort of feel like I’m trapped in this horrendous life with screaming kids fighting and arguing and yelling and I feel absolutely helpless to do anything about it.

When me and my sibling were growing up we were like this OP, especially when we were bored. If DS has a lot of energy I would work on keeping him as active and occupied as much as possible. Active after school clubs and at weekends taking it in turns to take him out and do active things - a bit of divide and conquer at the weekend, one out with ds while the other stays home and does something with dd and then swap the week after.

At home as soon as things start getting over excited sit them down and do something calming with them a drink, a couple of breadsticks and a story. Play some board games with DS suitable for his age so he is having to concentrate and focus on that. If dd wants to join in then have her help you if she is able or sit on your lap and watch while you play/tell her what is happening. Play something they both like with them both - building with bricks, train set, lego/duplo, farms, dinosaurs - build a big amusement park with it all and have toy figures visit and make up stories - animals escape, train breaks down etc

In the morning keep them apart as much as possible. Get one child all ready and then get the other child all ready. Sit with them at breakfast and talk to them so they are focusing on that instead of winding each other up.

I promise the more effort you put into them the more you'll get back - but me and my sibling still fought pretty much until we left home so I can't promise it will totally resolve!

On the days I work, DH works from home. So he takes DS and collects him. DD is in nursery on those days.

Putting her in nursery for an extra day would give me a day to myself but it doesn’t really solve the issue which is that I can’t stand my kids together. Awful, I know, but that’s the bald horrible truth of the situation.

I don’t really feel (now) I’ve lost freedoms. I have of course, but I’ve also gained a lot in terms of my family. I really do adore the children and I feel they deserve so much better than they are getting. Individually they’re delightful. It’s together they are just wild and not in a good way.

@purple590 you see it’s posts like that which highlight to me how shit I am because that just wouldn’t work. DD would just ruin the board game and DS would get frustrated. I feel I should be able to manage them better than I do, I really do.

OP I don't have words of wisdom for how to cope right now (other than perhaps consider upping your work hours again even of the entire profit is used on childcare).

But for a longer perspective, my elderly DM is at the stage of needing a lot of care, support, decisions made, endless admin and a lot of angst.

I am SO glad I have a sister to share this with. In fact, anticipating this (and dealing with various illnesses and aggravations from our parents over the years) was one of the main reasons I had two babies myself.

Dsis and I fought a lot when we were little, and have had a few run-ins over our adult lives as well. But my God Im glad I've got her.

To clarify, i had two so dc1 would hopefully not have to deal with troublesome elderly parents on his own - there are no guarantees of course but I draw such strength and comfort from knowing dsis absolutely knows what I mean....

Here in solidarity. I've got a 5 year age gap between my 2 and whilst I found having a second baby "easier" in some ways as much as the major decisions about how we would parent, adjusting to life as parents had already been done, nothing prepared me for parenting two very different children at the same time.

My husband has a very erratic work schedule and work is always away from home. I was getting to what sounds like a very similar point to where it sounds like you are currently and it was scary feeling like I was slipping down a slope to some kind of breakdown or stress induced physical illness. It's still early days for me but with the help of a therapist I realised that whilst I was busy filling everyone else's cup I had neglected mine.

Reading your post made me wonder what you are doing to keep yourself topped up? With the best will in the world it's probably not realistic to think you can change your kids too much but there might some things you can do to help yourself cope with how they are at their current age/stage.

Cautious of banging on too much about my own situation as it might not help at all but I've been really firm with my DH that he takes the kids out for a morning or afternoon every weekend. Before that I never got to be at home on my own and I find it so restorative.

Edited to change annoying errors from using voice to text.

Could they be acting up to get their Dad's attention?

It's good that your son has outlets for his energy, but it might be winding him up even more. Rather than applying more of the same physical activities, how is he when you just want to read to him, in a cozy place, or do some colouring with some calming classical music in the background? My two energetic nephews seemed to quite like drawing peacefully on the floor with me.

Other than that OP, the fact that they're nice separately that on the whole you’re doing a great job. It's just that dynamic between then that needs to be sorted. Looks like they might be competing for your attention by being a heightened version of their worst selves.

My SIL finds her boys hard work when they are together (she's right) so what she did when she was in the absolute trenches with it was divide and conquer. Her DH would take one out for the day and she the other. MIL would babysit to she could go on a date with her DH. Once or twice they even took one kid each and went on seperate holidays.It really was necessary for her to keep her sanity, you only get one life and sometimes you need to think outside the box in order to make the best of it.

@DierdreDaphne i think the problem with that sort of thinking is that it assumes so much - that your children will even have elderly parents; that they will get on well enough to be a source of support to one another and so on and so forth. I have one brother who is very troubled and is no source of support: the opposite really, it isn’t his fault and he is older than I am so it’s a good thing my parents had me or I wouldn’t exist!

I don’t want either of them to disappear but I have had some desperate and dark thoughts this week. I think my main wish is that I had the same children but with seven or eight years between them, not two and a half. Of course, that’s impossible and would definitely be impossible given my age but fantasies aren’t prone to logic. I didn’t have two children for any romanticised ideals about siblings. Very truthfully I actually think DS would have a much better life without DD. I don’t mean I wouldn’t have had her as obviously I want her! But if we’d just had DS he’d be at private school now, he wouldn’t have someone screaming at him every time he tries to look at a toy, he would have had a couple of amazing years before starting school with days out and holidays … as it was it was just stress and more stress.

@Nad1122 that actually is really helpful and sounds similar to my situation. It’s quite hard to know really! I know it doesn’t sound like it here but I love being a parent and I love them; but not both of them, not together. I keep thinking I probably need to get a grip on their behaviour but together they are wild and ignore me as they are egging one another on and winding one another up, either that or fighting.

I think I’m also struggling a bit with loneliness. Two children might be average but it isn’t where I am and I feel loud and chaotic compared to the orderly, calm lives of friends with just one child.

Screen time...it's not always a bad thing. I will let one watch something while I spend more quality time with the other one, then swap. I feel it's better they watch more TV but also get more time doing proper stuff with me, rather than less TV and I'm too stressed for any decent activities.

Also my kids are always easier out of the house. Harder when it's cold and wet, we used museums etc but are in London.

If they are very active I recommend some of the YouTube channels I used with mine in Covid times - the PE Bowman workouts, the kids yoga one I forget the name, I'm sure there are others. They love them and it uses up the energy!

See your GP and try antidepressants. Find something physical. It gets easier as they get older.

i found my kids who were a similar age difference were both slightly hyper. Think they got excited and over stimulated so I found that the house was like a pressure cooker if I didn’t get them out the house before 10am it was about to blow!! I would spend one day out all day then the next in, to try and get a balance and a break and they liked the routine. Am not gonna lie, it was extremely difficult with one and then both because hubby working long hours and family not near by. I also got the incredible years book which was helpful and super nanny tv show. Try them both and make sure you get a break every single day for yourself as it’s a marathon and plenty of sleep. They will be best friends when they’re older I bet, it’s just a phase of growing up xx

When i get stressed i listen to music, when i get really stressed i go to sleep.

I agree with you on this one: my father is dying from brain cancer right now, and my sister hasn’t even once messaged me about it. She also hasn’t met her niece once, or even acknowledged she exists.

We had a mother who was immensely stressed and unable to cope with two children who disliked one another and fought constantly (and we actually had a bigger age gap) and it really soured that bond too. I have zero good things to say about my ‘best friend’ sibling.

These days I tell people I’m an only child.

I’ve always been strongly one-and-done myself now, and wouldn’t hesitate to have an abortion if I got pregnant again somehow.

From my perspective, I was always happier as a child went I got to escape from my sibling. I was quiet and tidy and shy, and having an angry, rambunctious sibling really scared me. The more time I had apart from her the happier I was. All my best memories were once we were both at school, I could escape to after school clubs (without sibling) and when one parent or grandparent took us separately. When I was a bit older I was able to get a lock on my door and that also helped me feel safe and calm in my own space. Finally, getting my own pet helped a lot (when I was a little older), gave me a real friend and something to help regulate when my sibling was screaming and smashing things.

Just some food for thought.

Check if there any Parenting Classes in your area @Wearentthereyet?

I found them brilliant. Firstly as an escape from children into an adult only space where people understood and there was free tea that I didnt have to make. They taught me how to distance myself. To look at my family dynamic differently, understand it better, focus on what outcomes I wanted and try different ways to get there.

A good way to start is finding a helpful group of like-minded people in a similar situation. Believe me there are plenty out there. You are not alone in this situation.

I’m reading your post and I’m wondering if you have ever had a break from the kids?

Mine were like that at those sort of ages and it’s really full on. But, I’m a single parent so I had 2 days and a night to myself every fortnight, plus a longer block of 4/5 days a few times a year when they were with their dad.

If you’ve never had time away I would strongly recommend leaving them with your husband for a few nights and getting a break. It does make all of the parenting easier.

Also, agree with the posters saying that adding a nursery day for dd would help, so you get a bit of time to yourself. Depending on nursery hours that would also give you one afternoon slot a week for one-to-one with ds.

At the weekend I think that you should just split the kids up as much as possible and do separate activities with them. Or go to eg a zoo all together but wander round seperately if they’re being a pain together.

Thanks. I’m hoping today might be a bit better.

@Namechange822 i have to be realistic here and say that a proper break, overnight, is a while off yet. It just is, and that’s the reality of the situation. I don’t really mind that, though - one reason I ignored the post a couple of pages back insisting I’ll miss these days is that I do think people forget how intense it is in the thick of it. I love looking back to the baby days and taking them to baby groups and pushchair walks and the like but equally I couldn’t do pregnancy, breastfeeding woes, sleepless nights again. But the thing is that it isn’t so much a break from the children I need but for them to be less … difficult together.

I probably need to read around how to manage this better but a lot of books seem to be aimed at children older than mine or have very different types of children!

@TooBigForMyBoots i don’t think there are parenting classes aimed specifically at managing siblings. I hate sounding dismissive and that 100% isn’t the intention but most I’m aware of are very much of the ‘how to establish a bedtime routine; have you thought about going for a walk with your child’ sort. In some ways my children are well brought up: they don’t have excessive screen time and the screen time they do have isn’t phone or tablet, it’s mostly CBeebies or eg Fireman Sam which is at least educational of sorts, although DS did go through an annoying stage of roaring FIRE whenever there was a bit of steam! We get outside a lot, take advantage of local events to get them out and about, read a lot, try to develop interests for them, they eat good, home cooked food most of the time and so on. The problem isn’t so much parenting them, it’s parenting them both. No idea how to manage that. I’m a great parent to one and terrible to both.

It’s a balance between ‘nothing wrong with a bit of screen time’ (agreed) and ‘they need to be out and about a lot’ (also agreed.)

Hi OP, have you read the Siblings Without Rivalry book? It might help you develop some techniques to manage them when they're together.

OP do you try to implement rules that might make their time together less frantic? I'd start with the 3 year old screaming constantly that she wants everything her brother has. She's old enough to learn that she shouldn't do this, offer her other toys and if she refuses take all of them away. They need to be aware they can both play with all of the toys, but not at the same time, and that you will put in consequences if they don't behave.
And I think your age is very relevant, I had 3 under 3.5 in my mid twenties, I'm your age now and feel so exhausted and my tolerance for other people (nevermind screaming DC) is so much lower. So be kind to yourself and keep reminding yourself that tomorrow is a new day and that this phase will pass.

I’ll have a look for it @ButtonMushrooms . Not sure if it might be aimed at older children. Just now I was trying to read a story to DS and DD was climbing on me screeching ‘story, story’ and shoving a book in my face. I can’t seem to just … read to them both.

@verybighouseinthecountry she is two, I can have all the rules I want, she still screams. DS then can’t enjoy or play with anything because she’s screaming and wailing. I really hope that it improves when she’s older as it’s just relentless, she’s also taken to switching the TV off if he’s watching something and she doesn’t want it on. My age might be relevant but it isn’t something I can do anything about so I’d prefer not to fixate on that point especially. I know that sounds snooty, I’m just a bit irritated by the earlier claim that I had lived a marvellously chilled life until I turned 40. Childless people (and I was one, as I wanted children) don’t live in a utopia of no stress; there are still bills to pay, laundry to do, jobs to manage and besides … I’m not saying my children are awful. I’m saying they both are.

OP I had a 3 year age gap and my DH works a lot, i know how hard it is, they are 8 and 11 now. Just to help you view the situation differently- when they are adults, they will have each other to lean on and confide in, and help each other when needed. It is a special thing to have someone who also remembers ur childhood- don't wish he was an only, a sibling can be an incredible gift which you have throughout ur life. I know they argue now but all siblings do this! It won't be forever.

Have you tried having something like gymnastics stuff or wobble boards at home? I have a very energetic child and mine do tend to annoy each other! I find that some physical play throughout the day helps focus the energy and keep them a bit more balanced. They also need this right after dinner which seems to be a mad 5 mins.

i had mine later too and felt the same. At one point I found my self losing it almost on a few occasions. It prompted me to get HRT and start weight training. It’s been a game changer and a life saver. It changed me. I’m a nicer mum. My boys are better behaved because my reactions aren’t extreme and I can cope better.

its worth looking into.

Sounds absolutely shit and really difficult. I agree with all the ‘divide and conquer’ comments while you are in this incredibly difficult stage, just separate them as much as you can.

But I think it is urgent that you see your GP and discuss antidepressants, HRT or possibly both.

Just saw your update on reading books. Part of the issue here will be simply to do with their age.They won't have an interest in the same book. They each need to be engaged with age appropriate activities, sounds like she is bored with his older kid activities (books/TV). For me, sensory play is a way to keep the younger one engaged easily. Sitting her at the kitchen table with a bucket of water and some pouring things. Some kinetic sand. Some play doh. Giving them each something at their level to distract them can help them pestering each other. Also, ideally getting the youngest to bed earlier so eldest can have some older kid time. And if all else fails, popping them in a bubble bath often helps!