I messed up big time, for sure. It had started off with me writing about how I wanted to be more direct to him about compliments and things I might want, saying he looking handsome after we had met up because he says I look pretty a lot. I wanted to match the energy, but I get embarrassed giving compliments easily. I also figure he knows he looks handsome. I was confused at the time why he was writing about being noncommittal here, I was very well aware that whatever we had was non-committal since I'm the same way. I can't do anything official for right now because it makes me anxious and feel like they expect so much more from me than what they actually do, and there's no way to stop the feeling even when I know. I mentioned it once and then never again because I didn't think there was a reason to. I'm thinking I should have told him that it was fine, he wasn't leading me on, that that was my goal as well. But I'm INSANE about people pleasing. That, and I suspect the two Plan-B tablets and my period coming up may have significantly affected my interpretation of things.
Because instead of just clarifying that I wanted the same thing as him, I wrote a wall about how no matter what we are, throughout the indefinite future for however long he'll have me, I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible. That was how I WANTED that message to come across anyway. I said I wanted him in my future guys. guys. I MEANT AS A FRIEND AND A TRUSTED CONFIDANT IF HE WISHED IT. IT SOUNDS LIKE I WANT HIM BAD 😭
To top it off, I then offered some options along with ones that I knew I might've been uncomfortable with. I dropped them anyway because I knew the ones that I didn't want he wouldn't want either, in the hopes that me trying to define how he wanted us to be would make him feel more comfortable. I realize now that I had overthought his message to the point that I completely mischaracterized what BOTH of us were saying. I'm pretty sure he just wanted to make sure I wasn't being led on. I thought at the time that he figured I was confused and I went overboard trying to reassure him, not by stating I wasn't, but by finding a solution to my perception of his text being his confusion of my intentions by giving him options to define what we were. Unfortunately, in retrospect, that made it sound like I want more and inherently expect some sort of response from him or definition for us when that's the last thing I want. I'm taking a break from messaging him so as not to overwhelm him and to give him space. If he wants to message he can, if he doesn't I'll totally respect that. I just feel a bit guilty about creating such a horrible misunderstanding and fear I may have made him uncomfortable, especially because I understand exactly where he's coming from. My past relationship wasn't horrible, but I was severely anxious because of factors in my past that affect my ability to commit. I don't want anything serious. I mean it's not that I don't want it, I do one day. maybe when I'm better. I just don't and can't right now, and he's stated he's the same. I, however, get embarrassed admitting it because of how my ex treated my inability to commit. I have only ever stated it once to him in person. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing by giving him space? I tried messaging him a couple times after and he took well to some and less well to others, and then he started ghosting me so I'm a little confused on what he expects from me, and what he's comfortable with, which was the main reason I wrote that wall of text. I try to match his energy whenever he flirts or comes onto me and whatnot, or when he just wants to hang out for the day, and I love doing it!
To be honest, I was never the biggest fan of romance stuff at the start, I'm terrible at it and I was clear when we first met off Hinge that I was looking for friends. Now I'm okay with it so long as I don't feel trapped but still, I worry I come across as standoffish sometimes, which is a self-esteem issue I have been reflecting on since then to try and help with my people pleaser tendencies to avoid going overboard when I try to reassure someone, I do it with all my friends. I think it makes them feel like I'm walking eggshells around them, like I think they hate me or something when I know they don't. I've grown used to responding like that due to a toxic friendship I had a while back. I definitely feel secure in my relationships, there are still just habits I haven't managed to break away from yet. I've certainly learned from this, though, and I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I definitely come across as too much in the messages I sent. It's the most I've EVER written to him lol. The only other time I write this much is to my other friends whenever they're in a pickle. I also asked if he wanted me to "still" call him boyfriend which was a straight-up mistake lol I had written something else there originally and cut it out then forgot to fix the text around it. AWFULLLL misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Before this point, whenever he apologized for not responding for a while (it'd be like 6 hours max which is like, a nothing burger LMAO) I'd be like, dude don't sweat it. You don't owe me anything. And that's still completely true. I don't usually worry when he doesn't reply, everyone needs time and space. I am worrying a little bit right now though, because of the conversation we had beforehand. I don't want to lose my friend, but I also don't want him to feel like he has to stay when I've made it sound like I expect something from him. Do I clear it up? Keep giving him space?