i(19-NB) messed up relationship (21-M) by misunderstanding a message and then severely miscommunicating what i wanted. do i clear it up? give him space?

[canedenco]

I messed up big time, for sure. It had started off with me writing about how I wanted to be more direct to him about compliments and things I might want, saying he looking handsome after we had met up because he says I look pretty a lot. I wanted to match the energy, but I get embarrassed giving compliments easily. I also figure he knows he looks handsome. I was confused at the time why he was writing about being noncommittal here, I was very well aware that whatever we had was non-committal since I'm the same way. I can't do anything official for right now because it makes me anxious and feel like they expect so much more from me than what they actually do, and there's no way to stop the feeling even when I know. I mentioned it once and then never again because I didn't think there was a reason to. I'm thinking I should have told him that it was fine, he wasn't leading me on, that that was my goal as well. But I'm INSANE about people pleasing. That, and I suspect the two Plan-B tablets and my period coming up may have significantly affected my interpretation of things.
Because instead of just clarifying that I wanted the same thing as him, I wrote a wall about how no matter what we are, throughout the indefinite future for however long he'll have me, I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible. That was how I WANTED that message to come across anyway. I said I wanted him in my future guys. guys. I MEANT AS A FRIEND AND A TRUSTED CONFIDANT IF HE WISHED IT. IT SOUNDS LIKE I WANT HIM BAD 😭
To top it off, I then offered some options along with ones that I knew I might've been uncomfortable with. I dropped them anyway because I knew the ones that I didn't want he wouldn't want either, in the hopes that me trying to define how he wanted us to be would make him feel more comfortable. I realize now that I had overthought his message to the point that I completely mischaracterized what BOTH of us were saying. I'm pretty sure he just wanted to make sure I wasn't being led on. I thought at the time that he figured I was confused and I went overboard trying to reassure him, not by stating I wasn't, but by finding a solution to my perception of his text being his confusion of my intentions by giving him options to define what we were. Unfortunately, in retrospect, that made it sound like I want more and inherently expect some sort of response from him or definition for us when that's the last thing I want. I'm taking a break from messaging him so as not to overwhelm him and to give him space. If he wants to message he can, if he doesn't I'll totally respect that. I just feel a bit guilty about creating such a horrible misunderstanding and fear I may have made him uncomfortable, especially because I understand exactly where he's coming from. My past relationship wasn't horrible, but I was severely anxious because of factors in my past that affect my ability to commit. I don't want anything serious. I mean it's not that I don't want it, I do one day. maybe when I'm better. I just don't and can't right now, and he's stated he's the same. I, however, get embarrassed admitting it because of how my ex treated my inability to commit. I have only ever stated it once to him in person. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing by giving him space? I tried messaging him a couple times after and he took well to some and less well to others, and then he started ghosting me so I'm a little confused on what he expects from me, and what he's comfortable with, which was the main reason I wrote that wall of text. I try to match his energy whenever he flirts or comes onto me and whatnot, or when he just wants to hang out for the day, and I love doing it!
To be honest, I was never the biggest fan of romance stuff at the start, I'm terrible at it and I was clear when we first met off Hinge that I was looking for friends. Now I'm okay with it so long as I don't feel trapped but still, I worry I come across as standoffish sometimes, which is a self-esteem issue I have been reflecting on since then to try and help with my people pleaser tendencies to avoid going overboard when I try to reassure someone, I do it with all my friends. I think it makes them feel like I'm walking eggshells around them, like I think they hate me or something when I know they don't. I've grown used to responding like that due to a toxic friendship I had a while back. I definitely feel secure in my relationships, there are still just habits I haven't managed to break away from yet. I've certainly learned from this, though, and I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I definitely come across as too much in the messages I sent. It's the most I've EVER written to him lol. The only other time I write this much is to my other friends whenever they're in a pickle. I also asked if he wanted me to "still" call him boyfriend which was a straight-up mistake lol I had written something else there originally and cut it out then forgot to fix the text around it. AWFULLLL misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Before this point, whenever he apologized for not responding for a while (it'd be like 6 hours max which is like, a nothing burger LMAO) I'd be like, dude don't sweat it. You don't owe me anything. And that's still completely true. I don't usually worry when he doesn't reply, everyone needs time and space. I am worrying a little bit right now though, because of the conversation we had beforehand. I don't want to lose my friend, but I also don't want him to feel like he has to stay when I've made it sound like I expect something from him. Do I clear it up? Keep giving him space?

I'm a bit confused why you chose a UK mum's forum to ask for advice?

You sound like you spend way too much time thinking about yourself and how you are bring perceived and what people think of you. I dont necessarily think therapy would help I think youd just navel gaze until you turn yourself inside out.

Id actually recommend more hobbies that are practical, reading novels, learning about the world, current events. Find something to occupy your mind and body thats not purely thinking about yourself.

The non binary stuff is rubbish too. You're female.

OP! You sound super stressed out about this guy and your interactions with romantic partners in general. It must have been a really stressful month if you needed to take plan B twice too!
Give up on this guy. He’s not that into you and you say you don’t want a relationship with him either.
For next time. Start by sorting out some reliable contraception for yourself. This is important. Plan B is not always effective if you happen to be ovulating right when you have unprotected sex. The pill can be good because it’s usually easy to get hold of and can be stopped quickly if it doesn’t agree with you. But other options that you don’t have to remember to take everyday can be fantastic if you struggle to remember to take meds at the right time. You should also get checked for STIs if you haven’t already. Once an unwanted pregnancy is off the table, you might find sexual relationships are a bit less stressful!
Even when you’ve got birth control covered, you should always insist on condoms as well.
I think it’s helpful to consider all sexual encounters as relationships. Not necessarily committed or long term or even exclusive relationships, but even a one night stand is a sexual relationship in my book. Sexual relationships should only happen between people who can communicate with each other about what they want and who agree in advance about what kind of relationship they’re having. That doesn’t mean that relationships can never evolve and change following future discussions, but everyone involved should be clear on what they want from the outset and should be happy with it. Don’t go telling yourself you only want a non-committed thing if actually you really want a serious boyfriend and you’re only accepting less commitment because you think you need to for people to like you. There is no wrong answer to what you want out of a sexual relationship, only incompatibility. So don’t sleep with a guy who says he really wants to find his soulmate and settle down if you know you just want a one time thing with him. And say no to the guy saying he doesn’t want to be tied down right now and is only looking for fun if what you really want is to date people and see how it goes until you find someone you really want to stay with long term.
You don’t need to twist yourself into whatever a person wants so they’ll like you and want to be with you. You’re going to meet a bunch of people, find the ones who are into you who you are also into, and then check what you are looking for is compatible. Have the confidence to know that there are people out there who are attracted to you as you are, without changing anything.

thank you. i don't want something serious for a long while until im ready for it, and its certainly not what i was expecting from him or asking him for but i understand now that it still came across as far too much and finding myself and addressing the overthinking comes first.

oh that would explain it LOL i just searched up relationship advice forum and hit the first one to pop up

Honestly get off the Internet. Talk to people face to face. Talk to people the shops, at the bus stop, talk to friends, do a sport/art class/stamp collecting and just chat to people.

@canedencofrom your phone interaction you don’t give off the air of ‘not bothered about dating’

Echoing what others have said you need to focus on you. Not ‘ let others see me how they want to’. This strikes me of uncertainty and low self esteem.

And I know I am going to sound old fashioned but please don’t use ‘plan b’ as contraceptive. Take control of your life in all aspects. Your reproductive health should be an important part of your self discovery.

Close your computer. Go for a walk. Find a tree and sit underneath it for a while. Read a paper book. Find something to do for someone else -- phone your gran.

This is all so self obsessed and over the top. You don't need to do any of this. Occupy yourself differently. Run down a hill. Make a cup of tea.

I think it's fine that you're posting here, just a bit unusual - you're the exchange student who's somehow ended up in her flatmate's mum's kitchen sitting with the mum and asking her and her friends to sort your life out while they have a glass of wine 😝

I do think you're overthinking and should just forget about this poor boy man - he seems nice enough but you've messed the communication up by spilling the entire contents of your rather overwound mind to him by written message!

I think the morning after pill makes a lot of women feel quite unwell and upset though - did you really take a double dose? That's not a good idea, it either works or doesn't depending upon where in your cycle you are, taking double will just cause you to feel worse.

I think the takeaway for you should be:

1. Better birth control

2. Less navel gazing - don't go to talk therapy to navel gaze but do try CBT to give you strategies to avoid spiralling.

3. consider investigating an autism diagnosis - not feeling you fit and not knowing how to read social cues and communicate in a socially normative style and understand what is likely to be happening in your communication partner's mind is probably autism.

4. consider some real life hobbies which will keep you busy outdoors or involving moving or using your mind, to help get you "out of your head" some of the time.

Saying that you identify as non binary so that people can see you however they want isn't healthy - you're not a lego kit for others to build, you're a young, probably neurodiverse, woman. Women generally don't see themselves as a gender stereotype - we're mostly defined by being born with the biology that caused you to need to take that morning after pill, rather than the body that should have used the condom...

Maybe it would help to break down what you mean by not wanting something serious.
So to give some examples -
Maybe you want a boyfriend you see regularly and who are exclusive with, who also hangs out/does activities with you. But you’re not interested in moving in together or talking about your futures because you don’t know what you want for your own future yet.
Maybe you want to meet friends and you’re interested in sexual relationships with those friends if there’s mutual attraction, but you don’t want exclusivity or any expectations that the sex will be repeated.
Maybe you want one time sexual encounters and then you never want to see or hear from the other person again.

Kindly, you are younger than my daughter, so I’m coming from that perspective. You sound too young and not in the right emotional place to be having casual sex.

Yo are spending far too much time in your head. Get out, make some friends (without benefits) and only send 1 text and wait for a response before sending any more.

Also stop labelling yourself NB, everything you have written screams female. You are you, you don’t need to be anything more to fit in/ be accepted.

thank you :) i really should've been more clear about what i specifically wanted in retrospect lolol, will keep this in mind for sure but i definitely will not be pursuing anything romantic or sexual for a while. will also look into better birth control and protection options, thank you so much again. i promise im not as stressed as i sound lol i've been talking to my friends and stuff in the mean time, i don't mean to make ppl think im like crazy abt this dude 😭

I think it’s dangerous to be dating / sleeping with anyone when you’re in the headspace that causes you to say to another person that you’ll be whatever they want to be / behave however they want / need them to just tell you how to be and you’ll be that way etc.

You are so young! You’re an affectionate, thoughtful, intense person. Just enjoy being young and single and focusing on yourself rather than putting so much of yourself into other people and into every interaction.

Less overthinking, more self care!

i have other friends, i don't rlly need much else!! :D when i say im not looking for something serious i really mean nothing romantic or sexual at all from him or anyone else. i really, truly, honestly, wasn't seeking out sex at all and i never intend to, i told him i was asexual when we first met. he led me a different direction and i was like, okay i'll go about this bc you want to, respect you as a close friend so i want to asw. i feel a little lost and worried now since ever since he asked if we were dating we've been sending each other friendly gm gn messages and updating each other on our lives and what's going on and funny things we saw until my braindump. with him we'd hang out, play games, and that shifted into hanging out, playing games, going out, and then coupley stuff and kissing and whatnots

It's ok to want a proper relationship with a boy who likes you. And it's ok to not want that. But it's actually ok to want a boyfriend, not a hookup. It's really fine to want that.

You don't need to be nonbinary or asexual or anything. You can just be yourself. Who you are is fine. You don't need to do what other people ask you to do just because they ask. You actually don't need a reason. All these things are 100% optional and you don't need a hall pass to get out of them.

It's fine and not embarassing to say you like someone and want them to like you. It's actually incredibly, staggeringly, normal. You can calm down about all of this. You don't need Big Explanations. This is all really really normal. If you spend a lot of time with a boy, you will probably kiss him at some point, even if it doesn't work out.

Mostly it doesn't work out. Most people go through all this. It's just growing up and life and being human. You're ok.

This. Spend less time thinking about yourself.

PS he’s just not that into you.

Hmmm. So he was an unexpected friendship and then it turned into a sexual relationship at his instigation and you just kind of went along with it because you liked attention from him or feeling wanted by him?
So the question to ask yourself then is, do you still think you’re asexual? Are sexual and/or romantic relationships something you want in the future or not? Or maybe you’re fairly indifferent but think you’ll enjoy it with the right partner? Just don’t let yourself be pressured into sex you don’t want or don’t enjoy but equally don’t feel you have to pretend it’s not something you want if you enjoyed it and want to try a sexual relationship with someone else.
This guy wants to end your relationship either now or when he goes off to basic training so don’t factor him in when you’re thinking this through.
You don’t owe any of us here on Mumsnet these answers either btw. I’m only putting the questions here to help you think through what it is you want.

OP, what stands out to me is how you're willing to shape your personality into what you think would suit him. I appreciate you said you're a people pleaser, but it's very unattractive if you're willing to lose who you are in an attempt to keep a relationship (friend or otherwise).

You are making yourself vulnerable to being manipulated - maybe not now, but in the future.

Take some of the energy you have given to this relationship and use it to strengthen your own foundations.

Stay single and get therapy.
This is too much.

I know you said you had anxiety so I am sorry to add more to this.
Mumsnet is a public forum. It is regularly scoured by journalist who pick up stories from threads in here and then publish them.

You re sharing personal conversation without the other person knowing. You did this without even realising what the website is. Aside from from moving to more in real life conversation it might be useful to look into Internet safety.

ppl r giving me advice over an issue i asked for, i feel like the least i can do is be a bit responsive if i have the time to :) for me at least, that has nothing to do with how i feel abt the situation lol. i don't have access to a therapist so strangers on an internet is unfortunately my second best bet 💔🥀