i(19-NB) messed up relationship (21-M) by misunderstanding a message and then severely miscommunicating what i wanted. do i clear it up? give him space?

[canedenco]

I messed up big time, for sure. It had started off with me writing about how I wanted to be more direct to him about compliments and things I might want, saying he looking handsome after we had met up because he says I look pretty a lot. I wanted to match the energy, but I get embarrassed giving compliments easily. I also figure he knows he looks handsome. I was confused at the time why he was writing about being noncommittal here, I was very well aware that whatever we had was non-committal since I'm the same way. I can't do anything official for right now because it makes me anxious and feel like they expect so much more from me than what they actually do, and there's no way to stop the feeling even when I know. I mentioned it once and then never again because I didn't think there was a reason to. I'm thinking I should have told him that it was fine, he wasn't leading me on, that that was my goal as well. But I'm INSANE about people pleasing. That, and I suspect the two Plan-B tablets and my period coming up may have significantly affected my interpretation of things.
Because instead of just clarifying that I wanted the same thing as him, I wrote a wall about how no matter what we are, throughout the indefinite future for however long he'll have me, I want to make him feel as comfortable as possible. That was how I WANTED that message to come across anyway. I said I wanted him in my future guys. guys. I MEANT AS A FRIEND AND A TRUSTED CONFIDANT IF HE WISHED IT. IT SOUNDS LIKE I WANT HIM BAD 😭
To top it off, I then offered some options along with ones that I knew I might've been uncomfortable with. I dropped them anyway because I knew the ones that I didn't want he wouldn't want either, in the hopes that me trying to define how he wanted us to be would make him feel more comfortable. I realize now that I had overthought his message to the point that I completely mischaracterized what BOTH of us were saying. I'm pretty sure he just wanted to make sure I wasn't being led on. I thought at the time that he figured I was confused and I went overboard trying to reassure him, not by stating I wasn't, but by finding a solution to my perception of his text being his confusion of my intentions by giving him options to define what we were. Unfortunately, in retrospect, that made it sound like I want more and inherently expect some sort of response from him or definition for us when that's the last thing I want. I'm taking a break from messaging him so as not to overwhelm him and to give him space. If he wants to message he can, if he doesn't I'll totally respect that. I just feel a bit guilty about creating such a horrible misunderstanding and fear I may have made him uncomfortable, especially because I understand exactly where he's coming from. My past relationship wasn't horrible, but I was severely anxious because of factors in my past that affect my ability to commit. I don't want anything serious. I mean it's not that I don't want it, I do one day. maybe when I'm better. I just don't and can't right now, and he's stated he's the same. I, however, get embarrassed admitting it because of how my ex treated my inability to commit. I have only ever stated it once to him in person. Any advice? Am I doing the right thing by giving him space? I tried messaging him a couple times after and he took well to some and less well to others, and then he started ghosting me so I'm a little confused on what he expects from me, and what he's comfortable with, which was the main reason I wrote that wall of text. I try to match his energy whenever he flirts or comes onto me and whatnot, or when he just wants to hang out for the day, and I love doing it!
To be honest, I was never the biggest fan of romance stuff at the start, I'm terrible at it and I was clear when we first met off Hinge that I was looking for friends. Now I'm okay with it so long as I don't feel trapped but still, I worry I come across as standoffish sometimes, which is a self-esteem issue I have been reflecting on since then to try and help with my people pleaser tendencies to avoid going overboard when I try to reassure someone, I do it with all my friends. I think it makes them feel like I'm walking eggshells around them, like I think they hate me or something when I know they don't. I've grown used to responding like that due to a toxic friendship I had a while back. I definitely feel secure in my relationships, there are still just habits I haven't managed to break away from yet. I've certainly learned from this, though, and I wouldn't repeat the mistake again but I definitely come across as too much in the messages I sent. It's the most I've EVER written to him lol. The only other time I write this much is to my other friends whenever they're in a pickle. I also asked if he wanted me to "still" call him boyfriend which was a straight-up mistake lol I had written something else there originally and cut it out then forgot to fix the text around it. AWFULLLL misunderstanding and miscommunication.
Before this point, whenever he apologized for not responding for a while (it'd be like 6 hours max which is like, a nothing burger LMAO) I'd be like, dude don't sweat it. You don't owe me anything. And that's still completely true. I don't usually worry when he doesn't reply, everyone needs time and space. I am worrying a little bit right now though, because of the conversation we had beforehand. I don't want to lose my friend, but I also don't want him to feel like he has to stay when I've made it sound like I expect something from him. Do I clear it up? Keep giving him space?

ohhh shit thank u for letting me know. i don't think they'd find anything too interesting abt this tho lol just someone who seems like an obsessive teenage freak

Men aren’t going to give you what you need sadly, I think it might be worth navigating the dating market with women in mind instead. Communication will be much easier for one.

It’s not really fair of you to publish this guy’s comments, with screenshots, across the entire internet.

Sadly this is true and although I hope you've got positive advice which you can act on, you should probably ask for the post to be deleted.

You could alternatively ask for the screenshot to be deleted or repost without the screenshots if you want.

I thought MN didn't allow photos and screenshots without a posting history come to think of it...

You need to know your worth and value.
You're clearly not confident in yourself, despite coming across as extremely caring and thoughtful and having a lot of positive traits.
I think you're thoughtful of others to the detriment of yourself. You need to prioritise your happiness first, and if you are happy you can then work on making someone else happy, and that will find you a relationship which works. If you are trying to make someone else happy in order to try and get love it just won't end well, you'll settle with someone who doesn't match with you and you won't be being genuine with yourself or them about what you need in a relationship long term.

I think most of us have awkward dating stories from when we were your age. Its like a rite of passage.

I still cringe at some of the daft stuff I said or did.
But I would say first get some sensible birth control.
Secondly try to stop over thinking/analysing everything. Including yourself. Its never good for your mental health .
And maybe be single for a while and just focus on your career/university or whatever you are doing .

I agree, it'd be super unfair to both of us. do you know who i could contact to go about making sure that happens?

I'm actually glad you came here for advice, you need a few wise old(er) mums on your side.

I'm going to echo some of the great advice you've had on here already; you come across very much as someone who spends way too much time cooped up inside, online, not engaging with real people in real life. If I was a betting woman I'd be putting money on weed being in the equation along with gaming. No job?

My advice to you, as a mum of people your age, is;
Spend much more time outdoors, in nature and in sunshine ideally. To do this you're going to have to make sure you're up in daylight hours and sleeping at night.

Stop eating garbage food, make sure you're eating fruit and vegetables (that aren't fried potatoes) every single day.

Find ways to be productive and work with real people. Work, volunteer, join in person hobby groups, play team sport.

Practise self care every day. Start by putting the phone away for awhile. Take a bath with some candles and music, stretching/yoga, read a book, lie on the grass under a tree and watch the clouds.

You won't believe how much better you'll feel! Good luck.

yes, that's why i censored his name and profile picture in all of them. that being said, i was not aware this was that kind of website. do you know if there's anyone i could contact to get them taken down??

Lots of mums here with very good advice. But where is your own mother? You’re still young enough to need her advice, and also old enough to start your adult-phase relationship with her. Is she around? Do you talk to her?

Report your own post - the same menu you're using to quote - and write your explanation and request for deletion.

If you report your own post, you can ask the mods to delete the whole thread.

You come across as vulnerable, needy, and desperate for the approval and affection of others. You are hence at huge risk of being taken advantage of. Regardless of how you feel about being female, the rest of the world will see you as female and will treat you accordingly. This includes men with less than gentlemanly intentions towards you. I believe the phrase used by the manosphere is "pump and dump material".

To protect yourself:

• Get an STI screening.
• Get an IUS or a similar reliable contraceptive. I do not recommend the Pill nor any other oestrogen-based method because it affects your mood and quadruples your stroke risk. This doesn't protect your mind and heart, nor does it stop STI transmission, but it does protect you from pregnancy.
• Take the Freedom Programme online, then take it again a year later. It will teach you how to recognise abusive men.
• Learn to be comfortable alone, enjoying the peace of being in your own space. When you are comfortable being alone, it's a lot easier to tell low value men to fuck off.

I agree with everything the previous posters have written.

Be careful trying to be who you think others want you to be. I fear you're setting yourself up to be abused this way, especially if you're autistic, so please, stay away from men until you have overcome this issue.

OP- I haven’t read all your first post because it was too long but I read the screen shot messages. You are being too desperate to have this guy like you. Be confident in who you are and what you want. You don’t have to change your tone or your personality for anyone. If they don’t like it, that’s fine they’re not for you. This guy isn’t interested. You’re being a bit much and he’s backing off but is probably just wanting sex and currently your messages are saying that you’ll give him whatever he wants. You need a bit more confidence in yourself I think and some more dignity. If he’s not replying, leave him to it. That’s on him. I doubt he’s worrying like you are. Work on yourself more and developing your sense of self worth before you engage in any more relationships, that’s my advice. I hope it’s not too blunt. You seem lovely.

she is!! i love her very much and i do usually tell her about my struggles, she's just had a lot on her plate this week. i did talk to one of my friends' moms abt it tho LMAO, it's just she sugarcoated a lot and i really do feel like i was in the wrong. well, not "in the wrong" per se, just a loottt.

The morning after pill (plan B) isn't a reliable form of contraception. It's for emergency use. Getting pregnant to a guy who is only after sex is pretty serious. Get proper contraception and use condoms to protect your health too.

As for your mental health. Block this one and move on.

Download chat gpt!!! May help.your autistic anxious over thinking i use it alot

You sound like very hard work.

The overthinking is already way too much, but you’re making it worse by spelling out your overthinking in detail and expecting other people to engage with that.

Nobody wants to get a lengthy, earnestly introspective treatise on your thought and feelings over every trivial interaction you have with them. It comes across as really stressy and self-obsessed. Other people aren’t likely to be very interested in how you’re ‘working on yourself’. It’s not that fascinating to other people. You don’t have to express every thought that goes through your head.

in short: calm down, lighten up and stop being so incredibly intense and angsty about everything. It’s exhausting for others.

Honestly? You seem very young and not yet very mature. Agree with the post by @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice that you really need to find yourself some hobbies, a healthy lifestyle, a job or college course, and rather than obsessing about boys and relationships, think about broadening your horizons, working on growing up, and focusing on you. You don’t as yet sound very responsible either with contraception or with looking after yourself; and your focus should be on you as a person, not on sex, attracting men or texting constantly.

Get off the internet and your phone, take up some hobbies, meet people and enjoy social activities without immediately thinking about getting a boyfriend, read some books, take up a sport or exercise, choose a language to learn, or a subject to study. Learn to write not in text-speak. Talk to some people who aren’t your own age group. Read the papers. Apply for jobs or courses. This time of your life is for discovering who you want to be, educating yourself, gaining life experience and learning about the world, not obsessing about tiny details in text conversations or trailing around after men who aren’t really into anything serious.

—Oh, and no-one feels they fit into gender stereotypes.

I wish you the best of luck, OP: bonne chance!

You must clear it up.