My Fiance told another woman he fantasises about her

[holida]

I’m so upset right now but I’m not sure if I’m being dramatic?!

Me and OH were at a large group party. One of my closest friends is really struggling atm as she is recently single after 6 year relationship OH is aware of this.

she confided in him in a conversation and said she felt really alone and unwanted. His reply back to her was ‘don’t worry even I fantasise about you’
i have asked him what happened next and apparently the conversation fizzled out.

He proudly told me what he said to her in the taxi on the way home. Am I unreasonable for thinking this is awful of him? :(

My friend’s partner did similar years ago except it was an act not a comment.
I told her, she believed his (frankly laughable) version and we lost contact .
years later he was arrested for sexual assaults (multiple).
she went through hell, she and I became friends again, we’ve been good friends ever since

What does she look like?

It starts with one dodgy comment and goes from there….

Look at all the posts from women with husbands who have affairs or make a pass at a friend or relative. You need to be really choosy when you marry.

Exactly, bet she’s attractive

She shouldn’t have told your fiancé she feels alone and unwanted.

He should have closed it down kindly…don’t worry Sandra you’ll soon meet someone else, he didn’t deserve you anyway.

he obviously thought he was making her feel better, but obviously said somthing really stupid rather than dont worry anyone would be lucky to have you.

My first thoughts were similar to @mammat72 here - if he doesn’t have form for this sort of sleazy comment and just said something crass in the moment in an attempt to make her feel better, I’d be cross (and tell him so!) but let it go. Different matter if this is just the tip of the iceberg and there are lots of other similar incidents, though….

Wonder why he told you?! How bizarre

This is true op: maybe he thought he was being wonderfully chivalrous and you would be so pleased - but what he thought doesn't mean most of us would be profoundly disturbed by that comment.

The problem with these sorts of situations, though, is if that's how it is, that's how it is. There isn't much point chastising him into not being honest with you.

The uncomfortable truth is he is either telling the truth or he has no concept of appropriate boundaries. Neither are heartening as you go into a marriage.

I guess the first step is to find out WHICH of those two it is so you know what you are dealing with before you think about ways to respond. I think getting upset won't help with that. Try to calmly elicit the truth then start to think.

She tested the boundaries with that comment and he broke them. What does he say to women when you're not around 🥲

I hate that society has made women feel they are being dramatic or unfair for having perfectly normal reactions to situations.
The need for some many people to protect a man they don't know. Or say oh well they aren't that clever are they they can't help it.

However way people spin it op the facts are this now makes him untrustworthy. If anything happens now there would be plenty on here saying well the writing was on the wall why didn't you listen 🙈

Do you want to spend your life with someone who is this untrustworthy and also unintelligent.
If its a genuine blip for him then he'd realise and be taking the necessary steps for change and reassuring you. He doesn't sound like he has that level of awareness.

If you reverse it would you tell his friend you fantasise about them? Then tell him after like it's nothing? Or does that seem absurd to you ? He is either unintelligent or testing you to see where your line is and how much he can get away with.

I think YABU that he's still your fiance! Girl, find some self respect!

Run for the hills. Get out while you can. His mask has slipped and he has shown you who he is—believe him.

It might just be a drunken comment to try to make your friend feel better but on the other hand, he might actually fantasise about her!
I’d have to ask the friend what was actually said.

"And several of you actually advising the OP to leave her fiance!
Over one drunk unsuitable comment he blurted out, triggered by a woman saying something totally unsuitable to him first.
You lot are absolutely insane."

It's not really about the drunken comment. It's about how he views it now. If he had said afterwards that he drank too much, made a tit of himself and he's embarrassed about it, that would be a different story. The problem here is that he thinks what he said is fine. He's an idiot.

@holida, how are things going now?

This would be a major breach for me. I mean, what are you and your Friend supposed to do with this appalling information? In one fell swoop your Fiancé has poisoned your relationship with him and made it impossible for you to comfortably socialize with her. She must feel so unsettled about his declaration.

I wouldn’t move forward with him under these circumstances.

Huh? OP literally says he is upset about it and has apologised!

These replies are bat sh*t crazy!

he was obviously trying to be a nice person and reassure the girl - there was no malice involved at all. Clearly evident from
him proudly telling you about the Good Samaritan he was

he does not actually fantasise about her: yes maybe a bit silly. But I think he probably reckoned you thought your relationship was solid enough for him to compliment another woman (even if in a slightly misguided way)

I'm the most cynical old bat ever, yet agree with @Namechangedforthis25, @Menocandoone &co. There are two big clues in the fact that he told OP so happily about what he'd said, and that he reportedly said "Even I fancy you". The implication being "You're so wonderful that as a solidly-attached man, who would never cheat, I still have thoughts about you." He's trying to tell her she won't be single long because she's an ultimate temptation. It's creepy, icky and tone deaf but not a statement of intent, imo.

I agree that most men would hear "I fantasise about you" as a massive compliment, or a cheering boost to their day at least. An adult male should be aware of its opposite effect on women - it comes across as predatory; we get weird and scary strangers telling us we're sexy; we don't need to hear it from male friends we thought we could trust. Keep your wandering thoughts to yourself, dickhead!

Well, now he does know. And he's sorry. I hope your friend wasn't too freaked out by DP's cackhanded "compliment", OP, and this goes down as a small learning moment for him. Also that he's made up for your hurt feelings!

You mean ex-fiancé right?

She should mean ex-fiance

How is this remotely excusable or ok? Tell him you hope he'll be happy alone with his fantasies and dump him.

He has told you who is OP. He fantasises about your friend and has told her that. Maybe he fantasises about other friends of yours, maybe he just has a crush on this one. Maybe he will take it further one day, again during a drunken evening when boundaries can be further crossed.

But I think the key thing is the picture you have of him inside your head - solid, trustworthy - is not the real him, it is an idealised picture. I think you should find about more about who he really is & then make a decision on whether this is the man for you.

So he offers uo this fantasy and the convo quickly fizzles out, despite it seeming to be quite a deep and meaningful chat prior. I'd say it probably got very awkward and he realised how much he effed up. He's aware that this might come and bite him on the arse so he decides to tell you first.

It's quite clever because he's not told you in a confessional way. And instead pretended he's utterly dimwitted and thought he was offering a helping hand.

Sorry but men are not so stupid as to think this would be 'helpful' and their finace will be ok with it.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

I would end the relationship. What a fucking weirdo.

I agree with this. He was super proud of himself for being so gallant. However, he is really misguided and a bit thick!