My Fiance told another woman he fantasises about her

[holida]

I’m so upset right now but I’m not sure if I’m being dramatic?!

Me and OH were at a large group party. One of my closest friends is really struggling atm as she is recently single after 6 year relationship OH is aware of this.

she confided in him in a conversation and said she felt really alone and unwanted. His reply back to her was ‘don’t worry even I fantasise about you’
i have asked him what happened next and apparently the conversation fizzled out.

He proudly told me what he said to her in the taxi on the way home. Am I unreasonable for thinking this is awful of him? :(

😂 honestly it sounds like he made a really clumsy attempt to make her feel better in a weird situation
But hes your fiance, you should know him and what it means. You shouldnt need our opinion.

Do you think its awful for you or for your friend?

Totally this,out of everyone she confided in your partner.

Men usually are.

Do you think he literally meant it?
It sounds like he was aiming for an "anyone would be lucky to be with you" supportive comment...and missed spectacularly. Which he failed to realise and was rather pleased with himself for supporting your friend at a tricky time.
But if the intention was literal and you think he would have acted on it if she had responded in kind, then he has torpedoed your relationship.

He’s an idiot for being drawn into a conversation where your friend was fishing for compliments to boost her low self esteem.
They should both know better.
Tell them how it’s made you feel and make it clear that it doesn’t happen again.
Then move on with your life. This isn’t a LTB.

The conversation didn't fizzle out. She was horrified and uncomfortable. Can't believe he is so dense that he doesn't realise that.

Gross. 🤮

I really really appreciate all your replies, thank you. Didn’t feel like confiding in friends for this one for obvious reasons!

Not spoken to OH much this morning as was planned to be up early and out anyway. He has apologised and been upset about it. But literally had five minutes together. Looking back I think the worst thing is the shock. I’m in shock that he would tell me, I can’t decide if it is malicious or if it’s been drunkly Misinterpreted. I’m in shock that he could say that to someone as I know for a fact I couldn’t. I’m in shock as he genuinely has been the most solid, trustworthy person I have known for the last 9 years (nearly 6 together).

I haven’t spoken to my friend yet. Just want to clarify I’m not mad at her at all and completely fine with her speaking to my fiancé about issues (we are very close friendship group and I would do the same in opposite situation) I’m going to not make contact for a few days (normal for us) and see if anything comes out from her. Honestly I’m not sure if anything will be remembered by her as it was very alcohol fuelled party.

Does he fantasise about her or did he say it to make her feel better?

Agree with this - he is doing damage control before she tells you the real version. Talk to your friend about what she thinks happens and decide how you feel about it when you have both sides.

Personally I'd be thinking he would do this again and you'd be the last to know if it wasn't your friend he had tried it on with. Only you know if you can see past this or if it is likely the way he is and won't change.

First of all, he's being a dick telling you that. Second of all, he's such a sleaze for putting that on your friend. Imagine her having to listen to that. He's gross. Did he get some kind of sexual kick out of telling her that she's wank fodder? He's actually disgusting. Be prepared for her not to want to be around him again. I wouldn't.

Exactly.

I would say there's a strong possibility that he doesn't want to be married to you, and he's told you this so that you'll be the bad guy and break it off. And if you don't, soon enough he'll say something else so egregiously awful in the hopes that this time you'll let him go.

I have zero time for cheating fuckwits and I’m the first to call it out. But this honestly sounds like drunken rubbish.
Some of the reaching on here is insane? “He doesn’t want to be married to you?” Is a MASSIVE stretch.
When my BIL got divorced (wife ran off with a colleague) I told him not to worry, he was an attractive, decent, kind man and he’d be fine. He is indeed attractive and decent and kind, but I definitely don’t want to shag him. Agree idiot man went too far in this scenario but….he is a man? With drink onboard. For them, being fantasised about is the ultimate compliment.

He sounds weird.

That was my take too.

Let's face it there are a million things he could have said to make her feel better - 'I bet loads of blokes like you', 'anyone would be lucky to have you', 'I'm sure you'll meet someone soon' etc etc or even slightly dodgier things like 'I think you're gorgeous' or 'you look really hot tonight'. To go straight to 'I fantasise about you' is dodgy as fuck.

Could anyone ever imagine saying that to their OH's mates and thinking it was normal/acceptable?

You didn't tell your BIL that you fantasise about him though did you? Is it something you would have considered doing or something that would have come to mind? Why would you hold men to different standards?

I'm not saying she should leave him but this is nothing like you telling your BIL that he's attractive, kind man and would be fine.

I'm presuming you mean ex fiance?

No, absolutely not. And it’s not about “standards”. It’s about practicality, because I’m also not a man. Most of them have the emotional intelligence of an actual teaspoon, they work from a different side of the brain, the man in this scenario thought he did well! He absolutely was pleased with his reaction, to the point he told his partner, he thought he’d paid her friend a compliment! That is…a lot of men.
Ask the majority of men…..if someone said they were fantasising over you, would it be a compliment? They would say yes. Ask the majority of women? They would say no. Different ways of thinking with entirely different meanings.

What you said to your BiL is a totally different thing. You told him objectively he was attractive and pointed out his good character. You did not say, as OP's Fiancé did to her friend, that you had sexual fantasies about him.

What he said cannot be unsaid. It is bound to affect the friend as well as OP. That's why pp are questioning how OP can continue a relationship with a man who has told her friend he sexually desires her.

I don't understand why you are making excuses for a man , supposedly in a committed relationship, randomly telling another woman - who is also his partner's friend- that he sexually desires her. That is not how monogamous relationships are supposed to work.

Why is she confiding in him? Is she on the look out for validation, compliments and attention from her friends partners? I would dump her.

Now, moving on to your rotten fiancé, he’s a piece of work by telling her that he he fantasises about her! That is incredibly disrespectful to you.

I don’t think he is husband material and you should set him free to do his drooling over other women.

Most men visualise being with other women when with their partners, this wasnt me and it never has been. The opposite was true, its why i kept ending it.

He'd be dust. I'd be angry and embarrassed.

Are you sure you want to marry someone so stupid?