No sex life anymore due to DH’s STI

[Energy1992]

DH had a genital wart come up a year ago and got it removed. It’s come back 6 months ago and he hasn’t bothered getting it treated. We’ve had sex twice with a condom in 6 months and it felt rubbish. Almost every week I have to remind him to call the clinic and he doesn’t , makes excuses like he’s busy. I feel pathetic having to nag him to sort it. He hasn’t even bothered to buy a pack of condoms, he just isn’t bothered we’re not having sex. We argue constantly about it whenever I bring up. I can’t live like this anymore. Any advice??

Well he's a joy. Sounds like he isn't bothered about having sex with you either. Seriously bad advice, but I'd be tempted to look elsewhere.

So where did he pick up the genital warts?
Is he saying they have been dormant since before your relationship or has he had sex with other people during it?

It certainly sounds as though he doesn't want sex with you.

Have you talked with him about the future of your marriage because I think you certainly should be duscusing with each other as to whether there is a future.

I’ve no idea where he got it from, can’t imagine him cheating but you never know. We’ve been together 6 years married one year with a toddler and baby so life is hectic but both kids are brilliant sleepers so being tired can’t be an excuse.

You seem very blasé about this OP.

Most women would automatically assume if their partner of 6 years suddenly developed a manifestation of genital warts that he had been having sex with someone else. And they would be at least trying to find out why he has suddenly developed an STI.

Especially coupled with the fact he doesn't want sex with you.

That’s gross. Why are you so chill about it? 🥴

Sounds like he is getting it elsewhere - maybe somewhere that is already warty.
Have a discussion about why he isn't bothered about the lack of sex, has he completely checked out and is it time you agree to move on.

This.

I admit I don’t know much about warts so is it something like herpes that can lie dormant for years? All sounds very strange.

I’d prioritise your own health first - go to the GUM clinic for a check, ask if you need an HPV vaccine.

The NHS page on genital warts is quite good. Was his treatment painful? Did they tell him that they often go away without treatment?

But mostly I’d be trying to find time to talk less about warts and more about what’s going on between you, why he’s ok not having sex, all that.

Erm...
You seem very chill about the possibility he has cheated on you
And you are exposing yourself to warts even if he wears a condom, AND he can still have warts and be infectious if he has no symptoms. These are both on the NHS page for genital warts.
Surely the first two things you do when your partner tells you they have an STI is say 'how the fuck did that happen' and do basic research on it to make sure you have all the information you need on not contracting it yourself? Is there other stuff going on, OP?

This is incorrect, it can lie dormant for years before appearing. I've seen threads on here from women wrongly accused of cheating because warts have appeared after a long time, so it's not great to spread this misinformation. Obviously op you do need a serious conversation with him about what is going on though.

Genital warts are caused by certain strains of HPV which is a really common sti. I think stats of like 70-80 of people have it, but it’s doesn’t always manifest as warts.
I wonder if sometimes someone’s immune system isn’t great or they are under stress it can manifest like this. If you’ve had unprotected sex you’ve probably got it too, it might not have shown up at warts.

STI clinics will spray cryo on them, they can also sometimes just be removed by hand. Just still him to get an appt and have it sprayed. Also as it’s spread by skin to skin contact, condoms aren’t fully effective. Your skin still touches outside the area the condom covers. Safer sex not safe sex.

Human papillomavirus (HPV) is a common sexually transmitted infection. Almost all sexually active people will be infected at some point in their lives, usually without symptoms.
HPV can affect the skin, genital area and throat.
Condoms help prevent HPV but do not offer total protection because they do not cover all the genital skin.
HPV usually goes away on its own without treatment. Some HPV infections cause genital warts. Others can cause abnormal cells to develop, which go on to become cancer.

I think the bigger issue is why he doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. Has he always had a very low sex drive?

It is possible they lay dormant for years.

It's possible you passed them to him also.

This

He’s cheated on you.

Genital warts can cause cervical cancer.

The Gardasil vaccine doesn’t cover every strain of the virus.

Why are you so apathetic about this?

Is this a reverse?

I’m not sure a vaccine would be helpful if they’ve already been exposed. Once you have a virus it’s in your body, and even when the immune system conquers it remains there (correct me if I’m wrong on the science) This is surely why they brought in vaccines in recent years for school age kids. We never had that when younger. I’m not sure of OPs age.

What I said is not incorrect.

I'm aware it can lie dormant.

What I said was most women would " assume" their partner had been cheating, but the assumption of course may or may not be correct.

Incorrect. You don’t know that.

different strains of HPV cause cancer than cause genital warts as far as I know.

There’s still so much shame around stis and while I do understand some of the reasons for this, and our cultures approach to sex, the only way to be 100% safe is to never be sexually active.

Given the name of this site is mumsnet I’m guessing most of you have had unprotected sex.

OP, have you had the HPV vaccination? If not book it through Superdrug. Depending on your age you might need two doses.

As sex withdrawal isn't motivating perhaps refuse to wash his laundry until he gets it taken care of.

Surely it’s too late for the vaccination? These are two sexually active adults. Anyone who works in sexual health please correct me if I’m wrong.

Also this is such a common infection in sexually active adults they don’t even test you for it. It is only diagnosed on appearance of warts (which not all people get) or an abnormal smear in women.

Maybe he got it from a previous partner or you did. At the end of the day as the posters in the sti clinic say, you’re having sex with every person that person has slept with (condoms obviously help with risk) so are we to start shaming people for having multiple partners? Most people have or do sleep with more than one person in their lifetime.

I work in sexual health. Most of us have been exposed to HPV. I think the figure used to be 80% of all sexually active women have HPV (some of them being the lower risk strains that cause genital warts). Yes, he very well could have had them for decades. Totally normal for them to hang around for ages. It’s not like you just get one treated and boom, that’s you good. More will appear, sometimes after a long gap years and years later.

Sure, he could have acquired them recently if you think there has been infidelity, but more likely he got them a long time ago and has had one or two small ones over the years, but you never noticed, maybe he didn’t either. Condoms don’t prevent the spread though as the virus is on the skin, not in semen, so unless there is no skin to skin contact (impossible), it can still be spread even when using condoms.

The reality is that genital warts are so incredibly common that in a long relationship you learn to live with them rather than panic about using condoms all the time. They aren’t likely to go away. But you can absolutely set boundaries. You can say no sex unless they are treated (the treatment isn’t pleasant for some people, it’s a cream and can make you feel quite poorly). You can say no sex unless condoms if you want. You have to do what feels right to you. He can also say no I don’t want to do that, but you have to hold the boundary. Stop nagging about condoms. Stop reminding him about appointments. Let him take responsibility for himself.