No sex life anymore due to DH’s STI

[Energy1992]

DH had a genital wart come up a year ago and got it removed. It’s come back 6 months ago and he hasn’t bothered getting it treated. We’ve had sex twice with a condom in 6 months and it felt rubbish. Almost every week I have to remind him to call the clinic and he doesn’t , makes excuses like he’s busy. I feel pathetic having to nag him to sort it. He hasn’t even bothered to buy a pack of condoms, he just isn’t bothered we’re not having sex. We argue constantly about it whenever I bring up. I can’t live like this anymore. Any advice??

In the head and neck cancer clinic, adult partners of people with HPV related cancers used to be told there wasn’t much evidence available either way but they could have the vaccine if they would like to (this may have changed in recent years). It might be the same for warts - worth asking.

A genital wart doesn’t mean he’s cheated. He could easily have had the virus for years before he even met the OP without getting symptoms. It’s also possible the OP had the virus herself at some point and that he got it from her.

The strain of HPV that causes warts isn’t the same one that causes cancer.

The strains of HPV that cause visible warts are not the same strains that cause cancer. Almost all sexually active people will pick up genital warts at some point or another. They can lie in your system for years without a wart coming up. It doesn't mean he's cheated nor that she's at risk of cancer FFS.

Does anyone know out of interest when you have a smear and they tell you you were positive for HPV, what strain that is? Do they test for all of them or just some?

Im so glad knowledgeable people who have experience in sexual health have commented on this thread.
There is so much stigma around herpes and if people were more informed they would be shocked at just how common it is. A close friend of mine who has only had 3 partners in her life suddenly had an outbreak and was diagnosed a year ago.
Much worse than the physical symptoms she had to deal with was comments she hears in public about people with herpes being dirty, disgusting etc, much like "ew" upthread 🙄
She has been suicidal over an sti that many people have and dont even know they have it, please think before you continue the stigma around something people really cant help.
Sorry to rant but my friend is the most lovely and sexually careful person who always got tested and was just unlucky that one of the 3 people she had sex with passed this on to her. To hear her say she feels worthless and has considered taking her life because of an sti breaks my heart.

Yes they are different strains.
op I paid for a private hpv test after getting an irregular smear. I then pain privately for the hpv vaccine. The gynecologist giving treatment for enhanced cervical screening said that there was some evidence that the hpv vaccine could treat or fight existing infections which I found really interesting and she was really encouraging of me doing it for that reason

I’m sorry to hear about what your friend has gone through. Herpes is a completely different virus to HPV though. It is HSV - human simplex virus, there’s two types I believe one and 2. One is the cold sore virus and 2 the blisters you get on genital area. Again it can’t be cured but can go dormant or flare up.

Some carriers can be asymptomatic, the OP might be the carrier

Correct

Herpes isn't HPV

I’m not chill about it all, of course I accused him of cheating when he showed me it. I do understand these things can lay dormant as Ive had genital herpes since my 20’s , I’ve not got a clue who I got from, haven’t had an outbreak in years. It’s not so much the possibility of cheating, as we sort of moved past that. It’s more the fact hes dragging his heels to get it treated this time. Is it pure laziness or is he just not interested in sleeping with me? Surely he can’t be happy with a sexless marriage. I agree we should stop arguing over it and sit down and talk properly

It’s not so much the possibility of cheating, as we sort of moved past that.

Well that does sound pretty chill about him possibly having cheated.

It may be a sexless marriage, but he may be having sex elsewhere, somewhere not very fussy, and that's why he's not bothered.

Hi OP, I work in sexual health.

If it reassures you at all, I’ve treated patients who haven’t had sex with anyone for years and suddenly develop a wart. Usually they’ve been unwell with something else or stressed, run down etc.

The way I usually explain it to patients is that our immune systems are only really good at dealing with one thing at a time, so when something more serious comes along, it ‘forgets’ to suppress the wart-causing HPV (if the person is a carrier, of course) and a wart might appear on the skin. Doesn’t always mean anyone has cheated as it can often take quite a bit of time for one to show up, if it ever does! Most people are asymptomatic carriers of some strain of HPV at some point in their lives.

To clear up a misconception posted by someone upthread, genital warts categorically do not cause cervical cancer. The HPV strains that cause warts are different to those that can cause cancers. Genital warts, whilst they can be a bit unsightly or uncomfortable, are otherwise harmless.

You also wouldn’t qualify for an HPV vaccine via most GUM clinics as most guidelines suggest it isn’t worthwhile past a certain age as you’ve statistically more likely to have been exposed than not (I can’t directly quote current guidelines as I’ve been on maternity leave for months and they may well have changed in that time!)

Home treatments are available for your DP, can be prescribed in GUM but can take longer to work and you need to either not have sex, or be on reliable contraception (or if DP has had the snip) as the home treatments will cause condoms to perish and are harmful to a developing foetus if you were to fall pregnant.

Sorry for the bloody essay! You can PM if you need to 🙂

I would like to add something which is quite personal to the thread. I was in a relationship for 13 years with the same man, we had 2 children. I never cheated so for about 14 years I only had sex with one person. Before him I had unprotected sex once. Only after I left this partner did I develop genital warts. I hadn’t slept with anyone else post relationship at that point. The verdict was out in terms of whether I had been cheated on, the GP diagnosed them (how mortifying as I thought they were skin tags) and said that they can lay dormant for years and a low immune system could be to blame. The clinic I was referred to removed them and the woman that froze them said that it was more likely that my ex cheated. So who knows? I suppose what I am saying is that he hasn’t necessarily cheated but him not wanting to have sex with his wife and being happy with a wart on his penis is a bit if a red flag isn’t it?

A long time ago now but I got them and had them treated as soon as. Then out the blue a few years later in another relationship one singular one came up. Pretty awful time explaining to bf that I hadn’t been unfaithful. Had that one treated and thankfully it’s never come up again (thirty years later).

Maybe he feels shame over it and it’s killed his sex drive? Did you not feel any shame or grossness when you discovered your herpes?? Not saying you should, but I had chlamydia once and I really beat myself up about it for a little while and that’s easily curable! It was just the idea that I had no idea where or when I got it (no symptoms) and felt really ashamed. I don’t think I’d stay frozen like that for 6 months but maybe it’s easy for him to bury his head in the sand with 2 small children in the house to keep you busy.

Or maybe he thinks you gave it to him and now he has the ick.

Well, we had our chat and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. There’s my answer to why he’s not interested in sex I suppose. Waiting for the OW to make an appearance now I guess. He claims there definitely isn’t another woman, he’s just fallen out of love with me. Well there’s my answer, he’s an absolute arsehole and I’m having to keep a smile on my face while we do Halloween things with the kids and friends. I feel sick.

I’m so sorry to hear that OP.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s awful. 😞 Love to you. FWIW it sounds like you might be better off with him, he doesn’t sound like a good guy to act that way.

This is all a big challenge for you and I am wishing you well in finding a way forward.

I'm sorry, OP. That's shit. But, as you say, he's an arsehole, and when you've had time to get over the shock this can be the start of a new arsehole-free life for you. No one needs to dragged down by a pos like him.

Sorry OP. His loss and I’m 100% sure of that.

Sex with protection is rubbish you are right. I would say get married and encourage him to get tested every month.

@Energy1992 How are you doing?

Jesus what a knob. I’m sorry you’re going through this op. Very weird that he didn’t actually care about having a visible wart on his junk though. WTF.