Condoms in DH room.Im post menopausal

[Thevegetarianchef]

Condoms in DHS room and I'm post menopausal.
I came home from work an hour after DH.
Tidying up I put something in his room and there were two condom packets open on the floor.
On further investigation I find a box of condoms with 4 missing and lube under his bedside unit.
I calmly ask why he has them and he said you won't have sex with me!!.
I asked him if he had a posh wNK to which he said he used the condoms as he had a circumcision a couple of months ago and he is still sore down below this is true as he has to go to the GP a couple of weeks ago.
He got cream to use which hasn't worked.
Surely a condom can't stay on once and erection has passed in my experience.
No we haven't had sex in ages I just don't believe the condom for comfort story either.

I think affairs are so common. Extra marital sex in whatever form is just so much more common than we think. So I’d probably assume he has been with someone else, and I’d actually be ok with that in your circumstance. But if he could not leave condoms lying around that would be great.

Have you seen that he is circumcised? Assuming you know that this is true? Also, why has he suddenly had one if so? Seems an odd thing to decide to do in your later years...

A thought that occurred to me, it's possible if he is having an affair, he wants to get caught. As you say, it's not a great hiding place for the condoms...

Tbh it’s not beyond the realms of possibilities he’s just been wanking

tmi warning

his bellend will be super sensitive now it’s uncovered
and wanking with no forskin will definitely need ether lube of spit to stop friction burn
A condom with some lube in will definitely be more comfortable and pleasurable
if he doesn’t want to jizz flying everywhere now his no forskin to catch it he’ll wear a condom

having his cock operated on he’ll be keen . To check it’s in working order by wanking I presume there must of been issues to be circumcised in the first place place

if he was up to no good surely he wouldn’t just leave them lying about

I could not live in your set up op sorry.
No sex sleeping in different rooms.
You call him husband when your not married (or have i missed read that bit).
Maybe he has a wank now and then i can see why if he dose.
Post menopause is not the end not a sell by use by date expiry date.

I have to grit my teeth sometimes when alot of women blame prei-menopause post menopause, pms every period etc is the fault for what they do sorry its just bonkers.

Would you be bothered if he had brought someone back though?
He has told you hes obviously bothered you won't have sex with him and have took it off the table.
Why is he in a seperte bedroom?
That is a killer for just normal couple intamacy like talking, spending time reading in bed, snuggling, cuddling etc.
Lots of relationship glue happens in a shared bed apart from just sex.
Your relationship sounds on life support tbh OP.

I think you dont know the reality of many relationships as people get older.
DH and I married 37 years, sleep apart. He gets up several times a night for the loo (as do many men over 60) and it was waking me up.
Out of consideration, he sleeps in another room.
It doesn't mean people can't be intimate.

Have you missed the post where Op says he has had erectile dysfunction for 10 years?

Yes I agree somewhat if you both come to the same conclusion for seperate beds for a good night's sleep, I sometimes get up and go in the spare room when DH has had one too many and the snoring is horrendous!
But you really should then prioritise intamacy and connection in the rest of your day.
Otherwise you are in danger of straying into people who just happen to share a house.

Does he know you go into his room?

Surely if he was having an affair he’d hide the evidence better.

I'm a bit surprised at the posters who seem to be saying "Well if he isn't getting any from you what do you expect?"

The ED is a problem, separate beds can be a problem but grown-ass adults discuss things with each other. If both are ok with the setup then fine, if not then they find a way to work on it that both people are happy with or separate. Cheating is never the right answer no matter how deprived someone may feel.

I'm amazed that you know what every man on the planet will and will not do. You must really get around.

Sorry I don't think its lots....I'm 50, DH 62. Full sex life. And I know from my female friends we aren't a rarity.

Totally agree. DH health conditions mean we sleep apart 4 nights due to my work. Rest of time we prioritise being close.

We ve discussed several aspects in the last few years.
Also has sperate rooms half of our 40 yrs due to shift work,snoring other things.
I mention being post menopausal as not being able to get pregnant at 60 so not needing condoms unless I was trying to prevent sti s.

Cats know best yes we had a brilliant sex life until around 54 or 55.

What have you done about your complete loss of interest? Post menopausal here, 50, prioritised loss of libido because I love my DH and want a physical relationship with him. You mention he did have ED but not now. How has this just died off with no discussion?

Agree. Me ex DH had same procedure- he wanted to use them for intercourse for ages after.

rwalker thank you for this explanation.
It makes sense.

Then this is a shame.....can you rekindle the discussion?

@CelerySticker Im a bit surprised that the posters who seem to be saying "Well if he isnt getting any from you what do you expect"?.

Well that same advice is given to women a lot on mumsnet and the famous words LTB you cant live in a sexless marriage etc.
So whats the difference saying it about ops partner.

LTB is advice to leave the relationship, not to have an affair. If he isn't happy with the way things are, he can leave.

That is the difference.

Wow he's not even trying to hide it! I think you were giving him a bit of a get out clause asking if he had a posh w - that wasn't my first thought!

Our libidos go through different stages, it's no reason to cheat (if anything like that has been going on), you have a discussion and work together. Or even end it. No excuse to be deceitful and hurt someone you otherwise have a good relationship with. I think it's particularly sad for couples in long term relationships, share a lot of history together and willing to throw it all away for a quick relief.

For what it's worth I definitely don't think he has had another person in and cheated. He's more likely to be having the situation around the wank, couldn't be arsed to move the evidence or actually wanted OP to see it to kick-start the convo around the no sex in the relationship🤔
People who cheat do not leave their condom lying around.
Have THE conversation with him OP, I know it's a difficult situation but no sex in your fifties when you haven't both agreed is a recipe for disaster x

I did say we had a conversation.
He told me not to spoil the weekend which is typical for a person caught out and how he responds to all the serious conversations.
I have repeatedly explained lots of women lose desire due to hormones and other midlife upheavals in midlife life change of appearance,I've had a toxic job so a couple of new jobs the last 3 years.He knows this but I guess we had a great love life for decades so he didn't have to try too hard before.
If I'm honest I don't think he has the capacity to be able to process this.Personally I would be reluctant to sell our home and live somewhere else for the potential of some sex especially as he is 66.

Did you ever seek help for your loss of libido? not all women feel like you and there is a huge amount of help out there if you wanted it (and you still could at your age.) Blaming the menopause, your loss of 'looks' and your job is not being fair to him. Unless he was happy to have no sex life and it was agreed, you have opted out rather than trying to find a way of dealing with it when help is available.

Why was your H circumcised at his age? It's very unusual for a man of 66 to have that done. I have men in my family who are circumcised (and no, not for religious reasons.)

Has he told you why he needed the operation?

It's slightly odd that you say he's had erectile dysfunction for years and years yet the assumption is he's masturbating within a short time of the operation.

If he has ED he'd not be able to masturbate unless the ED was psychological and not physical.

This seems to case some doubt on his ED and whether he really had it or there were issues in your marriage where he didn't want sex.

Surely you can ask him why the condoms are there?