Share 50/50 contact with my ex husband of our 14 year old daughter but she is struggling

[Missthe1975]

Hi all,

Ive been divorced from my ex for 3 years. Always shared amicably our now 14 year old daughter 50/50 with a week on week off arrangement. A year ago my ex introduced his new gf to the family.

For context me and my ex are both 41 and the new gf is 28. Over the last few months her dad (she has always been daddy’s girl and very close with him) has become incredibly strict with our daughter during her time there. He’s gradually seem to prioritise the new gf and often swapped contact days last minute with me or just spends the week that my daughter is there, out with his gf going partying.

A few weekends ago they left her alone all evening which is ok as she able to look after herself but they staggered home at 5am drunk and woke her up etc. this has all come to a crescendo this week when I dropped my daughter off to be back at her dads. He wasn’t home and text her to say he’d be back in 4 hours and to make herself something for dinner in freezer. When he finally got home that night he shouted at her for leaving her things on the side and not load dishwasher etc then went to cook a dinner for him and his gf without our daughter. She text me to say she didn’t feel welcome in her own home anymore and she couldn’t take his behaviour much longer (my ex stayed in the marital home after divorce). I text her back to say try and just stay and chat with your dad, and explain your feelings. She didn’t want to so begged me to pick her up. I did and she’s now been with me since Monday and said she doesn’t want to live at dads half the time.

I text my ex husband the day after to explain she’s not happy and he said she’s being a typical teenager and avoiding jobs. He then text her independently of me to tell her that she’s a cheeky brat and that she’s not to do this ever again. I’m very concerned for my daughters well being because yday she skipped school. What’s my next steps? He knows she’s feeling sad and isn’t prepared to talk it out. Do I need a solicitor if I change contact arrangements to more like a 60/40 or 70/30 split? My daughter has told me that her dad has said the only reason he has her 50/50 is so that he doesn’t have to pay me CMS - he’s a hugely high earner and this has really upset me that he’s told her that.

if anyone can advise me on my next steps - I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad. But also want to protect her mental health too.

I would just have a chat with her and assure her she is old enough to decide when she wants to see her father, but you will support her whether she decides to live with him 100% or 0%. She is old enough to organise seeing him on her own, but offer to help facilitate this if she wants you to.
I'd not be chasing CMS just yet though..

Ok in that case do what your daughter wants. I only asked as with a court order you can't do things (and now my perimenopausal brain will not find the word i want)...do things on your own, it needs to be agreed.

Thank you I’ll have a chat and support her whatever her decision - and yes I’ll avoid CMS just yet as don’t want it to appear to him that money is my motive. She’s so unhappy and I feel guilty but I have to realise this is his fault. I don’t think he can see it, he’s punished her for being at mine this week when she was supposed to be with him by not buying her tickets for her school fireworks night so I ended up paying for it!

Unilaterally was the wording I was looking for! Blooming brain.

I agree CMS is not the first thing to do here. The first thing to do is to get the CAO in place so update the contact arrangements to something else. No custody is not going to happen so perhaps takk to DD about what would work for her? Or come up with some sort of plan. Then apply for a CAO to reflect this new arrangement and then CMS can flow from that.

Definitely don't make her go to her dad's, dad is a twat. 💐

Let her decide what she wants. And let her decide what message gets sent (from you)

The judge was clear when my son was 8 that he was old enough for his views to be respected when he refused to see his dad. By 14 she definitely is

However, make sure you also help her keep the door open to a relationship with him and be accepting if she changes her mind.

I personally would first of all make sure DD has someone to talk to outside of the family and that she is back attending school and socialising with her peers and doing things which make her feel good.
Dad has had his chance and needs to sit on the back burner for a bit while things settle. His behaviour is coercive and he is not listening to DD, so the response is not to mediate between them until he is going to listen reasonably. It’s not OP’s job to fix this either. It’s OP’s job to make sure DD is okay.

Spot on
end of !!

I agree of course DD is the focus and back to school.
But they have a 50 50 custody arrangement and so given this is no longer suitable for DD, getting this altered does need to be done otherwise this ex can make life quite difficult by insisting on his contact. Which is why I'm suggesting formally getting it changed.

This.

OP keep a note of what has happened, dates and times and conversations inlcuding the text mesaages. He absolutely shouldn’t have left your daughter and then woken her up coming on drunk, you are right to let her stay with you. Include reference to the chat about maintenance which is a wholly inappropriate thing to say to a child.
As she is 14 now she will have a big say in any court contact proceedings as to where she would live/how much contact.
hopedullt he won’t go down the legal route but if he does your solicitor should be able to scare him off. As advised above I would give it afew weeks before claiming cms.

There is no court order in place, though, so OP is under no legal obligation to facilitate.
it would be up to dad to raise a court order and he would have to go to mediation first. It’s fair enough to allow breathing space for things to settle. At least that was my learning from the legal process, you feel bumped into having to sort things asap but if there is no court order, sometimes it is better to let things sit for a while and see how they play out. That’s okay. OP is not withholding contact as DD is old enough to make her wishes known.
(edited to add: the court took my DC wishes into consideration when they were five, although I appreciate this may be unusual, the voice of the child is important).

I've been through this. Its clear your daughter is not happy with arrangement, and why should she be. I would do the following:

1. Have a chat with your daughter about where she wants to be in the immediate future. Is it all with you and a little bit with dad. Her care and welfare is the priority, not her dad's. Tell her you will support and be there for her whatever she wishes to do.
2. Advise dad and tell him, explain reasons why.
3. Set a time when you and daughter will discuss how the new arrangement is going. Say three months. This will give Dad time to think about his actions too.
4. Advise dad you have reviewed the situation with daughter and explain how things are going to be more long term now or otherwise.
5. If the care is with you, ask for a financial contribution. You can use the cms calculator to work out what you would be entitled too.
6. If no response then put a claim into CMS.

CMS can be paid up to 18. I don't think s court would argue with your daughters wishes at her age but I doubt it would get there.

YOU don’t have to make him realise anything. In fact you can’t. It’s up to him.

what you can do, is support and empower your daughter to make her own choices. If she doesn’t want to stay at his house she doesn’t have to. No court in the land is going to make her, even if he could be arsed taking it to court.

your posts give off a vibe that you’re still worried about upsetting him, the consequences etc. Have you had some therapy to help detach? You are NOT responsible for his behaviour or feelings. If he hates you, that’s on him not you. I think you need to work on yourself and supporting your daughter to be strong and independent. Read the “let them”
book by Mel Robbins to start with.