Share 50/50 contact with my ex husband of our 14 year old daughter but she is struggling

[Missthe1975]

Hi all,

Ive been divorced from my ex for 3 years. Always shared amicably our now 14 year old daughter 50/50 with a week on week off arrangement. A year ago my ex introduced his new gf to the family.

For context me and my ex are both 41 and the new gf is 28. Over the last few months her dad (she has always been daddy’s girl and very close with him) has become incredibly strict with our daughter during her time there. He’s gradually seem to prioritise the new gf and often swapped contact days last minute with me or just spends the week that my daughter is there, out with his gf going partying.

A few weekends ago they left her alone all evening which is ok as she able to look after herself but they staggered home at 5am drunk and woke her up etc. this has all come to a crescendo this week when I dropped my daughter off to be back at her dads. He wasn’t home and text her to say he’d be back in 4 hours and to make herself something for dinner in freezer. When he finally got home that night he shouted at her for leaving her things on the side and not load dishwasher etc then went to cook a dinner for him and his gf without our daughter. She text me to say she didn’t feel welcome in her own home anymore and she couldn’t take his behaviour much longer (my ex stayed in the marital home after divorce). I text her back to say try and just stay and chat with your dad, and explain your feelings. She didn’t want to so begged me to pick her up. I did and she’s now been with me since Monday and said she doesn’t want to live at dads half the time.

I text my ex husband the day after to explain she’s not happy and he said she’s being a typical teenager and avoiding jobs. He then text her independently of me to tell her that she’s a cheeky brat and that she’s not to do this ever again. I’m very concerned for my daughters well being because yday she skipped school. What’s my next steps? He knows she’s feeling sad and isn’t prepared to talk it out. Do I need a solicitor if I change contact arrangements to more like a 60/40 or 70/30 split? My daughter has told me that her dad has said the only reason he has her 50/50 is so that he doesn’t have to pay me CMS - he’s a hugely high earner and this has really upset me that he’s told her that.

if anyone can advise me on my next steps - I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad. But also want to protect her mental health too.

He told her he only has her 50::50 to avoid CMS?!? What an evil thing to say to your child.

whatever you decide op, I wouldn’t be giving a single % of thought to what this vile man thinks, as I’d 100% br only choosing what’s best for my dd.

When people say ‘it’s best to have a relationship with both parents’ they mean if the parent is decent. If not, it’s best to keep them far far away.

Sadly this will probably make him even more toxic and abusive towards her now he knows she doesn’t want to stay there. He’s abusive and you need to protect your daughter.

She can stay with you all the time from now on. He's blown it and luckily she can make her own mind up.

OP why are you so set on being reasonable? Reasonable to who?

And I say that with kindness that probably isn't coming across in writing, but I have had personal experience of putting being reasonable with an ex H to my own detriment and that of my DC. In retrospect, my being reasonable was code for not wanting to upset him because he was an emotionally abusive prick and I hadn't yet recovered from the marriage.

Going out for the evening and leaving her home alone is ok once in a while if, and only if, she's comfortable with it. Staying out till 5am is completely unacceptable and neglectful.

At 14 your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions about contact, assuming it's not already court ordered. Let her stay with you if that's what she wants, and just encourage her to see her Dad for lunch over the weekend or whatever she's comfortable with. He sounds like a right twat.

This isn’t your DD reacting to having rules or chores. How horrible it must feel to have your dad say that he only has you 50% of the time to avoid CMS and really make you feel unwanted and uncared for when you are there. The only discussion should be around how you support her. Tell her it’s okay to block her dad if he’s abusive or nasty. Tell the school what you have said here and explain her absence with it.

I think I’ll phone CMS and see what they suggest. I need to protect us both

You need to toughen up with him. As everyone else has said, your daughter has already told you she doesnt feel welcome there. Just tell him you're not sending her next time. She doesnt want to stay there 50% of the time. Youll be in touch. Then put in the cms claim and let your daughter decide how often she'd like to see him. You need to be on her side here. He has behaved really poorly towards her.

What an idiot this man is. He will regret it, but not in time for it to help your daughter. Support her OP. At 14, it’s her choice.

There's only one right response here, @Missthe1975 You reassure your daughter that she doesn't have to go stay at her dad's any more if she doesn't want to. She needs consistency and her dad isn't giving that to her.
It sounds as though he's having a mid-life crisis, going out til 5am?!
He clearly doesn't realise that she is very much grown up, but not quite, because teenager... but he can't go ordering her around and expecting her to fall into line.
Her decision where she lives, and she gets to choose if and when she would like to see him.
Glad you're going to speak with the CSA but I'd be putting that to one side as it sounds as though that's the only reason he went for 50/50.

The thing is - this week is the only time it’s tipped over to me having her more than 50/50. What do I say to CMS?

Is there already a court order in place re contact?

Your daughter doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to. He is making it very uncomfortable for her and she is struggling. I was 11 when I stopped going to my dad’s for similar reasons and, unfortunately, our relationship deteriorated (he died when I was 30).

He is treating her very unfairly. Don’t force her to go if she doesn’t want to. He sounds awful.

Why do you need to contact CMS right away? I thought you were concerned about court

Firstly, im sorry you and your child are going through this. Unfortunately its too common for men to switch priorities once there's a new relationship on the scene. At your child's age she has the right to choose and no judge would overrule that. My ex likes to "threaten" 50/50 anytime I say something he doesn't like (his job means this would never be workable and i suspect its financially motivated) but more importantly my child has made it clear they do not want this. We have a whatsapp group now so that all childcare arrangements are visible to her which means we both remain civil and factual. I always make it clear she can change her mind about where she sleeps on any given day. (I had a previous post about her being left home alone for 7 hrs an evening twice a week and the majority of opinion was that this was ok as long as she was ok with it).

There is no court order about contact

Personally I would sort out the access before calling child maintenance. As soon as he releases you have contacted child maintenance he will do whatever he can to have her 50:50

so what do you need to contact CMS for?

If there's no court order, then this is easy.

You tell your daughter that you will absolutely support her, whatever she chooses. If she wants a break from.stayimg at her dad's,then she can. If she wants to pick it up again later, then she can. Your job is to support her.

I wouldn't say much to him, just that she's decided to have a break from staying at his. You can put in the claimfor cms later when you're ready and you don't need to tell him beforehand.

If there's no court order, then this is easy.

You tell your daughter that you will absolutely support her, whatever she chooses. If she wants a break from.stayimg at her dad's,then she can. If she wants to pick it up again later, then she can. Your job is to support her.

I wouldn't say much to him, just that she's decided to have a break from staying at his. You can put in the claimfor cms later when you're ready and you don't need to tell him beforehand.

I think I'd bet down the new arrangement first before going straight to cms. It could look like that's your motive for encouraging her.

Same I was shocked op thinks leaving a 14 year old overnight is ok, it is not. Besides the point anyway if he feels she is old enough and intelligent enough to stay home alone at that age then he needs to see her as old enough to make a decision not to see him as much.

You need to talk to DD. Establish if she would prefer not to have overnights with dad at all or how often.

Then you make claim through CMS based on what DD wants to do. XH will be completely wasting his money if he tries to take it to court. They won’t order a 14/15 year old to stay at her dad’s overnight, especially given the circumstances.

This is a terrible shame he is acting like a child himself

I don’t think you can make him see sense - I think that you should be led by your daughter as she is old enough now to say where she would like to stay

I would wait exactly 4 weeks before contacting CMS otherwise you seem over keen