Share 50/50 contact with my ex husband of our 14 year old daughter but she is struggling

[Missthe1975]

Hi all,

Ive been divorced from my ex for 3 years. Always shared amicably our now 14 year old daughter 50/50 with a week on week off arrangement. A year ago my ex introduced his new gf to the family.

For context me and my ex are both 41 and the new gf is 28. Over the last few months her dad (she has always been daddy’s girl and very close with him) has become incredibly strict with our daughter during her time there. He’s gradually seem to prioritise the new gf and often swapped contact days last minute with me or just spends the week that my daughter is there, out with his gf going partying.

A few weekends ago they left her alone all evening which is ok as she able to look after herself but they staggered home at 5am drunk and woke her up etc. this has all come to a crescendo this week when I dropped my daughter off to be back at her dads. He wasn’t home and text her to say he’d be back in 4 hours and to make herself something for dinner in freezer. When he finally got home that night he shouted at her for leaving her things on the side and not load dishwasher etc then went to cook a dinner for him and his gf without our daughter. She text me to say she didn’t feel welcome in her own home anymore and she couldn’t take his behaviour much longer (my ex stayed in the marital home after divorce). I text her back to say try and just stay and chat with your dad, and explain your feelings. She didn’t want to so begged me to pick her up. I did and she’s now been with me since Monday and said she doesn’t want to live at dads half the time.

I text my ex husband the day after to explain she’s not happy and he said she’s being a typical teenager and avoiding jobs. He then text her independently of me to tell her that she’s a cheeky brat and that she’s not to do this ever again. I’m very concerned for my daughters well being because yday she skipped school. What’s my next steps? He knows she’s feeling sad and isn’t prepared to talk it out. Do I need a solicitor if I change contact arrangements to more like a 60/40 or 70/30 split? My daughter has told me that her dad has said the only reason he has her 50/50 is so that he doesn’t have to pay me CMS - he’s a hugely high earner and this has really upset me that he’s told her that.

if anyone can advise me on my next steps - I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her dad. But also want to protect her mental health too.

Tell him your daughter is old enough to make her own decisions and doesn’t want 50/50 contact any more. She will make her own arrangements to see him for coffee/lunch/whatever. Then put in a CMS claim.

I agree with @Zempy

What Zempy wrote.

Do not tell her any longer to try and appease her father. You should not try and appease him either; I guess you did a lot of that when you were together.
The man is a crap example of a father to her and she is within her rights not to have 50/50 contact.

Indeed seek legal advice and put in a CMS claim.

And I would also contact her schoolHead of Year/Pastoral care person re what is happening outside school because they may be able to give her some support too. Skipping school is not going to benefit her at all and it will affect her education and even her exam prospects.

You need to write out your message then reduce the number of words by 85%.

”Dd is now old enough to express her opinion and have it stick. She prefers to now stay with me for longer periods of time. She will be with you on x date and I will collect her on y date”.

Have prepared a response for whatever he sends back. Very few syllables and very noncommittal. “Noted” is good. And repeat.

And contact CMS. Don’t discuss this. Just do it.

She’s old enough that if he goes to court they’ll ask her what she thinks.

he sounds like he’s doing some shit parenting at the moment.

The absolute worst thing your dd can learn here is to try to please him in to liking her best again. And it would be standard for a 14 year old to do that. It sets her up to be desperate for male validation and make terrible decisions accordingly.
he is utterly failing her here.

let her make her own choice. But help her recognise it’s him that’s the shit, not her failing.

hopefully she’ll choose to be with you all the time, and you can put in a claim to CMS accordingly

I can't believe he left a 14yo home alone until 5am and you've just gone "Yep, that's fine" to be honest! DD was 16 before we even thought about leaving her home overnight.

I'd be telling him that if she doesn't want to see him, she doesn't have to see him, and that he's welcome to take you to court if he doesn't like it.

He won't, because it sounds like having her out of his life is what he actually wants now he's got the new girlfriend.

Exactly this. She’s old enough to decide. Make sure to put in a cms claim asap. If he wants to drag her through the courts it won’t end well.

How you behave here will teach your daughter a life lesson in relationships. If you or he forces her to return to the 50/50 situation then she’s learning her feelings can be overridden and don’t matter. It’s up to her now where and when she sees her dad so please don’t give him date ultimatums that she doesn’t want. She has been telling you for a while now that she’s not happy being there, please believe her. It will inconvenience you and your free time but that’s just being a parent. Talk to her and ask her what she wants and support her to communicate that to her dad, because she also needs to learn to speak up for herself but she needs to know she’s doing that safely.the outcome of this will have an impact on her future relationships. Give her a good model don’t make her feelings insignificant.

She isn't struggling. She is having a perfectly reasonable response to being treated like this by an adult who is supposed to prioritise and care for her. Not make her feel like an inconvenience.

If he thinks she is old enough to stay overnight by herself etc then he can't then argue she isn't old enough to decide to not stay with her dad.

Also, her having a good relationship with her dad is her dad's responsibility. Not yours.

100% agree.

I’d support your DD and not make her go there, if he takes it to court they’ll listen to her. And honestly I don’t think it’s ok to leave a 14 year old over night when she’s not happy with it, he’s being a prick

I would contact her school and ask if there is anyone she can talk to there, a counsellor or similar. An independent person reassuring her that her feelings are normal would be a good antidote to her father's gaslighting. Poor kid having to put up with his behaviour.

Sounds like a shitty dad. 28 year old gf? Leaving her home alone and staggering in drunk at 5am? Feels a bit like a safeguarding issue, as is not preparing her meals or food… getting a sense of emotional neglect too. Your poor daughter.

That's what I thought too. She's 14.

Also, if ex is a very high earner and you aren't, even on 50/50 you are likely owed maintenance anyway. This is the case with extreme discrepancies in income.

from 12 YO she can make her own decisions. It's so sad that he's being an idiot and you would hope he puts her first. I think if he isn't willing to talk about it then you have no other choice but to discuss reducing his access.

My ex wanted 50/50 split and court said no as it's too disruptive as they get older.

I hope you can find a solution. she should be focussing on school now not drama of adults. sending hugs.

Her views come first. He is failing her and she knows it. It must be so painful for her as a Daddy's girl.
You need to go with her wishes but avoid actually slagging him off, as he will claim in any possible court hearings that you have turned her against him.
She needs some solid loving ... it must be so hard to feel discarded in her dad's affections.

You don't need to go to court. It's up to her now.

agree completely. Leaving a 14 year old alone overnight so you can go out and get drunk is disgraceful.

Should I try and discuss with her first? Then tell him the outcome? I want to make sure it looks like I’m being reasonable and not going in all guns blazing. I was soo cross about the drunken night but I didn’t say anything to him about it being unacceptable which was probably foolish of me…

I think this might be one of those occasions where it’s ok to slag him off. Because if you don’t, you run the risk of a 14 yr old wondering what she’s done wrong, what did she do so wrong that her dad has chosen another female? And then she sets off on her own relationships, desperate to ‘win’. And leads to stuff like having affairs with married men, being blamed for having ‘daddy issues’ which is of course all the fault of the daddy himself who is behaving abhorrently selfishly, not her. Projection maybe, but it’s happened time and time again. I’m thinking that it might be ok to explain that he’s abhorrently selfishly and that’s why it’s happened and nothing to do with her whatsoever. I do wonder how often the ‘she poisoned her against me’ plee from rubbish fathers was of their own making.

Tale as old as time. Divorced bloke is a caring dad until a new shiny younger gf appears on scene and he suddenly forgets his parental duties and prioritises his dick over his kids.

Your DD is old enough to decide she doesn’t want to spend time with her dad and his new distraction.

Discuss what with her first? She’s already said what she wants hasn’t she? I wouldn’t worry about how you look to your ex, just focus on your DD and what will work for her, and that’s most likely just being allowed to take a break from her dads without it being a big deal. And you can’t stop him making it a big deal but you can control how you support her