Seeing too much of him is driving me insane. Am I being unfair?

[SittingOnIt]

H now works from home full time.

I don’t want to go into discussing the ins and outs but basically, I am a parent carer and juggle that sort of stuff whilst he’s working. It needs someone to be ‘present’ a lot so currently, I don’t work at all due to various appointments and commitments with DC that would mean you couldn’t take anywhere near that time of leave or unpaid leave. Works well for us. Has to happen. Money is fine.

The job he works gives amazing flexibility for being able to attend essential things for DC where 2 parent carers are needed. So looking for something else would be extremely difficult as the support around this job is essential.

Anyways, I feel I’m seeing too much of him. He is home 24/7. But walks the dog for 45 mins to an hour most evenings.

I feel like space is never my own, and there’s always the possibility he will call me at a moments notice over something trivial, or speak to me. Meaning he will either come down stairs and interrupt my ‘flow’ when I’m doing stuff, or I will go up to him and my thoughts and flow are interrupted if you see what I mean. Maybe it’s silly but that’s how I feel.

He won’t sit at the kitchen table (no real room for desk space but if we got a little one, he is saying he won’t use it).

What I find infuriating is the way he works. From his laptop all day. In a laying, reclined position. For some reason, this enrages me. I can’t really articulate way. He lays flat with his neck hunched to work from his laptop. Annoys me every time I see him to the point I feel a bit stabby! Lol

He never really leaves the house now. Just laying on the bed to work. And walking the door/popping to the corner shop 5 mins away every day or so.

I have encouraged him to see friends and go out. He has done so once or twice in about 4 months he’s been working from home. Maybe more. But I don’t think so.

He also eats his lunch in bed usually. He isn’t messy but it means the smell of food is then upstairs and I get really angry (inside my head), at the smell of food everywhere in the house. Annoys me. Like I’m never at peace

I am often out and about as explained in the beginning of the post. Meaning he will ask me to pop to x or y shop. Can’t really say no, can I? As I have time and I’m going that way. But it then means I can’t decide to pop somewhere else as he’s wondering where the bits he’s asked for are

He said he was going back to the gym (he went 4 times a week before, in his lunch break outside the office). Hasn’t happened. Keeps saying next week, next week. Of blaming me for not ordering what he wants for his new health kick in the weekly shop. But if I do ask, he says it’s the wrong time, asks me later. When confronted with this, backs down. But it’s exhausting

What can I do? What needs to happen? But ultimately, am I being odd for feeling like this? Do I have a problem?

It all just feels so suffocating. Like I’m always ‘on call’. That can be as simple as ‘coming up to say hello’ or being asked to quickly bring him something. Or him just coming down to fix lunch. Just irritates me 24/7 and I want to scream.

Another thing, he will often pop down or see me in passing and ask me questions about stuff. Mostly trivial or task stuff about ‘when are you going to do xyz/when are we going to do xyz’ and it drives me insane because it’s mental energy used and I want to be left alone.

Doesn't seem like he's actually doing anything wrong, you're just irritated by his presence?
Just go about your day, don't think about stuff that annoys you.
Would you prefer to get back in employment and arrange another carer for whoever the parent is that you're providing care for?

An adult living in their house as standard and asking about day to day plans etc. is all just normal life.
I think I'm missing something.

First step is easy. "DH can you eat your lunch downstairs please, the smell of food is lingering in the bedroom." That one should be non-negotiable. I'm amazed you haven't lost your rag over this one before now. If he persists, start flinging open the windows, spray air freshener around.
Second step pretty easy, but you'll need to master the technique. When he asks you to pick things up for him, say you can but you're not sure what your plans are, so he might not get them until much later, does he still want you to get them? Or you can just say no, sorry, you'll be too busy. You have to disabuse him of the notion that you've got nothing as important as his stuff to do.
(I've got a WFH DH, he had to be trained but he's much less aggravating than yours is.)
Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to list everything you are planning or hoping to do. Keep it vague, or you'll end up feeling you have to justify your entire schedule to him. You don't.

This is something I forgot to mention. He asks what my plans are, what I’m doing.

i don’t like listing it as x y and z because I will often end up doing x, y and z and something else on top. Then he will say why I can’t tell him! It’s just a question? But being asked annoys me.. however, not sure how reasonable I’m being because if we didn’t have DC and weekends were free, for example, I’d find it odd if my partner was annoyed at me asking their plans?

But yeah, another thing is I often go out to do one thing and end up taking x2 as long, often more! This seems to ‘subtly’ annoy him. And when confronted, he will swear he doesn’t have a problem. Or circle it back round to ‘why couldn’t I just say I was doing that?’

Feels like micro management if I’m honest. I’ve mentioned it to him before and there’s always some come back that I then can’t answer. Can’t remember off the top of my head

Eating lunch in bed is rank and should stop.

The rest of it, meh. If you’re out shopping you stay out as long as you want and he waits for the bits you’re picking up. If he comes down when you’re busy, carry on - he can see you’re busy so no need to stop! I agree with everything @NotbloodyGivingupYet said above. I would add some headphones and be listening to music, podcasts whatever so it’s clear you’re not available for chatting.

The overarching vibe I get from this is he’s not really focusing on his work with all his breaks to interrupt you, and whatever sort of job can be done laying flat on the bed with the laptop on his chest?!

You probably are missing something. I've got one of these at home. They just start talking at you when you go past them in the middle of doing something, and just assume that you can stop whatever you are doing to stand in the doorway while they witter on at you about nothing. (While you are holding a soggy over-full bin bag that you trying to get out the door, or an armful of washing or whatever). It really takes practice to master the art of continuing on your way while not pissing them off for being rude. They think you aren't doing anything, because they don't "see" what you are doing. Probably because it's unpaid.

I’ve tried doing this. I love a podcast but he will often come down and I have to pause the podcast (infuriatingly) as I can’t listen to him speak and listen to my podcast

He will be all sweet as pie so I come across as a rude arse if I am stand offish

I want to make clear that he’s never been an issue before working from home. And the where are you going questions are not rooted in jealously or suspicion. There’s no hint of that type of thing and he’s never displayed it

But it does feel suffocating

I would be devastated if my husband was so incensed by my presence, and kept adding another thing and another thing that angered him, when it's just me existing.
Has contempt set in, OP?

I would feel exactly like you do OP. Is it not possible for him to work in the office anymore? I would honestly sit down and have a family meeting and say you would prefer him to work in the office at least 3 days a week.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I think you just have the ick.

Being with each other 24/7 is not good for any relationship! It’s almost like you’re working together. Just say that you need a few days alone time a week to decompress and you love him but you’re just in each others pockets too much with this new 100% WFH schedule. Either that or rearrange your life and get a job where you have to go into the office! I think there is a statistic about the peak time of divorces in Japan being once men retire and are suddenly at home driving their wives mad 😆

But you’re not ‘training him’ as @NotbloodyGivingupYet described it well! You’re stopping what you’re doing so he carries on. Don’t turn it off and he’ll get the message.

Being together 24/7 isn’t good for any relationship. Little things are bound to get annoying.

It doesn't sound like you like him very much, OP, have you had a genuine think about whether you want to be married to him any more?

It does sound as though it could be the ick.

But working lying down in bed and eating lunch in bed would give anyone the ick.

Agree lunch in bedroom needs to be stopped. Can that be a firm rule and could you suggest something like 2 days a week you aim to have lunch together (downstairs at the table, or go for a walk together at lunchtime or to a local cafe).
Have you tried setting boundaries with him - saying between 10am and 12pm is when I usually do x and y in the house while listening to a podcast so if you can let me get on with that, we can nip out for some lunch and have a chat then. On Thursday afternoons I tend to pop to a and b places, but I might call in at the gym or get held up at the pharmacy or meet c for a coffee so I can pick this up for you, but you won't definitely have it back by 3pm.

If he is constantly wanting chat, to say hi, to check in about your plans he is probably missing his previous level of interactions he got from colleagues.

Other thing I would add is that my workplace would not permit working from a bed - they have an obligation to ensure staff are following HSE guidelines and have suitable equipment. If no room at kitchen table (also not really suitable) could you have an office pod in the garden?

Oh and definitely shut the bedroom door, see if you can pretend he's not there...

I totally get it, that would drive me mad. I think you have to have the conversation that it's too much and you need your own space/time outside his scrutiny. Working lying down with a laptop is ridiculous, as is eating in bed. Its slovenly.

I'm with you OP. My DH generally works from home but at a desk in a garden office (I don't work due to serious disability). I rarely see him during the day but just knowing he's out there and can pop in whenever stops complete relaxation! Some occasions he works away from home but things can get cancelled/changed last minute and he'll come home, expecting me to drop whatever I'm doing and sort him food or similar. I leave him to it, which he doesn't like but state that I'm not there to fit round him and plans changing....
As others have said, you need to train your DH to let you get on with your work and he does his. Sounds like he needs to set up a proper 'work station ' (so many brilliant ideas on line to turn even the smallist space into an office). Or possibly hiring a work space out of the house. Lounging around in bed with his laptop isn't good for posture etc and doesn't sound very professional. Eating in bed is horrible - that's when he could spend some time with you, if it works for you both.
Just be vague about what you are doing..... just get a stock answer such as whatever needs doing dear....... can you get some wireless headphones to listen to your podcasts on, so he can't interrupt you so easily. Drives me mad when my DH interrupts me!!
If your DH wants you to get things etc, then he needs to discuss beginning/end of day with you and make notes during the day if he thinks of things.

You have my sympathy, that would drive me mad. Out of interest, what does he do that can be done lying down on a laptop? I wfh and need 3 screens and a proper desk

Manages portfolios. Some phone calls but can go days without having to make one etc

Sounds like you’re only with him for financial support. Me and my partner both work from home and I love him being in the house with me.

These comments are ridiculous. This man is funding this woman’s lifestyle, she’s not working yet she has the nerve to resent him even being around. She obviously doesn’t have young kids at home or she’d have said that and so apparently can’t work even part time because of “appointments”? She wouldn’t be able to afford to live if it wasn’t for him yet is annoyed he’s in the house he pays for.

If you’re going to be this critical, at least read the OP:

basically, I am a parent carer and juggle that sort of stuff whilst he’s working. It needs someone to be ‘present’ a lot so currently, I don’t work at all due to various appointments and commitments with DC that would mean you couldn’t take anywhere near that time of leave or unpaid leave. Works well for us. Has to happen. Money is fine.

I agree about the ick but I think anyone would get that seeing their DH working at home all day lying with laptop on chest and eating food in bed! It's just NOT SEXY.

My DH works from home but is in the attic I would HATE it if I had to walk past him all day while doing house jobs while he's working... there's just something about them sitting on their arse all day while you are being 'the maid'.

Partners working from home together just is not a healthy for relationships and in my opinion is just a breeding ground for 'the ick'

Explain it to him. 'I'm very sorry, it's not personal, I'm just used to having my head to myself during the day and I'm finding it hard to adjust to you being here all the time. Can we maybe agree to have a coffee break together at 11 and we'll talk then?' sort of thing.

I get it, DH and I worked in the same office for 10 years before covid, and have worked from home together since. It takes work to get it right.

Can he work from someone else? Might be worth paying the money for a fancy gym subscription somewhere with a work area?

Yes she’s making it clear here the child is school age and not at home and she’s taking time off for “appointments”. It’s very easy to work part time and book appointments around work 🙄 You’re the one who hasn’t read it properly. If she was at home with her child she’d have said that, not that she doesn’t work because she might not have enough annual leave for a doctors appointment.