Seeing too much of him is driving me insane. Am I being unfair?

[SittingOnIt]

H now works from home full time.

I don’t want to go into discussing the ins and outs but basically, I am a parent carer and juggle that sort of stuff whilst he’s working. It needs someone to be ‘present’ a lot so currently, I don’t work at all due to various appointments and commitments with DC that would mean you couldn’t take anywhere near that time of leave or unpaid leave. Works well for us. Has to happen. Money is fine.

The job he works gives amazing flexibility for being able to attend essential things for DC where 2 parent carers are needed. So looking for something else would be extremely difficult as the support around this job is essential.

Anyways, I feel I’m seeing too much of him. He is home 24/7. But walks the dog for 45 mins to an hour most evenings.

I feel like space is never my own, and there’s always the possibility he will call me at a moments notice over something trivial, or speak to me. Meaning he will either come down stairs and interrupt my ‘flow’ when I’m doing stuff, or I will go up to him and my thoughts and flow are interrupted if you see what I mean. Maybe it’s silly but that’s how I feel.

He won’t sit at the kitchen table (no real room for desk space but if we got a little one, he is saying he won’t use it).

What I find infuriating is the way he works. From his laptop all day. In a laying, reclined position. For some reason, this enrages me. I can’t really articulate way. He lays flat with his neck hunched to work from his laptop. Annoys me every time I see him to the point I feel a bit stabby! Lol

He never really leaves the house now. Just laying on the bed to work. And walking the door/popping to the corner shop 5 mins away every day or so.

I have encouraged him to see friends and go out. He has done so once or twice in about 4 months he’s been working from home. Maybe more. But I don’t think so.

He also eats his lunch in bed usually. He isn’t messy but it means the smell of food is then upstairs and I get really angry (inside my head), at the smell of food everywhere in the house. Annoys me. Like I’m never at peace

I am often out and about as explained in the beginning of the post. Meaning he will ask me to pop to x or y shop. Can’t really say no, can I? As I have time and I’m going that way. But it then means I can’t decide to pop somewhere else as he’s wondering where the bits he’s asked for are

He said he was going back to the gym (he went 4 times a week before, in his lunch break outside the office). Hasn’t happened. Keeps saying next week, next week. Of blaming me for not ordering what he wants for his new health kick in the weekly shop. But if I do ask, he says it’s the wrong time, asks me later. When confronted with this, backs down. But it’s exhausting

What can I do? What needs to happen? But ultimately, am I being odd for feeling like this? Do I have a problem?

It all just feels so suffocating. Like I’m always ‘on call’. That can be as simple as ‘coming up to say hello’ or being asked to quickly bring him something. Or him just coming down to fix lunch. Just irritates me 24/7 and I want to scream.

I didn’t work when the kids were small. This meant that I’ve got used to being in the house on my own. Now I work from home and dh works from home. It drives me mad.

he’ll take a break and want a chat but I’ll be right in the middle of something and the distraction will drive me mad. I have silence when I’m in on my own but the noise of other people being in the house is enough to send me loopy

no answers for you but lots of empathy.

He also eats his lunch in bed usually.

Gross. That would put me right off sex....

Its in the op...
'various appointments and commitments with DC that would mean you couldn’t take anywhere near that time of leave or unpaid leave.'
What do you think happens if you have a child who has a medical incident at school and needs to leave immediately frequently? How exactly is someone meant to manage that? Not sure you can ask a child to only have seizures etc only outside your part time work hours. 'Enough annual leave for a doctors appointment' implies you think she's fussing over a GP appointment every couple of months... she's a carer, her child could have appointments every week, with specialist who only work certain days, for care that they cant wait for....

I'm wondering how much of your post is just wanting space and habit issues (like eating in bed), and how much of it is you not actually liking your husband anymore.

Rather than welcoming his interests and attempts at connection or communication, you see them as irritants.

I feel like space is never my own

Thats because it isn’t, your home is a shared space I’m afraid and he has just as much right to be there as you do. He doesn’t seen to object to your presence in the same way?

But you can negotiate and hopefully agree over how you share that space. Talk to him, prepare to compromise, be honest rather than passive aggressive.

i do sympathise - like a pp I was sahm for 10 years while DH worked ft. Now I’m ft out of the house and he’s pt 🤦‍♀️ I miss having my own space and time home alone so much! But fair’s fair, it’s his turn.

I second that you need to question whether contempt has set in.

I'd be absolutely gutted if my husband felt this way about me. You've basically got the ick. Everything he does irritates you, you're a week or so away from being pissed off every time he breathes.

Your home isn't your own, it's shared. He has just as much right to be there. I can understand needing a settling in period - and even perhaps a bit of sadness- over the change to him being at home, when you're used to having a lot of time to yourself, but you should be well over that by now.

It's time to evaluate if this is the life that you want. Is it possible that you're with him because it makes financial and practical sense, rather than because you still love him?

My husbands presence never annoys me but the lying down thing would drive me insane. He’s going to be a humpback soon if he doesn’t stop…. It’s horrific for his posture. And lack of movement will mean his health has tanked.

Id just tell him that nothing has ever made him less sexy than working from your bed all day. And that its giving you the ick.

I don't think the man would be really impressed at being told he is not sexy for financially supporting several people.
If a woman posted saying her husband told her he didn't find her employment sexually appealing there would be an uproar!

I don’t think anyone would be up in arms if a husband said his able-bodied was wife lying down for 8 hours a day while working… making money doesn’t mean you get to be a giant slob all day.

Men often / sometimes see women’s critiques of this kind as nagging. If she tells him it’s affecting something he cares about - his sex appeal to her / her desire for him - then he’s more likely to take it on board.

Why can’t he lie down when he works? He’s literally funding her lifestyle to stay at home all day. What’s she doing all day? Light housework?

If a man came on this site whining about how annoying it was his wife was at home all day and she was financially supporting him you’d be ripping him to shreds.

You don’t know me to say what I’d be saying. And while hes funding her she is allowing him to work for money because she is taking care of their child with additional needs and all of their appointments and days off etc. she’s hardly lunching with her pals.

Anyway, you ask what is wrong with him lying down to work? Many things, mostly that it will shorten his life span and it weakens muscles and bones, increases the risk of blood clots, and can lead to both physical and mental health problems, such as depression, heart disease, and diabetes. Over time, it can also cause chronic pain and bad posture which affects your ability to walk.

So please feel free to think it’s fine for your spouse to shorten, limit and worsen their life because they’re lazy but I don’t think that’s OK. At all. It’s gross and pathetic and is likely to make both of their lives shitter as he ages.

It seems like you don't like OPs husband as much as she doesn't like him! 'gross and pathetic'?

OP, it would drive me nuts too. But you have to take control. Explain what your issues are, be less specific as to where you are going and when you'll be back, assuming childcare isn't an issue ( eg you can't expect working DH to be available for school run if it hasn't been pre-arranged). So you could say, "I'm going shopping and have a few other bits and pieces to do, might drop in at Mary's on the way home, I'll be back back 3:45 latest in time for little Johnny's arrival home."
I have 2 sons who have worked from (my) home... one is at a desk in his room with several screens, puts a DND notice on his closed door when he's in meetings, and is very strict about interruptions. The other worked at least 50% of the time from bed, and was much more casual about the whole thing, although he had a very lucrative job in IT. I gather most of his team refused to go back to the office after Covid as none of them liked getting up out of bed.
The problem for you OP, is that it's your bed he's lolling around and eating in.
Just tell him you need more boundaries between work and home, that you don't want him to eat in your bed , and you'd prefer it if he would have a designated workspace. If he is disturbing you getting on with your day, be less available, not more. Tell him you'll have lunch together on the days when you're home at an agreed time, and stick to it, so you don't feel randomly interrupted. Have a schedule that you roughly adhere to so he gets to know that you won't be giving him attention between 10-12 because that's when you do x. Have somewhere to be to mark the end of lunchtime. Work out what you need to switch off, and tell him.

My H has been WFH since 2019 and has become a recluse. I'm in the process of divorcing him. It has become utterly suffocating, and my home is no longer a sanctuary for me. There are obviously other problems for us beyond wfh.

OP if you want your marriage to survive this i would recommend getting some couples counselling to discuss boundaries, working practices, and communication sooner rather than later.

Hard disagree
I love DH dearly but also need time and space for myself
It's not a crime
This DH sounds incedibly irritating, lying down like a tèenager to work, smelly food in the bedroom, constantly interrupting, asking for things to be bought and then asking Op what's she's doing and getting antsy when she's doesnt return when he thinks she should.

he is constantly wanting chat, to say hi, to check in about your plans he is probably missing his previous level of interactions he got from colleagues
I do agree with this comment but it's not fair on the Op
It sounds like he sees her as a way of entertaining himself, and flexing his previous work muscle/ authority which he is missing out on Op
He is VVU
Firn words would be had Im afraid !

Aside from the lunch thing which is inconsiderate of him and should be addressed, the rest of it sounds like you absolutely hate him. If that's the case, it's only fair you tell him or leave him, so he doesn't have to fund the lifestyle of someone who clearly despises him

"fund the lifestyle" of the full time carer of HIS disabled child?!

It’s almost as if you’re working together. DH and I worked together once, doing totally different tasks, in our own business. It lasted about 3 days before we looked at each other and both said this isn’t working. Since then, he works in the business, I’ve been a SAHM and then made a career in a totally different field. We love the socks off each other, and have done for the last 41 years, but we cannot both be getting on with our shit whilst we’re in the same vicinity. Even now we very rarely text or message during the day.
At the very least, he must carve out a workspace and go to it. You can share a tea break at 10.30 if both around but then he returns to his work and you return to yours. This merging of his lives isn’t great for anyone - you, the dc, or his own mental health in the long run. There are several different aspects of his life - employee, dad, husband, hobby-ist (the gym) and he should try to separate these off.
And it’s hard to see the bed as a place for intimacy, sex and love when the crumbs of his cheese and pickle sandwich are all over it.
So I’d start a discussion about your concerns about the long term effects of this in him, in family life, on the marriage itself.
shed in the garden and good thermals, methinks.

Have you told him any of this? Asked for space and time to yourself? Asked him to eat downstairs or occasionally go work in a cafe? As it doesn’t sound like you have.

@SittingOnIt I missed your reply earlier about him asking about your plans. I had a feeling he'd be doing this, my DH is always asking me. It used to really (unreasonably) infuriate me. Like you, it made me feel like he was trying to manage me. I even talked it over with a friend whose husband does exactly the same. We concluded that in fact they are just trying to show an interest, start a conversation. I now am quite happy to say that I've got several things I want to do but I'm not sure what I'll do when. I usually say if I've got a dentist appointment or fitness class that day. He doesn't need a full daily timetable.
He's happy with that, he's done his bit by asking, and he doesn't really remember what I tell him anyway!
You could try "not sure yet, why do you want to know?" Just to see how he responds. If he gets arsey with you then he probably does think he's got the right to manage you.
I think it's important to push back without losing your temper. Let him know you find it funny and faintly ridiculous that he's trying to organise you when you've managed to organise yourself perfectly well for all this time without his input.

He does sound very irritating. I would go upstairs or wherever he is and say I’m listening to a podcast while I get stuff done, if you have something to ask me could you wait until <1.5h> from now as it’s really annoying being interrupted. Write it down if you’re worried you will forget.

the trick here is to ignore his subtle grumping. Do what you want and walk right over his emotional reaction. ‘I’m going to the shops to get x y z then I’ll probably think of something else to do, so I won’t be back until later. If you need your thing earlier you should go, do you good to get out of the house.’ And if he doesn’t go, say shame you didn’t take the opportunity for a walk, you should tomorrow.

How can he work from bed???

I agree with other posters who say it sounds like you've got the ick. Hard to get over that op. my ex didn't wfh but I found I'd become irritated by his presence in the evenings when he was home from work and I much preferred my time alone and away from him.
It was the beginning of the end and we are no longer together.

OP is a parent carer.
What do you think that is?
Parent carer.
Think really hard.

And? The kid is at school and not at home during the day so she school is CARING for the child. Think really har. She’s not CARING for him whilst they’re at school. Half the people I know have kids with some kind of diagnosis and they still work part time atleast. She said HERSELF she doesn’t work because she doesn’t want to use annual leave for doctors appointments and not because she’s caring for a child!