Seeing too much of him is driving me insane. Am I being unfair?

[SittingOnIt]

H now works from home full time.

I don’t want to go into discussing the ins and outs but basically, I am a parent carer and juggle that sort of stuff whilst he’s working. It needs someone to be ‘present’ a lot so currently, I don’t work at all due to various appointments and commitments with DC that would mean you couldn’t take anywhere near that time of leave or unpaid leave. Works well for us. Has to happen. Money is fine.

The job he works gives amazing flexibility for being able to attend essential things for DC where 2 parent carers are needed. So looking for something else would be extremely difficult as the support around this job is essential.

Anyways, I feel I’m seeing too much of him. He is home 24/7. But walks the dog for 45 mins to an hour most evenings.

I feel like space is never my own, and there’s always the possibility he will call me at a moments notice over something trivial, or speak to me. Meaning he will either come down stairs and interrupt my ‘flow’ when I’m doing stuff, or I will go up to him and my thoughts and flow are interrupted if you see what I mean. Maybe it’s silly but that’s how I feel.

He won’t sit at the kitchen table (no real room for desk space but if we got a little one, he is saying he won’t use it).

What I find infuriating is the way he works. From his laptop all day. In a laying, reclined position. For some reason, this enrages me. I can’t really articulate way. He lays flat with his neck hunched to work from his laptop. Annoys me every time I see him to the point I feel a bit stabby! Lol

He never really leaves the house now. Just laying on the bed to work. And walking the door/popping to the corner shop 5 mins away every day or so.

I have encouraged him to see friends and go out. He has done so once or twice in about 4 months he’s been working from home. Maybe more. But I don’t think so.

He also eats his lunch in bed usually. He isn’t messy but it means the smell of food is then upstairs and I get really angry (inside my head), at the smell of food everywhere in the house. Annoys me. Like I’m never at peace

I am often out and about as explained in the beginning of the post. Meaning he will ask me to pop to x or y shop. Can’t really say no, can I? As I have time and I’m going that way. But it then means I can’t decide to pop somewhere else as he’s wondering where the bits he’s asked for are

He said he was going back to the gym (he went 4 times a week before, in his lunch break outside the office). Hasn’t happened. Keeps saying next week, next week. Of blaming me for not ordering what he wants for his new health kick in the weekly shop. But if I do ask, he says it’s the wrong time, asks me later. When confronted with this, backs down. But it’s exhausting

What can I do? What needs to happen? But ultimately, am I being odd for feeling like this? Do I have a problem?

It all just feels so suffocating. Like I’m always ‘on call’. That can be as simple as ‘coming up to say hello’ or being asked to quickly bring him something. Or him just coming down to fix lunch. Just irritates me 24/7 and I want to scream.

The kid isn’t home during the day. So she’s not “caring” for a disabled child during the day the school is.

I get it, OP, my husband retired 16 months ago, and it's been, and continues to be, a huge learning curve.

That would drive me absolutely fucking insane (and I’m a parent-carer who’s hanging on to working part time by the skin of her teeth).
I’d have to have a serious conversation with him about whether he can go back to the office for part of the week. Or failing that, do his lolling around in a co-working space.

And @MissKitty0 you clearly have no idea what it’s like to be the carer of a child with complex needs. You can’t take on outside responsibilities because you never know when you’re going to need to drop everything and do something for your child.

Totally not unreasonable to request no eating upstairs and especially in your shared bedroom/bed.

And ew, watching someone just work reclining all day and not get any proper exercise or fresh air would give me a second hand yucky feeling too.

Ideally you'd be in a place where you can speak honestly to him about how the current arrangement is not good for your relationship.

I bet it's putting you off sex.

Same! I wfh full time and hope DH doesn’t despise me for being around!

You need a come to jesus conversation OP.

You need time away from the house away from all of your caring responsibilities.

HE needs to stop being a lazy fucker and have his dinner away from his desk. It would enrage me to have someone basically living in the bedroom. Life can be simpler when they go to work and you can get a routine.

I can imagine it's very easy to despise someone who lies in/on the bed all day and even eats it in. I don't think I could bear ti sleep in that bed.
Is there at least somewhere else you can sleep OP?
I'd also just spend longer out of the house, regardless of whatever errands you are running for him. If he asks why, there's no reason not to be clear - that you need some space and you're not getting enough of it with him constantly checking in, so you've decided to spend time elsewhere, eg. the library, the park, etc.

I think you can tell who's a carer of a disabled child just going on this thread alone like...

SAHM here, he wfh full time. Absolutely not lying on the bed though that’s quite extreme , or eating in it. Study set up but yes it can feel a bit annoying never, ever being in the house on my own. He does ask what I’m doing but in a making conversation way. We’ve got used to it but yes absence sometimes does make the heart grow fonder!!!a bit of mystery would be nice or having him come in from working outside the home so we have something to talk about!

It is micro management. He is behaving like you are an employee and he is your manager and expects to know everything you are doing, so that he can redirect you into doing something for him as and when he wants.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

How much would he have to pay someone else to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, other housework and look after a dc who needs considerable support with medical appointments if the OP wasn't there?

He might bring cash into the equation but the OP's contribution is of equal value.

I think what would get me worked up the most is the ‘oh, while you’re out’ requests while he seems to barely leave the house himself.

Hello friend! It’s even harder isn’t it when they’re NOT wfh but are fully- retired.

We’ve worked it out over the years and one solution was to do a Virginia Woolf and have “ A Room of One’s Own” . I hope you have

Nailed it. My DH was a senior manager at work and when he retired, he acted like he was still senior manager! It took a lot of time, effort and a few sharp discussions to train him out of it… 😀

It’s really, really unsexy and unhealthy to see your OH lolling in your shared bed working - not at a desk or table but lolling. I air the bed and bedroom each day so when does that happen? And eating food - in bed? - is even worse

Do you loll in the bed with your laptop and also eat lunch on the bed and bark directives to your DH to get this and that?

I think the only unreasonable thing is food in bed / bedroom. I’d be clear that it’s not ok. All food in kitchen etc Is he working in bed? Is there another place to work?

I hear you op. My dh has shortened his working week, to four days and will be down to 3 after Christmas and wants to be retired by June 27

I never fully appreciated what a force of nature he is, because he was always working very long hours. I also assumed he’d die in saddle. He just doesn’t seem the retiring sort. He’s was quite high energy on holidays, and always had to be going somewhere and doing something every weekend but tbh that was great with the dc and really fun. In small doses.

But I’m going a little mad on the days he’s home. There’s always something he has to talk about right now, plans change on a whim, and he has an opinion about everything, and thinks my time is his to organise. He doesn’t seem to know how to move through the world except as the person in charge. I can’t seem to finish a thought. It’s just overwhelming.

I’m thinking of going back to work in Jan on the days that he’s off but I don’t think that will fly either.

I think it's not very healthy to be under the same roof 24/7 and it's always nicer to see your partner after a few hours apart with anecdotes to actually share. I speak from experience and my DH now uses a workspace nearby once a week to give me the house to myself. It's improved our relationship a lot.

Home office in the garden if it’s affordable? In your position I would be taking up more hobbies during the day. I would also stop popping to the shop for him he really does need to go out more often being at home 24/7 isn’t great for his social skills I expect. Definitely needs to eat downstairs.

Hello! The adjustment is definitely a work in progress, but I'm making progress. There isn't an easy answer to the space question. I have areas set up in different areas of the house, though I rarely shut myself away as we have a disabled daughter.

I'm a night owl, so I do get some space that way. I'm both thrilled that he doesn't have to work anymore, because he earned it, and really missing how much more relaxing the days felt then.