Internet dating dilemma

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Im 53, out of a long term relationship a few years ago, recently started internet dating.. ive met 2 men at the same time who are both lovely and we are potentially compatible (in different ways).. ive had 2 dates with each of them. i feel like i now need to only go ahead with one of them. I dont find either of them very attractive but it feels so unlikely that id meet someone lovely AND compatible AND attractive, that i feel it would be silly to wait around for that, and maybe attraction can grow if everything else is "right". It feels like a dilemma now as to how to choose between them! A nice position to be in i guess (especially as this comes after a rejection, then a ghosting with the 1st two men i dated through IND!)

I feel like if you were looking to have children and a family then you'd persevere with the nice guy as sparks inevitably fade and sex life ruined after kids anyway... 😅😅😅
But at this stage of your life, you're entitled to want a bit of an eye candy as well. I'd just tell them you're not feeling the spark and better suited as friends if they (and you) would like to stay in touch. Why would you need to compromise now? Presumably you have your own home and independence, surely a man now is just the cherry on the icing?

If you find neither attractive, then move on from both.
Don't waste time on men who aren't everything you're looking for. Life's too short for that.

I agree with @ToastedAlmond. There’s no rush. Enjoy dating for a while, don’t view every man as a potential long term partner.
I know that dating can be disheartening, and people are fickle. Just have fun and see how things evolve.

I do have my own home, life, financial stability etc. And yes i would like a man to share some of it with, and I would love a decent sex life! I haven't met anyone in the past 2 years IRL, and I swipe past about 99 in every 100 men on the app im using. I dont find most of them attractive! Or at least if I do, I can see they aren't my type of person in other ways. The man who ghosted me previously, I found him attractive, although I dont think we would have been compatible enough, with hindsight. Attraction can be misleading.
Maybe you're right and I should just take more time and believe that someone will come along who is compatible and attractive but logic is telling me it might just not happen.

The problem with OLD is you really can’t gage how attracted you’ll both feel from photos, I met
my ex in real life, and never been so attracted so someone but he takes an awful photo and wouldn’t have swiped on him!

Id say keep dating if you don’t find either attractive.

Why on earth would it be ‘silly’ to wait for someone you like and also find attractive?!

Someone whose company you love AND who you fancy literally what a partner is meant to be. You’re only 53! You really don’t need to be in the mindset of settling for mere companionship. If you want a sexual/romantic partner, you need to be sexually/romantically attracted to them.

Sure, attraction can grow - but that needs to happen before they become your partner. And you’ve only had two dates with these men. That’s nothing! I don’t understand why you can’t keep dating both of them a few more times to see if attraction grows, while also staying on the apps to see if you meet anyone else. There’s no rush.

I could have more dates with both to see if any attraction grows. I felt like it could be confusing for me to do that with 2 people. I have already established with one of them that we could stay in touch as friends.
But it's true, there is no rush. Although im "only 53" i feel like my own attractiveness is waning by the day 😂 ... that's probably part of my mindset that is making me want to get into an actual physical and emotional relationship rather than just "dating" ie non sexual dates

I can also keep open to others IRL and OLD.

OP I was 53 when I met DP. Was happy to be single, but enjoyed dating. Had no intention of getting into a serious relationship but here we are!

I felt the same as you re my own attractiveness. The right man will want to be with you for the whole you, all of you will be attractive to someone, and vice versa.

Your mindset is fine, you deserve a decent relationship that covers all those levels. Just have fun finding it!

I found when I was dating multiple guys - thee was always one that I was more keen on than the others - and therefore naturally the multiple dating dwindled to one at a time - IYSWIM? The fact that your not attracted to either man - and that one isn't seeming more of an option than the other seems to me to say that neither of these guys is right for you.

I agree with previous posts - it's absolutely not silly to wait until you find a man that ticks all your boxes - including physical attraction.

Keep dating until you find the right guy - it takes a while sometimes but be patient and enjoy the process. I got to enjoy just meeting guys - that absolutely no way I would of normally met IRL - but it was fun meeting such a mixture of characters.

OLD worked for me - now with a guy I met on Bumble and together for 5 1/2 years and going strong :)

Just keep swimming …

This may sound like terrible advice, but I always find I have to sleep with someone before I know if the attraction is truly there or not.

Of course it depends on your moral views on sex, and your sexual preferences full stop - you may prefer to be in a committed relationship before sex.

If I like someone, I am usually happy to sleep with them on date 2 (provided they are happy with this as well). That usually gives me all I need to know as to whether I want a 3rd date!

I am honest with them and make it clear that even though we are having sex, I am not committing to exclusivity until I feel ready.....

With this approach I have found my lovely FWB who is exactly what I am looking for right now! I was quite attracted to him before we even slept together to be fair, but once we had, the attraction grew tenfold.

Same with all my previous long term partners - my attraction grew significantly once we had slept together. In other cases I have found the sex strangely unfulfilling (almost like I am watching myself from afar) and had no desire to repeat it, so I know the attraction isn't really there, even if the guy is good looking, nice etc. Chemistry is a strange and unpredictable thing!

Obviously it does depend though - I am not suggesting this approach would work for everyone.

I hear this, I think i may be similar. I dont have anything against this morally, as long as I'm not misleading anyone. That could be tricky, if you are too honest maybe you kill the buzz, if not, you are potentially going to hurt someone. It might be worth considering though, thanks.

The other slightly limiting factor is that I only have every other weekend child free.. so not a lot of opportunities for dating/ sex with one person never mind more than one 😂

Hm, I'm 56 and if I was looking for an objectively attractive man now, it would take quite some time :D

That is especially true of OLD. When you meet someone in real life, you have more time to see them in different situations - maybe laughing with friends or generally acting more confident and natural than a man on a blind date.

I know what you mean about it feeling awkward after a couple of dates - it felt to me like I was leading them on if it got any more "serious". I guess you might combat that by saying something clear at the start along the lines of "it takes a while to get to know someone so don't read too much into it if we meet again"

But I have to say that when I was online dating at 45-47, even when the men were not objectively attractive, the ones I actually had a relationship with stood out from the first date, or from texting. And maybe because of that, there was a tiny spark of attraction (that grew later): I found their eyes, or their shoulders, or their legs attractive even though they were balding or had dentures.

Is there anything about either of these men that makes you feel particularly interested in them?

I was online dating (now married) as a middle aged woman and you do have to look in the mirror and realise that you are older too, I don’t feel old and the men who I think look good simply are younger, instead I quickly had to look past the fact they were men my age (aka grey hair, wrinkles etc) and see them for their personality, what a great person they are. I’m being honest here. I love my now dh but I would be dishonest if I said I went for his looks, so much more to a person. I do think that you do know when they are right for you, I did, I knew that looks didn’t matter straight away

That's a good perspective. Its true that the older we are, the less likely we will find the same age men attractive and that works the other way around too. Still, im hoping for some attraction and sexual chemistry. But you're right, maybe you can get that without the initial phwoar. Maybe I need to give it a try and see lol.

I dont find either of them very attractive

Surely it's a bit shitty to enter into a relationship with either of them then? I'd be horrified if at some point down the line I found out I'd been in a relationship with someone who never fancied me.

I’m sorry to sound a negative note here OP but statistically speaking it’s very unlikely that two men in their 50s on a dating app are both “lovely”.

I’d get to know them both better before deciding whether to proceed with one of them. So many narcissists and cheaters on dating apps - please keep your eyes and ears open.

Another vote for keeping ‘dates’ in the realm of fun, no need to pick or rush. Enjoy.

But is dating and seeing if attraction grows "entering into a relationship "? It depends how you are defining relationship. I suppose I'm unlikely to actually end up sleeping with someone unless the attraction has grown.

Definitely true if picked at random! As it happens, one of them has mutual friends with me- we have never met each other but we easily could have, so I do feel reassured that he is lovely, as he seems.
The other, well you do never know at first but from his interests, his job , the way he talks about past relationships etc, I'm fairly convinced also that he's a good guy.
Im not planning to marry either of them next week rest assured. Just more dates is all.

Personally, I'd say the point where you want to be exclusive with someone is where you move from casually dating to in a relationship. I'd assumed that as you wanted to only see one person, you'd be wanting them to do the same thing. , so apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

I'd say the point where you want to be exclusive with someone is where you move from casually dating to in a relationship.
When I was young (and OP is only a few years younger than me), people only (openly) dated one person at a time, you were assumed not to be dating anyone else. This idea of dating multiple people, then bringing up exclusivity when you want a relationship, is quite new and feels a bit sneaky when you're not used to it.

I do agree. Between me and my friends (all 50 somethings) we barely managed a vaguely decent date between us let alone meeting even one ‘lovely’ man. Most of them were looking for nurse with a purse and had more baggage than Stansted