Internet dating dilemma

[HeadAboveHeadBelow]

Im 53, out of a long term relationship a few years ago, recently started internet dating.. ive met 2 men at the same time who are both lovely and we are potentially compatible (in different ways).. ive had 2 dates with each of them. i feel like i now need to only go ahead with one of them. I dont find either of them very attractive but it feels so unlikely that id meet someone lovely AND compatible AND attractive, that i feel it would be silly to wait around for that, and maybe attraction can grow if everything else is "right". It feels like a dilemma now as to how to choose between them! A nice position to be in i guess (especially as this comes after a rejection, then a ghosting with the 1st two men i dated through IND!)

Seriously you're 53. That's nothing these days.

There is no way you should be settling for anyone where you feel no physical attraction.

If you only want company and a companion I'd say fine if you were 85, but 53? No.

Neither is right and it's really not fair to encourage a man you don't fancy. You would be doing him a disservice . Let both of them find a woman who fancies the pants off them.

Maybe you're right and I should just take more time and believe that someone will come along who is compatible and attractive but logic is telling me it might just not happen.

It's not logic.

It's your pessimism .

Just because you've not met Mr Right in a couple of years doesn't mean he's not out there.

If you're 53 how old is the child- surely almost an adult? Unless you had them in your 40s.

God, you're meeting losers.

I am married but know a few men of that age who were my ex's and they were in their prime in their 50s.

Some men just let themselves go.

I think, given what you've said, that there's no need to pick so early. Enjoy hanging out with them, spending time, getting to know them a bit more. If attraction grows, great. If not, no big deal, maybe you get new friends instead.

If they ask, or say something which makes you suspect they think it's more serious than you see it, or if you do start sleeping with them, then you need to be clear that it's not exclusive for you, but otherwise, enjoy, and if someone else who you find more attractive does come along, enjoy that as well!

Well I’d love to know where they’re hiding! I filtered heavily and the men I met were attractive with decent jobs and their own home. They came across as articulate and very good catches on paper - and to a msn they were dreadful once the surface was scratched

Ive got a huge social circle so know a lot of men my age and can count on one hand the ones I’d consider vaguely eligible

You don't need to make the decision after two dates. Why the rush to get into a relationship? I also agree with the other pp. Sex is important.

I couldn’t have sex (or any form of intimacy) with someone I wasn’t attracted to. I’m 53 too (female) and ended my marriage a few years ago. I have tried OLD and don’t like anyone 🥴. I think it isn’t the right platform for me.

You really don’t have to choose between the 2 - move on from both. It just isn’t there.

That’s been the issue for me too. I can’t even kiss anyone I don’t feel a real attraction for let alone have sex.
I need an emotional connection to sleep with anyone so casual isn’t in my radar

Same.

The issue with waiting for the perfect person and not settling, is that finding that person (and them liking you) could happen, but probably unlikely. So you could find yourself never being happy as no-one measures up.

It's different in your 20s. Generally you dont have much, are more open to change, and you can grow with that person.

Early 50s, it's much harder:

• Kids - are they the right ages (at 52 I would not want to be dating someone who has kids say aged 8 or 10), do they have a good relationship with them, are the kids actually nice and you can get on with
• Money - Most have a house, do I want to risk my financial independence? Different when you are getting something in your 20s when you both start with little
• Long term plans - want to stay apart or move in, if so which house or sell both and buy a new one. What happens to all the spare furniture etc.. Is one looking to retire in 2 years the other in 10 years?
• House - then you have the decor, will that other person like the same, are they tidy or messy?
• Looks - yes they are important but the emotional connection is what I value more than I used to
• Sex - compatible? Tactile enough, PDA or not?
• Baggage - we all have some whether is being cheated on, cheating, crazy ex... are we past all that?
• Health - yeah, we are in our 50s, things start going wrong, do I want to be a carer?
• Joint interests - can you do things together and still keep doing stuff on your own, if you like to go off mountain climbing every weekend that may be somethig to cut down on (unless the other person is the same)
• General manner / personality - are they someone you would want to introduce to friends and family

Probably a whole lot more too, my point is that there are a lot of boxes to tick and finding one that ticks all is probably rare.

Go on a third date with both and choose one, see how it goes

I think you need to spend more time with these people. I don't believe that an instant attraction is the thing. Realise it is difficult with OLD though.

I always think about the Roald Dahl quote

"If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

And I think that comes from getting to know someone. When I first met my DH I worked for him. I didn't fancy him or even think about him in that way. But as we got to know each other, I realised how well we got on. We just had a great time together. Then I suddenly found myself fancying him. This came much later on - and I still do! Can't imagine not fancying him now.

I love this - it suits my logical mind and is similar to the mental list I do have in my mind - although also I've realised im a hopeless romantic on some level as well though 🙃
Both these guys do seem to tick most of those categories but of course I dont know yet about sex/intimacy/affection.
I think i do just need to chill out and keep seeing both of them for a bit longer, until one stands out, or of course one or both of them decide im not for them either. And keep looking on the app in case anyone really interesting pops up too.

Aw the Roald Dahl quote is such a great way to think about it!

This is definitely true. Im really struggling with the multiple people thing. I've grown up having 1 date with someone ) or, more usually, ending up in bed with them on a drunken night out !) then either continuing to see them until it goes further or fizzles out, or not. And only ever with 1 person at a time- and like you say it's assumed you're both doing that.

I completely disagree. That Dahl stuff is bollocks. what did he know?

The spark is purely chemistry. It's either there or not there.

I don't think people 'grow on you'.

I had one long term relationship where the man didn't appeal to me physically- not my 'type' - but I was attracted very much to his personality. In the end, it didn't work out not because of that but with hindsight I know that physical attraction is important.

Look at it the other way @HeadAboveHeadBelow It would be unfair to string these men along (or 1 of them) on the basis of seeing if your feelings of lust developed. I think it's fine to date multiple men to get to know them better as long as they know you're doing that and they accept it.

I've known men who were dating where the women didn't fancy them but kept things going for half a dozen dates then said 'sorry but I don't really fancy you.'
It's cruel and I think you should avoid that as far as you can.

Well this is why I like posting sometimes on mumsnet- for the wide range of different responses.
I agree one should not "string anyone along ". Im not intending to lie or deliberately be misleading. I think these men are intelligent grown up adults and they know the score. One of them has explicitly said he fancies me, the other - who knows,.. he wants to date me again , but maybe he feels no physical chemistry either - maybe he is "stringing me along". Or, maybe he, like me, recognises that im a nice and interesting person with many things in common with him, and he's not sure yet.
I wish things were as simple as just 'no immediate chemistry/fancying, ditch it' but for me i just don't think it is. I may be wrong of course. But im just muddling along trying to make the right decisions and not hurt anyone/ be hurt in the process, like most of us.

Maybe slow down a bit? You're only 53 . I hear the negative voices on here about men who are not in good physical shape but I guess that depends on your social circle and what you do as a hobby. I've always gone for sporty men, who enjoy running, tennis, gym etc as well as having a brain ,and my work was in a professional field.

Maybe outside of OLD you could get more of a social life to meet men in RL and decide if there is a spark or you just both happen to like rambling (or whatever!)

I can only speak for myself, but I have to have immediate chemistry (which for me is about stimulating my brain!) even if the man isn't classically good looking. I can overlook 'drop dead good looks' if they are interesting, intelligent and kind, but there has to be 'something' of a spark from the word Go.

Have you snogged either of them? I think you can tell from the first kiss if it's going anywhere or not. One man I knew was a 7/10 good looking but the moment he touched me (for a kiss) I wanted him to have me right there, against the wall.

My work's in a professional field (same as my partner's) and I'm slim and appreciate a sporty body, but that hasn't made my partner's hair or teeth grow back yet, or reduced the bags under his eyes 😂He's sixty. At some point you really do have to accept that waiting for a Tom Cruise or George Clooney lookalike might not work out. I agree that there should be some sort of spark, but would add that finding it might require a little imagination sometimes!

The one that seems more keen, I’d go with that one. Leave it until they or one of them are asking for exclusivity, at this point you know their true intentions.

I agree smallsilvercloud . Also stay on the apps because I'm sure the men are.

My opinion is definitely the same as a few other posters. You aren't in it for some future security, kids etc, this is the bit that you get to choose someone, just because.
I think if you get along well and would be intrigued if something physical developed then continue to date them. If possible you can date both, as long as you are open about it if asked. I wouldn't expect someone to be exclusive with me at the start. Once things got more physical i'd ask to gauge how I felt about it.

I'm usually a 2 or 3 date girl for things to be physical. It's something that is really important to me so I need to feel like we fit on that side or that there is potential to learn how to work well together. I don't want to date someone for weeks to find out that we aren't compatible as I don't want to waste my time.

Ask them to each do a presentation to you with pro & cons

Both those men are awful.

Why has your partner lost his teeth?