Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife Hit Me for first time in 20+ years of being together...am I being too sensitive as she suggests? 45M/44F

61 replies

mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 10:39

Hi all, I never usually post and this is my first, but I've 'toing and froing' deciding if to seek advice and think I need some as I don't know what to do.
My wife works away quite a lot and last week she came back in the evening after being away with work for a couple of days, she said the traffic was bad and I knew straight away she was in a bad mood. She came in and threw her bag down, went to the toilet and came back into the front room. I was sat on the sofa asking her how was work etc, I accidently broke wind - which in normal circumstances she would have found funny, but she had this sudden rage and hit me full force on my leg and moved to the other side of the room. I was in shock as I know I shouldn't have probably broken wind, but her response was quite scary. Her face changed and I've never seen her face like that before.
I then left the room and went into the bathroom to work out what had just happened, I stayed there for a good while pretending to be on the toilet, when we text me and said "sorry for tapping you on the leg". I apologised for breaking wind as well, but I couldn't get my head around her response and the fact she hit me with full force, it wasn't just a 'tap' as she says, she hit me really hard.
But now I'm in this situation where I feel I'm being silly and maybe she didn't mean it, but she really did and this is what's bothering me....
Is this okay or I am being sensitive?

OP posts:
Spookygoose · 23/10/2025 10:43

This is definitely not an ok response for farting! Has she ever hit you before? I’d be having a serious conversation with her, she needs to admit the fact it was not a tap and understand getting physical is never ok. She should be mortified with herself and begging for your forgiveness. That’s the only circumstance I’d possibly be willing to forgive her in

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 23/10/2025 10:46

No, it's not OK and a complete overreaction.

amber763 · 23/10/2025 10:46

This isn't okay and neither is her minimising it either. You're not being silly. Agree with the first poster. You need to have a conversation about this and dont let her nake you think you're being sensitive. Domestic violence is never okay.

Periperi2025 · 23/10/2025 10:46

I think given the length of your relationship, the change in behaviour and her age, it might me an idea to pick a calm moment and discuss how you felt and how unacceptable it was and also whether she has any other menopause symptoms and if there is anything you can do together to support her (private menopause assessment). Also, maybe take the time to educate yourself on perimeonpause/ menopause (loads of good podcasts), becasue it's going to be tough for both of you if rage like this is one of her big symptoms!

Original poster
mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 10:47

She's never hit me before especially like this, her response after as well is what confused me, as I was expecting her to be really apologtic but she just sent a text messge (whilst I was in the same house) saying "sorry for tapping you on the leg", making it as if I've taken it more than what it was!?! It was that hard it actually shocked me and her face was unlike I've never seen. She'd been away 2 nights before with her workmates, so found it very odd behaviour. I know I shouldn't have broke wind, but it was completley accidental and I did apologise for it.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 10:50

You have been married for 20+ years? And how is the marriage generally?
To me this sounds like a non-event that could have been easiest dealt with in the moment by saying something about the tap being too much, which she most likely did not realise or meant.

Unless there are other signs of her personality turning into aggressiveness - i am not sure this is worthy of toing and froing…

And i also thought about peri-menopause. Being tired, long day of driving, etc - can have contributes to her accidental overreaction.

Has she experienced any other symptoms?
Unfortunately - some do get rages (heard women talk about ‘red mist’) and some struggle with controlling them.

Timetoheal4good · 23/10/2025 10:50

Periperi2025 · 23/10/2025 10:46

I think given the length of your relationship, the change in behaviour and her age, it might me an idea to pick a calm moment and discuss how you felt and how unacceptable it was and also whether she has any other menopause symptoms and if there is anything you can do together to support her (private menopause assessment). Also, maybe take the time to educate yourself on perimeonpause/ menopause (loads of good podcasts), becasue it's going to be tough for both of you if rage like this is one of her big symptoms!

In the name of all that is holy, what have I just read?

Sorry menopause does not condone physical violence and she does not merit a calm conversation about feelings and needs when she's physically lashed out!

If a man hits a woman for passing wind, will we calmly sit him down and chat about his testosterone levels and if he needs anything, is he depressed? Should we ask if there's anything she can do to support him so that he doesn't hit her again?

The OP needs to educate himself on nothing other than what is acceptable and unacceptable - i.e don't dare lift your hands to me ever again. Closed case.

Give your head a wobble!!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 23/10/2025 10:51

.

Original poster
mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 10:59

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 10:50

You have been married for 20+ years? And how is the marriage generally?
To me this sounds like a non-event that could have been easiest dealt with in the moment by saying something about the tap being too much, which she most likely did not realise or meant.

Unless there are other signs of her personality turning into aggressiveness - i am not sure this is worthy of toing and froing…

And i also thought about peri-menopause. Being tired, long day of driving, etc - can have contributes to her accidental overreaction.

Has she experienced any other symptoms?
Unfortunately - some do get rages (heard women talk about ‘red mist’) and some struggle with controlling them.

Edited

It's okay, she's usually in a bad mood when she's been away and I kind of understand it if shes been driving loads, but it was just odd. I did mention to her straight after that it was a odd reaction to a fart, and that she shouldn't have hit me like that, but she said she only tapped me and I shouldn't be so sensitive...

Her reaction is very similar if we ever argue, it's always made to feel as if I'm the one in the wrong. I bought her a designed hand bag a few years ago for her b'day and she pulled her face and said "i said i wanted a black handbag!". Obviously this wasn't nice as I'd spent loads on it and tried to get one that matched her outfit, but again it was made to feel as if I was being oversenitive to her reaction.

OP posts:
MzHz · 23/10/2025 10:59

So sorry to hear this has happened to you @mrbluesky80 it must be very confusing for you atm.

firstly, I think you need to address this head on. Tell her that there is no excuse for hitting you, that she DID hit you, full force and not a tap, and you’d appreciate an apology to your face.

oh and if she raises a hand to you again, 20 years or no 20 years, she’s gone.

make sure she knows you’re serious about this. This isn’t ok.

StokePotteries · 23/10/2025 11:05

It is never okay to hit someone. You need to talk to her and say: I know that was out of character for you, but you need to know I will not allow you to ever hit me again. And I absolutely won't accept you minimising what you did by calling it a tap. You hit me. And then you tried to dismiss what you'd done. Both those actions from a man to a woman would be indicators of abuse. It hurt and shocked me and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I want to discuss it.

Wisi · 23/10/2025 11:07

It’s absolutely not okay, it abuse. She’s taking her temper out on you, hit you and is minimising it and sounds like she regularly puts you down.
realistically if she’s done it once she is likely to do it again, it’s up to you if this is a ltb moment, but regardless of whether you stay or leave, she needs to acknowledge and deal with her anger problem, is that likely something she will do or even acknowledge? If not you have your answer really, yes it’s been 20 years but do you want to spend 20 more with someone like this

Periperi2025 · 23/10/2025 11:07

Timetoheal4good · 23/10/2025 10:50

In the name of all that is holy, what have I just read?

Sorry menopause does not condone physical violence and she does not merit a calm conversation about feelings and needs when she's physically lashed out!

If a man hits a woman for passing wind, will we calmly sit him down and chat about his testosterone levels and if he needs anything, is he depressed? Should we ask if there's anything she can do to support him so that he doesn't hit her again?

The OP needs to educate himself on nothing other than what is acceptable and unacceptable - i.e don't dare lift your hands to me ever again. Closed case.

Give your head a wobble!!

Edited
Show quote history

Filing for divorce this morning would be a totally valid response from OP, but it is not one that he has in anyway hinted at, and we all know is a rare response to an individual incident like this (whether or not that is right is another debate entriely).

Perimenopause/menopause is real, personality and mood changes are widely recognised as symptoms and to put in to perspective the seriousness of it for some women, the peak age for suicide amongst women in the UK is 50-54 years, the average age of menopause in the UK is 51 years!

In sickness and in health, can include mental health, if OP chooses for it too.

Original poster
mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 11:11

Wisi · 23/10/2025 11:07

It’s absolutely not okay, it abuse. She’s taking her temper out on you, hit you and is minimising it and sounds like she regularly puts you down.
realistically if she’s done it once she is likely to do it again, it’s up to you if this is a ltb moment, but regardless of whether you stay or leave, she needs to acknowledge and deal with her anger problem, is that likely something she will do or even acknowledge? If not you have your answer really, yes it’s been 20 years but do you want to spend 20 more with someone like this

That's it, if i raise it she will somehow turn it back on me and she will be upset, and probabaly not speak to me. We have two girls as well which makes it even more difficult :( Like I said, the only reason I posted is because I wanted validation on what happended wasn't right. I know it wasn't and its been playing on my mind since it happened.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 23/10/2025 11:11

It's not OK, however it seems out of character, and the minimising is her shame.

I think it needs discussion, is it perimenopausal rage? Does she do drugs or drink alot while travelling? She needs to apologise fully and take steps to ensure she can control herself in future.

Original poster
mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 11:14

Mollydoggerson · 23/10/2025 11:11

It's not OK, however it seems out of character, and the minimising is her shame.

I think it needs discussion, is it perimenopausal rage? Does she do drugs or drink alot while travelling? She needs to apologise fully and take steps to ensure she can control herself in future.

She doesn't do drugs (well not to my knowledge!) and she would have been drinking whilst away. Her mood swings ahve been all over, which I can cope with tbh, it's just this got physical and I knew it wasn't right.

OP posts:
Megifer · 23/10/2025 11:18

No this isn't ok op.

Im perimenopausal and dont go around hitting people. That is NOT an excuse and just feeds into the unhelpful narrative around the menopause.

She knew it was bad by using "tapping".

Id tell a woman to get out if she was suddenly hit by a man for no reason and he was downplaying it. So my advice is the same to you even though I would acknowledge its usually unlikely a woman hitting a man would have the same impact re: physical pain.

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 11:18

@mrbluesky80
Now, its about the designer bag present from some time ago?
You could have spent hours picking it - but any sane man would know that bags are personal choices and unless the woman explicitly said she liked a particular brand/style - it’s better not to try to guess (and be disappointed when you don’t get it right)

But in general you seem to not like some aspects of your W’s personality, and resent her. You don’t need an excuse - ‘she is aggressive and turned violent’ - to divorce, if this os what you want.

Glowingup · 23/10/2025 11:19

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 10:50

You have been married for 20+ years? And how is the marriage generally?
To me this sounds like a non-event that could have been easiest dealt with in the moment by saying something about the tap being too much, which she most likely did not realise or meant.

Unless there are other signs of her personality turning into aggressiveness - i am not sure this is worthy of toing and froing…

And i also thought about peri-menopause. Being tired, long day of driving, etc - can have contributes to her accidental overreaction.

Has she experienced any other symptoms?
Unfortunately - some do get rages (heard women talk about ‘red mist’) and some struggle with controlling them.

Edited

Would you say the same if a husband whacked a wife for breaking wind?

amber763 · 23/10/2025 11:22

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 11:18

@mrbluesky80
Now, its about the designer bag present from some time ago?
You could have spent hours picking it - but any sane man would know that bags are personal choices and unless the woman explicitly said she liked a particular brand/style - it’s better not to try to guess (and be disappointed when you don’t get it right)

But in general you seem to not like some aspects of your W’s personality, and resent her. You don’t need an excuse - ‘she is aggressive and turned violent’ - to divorce, if this os what you want.

What's your problem? What nonsense.
Why are you giving this guy a hard time and defending his violent wife? Would you be so snarky and dismissive of his experience if the sexes were reversed?

Wisi · 23/10/2025 11:25

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 11:18

@mrbluesky80
Now, its about the designer bag present from some time ago?
You could have spent hours picking it - but any sane man would know that bags are personal choices and unless the woman explicitly said she liked a particular brand/style - it’s better not to try to guess (and be disappointed when you don’t get it right)

But in general you seem to not like some aspects of your W’s personality, and resent her. You don’t need an excuse - ‘she is aggressive and turned violent’ - to divorce, if this os what you want.

Most threads about abusive people talk about past events to help unpick things and discuss, as there’s usually a pattern of dismissive, belittling behavior. Most people would resent their abusive partner.

BeMintFatball · 23/10/2025 11:31

OP your wife has not given a true apology. She has belittled your experience. It was only a tap. No, it was a hit.

Red flag 🚩. If the roles were reversed, the advice on here would unanimously be LTB

RubyMentor · 23/10/2025 11:33

MMmomDD · 23/10/2025 10:50

You have been married for 20+ years? And how is the marriage generally?
To me this sounds like a non-event that could have been easiest dealt with in the moment by saying something about the tap being too much, which she most likely did not realise or meant.

Unless there are other signs of her personality turning into aggressiveness - i am not sure this is worthy of toing and froing…

And i also thought about peri-menopause. Being tired, long day of driving, etc - can have contributes to her accidental overreaction.

Has she experienced any other symptoms?
Unfortunately - some do get rages (heard women talk about ‘red mist’) and some struggle with controlling them.

Edited

If the roles were reversed most people would be telling the poster to LTB

ReadingTheRoom · 23/10/2025 11:33

This isn't acceptable and her not having insight as to how hard she hit you isn't either. She sounds intimidating and like you're walking on eggshells. Sounds miserable. Maybe you should consider marriage counselling if you want things to improve. If you don't want to continue being abused psychologically and maybe physically, as this may be just the start then you should consider divorce. You deserve a life with someone that respects you, not bullies you. You day it's ok. It's not ok.

Frequentlyincorrectbut · 23/10/2025 11:33

If you do not want to leave immediately, I think now is the time to lay down an absolutely non-negotiable boundary in your relationship. Pick a time to talk and say I cannot ever have that happen to me again. You might have thought it was a 'tap' but it wasn't, you hit me and I cannot ever have that happen again. I will not have that. If she doesn't lay hands on you, then it's likely she surprised herself in terms of what she did and is looking for a way out by minimising it. Say I am not being sensitive and it was not a tap, please never do that again. Even if she blusters, just repeat your position.

The alternative is immediate removal from the household and divorce and the OP may not want that, although that is an option and one I'd seriously consider that too if the above option does not seem ok for you.

Only you know your marriage, how you normally are, whether she's often aggressive or difficult, and whether you can take the chance of it happening again which is a genuine risk. Men and women might have different perceptions of the risk of staying as well, which are not necessarily equivalent so I don't see saying 'what would you say to a man?' being that relevant here.