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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife Hit Me for first time in 20+ years of being together...am I being too sensitive as she suggests? 45M/44F

61 replies

mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 10:39

Hi all, I never usually post and this is my first, but I've 'toing and froing' deciding if to seek advice and think I need some as I don't know what to do.
My wife works away quite a lot and last week she came back in the evening after being away with work for a couple of days, she said the traffic was bad and I knew straight away she was in a bad mood. She came in and threw her bag down, went to the toilet and came back into the front room. I was sat on the sofa asking her how was work etc, I accidently broke wind - which in normal circumstances she would have found funny, but she had this sudden rage and hit me full force on my leg and moved to the other side of the room. I was in shock as I know I shouldn't have probably broken wind, but her response was quite scary. Her face changed and I've never seen her face like that before.
I then left the room and went into the bathroom to work out what had just happened, I stayed there for a good while pretending to be on the toilet, when we text me and said "sorry for tapping you on the leg". I apologised for breaking wind as well, but I couldn't get my head around her response and the fact she hit me with full force, it wasn't just a 'tap' as she says, she hit me really hard.
But now I'm in this situation where I feel I'm being silly and maybe she didn't mean it, but she really did and this is what's bothering me....
Is this okay or I am being sensitive?

OP posts:
Glowingup · 23/10/2025 12:52

mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 12:47

Thank you. Yes recently I've had to be careful, I often bite my tongue to avoid confontation. Whenever we do argue, it almost always leads to her crying and making it my fault, hence why I don't say anything. The only thing was when she hit me she didn't cry this time, there was no remorse which made it even worse. It is like it's never happened.

Show quote history

She sounds like an abusive bitch and it sounds like she’s been emotionally abusing you for ages and it’s recently tipped into physical. What do you get from this awful relationship? You don’t have to stay with her you know. There are loads of really nice women out there who don’t manipulate abuse and gaslight their partners.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2025 13:05

Op

what do you know about her own family background?. This often gives clues and I would actually assume she saw violence as a child. This is within her psyche and she can and does control herself.

She would not dream
of treating her own friends or work colleagues like she does you. She holds the vast amount of power within this relationship and she knows it too. You are therefore treated with contempt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2025 13:08

Abusers never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions, always blaming others, in this case you.

It’s not your fault and she is no decent example of a mother to her daughters. They could well go on themselves to be the abuser within their own relationship as adults. I would urge you to get away from her going forward via divorce.

Original poster
mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 13:09

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2025 13:05

Op

what do you know about her own family background?. This often gives clues and I would actually assume she saw violence as a child. This is within her psyche and she can and does control herself.

She would not dream
of treating her own friends or work colleagues like she does you. She holds the vast amount of power within this relationship and she knows it too. You are therefore treated with contempt.

Her mum left her when she was younger, her father brought her up but he was a drunk.

Agreed, she would never ever treat her colleagues like this. My concern is if I ever left her, what would happen to my daughters? i think she would make it very very difficult for me, especially if it ended with me saying it's because of her!

Such a tough position, but her being physical has made think this is not right.

OP posts:
TheLilacStork · 23/10/2025 13:35

OP no wonder this is really playing on your mind. I really think you need to sit down to talk to her and let her know that this really isn’t ok. The hit wasn’t ok. Being dismissive of it wasn’t ok. She needs to respect you enough to acknowledge this. It’s ok for her to have bad moods but not ok for her to take them out on you. You need to draw some boundaries around these things. Yes the menopause can affect your mood etc but no excuse for any of this. I had a really tough time a few years ago and had terrible, fearful rages, completely out of character. If someone had put that down to menopause I would have been absolutely furious, hurt and felt dismissed. (It wasn’t due to menopause it was because of some really good other reasons though). Maybe sit and ask if she’s ok, maybe she needs help with something that’s going on for her? But again absolutely no excuse for what she did or how she dismissed you afterwards. You can offer support and kindness to her if she needs support (and if you still want to after what’s happened) but absolutely not at your own expense

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/10/2025 13:45

Your wife grew up with a drunkard for a father, that says it all really. That’s the first red flag amongst many re your wife. She learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships when she was growing up.

It’s not your fault she is like this and she does not want your help or support. Not that you can at all help her anyway.

Your daughters need to leave with you because their mother is abusing you as their farther. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. You want them to behave potentially like she does as adults , to show them that you find their mother’s behavior towards you acceptable to you?. No you would want better for them that this and you should too. Men are also abused in relationships.

andthat · 23/10/2025 22:51

mrbluesky80 · 23/10/2025 12:47

Thank you. Yes recently I've had to be careful, I often bite my tongue to avoid confontation. Whenever we do argue, it almost always leads to her crying and making it my fault, hence why I don't say anything. The only thing was when she hit me she didn't cry this time, there was no remorse which made it even worse. It is like it's never happened.

Show quote history

This really isn’t ok.

You are modifying your behaviour so you don’t provoke her.

This is not what loving relationships are built on.

Perhaps you need to examine how else she is being abusive and whether or not you want the next chapter of your life to be lived in this way.

❤️

Timetoheal4good · 24/10/2025 09:36

wheresmymojo · 23/10/2025 11:36

I really think we need to be clear about what appropriate spousal support for mental health issues is (whether caused by menopause or not).

It’s appropriate to support your spouse through tough times with their mental health.

This absolutely doesn’t mean accepting being the recipient of any abusive behaviour - emotional or physical. IMO that stretches to not being the person they take their bad moods or irritation out on as well as behaviour that would fall into ‘abusive’.

None of us can help our mental health, however we absolutely can help our own behaviour and taking it out on other people. That’s not mental health, it’s character.

And no-one signs up to vows that say “…in sickness and in health including you taking those things out on me because you lack the necessary character to deal with them in an appropriate way that doesn’t hurt me.” and surely no-one would?

Yes, humans make mistakes - we snap at people or (god forbid) hit someone on the leg once in 20 years but the appropriate response to that is to be extremely apologetic, mortified at your own behaviour, recognising it as completely unacceptable and taking concrete actions that show you are taking full accountability as an adult to make sure it doesn’t happen again (e.g. booking a doctor’s appointment, researching anger management online, going to therapy, talking about how you will handle your own moods differently in the future with real, practical examples not just ‘I won’t do it again’).

I say this as someone who has previously had severe mental health issues - it’s not for anyone else to accept it being taken out on them.

Show quote history

Exactly!!!!!!

Ella31 · 27/10/2025 10:41

Periperi2025 · 23/10/2025 10:46

I think given the length of your relationship, the change in behaviour and her age, it might me an idea to pick a calm moment and discuss how you felt and how unacceptable it was and also whether she has any other menopause symptoms and if there is anything you can do together to support her (private menopause assessment). Also, maybe take the time to educate yourself on perimeonpause/ menopause (loads of good podcasts), becasue it's going to be tough for both of you if rage like this is one of her big symptoms!

He doesnt need to educate himself. His wife needs to educate herself that physical violence is unacceptable regardless of anything.

Mumlaplomb · 27/10/2025 10:47

There are some helplines designed for male victims of domestic abuse OP, Respect is one of them 0808 8010327. I would give them a call and seek advice.

Goldfoxwife · 27/10/2025 11:11

You need to sit down and talk to her and make it clear you won't allow her to do this to you

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