Wife Hit Me for first time in 20+ years of being together...am I being too sensitive as she suggests? 45M/44F

[mrbluesky80]

Hi all, I never usually post and this is my first, but I've 'toing and froing' deciding if to seek advice and think I need some as I don't know what to do.
My wife works away quite a lot and last week she came back in the evening after being away with work for a couple of days, she said the traffic was bad and I knew straight away she was in a bad mood. She came in and threw her bag down, went to the toilet and came back into the front room. I was sat on the sofa asking her how was work etc, I accidently broke wind - which in normal circumstances she would have found funny, but she had this sudden rage and hit me full force on my leg and moved to the other side of the room. I was in shock as I know I shouldn't have probably broken wind, but her response was quite scary. Her face changed and I've never seen her face like that before.
I then left the room and went into the bathroom to work out what had just happened, I stayed there for a good while pretending to be on the toilet, when we text me and said "sorry for tapping you on the leg". I apologised for breaking wind as well, but I couldn't get my head around her response and the fact she hit me with full force, it wasn't just a 'tap' as she says, she hit me really hard.
But now I'm in this situation where I feel I'm being silly and maybe she didn't mean it, but she really did and this is what's bothering me....
Is this okay or I am being sensitive?

Thank you. There are other instances and I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I do almost everything in the house: washing, cooking, cleaning as well as working from home. My wife is busy and is on a high salary, probably 4 times more than me, and I don't resent that at all as it helps the household and our daughters, but I do sometimes get the feeling i'm seen 'below' her and these actions feel as if what I'm feeling are true. I don't think she respects me.

To me this sounds like a non-event that could have been easiest dealt with in the moment by saying something about the tap being too much, which she most likely did not realise or meant.
it was not a tap, op has stated he was hit full force and that it wasn’t a tap, unless he is dating the hulk, you cannot hit someone full force without realising or meaning too, what minimising shite.

I really think we need to be clear about what appropriate spousal support for mental health issues is (whether caused by menopause or not).

It’s appropriate to support your spouse through tough times with their mental health.

This absolutely doesn’t mean accepting being the recipient of any abusive behaviour - emotional or physical. IMO that stretches to not being the person they take their bad moods or irritation out on as well as behaviour that would fall into ‘abusive’.

None of us can help our mental health, however we absolutely can help our own behaviour and taking it out on other people. That’s not mental health, it’s character.

And no-one signs up to vows that say “…in sickness and in health including you taking those things out on me because you lack the necessary character to deal with them in an appropriate way that doesn’t hurt me.” and surely no-one would?

Yes, humans make mistakes - we snap at people or (god forbid) hit someone on the leg once in 20 years but the appropriate response to that is to be extremely apologetic, mortified at your own behaviour, recognising it as completely unacceptable and taking concrete actions that show you are taking full accountability as an adult to make sure it doesn’t happen again (e.g. booking a doctor’s appointment, researching anger management online, going to therapy, talking about how you will handle your own moods differently in the future with real, practical examples not just ‘I won’t do it again’).

I say this as someone who has previously had severe mental health issues - it’s not for anyone else to accept it being taken out on them.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. And men can be abused within marriages or cohabiting relationships.

Your marriage is to all intents and purposes over now.

I would plan my exit from this marriage now because she will do it again. She’s already berm putting you down verbally and she has escalated now to hitting you. You certainly do not want your DDs following her violent example too so do not stay for their supposed sake. Contact Menkind.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her about how it is unacceptable to hit you in any circumstances. Remind her that she was angry over something very minor (traffic) and she needs to take a step back and reflect on her behaviour and consider how she’ll work to improve things moving forward. Make sure she knows how it has affected you.

One of the reasons we worry so much about men who are violent towards women in relationships is that the hitting is a form of control and encourages her to be fearful of him. It often goes alongside other forms of control - criticism & emotional abuse, coercive control, isolation.

Something I'd advise you to do is educate yourself on domestic abuse because it's not clear from your post (and you may not know yourself, if you don't know the signs) whether this is the escalation of other forms of abuse she has subjected you to over time, or whether this is "simply" a massive, one off loss of temper. Freedom programme is good.

If it's the former, you need to leave. If it's the latter you would still be absolutely entitled to leave but you could consider staying, if your wife engages with discussions about what is going on for her and what needs to change so that this absolutely never happens again.

And no you are not bloody over sensitive. Abusers like chucking such terms around to further get at their target with. It’s not your fault she is like this and I would also readily assume she would never hit her friends or work colleagues. This abuse is solely reserved for you and it’s unacceptable.

I also agree with what a PP says about setting out extremely clear boundaries OP about this being an absolute dealbreaker for you that you will never accept again and that she understands you would absolutely be willing to seek divorce if it did.

She needs to be extremely clear that, while you were initially too taken aback to address it at the time, she cannot expect that you will allow her to minimise it, gaslight you and brush it under the carpet.

I think it’s pretty obvious that she wouldn’t treat her colleagues like this despite how much she might be in a “bad mood” so she’s clearly perfectly capable of restraint.

Since she’s on a high salary I assume relationship counselling is affordable and it sounds like it’s very much needed to address not just this incident but what sounds like a pattern of her being ‘moody’ and disrespectful. There’s clearly more going on here that needs to be explored.

I’d also say she needs to consider individual therapy if her work puts her in such a bad mood so often and she feels the need to take that out on people around her by being moody (menopause or no).

Again, I’ve suffered severe MH issues in the past and am also mid-40s and in a high paying job so it’s not like I don’t understand the pressures, etc.

What if anything do you know about her family background because that often gives clues.

Why do you keep saying tap, op has said it was a full hit not a tap, why do you keep minimising against the person who was abused?

from the op the fact she hit me with full force, it wasn't just a 'tap' as she says, she hit me really hard.

If this is what you take from this thread then I really think you should consider whether you need therapy. That’s not a snarky throwaway comment intended to be nasty, I genuinely think there’s something quite wrong in this view of the world and it’s possible that you too might be unintentionally(?) taking things out on other people and it has triggered defensiveness in you about it.

So all.the other stuff you've posted is most important, she has no respect for you. Time to ltb OP, this isn't a loving relationship.

who knows? One off or other incidents. Drip feed incoming

Absolutly, but these things generally start with a converstion, particularly within a marriage, and that is what i suggested, at a calm time.

The reality is that most people male or female will not leave marriage at the first incident of abuse in 20 years, obviously some/ many really should, but just because strangers on mumsnet shout "LTB" doesn't make it happens in reality. People can't leave, don't want to leave' can't leave just now etc.

Exploring all the reasons that could be causing her behaviour is not an unreasonable course of action, it could be that OP has totally minimised what a b*tch his wife has been for the last 20 years, he could be minimising his own behaviour in the marriage, or it could genuinely be a relatively acute deterioation in her mental health that needs addressing, and whilst she definetly needs to engage with doctors/ counselors/ support services she may need some help starting the process, and that is not a failing on her part either.

If OP wife won't engage at all with help and the behaviour change continues (moods, not simply waiting for her to hit him again) then mental health/ menopause or whatever illness, OP still needs to get him and his daughters out and safe from the situation.

She may well think she’s done nothing wrong so such types rarely if ever go to therapy. He should not consider any form of joint counselling because it is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Abuse is about power and control. It is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of.

The bag thing is not abusive and had the OP's wife posted on here, she would have been encouraged to tell her husband that she didn't like the bag and to change it for one she did like. So, I think OP, we can't really unpick what's going on here. I would find individual therapy good here, to understand my own feelings as well, as it's not clear whether she does not respect you or this is your projection. What is clear is she hit you and that can't be minimised or brushed under the carpet.

Yes, but OP’s role here is to state what happened, how it made him feel and his clear boundaries about similar behaviour in the future.

It’s his wife’s role to then apologise and explore what may have been going on that resulted in the behaviour and how to fix that going forward.

It absolutely isn’t OP’s responsibility to take that on himself. Sure, support her in her explorations, listen to her, etc but it’s his wife that needs to take this accountability for repair and resolution.

What you’re suggesting here is that OP, who is the one being hit, needs to take on the responsibility of then leading the work to “fix” the issue. This is, at best, codependency and, at worst, enabling an abusive dynamic, not a good adult relationship. On top of that it won’t be effective either, behaviour change has to come from the person who needs to change - it doesn’t work if it’s directed by someone else.

Thank you all for the posts. They've been really helpful. Yes she did hit me, it wasn't a "tap" it was full force. I am quite tough so I took it, but for me to post on here after waiting almost a full week, shows that wasn't a rash decision in posting and looking for help. It's been playing on my mind and feel it was wrong in every way. The handbag may just have been one of them, but there has been instances similar where she has put me down, even in front of people.

I laughed at the time, but maybe the physical incident is a result of me not taking action with those put downs.

Again, I'm not perfect but like to think I would never ever hit my wife, no matter what. I'd be mortified if I'm honest, not just for her, but for my daughters as well.

Just for clarity @Periperi2025I don’t mean to look as though I’m arguing with you, I think we’re roughly on the same page. I’m just clarifying that it’s OP’s wife who needs to be leading the repair and resolution.

It’s not for any of us to take on the responsibility of ‘fixing’ the bad behaviour of someone else (MH related or not).

The only exceptions being where they don’t have capacity (obvs in that case it’s necessary for the spouse to take on the responsibility because they’re unable to), they ask for support (e.g. someone who is too depressed to make necessary medical appointments so they ask if you could do it for them and go with them and you agree) or you give support that isn’t related to repairing something they did to you that was unacceptable (e.g. running them a bath when they’re stressed, covering the bills because they’re on sick leave).

I’m sensitive about being clear on this topic as it comes up so often as an area on posts where people are really unclear about what supporting a spouse with MH looks like and what is okay/not okay.

IF it is perimenopause/ menopause causing her behaviour change, then the change is not simply the wifes failing, and the cause and 'fix' is organic, a hormone deficiency is the cause and a medical treatment is the 'fix'. I'd hope within any functioning marriage that BOTH partners would be involved in researching/ accessing/ supporting this. Hormone therapy absolutly does work "if directed by someone else". Behavioural changes due to mental ill health are not a personality failing, that must be atoned for, it can be an organic process that needs medical treatment.

OP needs to keep himself safe, but IF his wife has an underlying cause for this outburst she does not deserve to be vilified.

And yes the same does apply to men with behavioural changes from, for example, Urinary tract infections, onset of dementia, bipolar disorder etc. But not men, or women, who seek to control and intentionally intimidate or harm.

I think you know something changed with that blow, OP and that you can't just overlook it. I wish you luck in sorting it out, it may be that how your wife responds to these conversations changes how you feel about the situation as well.

This made me sad to read @mrbluesky80

She’s not only hit you… she’s minimising it and making it out to be your issue (sensitive).

She absolutely should be begging your forgiveness. The fact that she would ignore you if you raised this says it all.

Do you generally have to tread on egg shells around her?

Thank you. Yes recently I've had to be careful, I often bite my tongue to avoid confontation. Whenever we do argue, it almost always leads to her crying and making it my fault, hence why I don't say anything. The only thing was when she hit me she didn't cry this time, there was no remorse which made it even worse. It is like it's never happened.

This is not okay.
You're not over sensitive.
Do not allow her to minimise it.
And don't be swayed by anyone trying to excuse it as menopausal symptoms and a tap 😒.