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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Im a bad person...

94 replies

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 08:20

Been speaking to a guy for 2 weeks & we've been on a coffee date.
His 42, a father of 4 kids, works full time. His last ex treated him quite badly.
When we first started talking it was great lots of laughing but the last few days when he messages Im dreading what he will say. Gone has this fun guy to be replaced with lots of family drama & obsessive messages. I was on the phone to a friend last night for about an hour & during this call I recieved 5 messages from him, just as I got off the phone I recieved another one & it was "take it your ignoring me, speak to you tomorrow but if you dont want to talk to me I understand". He's told his mum & kids about me, he's planning trips, weekends away etc. He even went as far as saying "I know you have a son but I can sort a babysitter so we can go out one evening" we live in different towns & would rather choose a babysitter i trust or a family member. Im at university 3 days a week, plus I work part-time & a single mum (which he knows) my free time is limited but if i go a few hours without messaging he just texts me saying "guess your busy speak to you later or not" when ive already said im at work or university. I even had to text a list of what I was doing everyday so he knew when I was free. I have reminded him its only been 2 weeks & one date so to just relax abit, slow it down, go with the flow but it doesn't seem to have made much difference. Am I a bad person to want to end this before it goes any further?

OP posts:
ConnieHeart · 24/10/2025 08:06

Well done!

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 24/10/2025 08:07

I'll bet a hundred quid that it wasn't his ex that was the crazy one.

Dery · 24/10/2025 08:15

@LA1988 - it’s great that you stood your ground against his persuasion. Your instincts protected you.

There are some useful things for you to reflect on from this also. Abusers are very quick to say they’ve been mistreated by exes and he obviously told you this at the outset of you talking. When he told you his ex mistreated him, that was a clue that he was problematic.

Also, the fact you felt bad turning him down potentially makes you a bit vulnerable. You owe him nothing but you thought you might be a bad person for walking away from this guy. You don’t owe anyone a relationship. You owe it to yourself and your son to only be in relationships that work well for you. That’s it.

arcticpandas · 24/10/2025 08:15

LA1988 · 24/10/2025 07:59

Thank you for asking.
I did talk to him last night & explained how he was making me feel. He tried to say he would back off & slow things down but he really liked me thats why he was being so intense but then he said he had told his mum & kids all about me & i said it was better that this ended because it wasn't right that he was telling people about me after only 2 weeks especially his kids. Forgot to block him straight away due to being at university all day yesterday & by the time I got home he had sent 5 messages begging me to change my mind & give him another chance so I blocked him. Woken up today with a sense of relief.

Keep it this way. Next time you need to affirm your boundaries AS SOON AS THEY START MAKING YOU FEEL THE SLIGHTEST UNCOMFORTABLE. I would have told him off straight away if he started making plans that didn't suit me and I would have said bye forever the first time he started to be throw a tantrum because I didn't respond quickly. But that is because I haven't lived in an abusive relationship so I know how I should be treated; with respect as I treat others.

You definately need to work on this OP because I'm afraid of you heading straight into another bad relationship. Good thing you came on here to ask for advice. If you feel uncomfortable it's because it's a 🚩and you need to be aware and take action to protect yourself and your child.

TwistedWonder · 24/10/2025 08:21

Well done for blocking him OP

As PP have said you need to work on your boundaries and reacting to red flags.

Please look at the freedom programme before you date again. It will really help you recognise men like this from the off

WakingUpToReality · 24/10/2025 08:21

You did the right thing, he was violating all kinds of boundaries with you. There seems to be quite a lot of these creepy men out there. Just no respect for women. Raise your bar much higher for the next one OP. You should NEVER have to explain yourself and what you were doing during your day to anyone, or have to check in with anyone every single day. It wasn’t appropriate how he was talking to you. Always check in with yourself how you are feeling and put your feelings first.

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 24/10/2025 08:39

Does he know where you live OP?

BunnyLake · 24/10/2025 08:48

You’ve been given your red flags very early on. Do the sensible thing and stop it now, it sounds like it’d be a shit show of a relationship, one problematic issue after another.

As for his ex gf treating him badly, more like she wouldn’t put up with his shit and he didn’t like it!

It looks like you’ve made the right decision and dumped him.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/10/2025 08:57

Op. For next time, learn that intense declarations of liking BEFORE he knows barely anything about you are NOT anything about you. Don’t seek these out/pay them any heed (which you absolutely have done here by giving this weirdo any headspace) as they are meaningless other than a giant clue to you that he isn’t a decent bloke.
more clues - 1. ex treated me badly (unlikely to be true statistically but even if it was, it isn’t anything to disclose so early on), 2. The fact that he has 4 kids, yet seems to have so much time (who’s doing all the parenting?) 3. Sending so many messages without a response (doesn’t respect your time at all, selfish and only interested in what he wants) 4. Controlling (he has no right to your schedule) 5. Needy 6. Desperate

Irenesortof · 24/10/2025 09:01

He sounds a bit unstable. Tell him you’ve had some great times together but you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Then block him.

Wethers121 · 24/10/2025 09:36

Good for you OP, calling things off. His behaviour is worrying.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 24/10/2025 09:39

Far too much drama and emotional neediness too soon. Each to their own but I also wouldn’t date a guy with four kids.

You are allowed to end a relationship at the early stages of dating for any reason you want. Just firmly, politely tell him this isn’t working for you and you don’t want to take it any further.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 24/10/2025 09:41

LA1988 · 24/10/2025 07:59

Thank you for asking.
I did talk to him last night & explained how he was making me feel. He tried to say he would back off & slow things down but he really liked me thats why he was being so intense but then he said he had told his mum & kids all about me & i said it was better that this ended because it wasn't right that he was telling people about me after only 2 weeks especially his kids. Forgot to block him straight away due to being at university all day yesterday & by the time I got home he had sent 5 messages begging me to change my mind & give him another chance so I blocked him. Woken up today with a sense of relief.

Sorry, missed this update. Well done. Onwards and upwards.

MeganM3 · 24/10/2025 09:44

Poor you. He sounds completely batshit crazy. Glad that you managed to block. Don’t think of him again.

LA1988 · 24/10/2025 10:10

nopiesleftinthisvehicle · 24/10/2025 08:39

Does he know where you live OP?

Unfortunately he does because I did his daughters hair for a social event about a month ago but we didnt have any communication until 2 weeks ago. I dont think he would be silly enough to harress me by coming to the house. I do have a ring doorbell & security cameras for safety.

OP posts:
Whappy · 24/10/2025 13:48

Well done OP. As if life isn’t hard enough without so many fucking deranged men!

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 24/10/2025 16:26

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:40

Yeah I had 18 months of therapy after my ex & this guy was ok but its the last few days since our coffee date this behaviour has started

No, this guy was never OK.

He managed to pretend to be OK for a grand total of 2 weeks and one date. Lucky for you he's shit at pretending and couldn't keep it going any longer. Gave you a nice early warning to stay well away from him.

Now please please please heed that warning!

TwinklySquid · 24/10/2025 17:05

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 24/10/2025 08:07

I'll bet a hundred quid that it wasn't his ex that was the crazy one.

I’ve known a few men who claim to have crazy ex’s- funnily enough, there is never just one.

No woman is going to leave a good relationship when she has kids. It’s way too risky.

ChiliFiend · 24/10/2025 17:40

"His last ex treated him quite badly." That's a warning - it means either his ex did treat him badly, or that he's controlling and abusive, because saying that to your new girlfriend is a classic move for men in that category.

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