Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Im a bad person...

94 replies

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 08:20

Been speaking to a guy for 2 weeks & we've been on a coffee date.
His 42, a father of 4 kids, works full time. His last ex treated him quite badly.
When we first started talking it was great lots of laughing but the last few days when he messages Im dreading what he will say. Gone has this fun guy to be replaced with lots of family drama & obsessive messages. I was on the phone to a friend last night for about an hour & during this call I recieved 5 messages from him, just as I got off the phone I recieved another one & it was "take it your ignoring me, speak to you tomorrow but if you dont want to talk to me I understand". He's told his mum & kids about me, he's planning trips, weekends away etc. He even went as far as saying "I know you have a son but I can sort a babysitter so we can go out one evening" we live in different towns & would rather choose a babysitter i trust or a family member. Im at university 3 days a week, plus I work part-time & a single mum (which he knows) my free time is limited but if i go a few hours without messaging he just texts me saying "guess your busy speak to you later or not" when ive already said im at work or university. I even had to text a list of what I was doing everyday so he knew when I was free. I have reminded him its only been 2 weeks & one date so to just relax abit, slow it down, go with the flow but it doesn't seem to have made much difference. Am I a bad person to want to end this before it goes any further?

OP posts:
Lurleenlumpkin79 · 23/10/2025 09:22

Oh my god no. He sounds very toxic and obsessive. He's showing you the real him straight away though which is a good thing, block! 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Jammiesdodger · 23/10/2025 09:23

Get him gone.......

UpDownAllAround1 · 23/10/2025 09:24

Is he blocked yet?

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:29

I only came out of a domestic relationship 3 years ago & I was with him 8 years before I found the courage to leave. I lead a very private & quiet life now & dont need the drama. My phone is mainly silent during the day because my friends/family work but since talking to this guy its non stop.
He wanted to see me today but I made plans to go shopping with a friend & he said "I will come with you". It's all too much. Ive never been in a situation where I have to block them etc they usually ghost me then block me after a few days

OP posts:
Sevenamcoffee · 23/10/2025 09:31

Tell us he is not coming with you? Be brave and nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.

Wookiefiend · 23/10/2025 09:31

Absolutely not. You'd be very stupid to do anything other than block him.

I agree with others....can you really not see all the red flags?

waterrat · 23/10/2025 09:32

I'm concerned about your judgement if you give this man a second of your brain space.

He is needy, controlling, immature and beyond being horrribly unreasonable his behaviour is deeply unattractive.

elliesmummy19 · 23/10/2025 09:33

Jesus. It’s been two weeks. Block and never think about him again. This is far too much.

Fuzzyblank · 23/10/2025 09:34

I’ve had to do this several times! Completely
understand the feeling of dread when yet another text pops through. I always send a quick message and then block before they have a chance to try and argue back.

Skintone · 23/10/2025 09:36

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:29

I only came out of a domestic relationship 3 years ago & I was with him 8 years before I found the courage to leave. I lead a very private & quiet life now & dont need the drama. My phone is mainly silent during the day because my friends/family work but since talking to this guy its non stop.
He wanted to see me today but I made plans to go shopping with a friend & he said "I will come with you". It's all too much. Ive never been in a situation where I have to block them etc they usually ghost me then block me after a few days

It’s deeply concerning that you sound as if you’re slightly flattered by the attention!

And yes, of course he was ‘treated badly by his ex.’

BreadstickBurglar · 23/10/2025 09:36

Avoiding arseholes is actually classic good person behaviour. Congratulations!

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:38

Skintone · 23/10/2025 09:36

It’s deeply concerning that you sound as if you’re slightly flattered by the attention!

And yes, of course he was ‘treated badly by his ex.’

No Im not one for attention. Im the one who stands at the back or sticks to the shadows.

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 23/10/2025 09:39

Have you had some therapy after getting out of an abusive relationship? I think it would really help you to see red flags in the future (this new guy is a walking red flag).

The fact that you think you're a bad person in this situation is concerning. He's very much the one in the wrong and you should end it and block him.

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:40

Sakura7 · 23/10/2025 09:39

Have you had some therapy after getting out of an abusive relationship? I think it would really help you to see red flags in the future (this new guy is a walking red flag).

The fact that you think you're a bad person in this situation is concerning. He's very much the one in the wrong and you should end it and block him.

Yeah I had 18 months of therapy after my ex & this guy was ok but its the last few days since our coffee date this behaviour has started

OP posts:
BreadstickBurglar · 23/10/2025 09:42

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:40

Yeah I had 18 months of therapy after my ex & this guy was ok but its the last few days since our coffee date this behaviour has started

Well you’ve done all the right steps, you’ve spotted how dodgy he is, you’ve asked others for their views on his behaviour and you’re going to act on it. Feeling bad about it is something you’ll get over, he’s not feeling bad about trying to control you.

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:44

BreadstickBurglar · 23/10/2025 09:42

Well you’ve done all the right steps, you’ve spotted how dodgy he is, you’ve asked others for their views on his behaviour and you’re going to act on it. Feeling bad about it is something you’ll get over, he’s not feeling bad about trying to control you.

Thank you

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/10/2025 09:47

HereForTheFreeLunch · 23/10/2025 08:51

And of course his ex is the crazy one Hmm

That was the first thing in the OP’s post that made me roll my eyes too!

Comtesse · 23/10/2025 09:48

The 4 kids would have put me right off. Never mind the wider drama.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/10/2025 09:48

sesquipedalian · 23/10/2025 08:29

“the last few days when he messages Im dreading what he will say. Gone has this fun guy to be replaced with lots of family drama & obsessive messages.”

So delete and block. He sounds controlling, even this soon into your relationship. Quite apart from the fact that he has four children, he just doesn’t sound like a keeper. Throw this one back - you and your own DC deserve better.

Agreed.

Red Flags galore and this in particular.
"I know you have a son but I can sort a babysitter so we can go out one evening"

He wants to find a babysitter himself to ensure that you can pay him full attention? So that you cannot use the no babysitter excuse because he will organise one and talk to you non stop about his dramas and the ex who "treated him badly." whilst making more lists of how you spend your time. He's the father of four children but doesnt think its odd to organise a very new date's childcare from another city?

All this after a coffee date?

Run for the hills and don't look back.

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 23/10/2025 09:53

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 09:44

Thank you

Yes and don't feel bad. I'm sure if you spoke with his ex you would get a completely different story (the truth) than what he's told you.

ItalianGarden · 23/10/2025 10:09

You're not a bad person for feeling this way.
I would send a last message saying: I don't think we're compatible so I wish you all the best take care x and then block him. I wouldn't delete messages in case I need them in the future to I would hide them by archiving if you have that option or screenshot and hide the folder or email it to myself for future reference. I think ghosting is awful I'd only block immediately without a text if we had an argument in person so that was the ending or they were so awful and abusive to me in text or person, but just oversharing or being boring or intense, then I would send a last message.

Suednymph · 23/10/2025 10:13

I hope you do not have a bunny nor a big pot, this one sounds like he could become dangerously obsessive. Definitely end things asap before he finds out more of your personal information.

Sakura7 · 23/10/2025 10:21

BreadstickBurglar · 23/10/2025 09:42

Well you’ve done all the right steps, you’ve spotted how dodgy he is, you’ve asked others for their views on his behaviour and you’re going to act on it. Feeling bad about it is something you’ll get over, he’s not feeling bad about trying to control you.

Totally agree with this.

You should listen to your gut here OP and there's nothing to feel bad about. This man is not entitled to be with you, it's very early days and totally normal to decide you don't want to take things further.

Soozeedee · 23/10/2025 18:28

Run. Don't look back

strawgoh · 23/10/2025 18:55

You're not a bad person. He very much is.

Already, after such a short time, he is trying to control your every move, and to coerce you into doing what he wants. You need to run a mile from this one.