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Original poster

Im a bad person...

94 replies

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 08:20

Been speaking to a guy for 2 weeks & we've been on a coffee date.
His 42, a father of 4 kids, works full time. His last ex treated him quite badly.
When we first started talking it was great lots of laughing but the last few days when he messages Im dreading what he will say. Gone has this fun guy to be replaced with lots of family drama & obsessive messages. I was on the phone to a friend last night for about an hour & during this call I recieved 5 messages from him, just as I got off the phone I recieved another one & it was "take it your ignoring me, speak to you tomorrow but if you dont want to talk to me I understand". He's told his mum & kids about me, he's planning trips, weekends away etc. He even went as far as saying "I know you have a son but I can sort a babysitter so we can go out one evening" we live in different towns & would rather choose a babysitter i trust or a family member. Im at university 3 days a week, plus I work part-time & a single mum (which he knows) my free time is limited but if i go a few hours without messaging he just texts me saying "guess your busy speak to you later or not" when ive already said im at work or university. I even had to text a list of what I was doing everyday so he knew when I was free. I have reminded him its only been 2 weeks & one date so to just relax abit, slow it down, go with the flow but it doesn't seem to have made much difference. Am I a bad person to want to end this before it goes any further?

OP posts:
Wildefish · 23/10/2025 19:46

LA1988 · 23/10/2025 08:20

Been speaking to a guy for 2 weeks & we've been on a coffee date.
His 42, a father of 4 kids, works full time. His last ex treated him quite badly.
When we first started talking it was great lots of laughing but the last few days when he messages Im dreading what he will say. Gone has this fun guy to be replaced with lots of family drama & obsessive messages. I was on the phone to a friend last night for about an hour & during this call I recieved 5 messages from him, just as I got off the phone I recieved another one & it was "take it your ignoring me, speak to you tomorrow but if you dont want to talk to me I understand". He's told his mum & kids about me, he's planning trips, weekends away etc. He even went as far as saying "I know you have a son but I can sort a babysitter so we can go out one evening" we live in different towns & would rather choose a babysitter i trust or a family member. Im at university 3 days a week, plus I work part-time & a single mum (which he knows) my free time is limited but if i go a few hours without messaging he just texts me saying "guess your busy speak to you later or not" when ive already said im at work or university. I even had to text a list of what I was doing everyday so he knew when I was free. I have reminded him its only been 2 weeks & one date so to just relax abit, slow it down, go with the flow but it doesn't seem to have made much difference. Am I a bad person to want to end this before it goes any further?

Run….

LifeSurvior · 23/10/2025 20:07

Noooo.
Run!
It's supposed to be fun and exciting at the beginning of dating!
Not dreading his calls after two weeks and a coffee date!
If he's bringing negative many vibes and constantly wanting to ring you and being passive aggressive when you are not available there are GLARING big🚩🚩🚩
Exit the situation ASAP, just say you are busy at uni, exams, coursework, son and you have decided it's not a good time for dating after all.
Then block.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2025 20:28

from the first line about his awful ex I thought get rid of him, then it got worse. Block him and don’t let him near your child!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/10/2025 20:29

I bet his child’s mother has some stories to tell!

AlpacaBiscuit · 23/10/2025 20:31

The moment you said his ex treated him badly I knew.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 23/10/2025 20:48

As others have said, many red flags. But even if it is all innocent - he really does have a crazy ex (some people do!), and he is just quite intense, you dont owe him anything.

The minute it feels too much, intrusive, or you find yourself dreading interactions, its ok to say enough is enough and end it. Does not make you bad, just means you are not compatible.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 23/10/2025 21:21

DisplayPurposesOnly · 23/10/2025 08:22

No. You are a sensible person to want to end this before it goes any further.

Agreed. While I have some sympathy for his situation. It sounds like he has been badly hurt, is lonely and clingy. I would be kind and give him some honest, but diplomatic feedback. I would say something like ‘I really like you a lot and enjoyed our first date, but I don’t think this is working out. You’re moving a bit faster than I would like to and it has put me off. I wish you well as you’re a lovely guy and I’m sure you will find someone else, but maybe just try and take it slower with them next time.’

Pessismistic · 23/10/2025 21:23

Yes op you’re right he is too much. Just a quick text this isn’t what I’m looking for right now I like my freedom and quiet time your too much for me it’s too early on in dating I hope you find someone else who likes this attention.

Whappy · 23/10/2025 21:25

You are very very very bad at keeping yourself safe and recognising good relationships. Keep yourself safe and get out quickly.

gamerchick · 23/10/2025 21:37

He's not ready at all to date anyone OP. It'll be kinder to end it now.

He doesn't know where you live though does he?

CrazyGoatLady · 23/10/2025 21:39

Run very fast in the opposite direction! This man needs a therapist, not a partner.

3luckystars · 23/10/2025 21:46

You are not a bad person, but he is very bad for you. You cannot get into a relationship with this creep. End it now before he escalates it even more.

LuceeeeeLoobieeel · 23/10/2025 21:52

I did not get past this:

His last ex treated him quite badly

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TheExcitersblowingupmymind · 23/10/2025 21:55

LuceeeeeLoobieeel · 23/10/2025 21:52

I did not get past this:

His last ex treated him quite badly

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

That old chestnut..the crazy ex.
He's a nut 🤯🤯.
As for the rest how could you be arsed one date in.
Block and move on.

tragichero · 23/10/2025 22:06

I understand your confliction - a lot of us moms in our 40s I think when we start dating face the same.

There are loads of blokes that just want a casual shag and make no effort. So we dump and block. Then you find one who seems interested in you as a genuine person, not just for sex, and you think, well hello!

But all too often those ones want too much, too soon. They want to parachute us into full time commitment, when we aren't ready for that at all (or even if we are, we want to be choosy about who we commit to, quite rightly).

It's absolutely valid to dump and block a guy for wanting too much too soon, too. I have done the same. And I felt bad because it was after the second date and I had shagged him (which was lovely, but....). He clearly saw us as an item at that point, and I just didn't.

You are fully entitled to go with your gut at this point. Just send a polite message saying he isn't the one for you. You are not ready for a relationship, whatever. Then block without guilt.

You owe him nothing. And there ARE men out there who can offer what you maybe want, if that is fun and friendship and romance without the whole full on RELATIONSHIP straight away deal.....

They just take a bit of finding. I have found one, finally. And so can you.

Good luck! And stay true to yourself. You didn't escape from what you went through before, to ever let a guy make you feel unhappy or trapped again.

You owe it to yourself not to. So don't
Xxx

GreatTheCat · 23/10/2025 22:27

Leave, and never look back.

NotSayingBotBut · 24/10/2025 01:02

Two weeks, one coffee & you're already feeling bad & claustrophobic OP.

You are absolutely right to recognise it's not right & tell him it's not working for you

BreadstickBurglar · 24/10/2025 07:08

How are you feeling today @LA1988 did you manage to cut things off with Mr Controlling?

cosietea · 24/10/2025 07:14

You’ll be putting yourself and your son in danger if you continue this. Be stronger and get more therapy before dating again, your judgement is skewed.

FirstdatesFred · 24/10/2025 07:17

Why are you overthinking it?
He's not for you. Far too intense. That's fine, move on,
Plus he can't spell you're

Outnumbered1983 · 24/10/2025 07:18

you have posted as your gut is telling you something is off and it’s making you feel uncomfortable, listen to how you feel and trust your instincts.

TwinklySquid · 24/10/2025 07:50

Well done for noticing this odd behaviour. Just send a text saying you aren’t emotionally in the right place for a relationship right now and block him.

No5ChalksRoad · 24/10/2025 07:51

Run for the hills.

Original poster
LA1988 · 24/10/2025 07:59

BreadstickBurglar · 24/10/2025 07:08

How are you feeling today @LA1988 did you manage to cut things off with Mr Controlling?

Thank you for asking.
I did talk to him last night & explained how he was making me feel. He tried to say he would back off & slow things down but he really liked me thats why he was being so intense but then he said he had told his mum & kids all about me & i said it was better that this ended because it wasn't right that he was telling people about me after only 2 weeks especially his kids. Forgot to block him straight away due to being at university all day yesterday & by the time I got home he had sent 5 messages begging me to change my mind & give him another chance so I blocked him. Woken up today with a sense of relief.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 24/10/2025 08:04

Well done for blocking, he sounds bonkers. Bet you feel a lot less bad now and very relieved! Trust your gut more in future and put your own needs over the feelings of guys like this.