Just wasting my time waiting on marriage?

[Matchalover]

Been with partner for 6.5 years and were friends for a few years before we got together. I am approaching mid thirties. We live together and have a dog and don't plan for kids. Problem is that I want to get married and he knows this so at what point should you just call it a day? We have talked about it so many times and when we initially got together we agreed we would be married in a few years. Anytime I bring it up he says he wants to get married too but then just blows past any timeline and says I am putting too much pressure on him. I know marriage shouldnt be important really but it matters to me due to my background and feel at this point he is just stringing me along. I have tried to take it into my own hands but as above he says it's too much pressure!

He’s future faking you. People do, even the so called ‘best of men’ will, if they don’t want to commit to marriage.
Resentment will build up more and more if you allow this to go on.
In my opinion, now is the time to get out.

I had same situation years ago. He'd never quite get around to actually do anything about it. So I booked registrar, phoned him at work and said 'what are you doing on 5th September?' He said 'it's a Thursday, so working' I said 'put it in your diary......you are getting married'. In his lunch break, so no need for time off work. Grabbed 2 people from street as witnesses. We always said we'd have a reception when we could afford it. 34 years later still haven't had the party, but that's because (we are both) appalling at 'getting round to doing it'.

Some of this is incorrect - relying on AI requires very clear prompts (did you specify the country?) and requesting and double checking sources.

The next of kin statement including the rights attached, for example, isn't automatically correct (next of kin doesn't necessarily actually mean anything at all).

You don't need to tell him you are giving an ultimatum. Have one last comversation. If he makes excuses, then start living a more independent life, while living with him. Go out with friends, start hobbies/classes etc. be less available to him. Tell yourself you will do this for 6 minths. Then if he does not appear to want marriage, leave him.

You will have had your 6 months to get used to living a more independent life. If he questions you during the 6 months tell him that there is no promise of marriage from him, and that you have to prioritise your own life, above the relationship Let him see that you have one foot out the door for a few months. If he doesn't mention marriage, you have your amswer..

Sounds like a total mismatch from the off...why on earth she thought marriage was the right thing to do is beyond me.

@TheFiveLakes , Living together and marriage - legal differences - Citizens Advice

@Matchalover and @Lucy4567 didn't mention which country, and I gave the source for the information I posted.

Strange post. OP can go out with friends and have hobbies/take classes now, and so could a married woman as long as any caring responsibilities are sorted

If OP turns him down every time he asks if wants to go out for a drink/meal out/cinema or even just watch telly then the relationship is doomed anyway whether they're married or not.. And I take it she should turn down sex too?

There's no relationship left after all that, they'd just be flatmates.

I never wanted to get married but charge my mind after the father of my DD died. I was left with nothing, entitled to nothing, having to scramble moving out of my home for the past decade because again, not my name on the contract. Never again.

Eventually I started a new relationship and he knows I want to get married if we’re ever to move in together etc. He’s probably more keen than me even, but if he had ever gone with the “you’re putting pressure on me!!” it would give me major pause and red flags.

A relative has just been dumped after 20 years and no marriage and frankly I don’t want that for myself. At least hopefully time to build some assets.

The source you gave was "copilot search" - that's just the tool you used, not the source. Your copilot compilation contains some incorrect information in comparison to the new link to the Citizens Advice (the CA link is for England, so I assume that was your intention), which correctly states that "Next of kin has no legal meaning" (the direct opposite of the information the copilot search gave you).

Marriage does certainly provide a different and much more extensive set of legal rights and responsibilities over living together (especially with regards to inheritance where there is no will) but it's really important people don't incorrectly assume it covers things which actually require lasting power of attorney or living will (ADRT) or other legal documents.

I know that's nit picky but so many people get caught out, not only by thinking living together is legally not much different to marriage (which isn't true) but also about what rights marriage gives the spouse of someone suddenly and unexpectedly unable to act for themselves - marriage alone isn't enough in this situation.

@TheFiveLakes , I could have posted 'I'm a family lawyer and you're right, it's just a piece of paper that means nothing at all'.
Go and pick someone else's nits. I'm not interested.

Well what's the point of your posting AI searches containing incorrect information as though they are fact (and prefaced by bemoaning the fact some people are ignorant)?

She loved him and even asked him if they could try again but he left her for the affair partner. You probably wouldn’t say it was a total mismatch if it was a low earning woman and a high earning man I’m guessing.

If marriage is important to you then make it clear that it is non negotiable. Tell him that you want to set a date or the relationship is over and be prepared to leave him if he still tries to fob you off.

Personally I would just dump him right now for wasting your time though...

Depends if you're willing to wait 🤔 and if you think he will actually go through with it or is just stalling. What actual recent conversations have you had about it?

Personally I've been with partner almost 11 years 😳🤯. Marriage is something we both want....it's just more of an "eventually" thing than a priority (no plans to have kids). In fact the recent discussion was we are concentrating on finding somewhere to live so it's not going to be in the next year, which is fine cos I have far too much other stress ATM anyway!! (Yes I know Mumsnet will tell me he never wants to get married but he does he's just pretty socially awkward/possibly autistic and something that overwhelms him cos he wants to do it right but has no clue about how to do it all in his eyes "properly" 🤣 - yes I have directed him to Google- and we both have a hefty dose of social anxiety which makes an actual wedding an uneappaling and anxiety inducing event for us both)

But I do feel we ARE on the same page and in agreement.

Have you and your partner sat down and discussed any kind of timeline?

@TheFiveLakes , you are just derailing the thread now. This thread is in Relationships not Legal matters.

I think if he wanted marriage, he would have done it by now. He's obviously reluctant for whatever reason. You don't want to marry someone who doesn't really want to marry you. If I were you I would walk away now.

I fell pregnant earlier on, much wanted surprise. Had no worries at all for years. Until he split my ear and the abuse started. I wouldn’t have married him because I wouldn’t marry anyone. It is of no interest to me and never has been. Not about ‘deep down’ feelings of him being marriage material. You guessed wrong with me, I’m afraid.

He probably does love you .. just doesn’t love you enough. He knows it’s important to you yet he still can’t bring himself to marry you as he knows what it means and you don’t mean enough .. enough for now .. maybe forever if someone else doesn’t come along. I’d have one last conversation but I’d be looking at the exit if I’m honest .. men like this eventually leave for someone else anyway and usually the wedding which they were completely adverse too arrives at lightning speed 🤷‍♀️

Doesn't matter what he says, look at his actions. Sorry to be harsh but if he wanted to marry you, he would have. Money or no money.

I am sure he cares for you very much but you are not the one for him 💐

OP, only you know if you are prepared to put up with the status quo, or if you are prepared to split up and sell your property.
You can't make him marry you, think about how you see yourself in 5 years time, if you're happy to remain in the relationship without a ring, all good; if you're not, do something about it sooner rather than later.

Personally, I don’t blame him. I would never want you to get legally attached again. You need to consider if your desire for marriage is worth splitting up over.

It doesn't have to be a blow out ending. You just make your plans and go.

Unfortunately you've shown him that your words and boundaries are meaningless. Don't repeat that.

If he wanted to he would. Anything he says now is lies.

Can he explain the nature of the ‘pressure’ and what his difficulty is? And why he sees it more as a pressure than an opportunity?

Does he earn loads more than you or have or expect big wealth from his family?

Has he been married before?

Is he wary of marrying into ‘your background’ ( your reason for being keen on marriage)

He's stringing you along, he doesn't want to get married for x and y reasons, it may be money or fear ot comittment. I would sit with him and explore what is he so afraid of. Ultimately you may need to choose whats more important for you: this man or a ring in your finger.