Just wasting my time waiting on marriage?

[Matchalover]

Been with partner for 6.5 years and were friends for a few years before we got together. I am approaching mid thirties. We live together and have a dog and don't plan for kids. Problem is that I want to get married and he knows this so at what point should you just call it a day? We have talked about it so many times and when we initially got together we agreed we would be married in a few years. Anytime I bring it up he says he wants to get married too but then just blows past any timeline and says I am putting too much pressure on him. I know marriage shouldnt be important really but it matters to me due to my background and feel at this point he is just stringing me along. I have tried to take it into my own hands but as above he says it's too much pressure!

Frankly - given you are not planning to have kids - and thus not going to step back in your career and depend on him - not sure why make a big deal about it now.
Just because other people around you are getting married - is not a good reason.

You own a home together. If the relationship is good otherwise and he gives you most of what you’d want from a partner - I’d chill and take a breath.
You won’t easily find someone that is perfect on all dimensions and wants marriage as well.

With no kids pressure - there is no rush. Give it more tine?

The most stupid opinion on mn, and irl , ever.

You’re being strung along here by him.

I would cut your losses now and leave him. It’s not too late for you by means to start over and be with a man who does want to marry you.

Why is it so stupid? They don’t have children. What does OP have to be “protected” from? For women who out-earn their partner marriage can be a disaster. My friend is a highly successful professional earning a really good salary. She fell in love with this “struggling musician” who worked part time in admin and made about a quarter of her salary. They got married because she thought it was the right thing to do. He cheated on her and she’s had to pay him a shitload of money that she earned that he’s now using to buy a house with his affair partner.

I've never understood this - If it's just a bit of paper and means nothing, he might as well just do it.
If he's 'freezing' and refusing it clearly IS a massive deal to him.

OP remind him one last time you want marriage.
Then in your mind, set a limit - give him 6 months. This gives you time to save, sort your living arrangements, go for that promotion, whatever you need to do for you.

Then when it expires be fully prepared to leave the man-child to whatever youthfulness he thinks he's clinging onto by not being married to you. It's such a turn off.

He might love you, and to give him the benefit of the doubt he probably does. But he has everything he wants already. There’s no incentive to be married for him. If he wanted to you’d already be engaged.
How important is marriage to you? Enough to leave the relationship? If it is then you need to have that conversation. Be prepared to leave what might be a happy relationship to be single and spend time alone before you meet someone who wants what you want.
Don’t give up on your life goal or it’ll eat away at you. But weigh up what you have and whether you’re prepared to leave that for what you want. You’ve spent long enough waiting in limbo.

Why do you want to marry someone who either future faked you or who has changed his mind but is to chicken to say so? Have a word with yourself because you can and should do better.

I personally would lose all respect for him and be getting Estate Agents in sharpish to value the house prior to potentially selling or buying out.

I don’t think I would give him an ultimatum either.

What a rubbish situation for you.

Could you try asking him in a genuinely curious way what it is about marriage that he's avoiding? Maybe it's that he doesn't want to risk losing money if you divorced, or he believes that relationships go wrong after marriage, or he'd feel stupid making vows in front of his family, or something else entirely.
If he says it's the cost, work out the cheapest way you could do it - eg registry office with two friends as witnesses followed by cake and a bottle of wine at home, secondhand wedding rings, wearing something you already have. That would cost around three hundred pounds and you could tell him you don't believe he is really worried about that.
Also be ready to explain why getting married means a lot to you. If it's just 'all my friends are married' he may reasonably say that on its own, that is not a good reason, so try to tease out what it is.
If you can't communicate about something important as this, it doesn't bode well for your relationship, married or not.

You need to decide whether you want marriage or whether you want him.

It'd be good if people stopped diminishing childfree peoples lives. Marriage matters to anyone who wants it, regardless of having a kid or not.

The real question is whether the OP would want to remain in a long-term relationship with someone who appears unable or unwilling to make that commitment.

It wouldn't matter either way in that case - he'll be fine with popping to a registry office just to get the bit of paper his beloved wife - sorry long term girlfriend - wants so much.

If it's just a bit of paper then why wouldn't he do that for the live of his life, with whom he's been living for years, no need to spend money beyond the fee to give notice and the basic registry office fee - shouldn't come to more than £150.

I'm sure the OP can pay his half if he's absolutely skint - or it could be his Christmas present to her, just a bit of paper she's wanted for years which will make her happy...

That shows that "it's just a piece of paper" is a very stupid thing to say though doesn't it! It was a lot more than that for your friend. Terrible or fantastic or anything in between, it's a serious legal contract - it's not just a bit of paper!

6.5 years is plenty of time, don't be daft.

Yes true I guess but I think my friend regrets listening to everyone who told her to get married because it’s the “thing to do”.

OP, I wouldn’t want to get married to anyone who I’d had to give an ultimatum to. So I wouldn’t be marrying this guy at all.

OP I would as someone above suggested, dig deeper about the reasons.
It could be he doesn’t want to get married to anyone, it could be he doesn’t want to marry you. Given he’s brought a house with you I would guess it’s the former. You need to consider if you can accept a long term relationship with no marriage or whether it’s a complete deal breaker for you,

I need to consider what to do as either way, if I give an ultimatum I'm going to feel like I forced him into it and I don't want that either. I feel he's either future faked or it's that he doesn't really want to marry me which is probably what I am feeling insecure about. Tbh he does have everything he wants so what's the incentive for him to do it if he's not that bothered.

Absolutely. I'm not saying anyone should get married - just that I absolutely agree with the comment that "it's just a bit of paper" is a million miles from being true (for better or for worse)!

Suggest the basic registry office wedding on the next available date allowing for registration first (no need to check availability, just say it's what you'd like to do and it should be under £200, no need for fuss). If he says no to that without any concrete reasons except not wanting to rush (after six years and being in your mid 30s this is no longer a reason) then you'll know he's hedging his bets.

I'm in my 50s and know more than one woman my age who lived with a "partner" over 20 years, both saying that they were happy as they were, didn't want marriage or kids, no need etc. only for the man to have an affair with, impregnate and marry a significantly younger woman when their woman "partner" reached her late 40s/ 50s (perimenopause/ menopause, definitely not fertile any longer...).

Marriage doesn't stop that happening of course, but it adds an administrative hurdle 😂

Not being married to the father of my children saved mine and my children’s future when I asked him to leave. I’m sure a divorce would have cost me heavily - financially, mentally and emotionally. To me, it would have been the most damaging piece of paper I could ever have possessed. For some people, marriage is security and commitment, for others nothing but a nightmare.

If you don’t align, you need to address this OP. Very difficult when there is so much love but other things don’t line up. Would some time apart help?

Oh and as to "what's the incentive" - the incentive is that you are the love of his life and this is incredibly important to you, and he has always told you he wants marriage too...

Something in that sentence is obviously not true any more.

@Lucy4567
Whats a bit of paper, means nothing these days !
It amazes me that people are so ignorant.

Its only a bit of paper, your relationship is more important
It won't be just a piece of paper if the relationship breaks down. or if one of them dies.

Key Legal Benefits of Marriage
Tax Benefits: Married couples can file their taxes jointly, which often results in a lower overall tax liability. This is particularly beneficial when there is a significant income disparity between spouses. Additionally, married couples may qualify for various tax credits and deductions that are not available to single filers.

Healthcare Decisions: Being married grants spouses the legal right to make medical decisions for each other in case one partner becomes incapacitated. This includes the ability to access medical records and make choices regarding treatment.

Inheritance Rights: In the absence of a will, a spouse has automatic inheritance rights, meaning they can inherit the entire estate without incurring taxes. This is a significant advantage over unmarried partners, who may not have such rights.

Asset Protection: Marriage creates a legal distinction between marital and separate property. Generally, assets acquired during the marriage are considered marital property, which can provide protection in the event of divorce. Additionally, certain forms of property ownership, like "tenancy by the entirety," can protect marital property from creditors.

Social Security and Retirement Benefits: Married individuals may be entitled to spousal benefits under Social Security, which can include receiving a portion of a spouse's benefits upon their passing. This can provide financial security for the surviving spouse.

Legal Next-of-Kin Status: Marriage automatically designates a spouse as the next of kin, which is crucial for legal matters, including making decisions about burial and cremation, as well as being involved in wrongful death lawsuits.

These legal benefits not only enhance financial security but also provide essential rights and protections that can significantly impact a couple's life together. Understanding these advantages can help couples make informed decisions about their relationship and future.

(from Copilot search)

You tell yourself that. You'd be wrong though. Why do you think gay couples fought for marriage and not even just civil partnership?

I'm guessing you knew deep down that he was not good marriage material though,otherwise you would have married. I'm not sure I would have chosen to have children with anyone in that category for obvious reasons, I'm a staunch advocate for the traditional thing of getting married before having children, but I guess that some women end up falling for wrong 'uns and don't realise till it's too late and they've already had children with them.