Partner has been keeping a secret

[MummaDaisy]

Hi Everyone,
just looking for some perspective on something I’ve been going through recently.

last month, my partner came in from work very worried as he has been having bad symptoms such as stomach aches, chest pain, back pain and /refluxing brown liquid/coffee grounds. I told him to ring 111, but before this he said he needed to tell me something. My heart honestly dropped because he had tears in his eyes I was so worried.

he told me he has been vaping. For 2.5 years. We have been together just over 5 years. So for nearly half the relationship he has kept this secret. I don’t know how I haven’t ever noticed. In the beginning of our relationship, he did vape as he was quitting smoking. He successfully ditched the vape (or so I thought) after 6 months. Since then I have had absolutely no clue.

we have been together since I was 19 and he was 21 so I guess it was more acceptable to me back then when we were younger and I never made him feel bad about it and let him quit in his own time. He was already quitting before we got together so it wasn’t for me- I didn’t force it but obviously he knows I don’t like it.

He said it started after we had issues trying for a baby. I had 3 miscarriages including one during my second trimester where I had to give birth. He said he felt he couldn’t cope and went back to it. Then felt like he couldn’t tell me because he was scared of loosing me. But as I said before it wasn’t a deal breaker so I have so clue why he thought he couldn’t tell me.

Im upset for so many reasons, obviously him putting his health at risk, potentially endangering me/his now children, the length of the lie/secret, the amount of money spent on it in the last 2.5 years when I was trying to support him getting out of debt and trying to be understanding of why he couldn’t afford an engagement ring yet. I feel like a fool. I never had any doubts or any distrust towards him (probably why I never even realised he was doing it in all that time). I know it’s ’just A vape’ as so many people keep telling me, but it’s not about what he did it’s about the lie. I now just think can I even trust him?

Im just looking for some perspective. I don’t want to ruin my relationship/family over this as aside from this/some issues likely arising due to undiagnosed ADHD, he is a very good partner and dad. BUT at the same time I thought time would make it easier but I find myself getting more angry/resentful as time goes on and wonder will I ever fully forgive and trust him again?

thanks for reading it all- I know it’s long! Please he kind im feeling fragile!

I would be more worried about his potentially serious symptoms and worry about the vaping later. What tests or treatment has he had?

Hang on - he had stomach aches, chest pain, back pain and was refluxing.. but your concern is that he was vaping?

OP, as this conversation happened a month ago I think you will need to give commenters assurance that your DP has received the treatment he needs as the symptoms you listed are very concerning and somewhat of a red herring to the point of the post which is the secret vaping.

I would find this very difficult to be OK with. As you said, it is not the act of vaping in itself which would necessarily be the concern, but the lying for 2.5 years. This is a very big abuse of trust and there needs to be a lot of work that your DP puts in if he wants to rebuild this. I don't think I would be able to get over the lie TBH.

Wish you well.

I get that you're upset he's been lying but it's really not a huge issue he's lying about so I think if you can just draw a line and promise that there won't be any more lies about anything moving forward you can put this behind you.

In the meantime, concentrate on finding out what's wrong with him and hopefully it's something which is easily resolved.

How would OP be able to believe him though, if he promised there would be no more lies? He has lied for 2.5 years and apparently vaped in secret, doing an act every day he knew he was lying about and made peace with this. Only told OP when he was in fear of his life. What else could he be lying about? Does he enjoy lying? Why didn't he respect OP enough to tell her (not buying the "oh I knew you wouldn't like it/would be upset" bs.)

Hi yes of course I was seriously worried about his symptoms and he went straight to a&e! Turns out he has GORD. So just reflux and he has has omeprazole, antibiotics for h-pylori and has completely stopped any form of nicotine as that worsens symptoms and has made changes to his diet to reduce symptoms. Just reassuring you all that he is feeling nearly completely back to normal. Of course I was worried about his health first but now that is resolved I am still finding these feelings of distrust which is what I am asking about in terms of perspective!

Vaping isn't something which affects her if he's not doing it around her, so I don't get why it's such a big issue.
If I told my partner I'd given up chocolate and was having a secret KitKat when he wasn't around it's not worth ending a relationship over is it?

That he vaped and didn't tell you doesn't seem that big a deal to me (unless it was consuming his life) - but the fact that he had tears in his eyes when he told you suggests it was a big lie to him.

And that might be the crux of the issue.

I get what you’re saying but t in some ways it does affect me. Vaping is a serious health risk whereas a Kit Kat here are there definitely won’t kill you. He could he putting his life at risk. Also second hand chemicals can affect me and his children, a Kit Kat cannot.

like even though you say it doesn’t affect me, I guess like I said it’s not the vaping I was upset about, it’s the lie.

Vaping is probably only a serious health risk if you do it heavily

According to Google AI...
Obesity contributes to significantly more deaths than vaping in the UK, with an estimated 31,000 deaths per year from heart and circulatory diseases alone. While vaping has been linked to a small number of deaths, primarily through specific lung injuries, it is not a major cause of death in the same way as obesity and is considered far less harmful than smoking, says GOV.UK.

If he's doing it when he's not with you then 'second hand chemicals' won't affect you. There's no evidence that passive vaping is harmful anyway.

I'm glad he's doing better now healthwise, I hope you can find a way to move past the lying issue. It's not nice but if you can draw a line and promise to both be 100% truthful I hope you can put this behind you.

Bottom line lying about something for 2.5 years is a huge red flag no matter what it is imo. Also if OP wanted more children in future there is research that shows vaping can impact fertility. May not be directly physically harmful if he’s doing it out of the house but absolutely harmful in other ways. I don’t know how anyone could be comfortable with a lie of 2.5 years no matter what it is.

I personally would find this very hard to forgive and move past but then again I absolutely hate vaping so appreciate I might have a more harsh stance. How old is your child now? Can you be absolutely sure he hasn’t vaped when it’s just been him and them? Lying for over 2 years to then only tell you because he’s scared for his health and he wants support from you is just not right, he clearly never intended on telling you or stopping. I think it would be different if he was still using it as a tool to quit smoking but as you said in your original post, he had quit 6 months in then picked it up again years later. I am glad his health is doing better x

Well second hand chemicals can only affect you and the children if he is vaping around you. Which he clearly isn't.

It's vaping, not crack.

It's not a hill I'd die on TBH. Unless you feel he is dishonest about other things.

Perspective is needed. Vaping is not a crime, it's not banned, it's not the worst thing in the world compared to smoking cigarettes anyway IMV.

There's something deeper going on here I think.

Vaping is addictive and he was to embarrassed to tell you .

It’s a vape, not heroin

To me vaping isn't that bad. Nobody would ever feel the need to keep it secret from me, put it that way.

The symptoms he's suffering sound serious, not anything to do with vaping for a couple of years. Vomitting coffee grounds means internal bleeding. Stomach, liver issues etc.

I hope he is better soon. Maybe this will make him more likely to quit but I don't think it's due to vaping that he's sick.

I would be upset too but it sounds like you generally have a good relationship and young children so what is important now is how he addresses the issue and how you both move forward.

Genuine apology, no vaping, no lying. Would you be happy to put it behind you if you had that assurance?

Well, you’ve said his vaping wasn’t a deal-breaker previously and he’s obviously needed it for support during some tough times so why not just agree that he can vape when not around you - and then just move on with the proviso that honesty is the key.

@MummaDaisy op are you sure it’s just vaping? It’s seems such a massive confession from him for a vape. .
Are you very my rules or it’s over kind of person ?
Why does he have debt? I know you said he was treated for acid reflux . Is there defiantly no drug use ?

@MummaDaisy "...as aside from this/some issues likely arising due to undiagnosed ADHD, he is a very good partner and dad."

He shouldn't have to keep something as trivial as vaping a secret. However, it was the above that rang alarm bells with me. What are these "issues"? And, whatever behaviour these "issues" trigger - I'm guessing not good - why are you excusing it with "undiagnosed ADHD"? If he were diagnosed, would it make his behaviour any more acceptable?

(btw: I'm male.)

Tha yes exactly how I feel. I definitely want more children! That’s another reason im angry- we know vaping can affect fertility and the reason he started was after the second (late) miscarriage. I then went on to have another. He sat there while I blamed myself for it all and didn’t say anything then, and I had to deal with the loss on my own without something to take the edge off.

so part of me is angry because he was doing it while we were still trying for a baby and potentiwllt increasing my chances of another miscarriage. it just feels like a slap in the face.

We have a 20 month old and a 2 month old. So this was a big shock just a few weeks PP.

im also really not a fan of vaping which is probably affecting my stance too. But I accepted that he was a vaper when I first got with him and so I can’t go against him for that. But part of me is really embarrassed for him because I do feel like it’s a very childish habit and it kind of gives me the ick at this stage of my life.

And to the people saying it’s a vape not crack/heroin. Yes I know and like I said im not angry about the vape it’s the lie that’s the worst part. But if it is JUST a vape- why couldn’t he tell me when he knew I didn’t have a problem with it?