Partner has been keeping a secret

[MummaDaisy]

Hi Everyone,
just looking for some perspective on something I’ve been going through recently.

last month, my partner came in from work very worried as he has been having bad symptoms such as stomach aches, chest pain, back pain and /refluxing brown liquid/coffee grounds. I told him to ring 111, but before this he said he needed to tell me something. My heart honestly dropped because he had tears in his eyes I was so worried.

he told me he has been vaping. For 2.5 years. We have been together just over 5 years. So for nearly half the relationship he has kept this secret. I don’t know how I haven’t ever noticed. In the beginning of our relationship, he did vape as he was quitting smoking. He successfully ditched the vape (or so I thought) after 6 months. Since then I have had absolutely no clue.

we have been together since I was 19 and he was 21 so I guess it was more acceptable to me back then when we were younger and I never made him feel bad about it and let him quit in his own time. He was already quitting before we got together so it wasn’t for me- I didn’t force it but obviously he knows I don’t like it.

He said it started after we had issues trying for a baby. I had 3 miscarriages including one during my second trimester where I had to give birth. He said he felt he couldn’t cope and went back to it. Then felt like he couldn’t tell me because he was scared of loosing me. But as I said before it wasn’t a deal breaker so I have so clue why he thought he couldn’t tell me.

Im upset for so many reasons, obviously him putting his health at risk, potentially endangering me/his now children, the length of the lie/secret, the amount of money spent on it in the last 2.5 years when I was trying to support him getting out of debt and trying to be understanding of why he couldn’t afford an engagement ring yet. I feel like a fool. I never had any doubts or any distrust towards him (probably why I never even realised he was doing it in all that time). I know it’s ’just A vape’ as so many people keep telling me, but it’s not about what he did it’s about the lie. I now just think can I even trust him?

Im just looking for some perspective. I don’t want to ruin my relationship/family over this as aside from this/some issues likely arising due to undiagnosed ADHD, he is a very good partner and dad. BUT at the same time I thought time would make it easier but I find myself getting more angry/resentful as time goes on and wonder will I ever fully forgive and trust him again?

thanks for reading it all- I know it’s long! Please he kind im feeling fragile!

Thank you for sharing! That’s how I feel also! Like I don’t know him in a way. I always thought he was perfect and could do no wrong so it was just a huge huge shock.

he also admitted that he gaslit me also as he had opportunities to admit his lie. Even at times I noticed he would seem stressed/withdrawn as he said he tried to quit numerous times during. I would mention his change in mood and he would get upset/angry with me and gaslit me into thinking that I was the problem/ or that I was making up his mood swings and distanced mood.

I am quite different to him also so perhaps he did feel some shame. It’s interesting to hear how many have undiagnosed ADHD. It gives me more confidence that he perhaps didn’t lie because he doesn’t respect me.

I gave up smoking for 6 months ,but went back to it everyone in my house thought i had given up .I use to smoke at the end of the road or in the garden when no one was in .I was embarrassed because i had no will power .Honestly it’s not about him not respecting you it is so hard .

@MummaDaisyyeah, it’s really hard to navigate it especially if you yourself are neurodivergent but it being autism- they clash a lot so I can appreciate how hard it is from your side. If you are in England have a look on ADHDuk website under ‘Right to choose’ I myself was on the nhs local waitlist for nearly 3 years then went through right to choose, cost me nothing and it’s under the nhs. Referred end of Jan , assessment may and diagnosed and then June I got medication which has been life changing.

Maybe he was more traumatised than you realised about the miscarriages but didn't want to add to your woes and make it about him, knowing that it was you that had actually suffered it and he was a bystander, so the vaping was his way of coping, and he knew you wouldn't like it.

I'm really glad I gave up smoking before getting pg because there's no way I'd have been able to later, what with all the stress.

I don't know anything about vaping and addiction (apart from a friend saying she wanted to vape all the time) but one every couple of days doesn't sound like much to me. If he's able to go a day without, then if he now wants to give up, he should be able to.