Partner has been keeping a secret

[MummaDaisy]

Hi Everyone,
just looking for some perspective on something I’ve been going through recently.

last month, my partner came in from work very worried as he has been having bad symptoms such as stomach aches, chest pain, back pain and /refluxing brown liquid/coffee grounds. I told him to ring 111, but before this he said he needed to tell me something. My heart honestly dropped because he had tears in his eyes I was so worried.

he told me he has been vaping. For 2.5 years. We have been together just over 5 years. So for nearly half the relationship he has kept this secret. I don’t know how I haven’t ever noticed. In the beginning of our relationship, he did vape as he was quitting smoking. He successfully ditched the vape (or so I thought) after 6 months. Since then I have had absolutely no clue.

we have been together since I was 19 and he was 21 so I guess it was more acceptable to me back then when we were younger and I never made him feel bad about it and let him quit in his own time. He was already quitting before we got together so it wasn’t for me- I didn’t force it but obviously he knows I don’t like it.

He said it started after we had issues trying for a baby. I had 3 miscarriages including one during my second trimester where I had to give birth. He said he felt he couldn’t cope and went back to it. Then felt like he couldn’t tell me because he was scared of loosing me. But as I said before it wasn’t a deal breaker so I have so clue why he thought he couldn’t tell me.

Im upset for so many reasons, obviously him putting his health at risk, potentially endangering me/his now children, the length of the lie/secret, the amount of money spent on it in the last 2.5 years when I was trying to support him getting out of debt and trying to be understanding of why he couldn’t afford an engagement ring yet. I feel like a fool. I never had any doubts or any distrust towards him (probably why I never even realised he was doing it in all that time). I know it’s ’just A vape’ as so many people keep telling me, but it’s not about what he did it’s about the lie. I now just think can I even trust him?

Im just looking for some perspective. I don’t want to ruin my relationship/family over this as aside from this/some issues likely arising due to undiagnosed ADHD, he is a very good partner and dad. BUT at the same time I thought time would make it easier but I find myself getting more angry/resentful as time goes on and wonder will I ever fully forgive and trust him again?

thanks for reading it all- I know it’s long! Please he kind im feeling fragile!

Poor sod.

Pretty sure he is just vaping and certain no other drugs.
I suppose I do like things my way - on waiting list for autism assessment. So he knows im quite strict with rules etc so perhaps why he didn’t want to tell me.

he’s in general debt due to having to be at university for 5 years. He really struggled with no support for his dyslexia/ADHD during uni and had to retake modules so got into debt that way. Low paying job while in uni etc. then straight out of uni we had a baby so he helped support me as I was on low maternity pay.

so again, no major issues but general things that make life a bit harder for example being very disorganised and forgetful, mental load is fully on me. I suppose it doesn’t excuse his actions, however if he was medicated t might be better? I was willing to support him to get his diagnosis so that we can see if that changes some things.

im not an unreasonable person as some people think I am. He’s entitled to live the way he wants but he’s adamant he wants his family and he’s been very apologetic. I can acknowledge that undiagnosed ADHD may play a part in his impulsive decision to vape and lie.

He was doing it in the house while we were present in rooms I walk into. Even third hand chemicals on his clothes etc when we co sleep with children and he cuddles them.

he definitely vaped when I was nearby. I even naively once said he smelt like sweets and he played it off.

in my opinion any danger even small is putting us at risk.

We very much had a very good relationship before this - very happy.
im not the type to check his pockets/phone etc but now I fear I would be.

he has suggested therapy for us both- so I appreciate he is trying and I would be willing to try but was just curious at how other people would feel but it’s clearly not a one size fits all situation

I’m usually the first to call out dodgy behaviour that might seem benign at first, but this isn’t a huge problem.

He’s been under a huge amount of stress and used a vape to calm him down. Over eating can be just as bad for health, so saying it’s not like having an extra Kit Kat isn’t accurate.

im also saying this because you are both young. If he was 45 and doing this. I’d say it was weird.

i think this fits into the ‘we all make mistakes’ category. You both need to discuss why he kept it a secret. You are obviously very against vaping, which would affect whether he told you.

i think you need to think what is more important to you. Do you act like vaping is a deal breaker ?

I’d rather my DP felt ok to admit he’d been vaping to me, and tried to cut it out with my support, than doing it behind my back.

You must have no idea of how addictive smoking/vaping/nicotine is and how difficult the side effects of stopping are. It is not unusual for someone to relapse.

As vaping is less harmful than smoking for him, but very, very addictive, and also affects those nearby, if he needs to, he could try joining a programme for quitting through a GP and trying nicotine patches, or lozenges or gum.

What’s the price difference between a vape thing and a Kit Kat? Asking because the money spent is also a concern for OP

Just to clarify. As soon as he told me - he managed to quit? Just like that? Is that an accurate description of an addiction? He said he knew he would be able to quit as soon as he told me but he was scared he would loose me.

vaping was never the issue for me- and had he told me I would’ve been willing to support him through it! I even told him not to go cold turkey as he could be setting himself up for failure!

Of course I don’t want him to vape- it’s bad for his health. Not as bad as other things - true but I’d rather he did nothing bad for his health. BUT it’s mainly the lying! Why cant people understand that?

I don’t know how people can even make that comparison. Yes overeating Is also bad, smoking is bad, lots of things are bad but not relevant to the situation.

me and him worked it out- he’s spent 4k on this habit in the last 2.5 years. That could pay off all his debt right now so it’s likely what caused him to even be in debt as he’s now been working full time for the last year and finally started to pay it off!

anyone here spend 2k on kit kats per year? My monthly shops over the year total £ 1400 so

He is clearly happy to lie to you (by omission presumably, unless you asked him if he vaped in the last 2.5 years).

He is such a comfortable liar that he lied by omission daily for 2.5 years. And only told you due to being afraid for his own health.

I would be looking carefully at his other behaviour. What else is he happy to lie about? Calling in sick? Lying to his boss? His family? Saying he cannot do something with a lie as an excuse?

Liars are crap life partners. You say you are 24. I would really think about his shown values and attitude, not what he says but what he does.

Why was lying better than telling the truth?
A few reasons I can think of
To avoid confrontation? Maybe he hates confrontation.
Shame? He said he quit and he hasn’t.
Entitlement? He deserves to smoke and you don’t need to know even if it affects you financially.
People pleasing or to be the good guy who gave up?
Just a few ideas. Think about his other habits and behaviour. Really examine it rather than taking things at face value.

Personally I think this is not about his vaping. It’s about him being okay with being a liar. His attitude is that it is acceptable to lie to his partner. That does not bode well.

OP I totally agree about the eating comparison, I wasn’t being goady. I was trying to get across to whoever made the comparison that I’m sure , Kit Kats don’t cost anywhere near the price of disgusting vapes

Perhaps ask yourself why he didn’t feel safe to tell you this? Your reaction here is very strong about something that many people do.
As a vaper myself, there’s absolutely no way I spend £4k per year. It’s about £150 a year for me.
If you were my partner flying off the handle like this and bringing in totally irrelevant medical issues to further catastrophise what is perfectly normal and as PP’s say safer than hard drugs or alcohol, I wouldn’t tell you either.

Oh wow!!! 🙄

Dont worry I know you weren’t meaning that in a bad way towards me! I was agreeing like I can’t see how it’s the same 😂

I’ve given him no reason to not feel safe around me! I’ve always supported him.

he used a disposable vape £6 each time. Buying one everyday or every other day. Do the math.

im not flying off the handle, I’ve been so calm throughout the last month. But as really struggling with trust and was just wondering if anyone had been through similar and could trust again?

I didn’t try to catastrophise the situation. It was relevant background information as that was the reason he told me. It’s also relevant because nicotine is well known to CAUSE GORD so it does have something to do with the vaping…

It reduces sperm quality which increases risk of miscarriage, placenta issues and abnormalities. A lot of fertility issues are caused by men this way.

When I had fertility testing me and DP were told to stop vaping immediately for this reason.

Thank you!

also adds to my upset because he knew how much the miscarriages affected me too and he knew I was blaming myself.

but all the while he did that increasing my chances of it happening again…

£6 a day on vaping every day for two and a half years does sound like an addiction

I have ADHD, and if he does have this, I can see why he might have been scared to tell you. There is a lot of overwhelming shame involved with ADHD which is an aspect many people don't know about. I've tried to cover things up which others would see as minor because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, and of course it's always worse when things come out. It's not your fault of course, and he shouldn't have hidden this, but it isn't as simple as him lying because he doesn't care.

If he has undiagnosed ADHD then he is using the vape as a way to self medicate. The nicotine rush and the dopamine he will get from the vaping is because he is lacking in the dopamine , he’s probably upset and hid it due to shame which I echo what a previous poster has said , shame and low self worth completely consume a person with ADHD , especially if they are an adult and undiagnosed, he probably doesn’t even want to do it any more, but the overwhelming craving due to not only the physical addiction to nicotine but also the mental addiction to the dopamine will be overwhelming and really hard to overcome. Ultimately he may have kicked this, but if he does have ADHD and it continues to be undiagnosed then he will turn to something else to self medicate such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, impulsive spending in general, binge eating sugary foods/drinks, even being on his phone and doom scrolling etc all can help give an ADHD brain dopamine so undiagnosed people fall into those behaviours very easily. I’d talk more about the ADHD issues and look into an assessment.

I completely feel you, OP. I found out my husband had been secretly vaping for 2 years (about 13 years into our relationship). I felt like I didn’t know him as it is so at odds with who I thought he was and our lifestyle. He’d also been gaslighting me when I’d suspected he had been doing it in the house…telling me there was definitely no weird smoke haze / funny smell 🙄

My DH has just been diagnosed with ADHD, so I think he was seeking a dopamine hit.

I believe he lied because I’m super healthy: never smoked, don’t drink, exercise religiously. He was really ashamed but the lie hurt 😩 x

Also second hand chemicals can affect me and his children

Unless he's vaping in your presence, which he isn't, you and your children aren't being affected by 'second hand chemicals'.

Yes, he should have told you he was vaping. No, he isn't putting you or your children at any risk by doing so, and you seem very disproportionately anxious about this - which I suspect is why he didn't tell you.

You just need to get over this, I think. Nobody's perfect.

I agree he had an addiction but why was he able to just overcome it as soon as he told me? He says he hasn’t touched it since. I’d that a lie too?! This is the problem im facing is the consequence of the lie

@Barso @lottiestars76

wow thank you for your perspective. I didn’t know that and he probably didn’t either. But this is exactly why I’m looking for peoples perspectives to try an understand!

he’s been on the ADHD waiting list for nearly two years now- you know how it is. So he is trying to get support. I find that we do clash sometimes and perhaps he does feel shame because I am a total rule follower and strict with routines and have high standards. Im not perfect either and can cause issues in the relationship which is why I’m awaking autism assessment too.

it’s just very interesting to see that it might be genuinely not his fault that this has happened and can be explained by undiagnosed ADHD. Im glad you say that it isn’t definitely because he doesn’t care about lying because that’s exactly what im wracking my brain about.

he is genuinely a very good guy to everybody and has always been good to me/our kids prior to this. I never saw any red flags before this and this is what has confused me so much. So that’s why I didn’t want to ruin the relationship based off this lie if it wasn’t his fault.