Dating and aging body

[RosiePeach33]

Does anybody else feel like this? I'm nearly 37, just out of a 4 year relationship. Absolutely don't want to date for at least a year.

However, I do wonder when I look at myself whether I would ever want to with someone new. My boobs are down by my knees, I have a hair that sprouts on my chin now, I realised I have hairs creeping down my nose. I have to wee in the night, my hair is falling out due to some auto immune thing and I'm contemplating a wig. Like my body is declining. Who is seriously going to want that.

And I don't think it's exactly a self confidence issue? Weirdly my standards are higher than ever, ive been doing so much work on that. Ive removed toxic people from my life, been going to counselling, put in boundaries etc. I know what I want and wouldn't accept and have implemented that. My standards are higher and yet my body has all this stuff.

And I exercise and eat really healthy, etc.

Does that make sense?

I'm 35 I can grow a full beard if I left untamed, after 5 kids and breastfeeding my left boob started a voyage to Australia toland the right to Jamaica, I've just dyed my hair blonde to hide they greys because casting cream gloss blends them away so beautifully . I have pcos and since starting vitamins genuinely alot of them things improved, however they can all happen and be gross to someone that doesn't want them. I was where you was at 7 years ago when contemplating sleeping with my now husband and it disappeared fast so it is also normal to think like that at first. Most importantly it's normal for a men to not give much of a toss where you're boobs are, that you have some stupid hook shaped hair sprouting out your chin.

@Spinmerightroundbaby I think you are giving the op the reassurance that she will be ok, that this is fixable. I think the 30’s are a tough age as that’s when the toughest child rearing happens as well.

I think there's a thing here about just not quite being young anymore. Not actually being old, or looking old or even feeling old, just not quite young.

When you're really young, child to late 20s age, you've barely reached adulthood. You don't get awful hangovers, your skin is thick, you don't get wrinkles, you have tons of energy, sickness doesn't phase you, you're physically at your peak.

But that is the peak, the high point.

You're not actually old or in really bad health yet. You're just observing things don't work quite as perfectly as they did before, but that doesn't mean they're bad, malfunctioning or wrong.

When you're 70, you'll look back on the way your health and appearance were at 36 and wish so very much that you had that body back again then.

Enjoy what you have now, it's not as perfect as it was, no-one can remain at their peak all the time, but I'll bet its pretty great.

Yes! I am 56 and never been thrown out of bed by anyone. It is a confidence thing/maybe a not caring thing. I bet that the person you are laying next to in bed has similar thoughts about themselves.
Attraction is not just a naked body.

Wow exercise you say? Perhaps exercise your right to read all OP's posts before replying.

Hi OP I am 40 and absolutely horrified at my post children body. I’ve lost weight too so some saggy skin too. Cannot imagine anyone ever finding me attractive.

Ahh @RosiePeach33 Your last paragraph is so sad.

I think that experience will impact you for sure. I lived through some difficult circumstances over a long period of time and it deffo left me feeling older. I think trauma does that.

it sounds like you need to give your soul as much love as your body. ❤️

Sort the face hair out and lift some weights and get a wig if you like it’ll be fun!

Make some changes they can be small ones but be consistent with smaller goals. I speak from experience. Im rubbish with huge lifestyle changes and dont keep it up.

Dont punish your body it is AMAZING and strong and has got you through your life so far. 🕺🏼💃🏃🏻‍♂️‍➡️🎂🏊🏼😎

The thing is from my first boyfriend at 14 who was older I've been told my nose is horrible, my boobs are horrible, they will imagine someone else while having sex with me, if it were someone else they probably wouldn't have had ED. Cheated on me, etc. Fancy me more if I were thinner. I'm a size ten. The reason they didn't cum is because my fanny was loosy goosy after the kids.

I think what I'm trying to imagine too is if my body was functioning more when I was younger and they still said this stuff - will there's no hope now. If you see what I mean.

Although I don't exactly see a problem with it.

Well, I'm just guessing. But the neuro team phoned yesterday and the GP re rheumatology referral. They are ? Lupus looking at everything including my brain. Immune skin things, joints, now hair falling out, gastro, kidney function decreasing etc, huge bruises all the time.

Thank you so much for the advice. I'm doing everything wrong then. I mainly eat salads and take a pre/post biotic. I eat kefir yogurt etc. I have bad gas. Obviously doing the completely wrong things.

@RosiePeach33 if you are under medical observation right now, listen to your doctor until you have an actual diagnosis. Don’t change anything dramatically yet? Have they checked your vitamin B12 levels as this may explain you feeling exhausted? and there is a good solution to this, either 3 or 6 monthly injections from the gp ( sorry I can’t remember the frequency, I am peri menopausal and lucky if I remember what I opened the fridge for!).
I really think you have been with a string of abusive and horrible men that sensed your insecurities to say these things. And these comments have stayed with you.

Do you have any support from wider family like siblings or cousins ect. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. Take care, keep posting, we can listen and try and support you x

I have no family which weeks like this when my hair is dropping out is making me feel a bit low, actually. My mum never let me know who any of her family were, not even the names. But she also told me they did awful things to her which is how I try to give her compassion in my mind for the things she did to me. My dad kept me away from his and turned them against me because he did something bad when I was 15 when my mother dumped me on his doorstep. I think it was easier for him to let them think badly of me incase I ever said something. So, I've always just been alone. I have the best friend and like 3 other amazing friends.

The more I think after these comments on here, I realise it must actually be my thinking. I definitely need to do more work around self worth etc. I didn't realise how much my thinking had been affected. I've sorted the boundaries side out and spotting the red flags and all that stuff but I obviously have more stuff to do in this area.

They just did my B12, etc. I kind of hope they do diagnose something - in the sense it would piece it all together and I could manage it better then.

I have autoimmune problems but they’re currently in remission. I would give yourself a year off to recharge and rest and let your body heal.

I waited 6 years after a failed relationship and having children before dating and my body was very much different to how it was pre kids. Men don’t care! They just want someone who is comfortable in their skin, who is up for having fun and they can have a good conversation with. There has to be attraction of course but you sound like you take care of yourself.
You’re so young, but when you’re deep in it with an autoimmune flare up you feel like you’re 90! I’ve been there.
I listened to a great anti inflammatory Zoe podcast recently - I would highly recommend listening to. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/zoe-science-nutrition/id1611216298?i=1000703863786

That says far more about those men than it does about you or your body.

I've been out with people who I've lost attraction for. After making sure it wasn't going to come back, I ended the relationships kindly, and politely, without insulting my girlfriend or her physical features.

Your ex's didn't do that. Instead they stayed in the relationship while actively saying things intended to hurt you. That was the aim, to hurt you, to make you feel less than, and controllable. What they said didn't need to be true, and probably wasnt, it just needed to have the intended effect on you.

You are letting a 14 year old boy drive your brain. Mentally scald him until he vanishes from your mind. If his voice, words, face, actions crop up hit them, mentally, with water hot enough to melt them into oblivion. You have let weird people into your brain. They have no business being there and they don't get an opinion. No body is perfect, and everyone who lives long enough becomes older. So what. No one gets to comment or complain about your body, not even you. Especially not you. You are way too hard on yourself and you are fixating on what you perceive to be flaws. Find a therapist. A sex partner wants someone who is engaged in the act and is enjoying them and also themselves. Being there fully, not in your head, is what makes sex great and makes you a fun and memorable partner. Please lighten up on you. You don't deserve that mean girl treatment.

My mother's last relationship began when she was 85 and he was 92 - he was her next-door neighbour at the assisted living place. She said she'd never been happier, as she'd never before been in a relationship where her partner didn't want anything from her except just to be with her (and sex, of course, although I didn't really want to hear about that). My mother at 36 was young and beautiful; at 85 she was white-haired, wrinkly, saggy, flabby, hairy in the wrong places etc, but her boyfriend was always telling her how beautiful she was. Just saying...

I met the man of my dreams at 40 and he was 47. I'm now 45, he's 52 and we just got engaged. So he loves me with my sagging breasts and plucked chin hairs and everything.

You know men have hang-ups about their growing beer bellies, hair loss, losing muscle tone and all those things too? I assume you're not looking for Chris Hemsworth. So I wouldn't worry about it. Men in their 40s looking for perfect 20 year-old bodies aren't the sort of men you'd want to date anyway.

Want to know the thing I've liked best about getting older? I've stopped caring what anyone else thinks of how I look. It's liberating. If I tell myself I look fabulous, I feel fabulous. It's about changing that inner voice inside your head.

I think as you get older, your confidence can naturally decline. There’s no beating around the bush but we DO live in an increasingly image-conscious and superficial society that doesn’t really accept ageing very well - particularly ageing women!!! I also feel like what is expected of us grooming wise can be demanding and pretty exhausting.

THAT being said - I would try to focus more on connection with someone. There are plenty of men out there wanting an emotional connection and not simply interested in looks alone - you’re gonna want to stay away from those kinds of men anyway. By the way you write, you sound pleasant and that you don’t take yourself too seriously. I’d try to focus on some of your other qualities while maybe treating yourself to some self care / grooming bits. :) good luck

I want to add that I was the same age as you when I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (well I have 3 and symptoms of others that they don’t know what it is) Autoimmune problems are very complex and difficult to diagnose and often come in groups, so you might not have answers for a while. Given your family history, I believe there is a strong link between trauma and autoimmune problems. It’s worth exploring this and finding ways to reduce inflammation in your body and heal from your past.
Since I was diagnosed, I’ve gone on to have two children, and split with that partner due to him being abusive. I had 6 years of abstinence and recovery and now I’m 2 years into a relationship with someone I met online who has been pretty wonderful really. I wouldn’t have ever imagined this is how things would pan out.

Where do you find the non shallow men @LittleJustice?

Get tested for coeliac disease and also have your ferritin tested (iron stores). There is a wonderful Facebook group called The Iron Protocol- I recommend you check it out and you'll see some of the health conditions you mention could be down to low iron

I'm 47, I started dating again at 43 and was surprised anyone wanted to date me (self esteem issues) but dating gave me the confidence. Now I feel much better about myself, and I think it shows. I have long had the one hair on my chin (used to be black, now it's grey) but I felt better seeing on Orange Is The New Black a discussion about how every woman has that one random hair on their chin 😂 Hopefully dating will show give you some extra confidence. My DP is 18 years younger than me, and has his own body hang ups, I don't think it's an age thing.

It's absolutely true about that one random hair on your chin. I used to have one spot there when I had my period, now it's one hair.

Needs investigating 🔎

However, I do wonder when I look at myself whether I would ever want to with someone new. My boobs are down by my knees, I have a hair that sprouts on my chin now, I realised I have hairs creeping down my nose. I have to wee in the night, my hair is falling out due to some auto immune thing and I'm contemplating a wig. Like my body is declining. Who is seriously going to want that.

Hair on your face can easily be removed, some wigs look good and you can style your hair a certain way if it’s falling out. I’ve been weeing in the night since I was a child - I don’t see any of that especially the peeing would be a turn off for men? My boobs are probably considered quite saggy but I honestly don’t care, if there the thing that turns a man of me he wasn’t going to my life partner was he really?

It sounds like you have a series of poor relationships. I will be blunt, perhaps you should look into staying long term single tbh and focus on your kids and going into therapy. Maybe years later way down the line where your self-esteem is raised and you’ve dealt with the long term damage of your childhood and past relationship your picker wont be so broken. I fear right now you will be a magnet for the kind of men who will only value you for your body and they will ultimately use that against you.