Dating and aging body

[RosiePeach33]

Does anybody else feel like this? I'm nearly 37, just out of a 4 year relationship. Absolutely don't want to date for at least a year.

However, I do wonder when I look at myself whether I would ever want to with someone new. My boobs are down by my knees, I have a hair that sprouts on my chin now, I realised I have hairs creeping down my nose. I have to wee in the night, my hair is falling out due to some auto immune thing and I'm contemplating a wig. Like my body is declining. Who is seriously going to want that.

And I don't think it's exactly a self confidence issue? Weirdly my standards are higher than ever, ive been doing so much work on that. Ive removed toxic people from my life, been going to counselling, put in boundaries etc. I know what I want and wouldn't accept and have implemented that. My standards are higher and yet my body has all this stuff.

And I exercise and eat really healthy, etc.

Does that make sense?

Oh I absolutely will not be going near men. I want a year on my own to process this last relationship. Focus on my goals, reflect on what I can improve etc.

I have worked to get where I am now in that sense re relationships, I will one hundred percent want to be in the right mindset first.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I think as we age, what we find attractive changes alongside it.

DP and I have been together nearly 20 years, from our mid 20s to our 40s now. In the first few years we were together we used to piss about with an old Polaroid camera, sometimes in the bedroom. I was clearing out the attic the other day and found the box of photos. I thought she was stunning back then, and seeing those photos, that opinion hasn't changed. But if anything, I think she's more stunning now. Yes her body has changed in the last 20 years, some things have spread, there's a few stretch marks, some grey hairs. But those are just differences, they don't make her less attractive than she was before, just different.

And it's not just DP either, so it's not just that we've shared the last 20 years together and I love her etc.

We're watching the X Files at the moment, and I'm also working through Sex Education ( and by season 4, it really is work). Gillian Anderson is in both, and yes, she's attractive in the X Files, but by god she's beautiful in Sex Education. Would I have thought that in my 20s? Probably not, but that doesn't mean it's not true now.

Edit: Phrasing!

One day you will look back and regret not enjoying your body, the way is it now. Work on your body confidence and enjoy the body you have…

It makes me so sad when I read the posts on here by women who I consider young, running them selves down so horribly. There are always, "I'm 25, past it and men don't find old women like me attractive" posts. Why?

I know yours isn't entirely like that OP, but blimey it's negative. If someone talked about your friend the way you're talking about yourself you'd be bloody annoyed on their behalf.

I'm in my 60s and still happy, active and confident about myself but when I look back on being in my mid 30s Christ, I was in my prime. I am so glad I appreciated it then otherwise the aging process would have been a long, drawn out, miserable slog of 45 - 50 years into the grave.

Please younger women, realise your power and be bloody well proud of yourselves. Men are. No man ever looks in the mirror and things nobody will like me I've got a pot belly. They take their shirt off in the park and think they're Brad fucking Pitt.

I really wouldn’t worry about grey hair. I got them from 18 and have always dyed them or used a root retouch up spray.
For the aching knees just get calcium and tumeric supplements and try some online yoga classes on you tube. Stretching really helps and so does Pilates. Less impact than gym.
Chin hairs…. You maybe perimenopausal like me ( I am 47) , I just check my chin every day as they sprout long from know where.
Please be kind to yourself. I started dating after divorce at 42 and my partner of 6 years is 5 years younger than me.

I’m mid 40s and men from 20s to 50s have been so happy to be naked with me, most men know women don’t look like airbrushed love island types. So many men actually prefer soft, jiggly etc. And even those “perfect” women have stretchmarks, cellulite etc

I love your post but even yours is putting too much value in youth.. saying your 30s was your prime and how being young has power. Mine just increases as I age

You can fix all that.

tweezers for the chin hair , b12 and iron supplements for the other hair.

exercise for the body issues. You’re still young and you can turn it around if you persevere

Thanks @Disturbia81 My physical prime was definitely then. I was fit as I've ever been. Now I'm strong and fit, but I have to work harder at it and know I get tired more quickly and need longer to recuperate.

Mentally though, yes, never been more confident or felt more comfortable in my own skin. Age is its own power. What I look like and what others think of me has never been really important, but now I truly don't give a feck.

Great stuff 🖤

Honestly I think you're feeling like this because you're in your thirties - where its still close enough to remember what it felt like for everything to just 'work' and not hurt, and you're still adjusting to the fact that you're aging, when somehow you thought it happened to other people and not you!
A good bra will help, grey is more about genetics than age, and the odd chin hair is very normal!

Spending more time with [or changing your online algorithms] to be around more people your age or older than you can really help, as media does push a very particular standard on us that does impact us even if we try not to compare

I clicked on this thread thinking you were going to be around my age - early 60 s. Most women in their 30 s look amazing . Maybe not everyone is like the perfect ( airbrushed) images you see online - but all that is completely false.
I worked in healthcare. I can assure you that the bodies I saw there of all ages were very different to the images you see online.

You're so young you really shouldn't be worrying, I'm early 60s, a breast cancer survivor all be it with a mastectomy. I had a wonderful summer fling with a 45 year old and now dating a 60 year old. I think I'm fab and so do they, just send out sexy vibes and you'll be fine x

Thank you everyone. I've taken it all on board and I've realised something. My mother hated me since birth. My dad left, not in my life. Every man I've been with (not many) has either cheated, or told me my body is bad in some way. My boobs are like fried eggs. One told me if I were different he probably wouldn't have ED. That turned out to be untrue. The list is endless. I realise although I think my confidence is okay listening to you guys, I have absolutely no frame of reference as to what unconditional love feels like. I can't imagine what that would feel like. How someone could love all of me. I just can't get any sense of that. Other than how I feel to my children. I have no idea how to get that sense if I've never experienced it. Therapy, I guess.

@RosiePeach33 I’m sorry you’ve been with some real scum bags in life :( I think work on yourself first, learn to love yourself, even the bits you don’t like. I remember when I had a pt he was a kind guy but when it came to training and I was lifting weights he”d say “ come on, you are fucking strong!”. You know what, I’ve applied that to other things in my life now, those words. I was absolutely in my prime when I was 42, not so much now but I still get myself nice clothes, massages, facials and exercise. I’ve put on nearly half a stone since peri and my partner hasn’t mentioned it once, is still loving me unconditionally ( this is after a really mentslly abusive ex who would tell me no one would ever want me!) and things are good. I think we all have a wobble in confidence but take some positive steps forward as you sound like you’ve been through alot x

This really isn't helpful. Women vary enormously in their body types and characteristics at all ages, and it's important to remember that.

I had "saggy" (I hate that word) boobs from when they grew in at about 13! They were on the large side. It doesn't help that the arts and media (and I include ancient statues in this) only ever show one type of breast: spherical and completely self-supporting. It's a pervasive cultural myth that all women - or "young" women - have breasts like that. They don't.

And hormonal changes often start long before menopause.

@McSilkson well said. Some people get grey hairs and/or chin hairs in their twenties, and the shape of boobs depends a lot on various factors - size, pregnancy, and race. The 'teardrop' shape that bras tend to be designed for is based on the figures of [some] white western women, not all breasts are shaped like that, including when women are young!

Reading your last update, I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. It would make sense that those have shaped how you think about yourself! I think if you can get therapy that would help.

Before I read your latest update though, I did want to say - for the nighttime needing to pee - you could ask your GP for topical oestrogen (Estriol). It's NOT like full-blown HRT, it's a cream, you apply once or twice a week, and it can honestly reduce the need for nighttime wees. (disclaimer: so long as you're already doing the sensible things like not drinking loads in the last before bedtime, and not drinking too much tea or coffee during the day, as they are diuretics which will make you pee more often).

all the best

Therapy could be so wonderful for you. You are lovely, all of you, at any age.

You need a therapist, probably a behavioral one, because, in all seriousness, you are, quite unreasonably, too judgmental about yourself. Trust when I say, as someone who is three decades older than you, you are not old, you are coming into your prime. These are great years coming right at you. If you liked yourself more you would absolutely love this period of life.

You are using 14 year old thinking and hallmarks on a 37 year old woman. You understand that's crazy, right? Men who are interested in you will be interested in you and, truthfully, they're just happy you showed up. Very serious, thrilled you showed up. This is how they think. That's the old joke, what do women have to do to have sex with a man? Show up.

Pick the one you like and show up without all the "oh, I'm not 18 more" bull. Do not let your teenage brain drive your behavior because teenagers do stupid stuff, like tell themselves they're ugly. You're not. Your biggest complaint is nose hair, use small trimming scissors. Do not pluck your nose hair, it performs a really important function by filtering out particles so they don't go into your lungs. Nose hair is completely normal. It's like being upset you have two feet. Buy a wig or hairpiece you like, or don't, because, remember, his hair is thinning, too.

I'm the same age as you with all the same physical complaints, although bigger than a size 10. I think mid thirties with young kids is just a difficult time and you have to put so much more effort into your baseline attractiveness than you had to even five years ago. I pretty much always feel like 10lb of shit in a 5lb bag these days. I'm sure I can turn things around though, if I get the time and energy, which I will one day when the kids are a little older. I'm sure you can too, when you're ready and able. In the meantime, know that you're not the only 36 year old who feels like a sack of dicks at the moment.

I’m in my 60s and have had a relationship for the past 13 years with a man 21 years younger than me. It’s a frame of mind. Stop assuming people who are 60s/70s are not fit and healthy. I climb mountains regularly. My mother went dancing in a club every weekend in her 70s and 80s.

You have IBS, yet you eat veg and fruit?

Big no no.

The fresh fish, chicken (and other fresh meats) are good, but any high fodmap foods, ie. prebiotic foods (which feed bacteria, fine if your gut bacteria is balanced, not when it isn't) will only inflame matters.

Do you get bloating/belching?

If so, that's due to the bacterial overgrowth being fertilized by the veg/fruits, which produces gas, thus bloating/belching, and your gut never heals.

In your shoes I'd cease with the veg/fruits until you get your gut health back, stick with your meats, and add brown rice with the meals. Take no other foods or drinks. For fibre, and this is the crucial part, psyllium husk powder, start with one level teaspoon in 350ml of warm water per day. Build up to a max two teaspoons per day (1 teaspoon per glass).

You starve the bacteria, allow your gut to heal, and psyllium as the best fibre (gastroenterologists go to it first) will sweep away the waste.

Adding a probiotic supplement (a pill, not foods such as kefir, yogurt etc as they will only aggravate IBS) is a decent option.

You mention autoimmune issues, do you have joint pain? Your gut is circa 80% of your immune system. Fix that, and you go a long way to alleviating autoimmune problems. Exercise, which you do, is good in that it's a natural immunosuppressant as it lessens the body's immune response, and anyone with an autoimmune issue the immune system is working too hard.

Sounds like you’re vitamin deficient. I’m very cynical about perimenopause. Lots of doctors just bandy it about rather than properly investigate women’s health. Get yourself a blood test - whether NHS or privately and get tested on everything. Do some research, find out what you might be ‘borderline’ on and take extra strength supplements. I know this post isn’t what you came here for. You’re looking for reassurance, but my sense is that some of these symptoms can be addressed with the right intervention.