meeting EXH’s new girlfriend

[EllaPepper]

i’ve been divorced about 7 minutes (ok, 3 months). EXH’s new girlfriend has been on the scene for 8 weeks. all seems very intense. She is meeting my DS x 2 on friday (teenagers), and i am meeting her the following week at a family birthday dinner which she has already been invited to. looking for some light hearted advice / experience of what to say and what not to say to her. any hilarious stories welcome too! x

But the new girlfriend hasn't met the DS yet? Do you really think it's appropriate for her to attend the 18th birthday in these circumstances? Why risk it being difficult and uncomfortable - you only get one 18th Birthday, and would it really matter that much if new girlfriend wasn't there?

Oh Lord, sorry, I missed the bit about them not meeting her yet & her already invited to the 18th.
That's not on, what if they aren't keen on her?
Teen kids who don't need parenting don't have to have a relationship with a parent's new partner.
Your ex is way out of order on this one, it's too soon & not fair on your son.

I wouldn’t introduce a partner to my son after just 8 weeks let alone be part of a special occasion such as a significant birthday. It’s inappropriate for him to ask and inappropriate for her to accept.

To add context, I’m a man who values family and think this is unacceptable. Of course, he can go date, but this is a ‘family’ thing and 8 weeks service doesn’t earn that right.

It’s very unfair of the Dad to invite someone he’s only known a matter of weeks to his son’s 18th birthday party. Especially as it will be the first time the son is even meeting this new girlfriend!

The son will be meeting his Dad’s girlfriend for the first time at his 18th birthday party. That’s really not ok.

If the GF wasnt instrumental in the breakdown of your marriage, why not meet her with grace and kindness, and hope you’ll get on really well? It’s a lot nicer for your kids if you like the other parent’s partner, making friends is always better than making enemies, and you may even both end up agreeing your ex isn’t that great! And your kids have no reason to assume they shouldn’t like her - their lives will be easier if they do (and no, they don’t HAVE to like her, the expectation is that they DO have to be polite and considerate, just as she need not like them but is still expected to be polite and fair).

The focus of the entire event is your son.
Accordingly, you and the boys greet her with a polite handshake, ‘how d’you do, Susie, can I get you a drink?’ Then your ex husband looks after her, which is his job at this event, as he invited her. Anything else, any aggro at all, any unnatural behaviour takes focus from your son which isn’t right.

I’m all for people moving on but after 18 months of dating my partner (he’s 2.5 years divorced) I’ve only recently met his children - when they were ready. I always take a back seat on events and see what they, he, she think before making plans and I plan based on that. 8 weeks isn’t very long at all!

Ouch, too soon! Xxx

Second thought - did your son approve the guest list to start with? If so, I’d check he is ok with the new addition.

From my own experience of being the ExH's girlfriend (of several years in), just please dont try and reminisce about when you were married / family life or all the private jokes you shared. Trust me...she'll be biting back the sarcastic remarks and you will rapidly become her least favourite person (my DP and I just look at each other and give the eye rolls now when she starts)

Oh god no please don’t 🤣🤣

Insouciance is called for here.

It’s selfish of your ex to invite her to your son’s 18th birthday and expect you to just get on and everyone be happy. Personally though for your sons sake and to keep the peace and have a nice evening, I would just smile, make some small talk etc.

Wow you expect everyone to pretend there was no family life before you

interesting perspective…

I do wonder what sort of person goes along to a new boyfriends family meal that includes his ex wife and children who they have never met.

i certainly wouldn’t - and would red flag man who thought this would be okay.

Imagine going to an 18 year olds birthday family meal (who you have never met) and expecting his mum not to talk about his childhood and family life😂.

How do your kids feel about it? Sometimes they say yes to keep the peace - and parents happy but actually resent having new partners ‘forced’ on them.

I’d ask if they are alright with her coming and tell them it’s okay if they want to talk about it

🙄

I think your ex has the cart before the horse, your adult children need to have developed a relationship prior to the birthday, not at it.

Personally i would speak to ex and say, glad you are moving on but, she is not part of the extended family yet, it will make things uncomfortable for everyone and quite possibly your new partner so no thanks.

I would imagine at an 18th birthday party reminiscing over the son's life is pretty high on the agenda so I think the OP should ignore this "advice".

Just as ex wives are expected to graciously accept the new partner and move on, surely the new partner has to accept there was a whole life going on before she came on the scene.
Your response sounds as though you have a jealousy problem around your partner's ex and their shared past. If you didn't have, it wouldn't bother you.

How is it possibly up to the OP who’s invited? She doesn’t have a ‘no thanks’ veto.

No, but when its done to make sure Im aware in her eyes its still 'him and her' not the new dynamic it gets a bit grating after a while

Or have some respect for the ExH's new relationship and how his gf will feel? All new go's of an exH's are not evil witches 🙄

I agree, and sorry you had to go through that, JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn.

OP's ex and his girlfriend sound selfish and careless of the children's wellbeing. The boys may still be coming to terms with one of their parents having moved out of their home. A family party is not the place to introduce a parent's new girlfriend to his children.

I don't think you need to get to know her really, not at your kids ages. All I'd do is say hello and just keep a civil tongue. That doesn't mean you need to have a conversation with her though. You've got this OP good luck.