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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope when your child no longer lives with you

51 replies

PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 16:57

How do you cope if your child no longer lives with you? Any Mums in a similar position? I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that my child now only lives with his Dad. How to deal with the terrible grief and sadness? How to accept that this is now your reality? I’m keeping busy, I work, see friends and make the most of when I see my child (once a week for tea, a Saturday afternoon and maybe a hot chocolate after school)

I never thought I’d be in this position, trying to be grateful for when I see DS and enjoy my time with him. Hoping to chat to ex and DS next week about seeing more of him as I feel like the contact is limited.

How do I deal with this? How do I not spiral?

OP posts:
ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 16:57

What age is he?

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 16:59

ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 16:57

What age is he?

Nearly 14.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 17:02

My mum said last night - he obviously doesn’t miss you at all! Thanks Mum 🙄

Ex kept the family home and DS stayed there after separation. I don’t know how to deal with the sadness of knowing I no longer live with my son. It’s awful.

OP posts:
Humanswarm · 14/10/2025 17:07

That is very, very sad. How do you think the chat will go around seeing more of him? Does he want to do overnights?

CreteBound · 14/10/2025 17:09

I’m sorry OP this sounds hard. Did you get enough out of the family home to get your own place where he can come stay?

CantThinkOfAnotherUsernane · 14/10/2025 17:13

My son was almost 11 when he chose to live with his dad, I was gutted especially as we’d split due to abuse.
I saw him most weekends and once or twice through the week.
Fast forward to now he’s 24 has a beautiful wife and child and our relationship has never been better. He no longer has contact with his dad.
My advice is to go at his pace, if he feels like you’re forcing him to have more contact he’ll pull back

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 18:13

CantThinkOfAnotherUsernane · 14/10/2025 17:13

My son was almost 11 when he chose to live with his dad, I was gutted especially as we’d split due to abuse.
I saw him most weekends and once or twice through the week.
Fast forward to now he’s 24 has a beautiful wife and child and our relationship has never been better. He no longer has contact with his dad.
My advice is to go at his pace, if he feels like you’re forcing him to have more contact he’ll pull back

I’m very sorry that happened to you. Yes I was the one to leave, also due to abuse. I’m glad to hear that you have a great relationship with your son now. It’s only been a few months since I left so I know things can change. It’s very hard.

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/10/2025 18:22

Is your son able to stay overnight with you? Have you directly asked him?

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 18:30

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 14/10/2025 18:22

Is your son able to stay overnight with you? Have you directly asked him?

He refuses unfortunately. He has his own room and I’m in a new 3 bedroom house but he’s very against this house and being here. He’s accepted coming down on a Saturday as that’s when he sees his Grandparents and if I’m lucky he comes for tea 4pm - 8pm one night per week. In between I might try and go for a short walk around the block with him or have a cup of tea in the family home (ex there) and chat to DS for a short 20 minutes. We are both going away together soon for 4 nights which will be nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 18:33

PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 18:30

He refuses unfortunately. He has his own room and I’m in a new 3 bedroom house but he’s very against this house and being here. He’s accepted coming down on a Saturday as that’s when he sees his Grandparents and if I’m lucky he comes for tea 4pm - 8pm one night per week. In between I might try and go for a short walk around the block with him or have a cup of tea in the family home (ex there) and chat to DS for a short 20 minutes. We are both going away together soon for 4 nights which will be nice.

Show quote history

I’m hoping to ask for 2 nights per week where he comes to mine for tea (when we have our chat) there’s a chance that he will refuse that though, I do think he is better off with me having home cooked food, company and being looked after than being alone in the family home until ex gets home at 8pm. It’s not a good situation. I can accept not seeing him when I’m in work but it stings when I’m only a couple of miles away and he’s on his own. It’s hard.

OP posts:
Twoshoesnewshoes · 14/10/2025 18:37

OP does he do a hobby that you could take him to? Or is there something he’s interested in that you could share? Often just giving lifts is a great way to hang out

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 18:42

Twoshoesnewshoes · 14/10/2025 18:37

OP does he do a hobby that you could take him to? Or is there something he’s interested in that you could share? Often just giving lifts is a great way to hang out

He doesn’t do hobbies as such but he’s really into history, wars, geography etc so loves castles and historical sites or museums. It does take the pressure off him being in my new house. It’s a case of him “visiting” even though I’ve told him it’s his house too. It’s the family home that’s his home. He can’t be convinced that my house is his other home. Activities like that are a nice ice breaker, he likes train travel too 🚂

OP posts:
autumnevenings25 · 14/10/2025 18:46

You’ve posted a lot about this before - I thought you had a younger sibling who had come to live with you and it was just the older one who refused?

notacooldad · 14/10/2025 18:56

Does he have his own bedroom at you home. Could he decorate and personalise it to help him feel like it is his?

ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 19:01

@autumnevenings25
I agree. If you are the same poster op, don’t you have a 9 year old who lives with you ?

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 19:01

notacooldad · 14/10/2025 18:56

Does he have his own bedroom at you home. Could he decorate and personalise it to help him feel like it is his?

Yes he has a lovely bedroom down here. He’s very resistant to even going in there. I bought a couple of things for it like a TV and a few flags and pictures for the walls. Some of his stuff is accidentally in there as ex dropped off some of my stuff in boxes but it had books and some old stuff of DS’. It doesn’t sound like much but the other day he did spend 30 minutes in there chilling while I made his tea. It’s baby steps.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 19:04

autumnevenings25 · 14/10/2025 18:46

You’ve posted a lot about this before - I thought you had a younger sibling who had come to live with you and it was just the older one who refused?

I do. I know I’ve posted before. This is to try and get some advice on how to deal with the fact that he doesn’t live with me. I’m hoping there may be some others who have been through similar who might be able to advise and just general support on dealing with and accepting this difficult situation.

OP posts:
Shallysally · 14/10/2025 19:09

I feel for you OP. When I left my marriage, ex and I had shared care. DD was always happy with me, but I felt that she considered her dad’s house, the marital home, her home.

When she was 18, she opted to limit contact with me. It’s so difficult.

The only advice I can give you is to go at your DS’s pace. Don’t push him, you risk pushing him away altogether.

I hope things improve for you.

ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 19:10

Is there a younger child who moved out with you? If so is there a relationship that they could build on ?

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 19:39

ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 19:10

Is there a younger child who moved out with you? If so is there a relationship that they could build on ?

Yes younger child is mainly with me. Do you mean the sibling relationship?

OP posts:
middleagebumpyroad · 14/10/2025 19:43

Have you posted before @PurpleFrogg about this problem? I’m really sorry, it’s very sad and sounds like your ex H has turned your son against you.

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 19:46

Shallysally · 14/10/2025 19:09

I feel for you OP. When I left my marriage, ex and I had shared care. DD was always happy with me, but I felt that she considered her dad’s house, the marital home, her home.

When she was 18, she opted to limit contact with me. It’s so difficult.

The only advice I can give you is to go at your DS’s pace. Don’t push him, you risk pushing him away altogether.

I hope things improve for you.

So sorry, that sounds very difficult. Unfortunately I think it’ll always be the case of him “visiting” me. I don’t think he will ever see my house as his home. I’m trying to go at his pace, today I met him after school for a hot chocolate, it was brief and I’m trying to be grateful for that. Every week I try and do something nice for him - last week I sent him a few sweets through the post. This week I made him up a little bag with a new mug, hot chocolate sachets, marshmallows and sprinkles for when he’s on his own after school. He seemed to like that. Just small things, nothing over the top. Next week I’m going to post him a hand written letter just to say hi (no one writes letters anymore!)

OP posts:
middleagebumpyroad · 14/10/2025 19:47

Sorry, I’ve read up thread that you have posted before. Just be available for him, don’t put too much pressure on him but maybe try extending the time he spends so on a weekend maybe an activity outside of the house where you can have fun then back for tea? He may be tired / comfortable and stay the night? There may be an aspect of learned behavior where he’s learnt his dad’s pattern of abuse towards you and maybe doesn’t have sympathy ( it’s very wrong but possible). Ignore your mum, they make awful unhelpful comments ( mine is the same) x

ShenandoahRiver · 14/10/2025 19:49

Yes - the sibling relationship. Do they get on ok?

Original poster
PurpleFrogg · 14/10/2025 19:53

middleagebumpyroad · 14/10/2025 19:47

Sorry, I’ve read up thread that you have posted before. Just be available for him, don’t put too much pressure on him but maybe try extending the time he spends so on a weekend maybe an activity outside of the house where you can have fun then back for tea? He may be tired / comfortable and stay the night? There may be an aspect of learned behavior where he’s learnt his dad’s pattern of abuse towards you and maybe doesn’t have sympathy ( it’s very wrong but possible). Ignore your mum, they make awful unhelpful comments ( mine is the same) x

Yeah unfortunately she can be very unhelpful! I’m trying hard to be chilled about the situation. We did have a laugh earlier doing tongue twisters (with DS)😆 He seems to relax and let his guard down with me but can easily clam up again. Yes there is learned behaviour from his Dad unfortunately. He’s very much on his Dads team and even though his Dad does try and encourage DS to see me he’s also painted himself as the victim and me as the villain who destroyed the family. Things are calmer than they were though.

OP posts: