How to cope when your child no longer lives with you

[PurpleFrogg]

How do you cope if your child no longer lives with you? Any Mums in a similar position? I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that my child now only lives with his Dad. How to deal with the terrible grief and sadness? How to accept that this is now your reality? I’m keeping busy, I work, see friends and make the most of when I see my child (once a week for tea, a Saturday afternoon and maybe a hot chocolate after school)

I never thought I’d be in this position, trying to be grateful for when I see DS and enjoy my time with him. Hoping to chat to ex and DS next week about seeing more of him as I feel like the contact is limited.

How do I deal with this? How do I not spiral?

His sibling is autistic/non verbal so it is difficult for DS to have a conventional sibling relationship with his brother. He does love him though and plays with him/cuddles him etc.

So firstly it seems like a complex situation. As a parent all you can do is put your child’s happiness first, if they want to live with their other parent then so be it, support their decision and do as much as you can to be a good parent from a distance. This may mean, you need to realise that your feelings aren’t the most important here. You just have to make the most of the time you do get with your child, without guilt tripping them.

It sounds like you’re doing well if it’s just been a few weeks OP. He is bound to cling to the family home for stability at this moment especially at 13. He is making baby steps towards accepting the split and your house. Don’t push, it seems like his views will soften over time independently.

It won’t necessarily be like this forever so I wouldn’t suggest you expend too much energy on coming to terms with it. You may find things look very different in 2 months, 6 months, a year. For example - your ex may find a new partner at some point and that will completely change the equation in your son’s eyes.

That’s all you can do at this stage. Be consistent, show up when you are needed and check in with him when you can.

Just enjoy your time with him.

Thanks. I’m trying. This week I’ve only seen him for one hour after school. I won’t see him tomorrow or Friday. It’s really hard to deal with. Sorry, venting again. Chatting next week to ex and DS in the hopes of at least putting in one set evening per week where he comes down for tea. Ex just asked him if he would go down tomorrow for tea and he said no. So hard to accept not seeing him.
Sorry, I’m venting.

Ex suggested that I ring DS to ask him myself but he’s already said no to his Dad so I didn’t want to end up in conflict with DS and it’ll be hard to hide that I’m upset. Unfortunately I’m stuck in a loop now where I’m texting ex about the situation or begging him to ask DS if he’ll come down. Really hoping for just one guaranteed tea visit per week, one or two set days so we all know where we are. so I’m not left begging all the time. I know I’m posting a lot but I’m sat here crying again about the situation I’m in. (I wouldn’t show DS that I’m upset)

I really feel for you…, I think it’s best you try and speak to your son instead of going through your ex. The only reason I say this is can you really trust your ex to convey what you are saying? If your ex is asking your son, maybe your son feels uncomfortable or pressurised to say he doesn’t want to come. I know you are besides yourself. Best thing is when he’s next scheduled to see you , maybe say “ son I want to make your favorite tea, tell me when you are coming next so I can make it ready” ? Not sure if that sounds ok or manipulative …. Maybe put your cards on the table and tell him you are really struggling not seeing him? And make it clear when you left the marital home, you left his dad and not him x

Don’t apologise for venting, you need to let it out 💐

I agree with @middleagebumpyroad, I’d text your DS. Keep it light, and let him set the pace.
I know you want some consistency, this situation is so hard for you.
But at this stage I’d honestly go with what your son wants.

In a previous post you said that he had spent some time in his room at your house. That’s a big positive. Try and take the wins. Remember them when you are feeling upset.

I really feel for you. It’s awful. Try and not push, it’s important to not allow your son to feel that he has your need for contact as him
having the upper hand.

Thank you 💕

At his age, text him direct. If the answer is no, leave it, it's all still new for him. He will need to feel that this is going at his pace without the over arching feeling that he's somehow upsetting you. Teenagers like being on their own so don't panic too much about that. Hes working out his relationship with you right now. When you do see him, go for a walk, visit a museum, go for a train ride (the usual stick them in the car for a chat!) Teens really don't like face to face how are you type conversations. How you handle yourself will be so important, and important that you do have someone /somewhere to vent and take the pressure off yourself. You haven't 'failed' you're now safe, your 9 year old is now safe. Your 14 year old is choosing how to shape his new life. Try not to see it as rejection, more the teen brains way of processing things .

Quick update. I’m still struggling to accept how little I see DS now, it’s very hard but I’m trying to be chilled out and normal when I do see him. I did try and see him more than once in half term but he went back to his Dad to say I was pressuring him.

What hurts the most is that my MIL has now taken over all of my sons care when my ex is in work, she sees him every day for long stretches of time, it feels like she has taken my place as his Mother and co-parent. It is now my ex and his Mother who are pretty much raising him and it does hurt as I am available and nearby.

I am considering child inclusive mediation-does anyone have an experience with this? I fear my ex will refuse though. I do feel like the longer this situation goes on for (once a week for a few hours) It will become a habit and the norm. I think just chatting to an impartial person might help. Thanks ☺️

At 14 it's going to be about what your ds wants rather than what your ex wants. I haven't heard of child inclusive mediation, but normal mediation is tough so your ds would need to want to do it. As he's gone to his dad saying he feels pressured I'm not sure how that would work, how are you going to feel if it's arranged and he won't/doesn't attend?
I do understand the emotions about your MIL but she's not replacing you, your ds isn't a small child and he knows full well who his mum is, your ex is choosing to use his mum possibly because ds has said he doesn't want to be around you at the moment ? There were periods of time when I barely saw my ds between the ages of 14-17, he just preferred to be around his grandparents or friends . It's going to take time for this all to pan out but in many ways he's just being a typical teenager. Try not to view it as your ex trying to push you out, the reality being he could choose the opposite way round and have decided to barely see your ex, that's the way teenagers are to a certain extent.

I am very sorry to hear this. Does your son know about the abuse? Is his dad also ND if the younger sibling is? Is your eldest? Obviously kids that age have a choice about where to live but can you slightly explain the situation to him?

It’s a difficult situation. DS repeats a lot what he’s heard and when angry name calls, says shut up you little shit etc which are things that he’s heard his Dad say. I suspect that his Dad is ND and DS has been diagnosed with ADHD (he’s on the pathway for an autism assessment too) When I talk to him about trying to see more of him or that I miss him he says I “should have thought about that” (when I left)
I have never mentioned the abuse to DS, only that his Dad and I were better off living apart as we no longer made each other happy.

His Dad has told DS exactly the reasons and said that DS thinks it is ridiculous that I would be upset/leave due to what he was told.

Ah.. with the ADHD and autism pathway, ds is going to be extremely black and white with emotions, he may even appear to avoid you on purpose. My ds didn't want to process the level of abuse his dad was capable of. Their relationship fractured when ex just wouldn't support ds financially as DS could feel his anger at him was then justified as it was something concrete ex had 'done' specifically to him. At the moment, your ds would find it difficult to process that abuse as his dad presumably didn't turn on him in the same way.

I think what stings the most is that MIL has been given so much power, it’s like she and ex are co-parenting together. Before our separation she was in and out of the children’s lives, disappearing for 6 months at a time with no contact, she is unstable and had frequently been under the crisis team, ex has said that I’m lucky as she could easily make my life hell. She’s a pathological liar (we’ve caught her out on multiple lies) He’s also said how she detests me. I am concerned about her influence on DS(she is not a nice person)

I can see why you are distraught, I wouldn't be able to eat or sleep if my child was under the care of an abusive man.

MIL is highly intelligent and highly manipulative. It is the two of them (ex and mil)against me unfortunately.

Yes he is quite black and white with his emotions and his view towards my house “it’s not my house” etc. He absolutely hates it when he is in his dad’s bad books and desperately tries to win over his affections. He doesn’t do that with me and doesn’t seem bothered although ex says it’s because he knows I’m not going anywhere/have unconditional love for him.

I know this isn't the case but does DS feel like you've walked out and left him (even though it was his dad, not him)? Just trying to look at it from his point of view as children don't always understand the full situation when they are younger. He could be feeling angry and resentful etc. Even though it is extremely hard not seeing him and being in this situation with him now, I think make it very clear your door is always open and you're always there for him. Hopefully as he gets older he will understand better and realise and make his way back to you. Sending love as I can't imagine how hard this is.

I think you are right and he is angry and resentful that I left, I really never would have left if I had known what would have happened. He’s heard his Dad say that I destroyed the family and how it’s all my fault and I think he’s holding onto a lot of anger towards me.
I think him refusing to see me (regularly) is also a way of him feeling like he has some sort of control over the situation. He’s also a typical teenager and hates being told what to do!

It is a sad situation where his brother is concerned though as he’s not getting to see DS either, only when ex has him overnight(2-3 nights per week)

I rarely get to see them together now and his sibling calls for him 😢

All I can do is hope that things work out in time, not sure if ex and I are having a trial separation or not. Sometimes I think I just need to go back and try and work things out.

Did you leave this man without taking both children with you?.

Your DS needs to hear age appropriate truth re the abuse you and in turn your children suffered at his hands. Not telling him has just played into his and his mother's hands even more.

I doubt very much your ex husband is neurodiverse (and even if he was it is still no excuse or justification for the abuse); he is your common or garden abuser remains abusive and volatile and his mother is the self same. Your son is being played by two master manipulators and you are certainly being alienated as a parent by them.

and a hard NO to going back and trying to work things out. You will only destroy yourself more doing this. I would contact Women's Aid and the Rights of Women. Educate yourself re parental alienation.

When I told my husband our marriage was over (I moved out a few months later) we agreed to share custody of our children. It was agreed that we would share custody of our teen (50/50) but over time DS has become more and more reluctant to visit and is now 100% with his Dad and MIL. I cannot state enough quite how dangerous MIL is and how controlling/narcissistic she is. Ex always spoke about how much she neglected him growing up, says how dangerous she is yet he has an extreme dependence on her and has now unfortunately given her complete control over DS. So the situation is more complicated than just DS living with his Dad. She has been under the mental health crisis team multiple times and is bipolar. I am very concerned, she is capable of poisoning DS’s mind against me but ex says DS knows his own mind.

MIL does care for DS, makes him food, ex arranges for her to take him to medical appointments etc, her house is comfortable and DS does have a strong bond with her but the situation is extremely concerning.

Do not even contemplate going back, it won't fix anything . Really the only way to resolve the current contact arrangements would be for you to apply for a child arrangement order. But, the court process is brutal and given your ds age they will give credence to his wishes and feelings. I feel for you, my ex mil was extremely toxic, and it's only as my ds passed 18 that he realised just how bad it was, he now has no contact with her or his dad. That doesn't help you right now but if you are concerned about her behaviour then I'd contact children's services in your area to discuss what is happening.